This one is pretty straight forward, and I'm including only months on the Gregorian calendar. Sorry fans of Mercedonius. I'm writing this as an American, with American holidays, in the Northern Hemisphere, in a location that has "seasons." So if you live in Australia, or a place like San Diego where it's basically within 10 degrees of the same temperature all year, this ranking might not be that relevant to you. See also from the archives: Ed Ranks the Seasons.
12. August - Too fucking hot! Blisteringly hot. And what holidays are there in August? None! There aren't even fake holidays that nobody gets off but that we pretend are real, like Arbor Day and shit. Hypothetically, kids get all of this month off because they're at school. Well, enjoy your time off by getting sunburns and dehydration, you little shits.
11. July - Basically the same as August, but as an American, at least we get the July 4. Holiday. But America's birthday is one of the few good things about this month.
10. February - Too cold. Too. Damn. Cold. I give too cold the benefit of the doubt over too hot, because hypothetically you can keep putting on more clothes when it's too cold. You can only take off so much clothes when your hot. Valentine's Day isn't anything special, and this month is gypped for being too short anyway. At least there is snow. Snow is nice.
9. June - Hot, but not as hot as July. Not really any holidays to speak of either. Flag Day? Father's Day? Eh, those are only sort of real.
8. January - New Years Day and MLK? Two holidays! Yeah! That's good. Plus the chance for snow. And this is the only month of the year most of us are in any state of physical fitness before we abandon all our resolutions.
7. March - This should be ranked here for St. Patrick's Day alone. Sure, some days are pretty ass-cold, but by the end of it, things are usually quite mild. The trees begin blossoming, but not so bad that your nose is completely full of irritating pollen (aka tree cum) yet.
6. May - Good weather, warm without being too hot. You can go camping. You can have BBQs (especially come Memorial Day). This is a good damn month.
5. December - Christmas is obviously a big plus, so December is a good month. And while it might be pretty cold, it's not February cold yet.
4. April - Maybe some days are cold, but the average temperature is pretty good on balance, at least where I live. It definitely feels like spring and the trees should all be full of blossoms. Some of the best temperatures of the year, but the pollen means it had to fall a tiny bit in the rankings. In years where there isn't a GLOBAL PANDEMIC THAT SHUTS DOWN THE WORLD, you can even go out and enjoy this month.
3. November - A solid, respectable month that deserves the praise it gets. The weather is perhaps a little cool, but only mildly so. Maybe there are even some trees still changing colors, if the leaves didn't all fall off in October. Thanksgiving obviously stands out about this month too, and adds bonus points. Columbus Day is also a federal holiday, but if you're a real person with a real job, that is basically meaningless.
2. September - To school children, September represents the dread of returning to school. To others, it represents the sad end of summer in general. As you can see from my rankings, I'm not particularly a fan of hot-ass summer anyway. Which means September is the month where, finally after being bombarded by stick-ass August and July, you get a reprieve and a few nice days. It's a nice enough month so that you should skip work and go out to enjoy the weather while everyone else is at work and/or school.
1. October
Best month! This is April's near perfect mild temperatures, but without the pollen. What do you get instead of pollen? How about amazing trees that change colors and look beautiful as hell? PRETTY NICE! And there is also Halloween to consider. Is it the best Holiday? Well, I haven't ranked all the holidays, just federal ones, of which Halloween is not. However, it should be obvious that yes, the best holiday is Halloween.
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| Harvest in the festering heat faster, filthy serfs! |
11. July - Basically the same as August, but as an American, at least we get the July 4. Holiday. But America's birthday is one of the few good things about this month.
10. February - Too cold. Too. Damn. Cold. I give too cold the benefit of the doubt over too hot, because hypothetically you can keep putting on more clothes when it's too cold. You can only take off so much clothes when your hot. Valentine's Day isn't anything special, and this month is gypped for being too short anyway. At least there is snow. Snow is nice.
9. June - Hot, but not as hot as July. Not really any holidays to speak of either. Flag Day? Father's Day? Eh, those are only sort of real.
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| Pretty, right? |
7. March - This should be ranked here for St. Patrick's Day alone. Sure, some days are pretty ass-cold, but by the end of it, things are usually quite mild. The trees begin blossoming, but not so bad that your nose is completely full of irritating pollen (aka tree cum) yet.
6. May - Good weather, warm without being too hot. You can go camping. You can have BBQs (especially come Memorial Day). This is a good damn month.
5. December - Christmas is obviously a big plus, so December is a good month. And while it might be pretty cold, it's not February cold yet.
4. April - Maybe some days are cold, but the average temperature is pretty good on balance, at least where I live. It definitely feels like spring and the trees should all be full of blossoms. Some of the best temperatures of the year, but the pollen means it had to fall a tiny bit in the rankings. In years where there isn't a GLOBAL PANDEMIC THAT SHUTS DOWN THE WORLD, you can even go out and enjoy this month.
3. November - A solid, respectable month that deserves the praise it gets. The weather is perhaps a little cool, but only mildly so. Maybe there are even some trees still changing colors, if the leaves didn't all fall off in October. Thanksgiving obviously stands out about this month too, and adds bonus points. Columbus Day is also a federal holiday, but if you're a real person with a real job, that is basically meaningless.
2. September - To school children, September represents the dread of returning to school. To others, it represents the sad end of summer in general. As you can see from my rankings, I'm not particularly a fan of hot-ass summer anyway. Which means September is the month where, finally after being bombarded by stick-ass August and July, you get a reprieve and a few nice days. It's a nice enough month so that you should skip work and go out to enjoy the weather while everyone else is at work and/or school.
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| Now this is a month! |
Best month! This is April's near perfect mild temperatures, but without the pollen. What do you get instead of pollen? How about amazing trees that change colors and look beautiful as hell? PRETTY NICE! And there is also Halloween to consider. Is it the best Holiday? Well, I haven't ranked all the holidays, just federal ones, of which Halloween is not. However, it should be obvious that yes, the best holiday is Halloween.
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