Tuesday, March 31, 2020

Ed Ranks Things to Hoard Other than Toilet Paper, Masks, and Hand Sanitizer

Look at these non-hoarding pussies!
The last two of these Ed Ranks Everything went to diverse subjects, not related to the ongoing end of the world COVID-19 pandemic. Well, it's time to face the cold, hard reality of the end of life as we know it itself a temporary period of social distancing, and talk about issues important to the final days before the Hunger Games begin your grocery shopping.

People have gone crazy buying dumb shit like toilet paper, face masks, and hand sanitizer. But why? It seems to me that there are much better things to hoard until you need to begin killing your neighbors for the limited remaining resources for next few peaceful months of self-quarantine. These are the to 25 things to hoard, ranked:

25. Buckets - Buckets might come in handy. You never know. You'll need water maybe. Right? It's not like when everyone who runs the water supply company dies that your tap will still work. And they are all going to die, by the way. Once this thing mutates.

24.  Solar Panels - The power will go out soon too. Better have some solar panels on hand to charge your phone. The internet won't work anymore, so your dumb phone won't connect to anything. But at least you can play some solitaire app or something, right?

23. Can Opener - Hoarded a bunch of cans of food, but not a can opener? Ha! Dumbass!

Also useful as caltrops.
22.  Legos - You might get pretty bored when the majority of mankind is dead and no modern form of entertainment don't work anymore. Legos are pretty fun, and you can be creative.

21. Garlic - First of all, you need to flavor your food. And I put garlic in basically every recipe I make. But this is more important in case the COVID-19 (which probably came from BATS) is just the precursor virus that the vampire armies have sent out before their attack.

20. A Kettle - I dunno. To boil river water or something. Or make ramen. Maybe ramen is the more important thing here.

19. Cardboard Box - You're going to need this for camouflage, just like Solid Snake.

18. Two-Way Radios - Just in case some random lady shows up at the end of days, just like with the terrible, terrible ending of I Am Legend. It was really awful, wasn't it?

17. Batteries - Just like solar panels, you'll need these to power some things. These are only a temporary solution though. Don't worry about that fact though. You probably won't live that much longer in the hellish post-apocalyptic society anyway.

16. Kleenex - Forget "bathroom tissue." You need some regular tissues. What, are you going to keep sneezing into your sleeve?

Seriously though, this is the end times.
15. Weapons - I'm not trying to be that crazy survivalist guy with a bunker, but you might need some weapons to fight others. At the very least, you might need a gun with a single bullet. And you know who you need to use the bullet on. Go on. Admit it. I know it's hard to accept now, but you're going to have to do what you have to do. Better keep it in a locked box in the closet. Just in case.

14. Candles - Why not? You'll want to see in the dark. When everyone is dead and you're raiding the empty shopping malls, Yankee Candle Company might just be your saving grace during the night hours. Which, I remind you, might also include vampires (see #21).

Ha! Paper porno. Old school.
13. Whatever Gets You Off - You know what I mean. The apocalypse will be boring without some light masturbation materials once the internet is down. I'm not going to tell you what this might be. Decide what it is for yourself, and hoard it. Is it old time porno magazines? Fine. Pictures of Meghan Markle that you cut out of People Magazine? Whatever. Just be you. This is a no judgment zone. Nobody should judge you. Because they'll all be dead.

12. Axes - Totally different than "weapons." Weapons are to fight people and animals. This is more like a "tool" to cut down trees and stuff like that. Or use as a weapon. Whatever.

11. Gauze - For when you accidentally hurt yourself with the axe. Plus if you run out of toilet paper because you weren't hording that, gauze is basically EXTRA SOFT toilet paper, right?

10. Water Purifiers - A Brita filter or two will be helpful so you don't get worms.

9. First Aid Kit - Gauze might be in this (you should still have extra gauze though), but this is that important kit that has all sorts of topical creams and stuff in it.

8. Medicine - Especially pain killers, for when you hurt yourself with that axe again. As before, some of this might already be included in your First Aid Kit, but beyond that, medicine in general would be good to have.

This will come in handy.
7. Knives / Multi-tools - Again, not really as a weapon per-se. These are just important to have.

6. Toothbrush/Paste - Why even bother living if you're going to have jacked ass, nasty teeth with cavities?

5. Seeds - If everyone else dies but you make it through everything, you're probably going to want to start some crops of your own. It's not that hard, bitch. Seeds. Water. Sun. Dipshit hunter-gatherers figured this shit out, which is how civilization began. Surely you can learn to grow a fucking tomato. If you can't, you don't deserve to survive this whole thing anyway and you're probably one of the absolute fucking idiots who has a closet full of toilet paper right now. 

4. Matches / BIC lighters - He who controls fire will control the new tribes that form. 

3. Non-Perishable Food Items - This one is pretty obvious. Freeze Dried Foods, MREs, beans, crackers, canned food, ramen, granola bars. You get the drill.

2. Liquor - Necessary.

Something like this, I guess.
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Friday, March 27, 2020

Ed Ranks Pirate Ship Names

See? They just want to be friends with you!
Ah, pirates! They’re awesome, aren’t they? I mean not really. They’re mostly thieves and murders. I’m not going to rank pirates, because that would be too much work. Instead, I’ll rank some pirate ship names by how cool they are. YEAH! If you want to be a cool pirate, you need a cool nickname and, more importantly, a cool ship name. Nobody is going to be threatened if your ship is called The Contented Dove, or A Fancy Dalliance on the Esplanade.

Four notes for you here:
  • There are some super cool pirates and famous pirates out there whose names will not appear on this ranking. Why? Because I couldn’t find a name for any of their ships. You should not doubt the coolness of Redbeard (Ottoman corsair Hayreddin Barbarossa), or Ching Shih (leader of the Red Flag Fleet), but I can’t find any names for their ships.
  • There are lots of relatively boring ship names. As you’d think, many ships were given women’s names. Paulsgrave Williams commanded the Marianne. Charles Vane commanded the Katherine. Those are nice and everything, but a little too “blah” to make these rankings.
  • There were many ships with the same name, or ships that were traded between multiple pirates. When I know that information, I try to include it below. But a lot of these ships got around and were taken/repurposed by others, so I might miss a few situations where another captain also had a ship with the same name, or sometimes the very same ship
  • The Black Pearl is not a real ship, idiots. 

25. Amity – The ship of Thomas Tew. Nothing too amazing about the name, but it makes the list.
"Lady Pirate" being my particular fetish.

24. Kingston – This is not a particularly cool name, but I just want to put in on the list so I can give props to “Calico” Jack Rackham. He also commanded a much cooler name ship called Revenge, which I’ll note below, but others had ships with that name too. Calico Jack is awesome, and is the guy who sailed with the two equally famous lady pirates, Anne Bonny and Mary Read. He also had a ship called the William, but that’s a boring name that doesn’t deserve to make this list. So it won’t.

23. Royal James – An okay name for a pirate ship, commanded by Edward England.

22. Pride – The ship of Jean Lafitte. It barely deserves to be on the list with such a boring name, but I figure I gotta give Lafitte props, right?

21. Freedom – A ship of Benjamin Hornigold, who was, presumably, so-named because he was horny for gold. I guess. Freedom is a perfectly fine name, and I suppose it represents the concept of the independence of pirates (i.e. the concept of Libertatia). But after 200+ years of American history with flag-waving dipshit jingoists renaming everything “Freedom” (freedom fries, anyone?), this name loses its luster to me. 

20. La Concorde – Benjamin Hornigold briefly commanded the captured ship Concord, which became La Concorde, before turning it over to Edward Teach. This exact same ship is on the list twice, because La Concorde got renamed. Any guess as to what it was renamed? To find out, you need to scroll down to #1 below.

19. Fancy – Henry Every, Edward England and Edward Low commanded ships called Fancy. Or maybe it was the same one. I don’t know. The point is, this is a pretty popular ship among people named “Edward,” which you think would mean I’d like it too. Eh. I mean, it makes the cut for this list. Henry Every’s Fancy was probably the most notable version.

18. Rose Pink – Commanded by Edward Low. Edward Low had a TON of ships, and a lot of them make this ranking. I'm a fan of the non-threatening nature of this name, despite my earlier declaration that non-threatening names for pirate ships were lame.

17. White Seahorse – Irish woman pirate Grace O'Malley makes the list, with this ship. I’m not a huge fan of seahorses, but yeah, this name isn’t terrible. And I’d be remiss if Grace O’Malley didn’t get a mention.

16. Golden Hind – Sir Francis Drake’s ship. Another famous one, with a fine name. 

15. Soldado – Commanded by Dirk Chivers, and Spanish for “Soldier.” A perfectly good name for a pirate ship.

14. Squirrel – I’m not sure why Squirrel is so funny to me. I’m just a big fan of some big’ ol pirate naming his ship that. The pirate in this case? Edward Low.

13. Merry Christmas – Yet another ship commanded by Edward Low, who got around with his piracy. How weird would it be to be attacked by Merry Christmas? I mean other than in TV ads beginning long before Thanksgiving.

Yo ho ho, motherfuckers.
12. Whydah – The name Whydah does not exactly roll off the tongue (it’s named after a town in Benin, and/or an African bird, also called the “Widow Bird,” native to the same area), but I can’t not (double negative alert!) include the Whydah. That’s because it was the flagship of “Black Sam” Samuel Bellamy. If anyone is THE pirate other than Blackbeard, it’s got to be Black Sam. Bellamy was the wealthiest pirate ever, and was also called the “Prince of Pirates,” likened to a Robin Hood of the seas. The wreck of the Whydah was also discovered in recent decades, so this ship is a pretty famous one. It’s name though… ehh… I mean… at least it’s unique!

11. New York’s Revenge – Captained by Richard Worley. It makes the ranking for having “revenge” in its name, which automatically makes it a cool name. But New York? Eh.

10. New York Revenge’s Revenge – Another ship captained by Richard Worley. Good work for the metajoke, Worley. I didn’t even know they had metahumor back then. 

9. Golden Fleece – Commanded by Joseph Bannister. A perfectly good name for a pirate ship, if you’re a pirate that also enjoys Greek Myth. Or gold. Why not both?

8. Adventure – A ship belonging to the famous Blackbeard (Edward Teach). A little derivative of the more famous Adventure Galley (below), but I’ll allow it. Blackbeard’s other notable ship was far more famous.

7. Ranger – This ship, or various ships with this name, got around. Benjamin Hornigold, Edward Low, Charles Vane, and Calico Jack all sailed up on mofos via the Ranger.  Sure, it’s a decent enough name.

Have they released a blend called "Satisfaction" yet?
6. Satisfaction – No, this is not the ship that Keith Richards sailed in his cameo. This is actually the ship of Henry Morgan. As in Captain Morgan. Yes, that Captain Morgan. He was more of a privateer than a pirate, but I’m not really making a distinction between state-sponsored and freelance maritime thievery for these rankings.

5. Bachelor’s Delight – A quality name for a ship commanded by William Dampier, especially when compared to another ship commanded by Dampier, called Roebuck (that doesn’t make the list, although I assume the ship eventually teamed up with another one called Sears).

4. Adventure Galley – Famous ship of William Kidd. Yeah, good pirate ship name. I can’t say too much more about it.

3. Revenge – A lot to unpack with this one, as ships named Revenge (or with Revenge in their name somewhere) were pretty common. Ships with this simple name were commanded notably by Stede Bonnet, and, more importantly, “Calico” Jack Rackham. I do like the simplicity of the simple Revenge though, so this pulls ahead of some of other (but not all) of the Revenges with similar names. 

2. Royal Fortune – A ship of Bartholomew “Black Bart” Roberts. I mean, it’s a great name for a pirate ship, isn’t it?

Yeah, I wish the picture was cooler too.
1. Queen Anne’s Revenge – Blackbeard (AKA Edward Teach, but why call him that when you can call him fucking BLACKBEARD?) had the whole “pirate” thing figured out. Sometimes some random historic figure becomes the most famous by accident or good timing, when people similar to, and often more interesting than, them are forgotten. This is NOT the case with Blackbeard. This dude deserves every bit of fame he has. This is a pirate who knew how to market himself. Cool pirate name, and even cooler pirate ship name. You take a ship with the nothing-burger name of La Concorde and now call it Queen Anne’s Revenge? Holy shit! Upgrade. Nobody wants Queen Anne’s Revenge following them around. Who cares if New York wants to get revenge on you? I'm not that threatened. But Queen Anne? Nobody wants the might of a damn royal Queen chasing you around. Even if she is only the 26th most competent regent of England.

Tuesday, March 24, 2020

Ed Ranks the Bulgarian Alphabet

Everybody, sing along! A-B-V-G, D-E-Zh... ♫
One time, long ago in the days of yore when this blog was new (2016), I ranked the letters of the alphabet. Well, there are more alphabets than the English one, aren't there? So how about we rock some motherfuckin' Cyrillic! Various Slavic, Turkic and Iranic-speaking countries in Eastern Europe, the Caucasus, Central Asia, and Northern Asia use Cyrillic, and none of them quite have the "same" version. But since the Cyrillic alphabet was commissioned by Bulgarian Tsar Simeon I the Great in the 9th-Century, I'm going to go ahead and say Bulgarian is the version to use. That, plus I took an awesome trip to Bulgaria a year ago.

There are 30 of these things, here we go!

30. О о
  • What I call it: O
  • Official Transliteration: O o
  • English Equivalent: O, as in "order." Pretty boring here, and exactly what you'd expect.

29. А а
  • What I call it: A
  • Official Transliteration: A a
  • English Equivalent: A, as in "angle." Again, the same as English, so not very interesting.

28. М м
  • What I call it: M
  • Official Transliteration: M m
  • English Equivalent: M, as in "man." Basically the same, but the lowercase m is sort of like a baby capital M. That's something, right?

27. Т т
  • What I call it: T
  • Official Transliteration: T t
  • English Equivalent: T, as in "top." Same as the M above. The lowercase t is different than the English version.

26. Е е
  • What I call it: E
  • Official Transliteration: E e
  • English Equivalent: E, as in "best." Exactly the same as English, but it's still a great letter, isn't it?

If you care about cursive too, here ya go!
25. С с
  • What I call it: C
  • Official Transliteration: S s
  • English Equivalent: S, as in "sound." This one was a curveball, wasn't it? It's not C at all! It's S!

24. Р р
  • What I call it: P
  • Official Transliteration: R r
  • English Equivalent: R, as in "restaurant." Another twist! P is R! 

23. В в
  • What I call it: B
  • Official Transliteration: V v
  • English Equivalent: V, as in "vet." Now I just feel like I'm being toyed with.

22. Н н
  • What I call it: H
  • Official Transliteration: N n
  • English Equivalent: N, as in "normal." Another pretty ho-hum one, which has a slightly different lowercase letter, but also throws a loop as to which letter it represents. 
 21. У у
  • What I call it: Slightly curly Y
  • Official Transliteration: U u
  • English Equivalent: Oo, as in "tool" or "boot." A double twist! Not only is Y not Y, but it's official transliteration into U isn't right either, because in our language we use this more like the good ol' double-O. It's also a little curlier than the English Y, so that's worth something. 

20. К к
  • What I call it: Fancy K, so so fancy!
  • Official Transliteration: K k
  • English Equivalent: K, as in "make." I know this one is barely different, but those fancy curls on the top-right corner really make this letter a distinguished, erudite K, deserving of praise.

19. Х х
  • What I call it: Good ol' reliable X
  • Official Transliteration: H h
  • English Equivalent: Ch, as in "loch." This is a weird one. The H transliteration isn't even accurate, because it's more of a Ch than H. Ch is a good letter to have, and deserves to be its own letter. But this isn't even the ONLY Ch in the Bulgarian language. They have another Ch, for the more commonly used version of it that we all know and love from classics like "cheese" and "cherry." But let's not get ahead of ourselves. This is the weird one for words like "loch," which isn't even really an English equivalent, is it? Unless Scots Gaelic suddenly became "English."

18. Щ щ
  • What I call it: Roman Numeral Three, Leaking
  • Official Transliteration: Sht sht
  • English Equivalent: Sht, as in "Shtick." I'll agree that Sh may deserve to be its own letter, but I'm not sure there are enough Sht words to justify it being its own thing. I dunno. Maybe in Bulgarian. This letter is also very close to their existing letter for Sh, which I'll talk about in a bit. It feels like it's just a barely-different copycat of the other one. 

17. Ь ь
  • What I call it: Lowercase b!
  • Official Transliteration: Y y
  • English Equivalent: Y, as in "canyon." The Bulgarians have like 4 different versions of the letter Y. Bulgarians LOVE Y!!! This is one of them, and it's just okay.

16. З з
  • What I call it: 3
  • Official Transliteration: Z z
  • English Equivalent: Z, as in "zoo." I see you trying to slip in letters as numbers, Bulgarians! Don't try to get a fast one over on me!

Are these the things that shoot Space Invaders?
15. Д д
  • What I call it: What the Fuck?
  • Official Transliteration: D d
  • English Equivalent: D as in "door" or "dog." I guess when you think about this symbol, you can see how it evolved from the Greek Delta (Δ), but still. This just turned weird somewhere along the line.

14. Я я
  • What I call it: The Toys Я Us symbol
  • Official Transliteration: Ya ya
  • English Equivalent: Ya, as in "yarn." Yeah, I always wondered what the backwards R meant. I guess it was Ya the entire time, which I would not have guessed. And my friend, all these Bulgarian Y's have just begun! There are more Y's still! When it comes to a war where letters of the alphabet that stand for Y are a necessity, the Bulgarians will crush the English-speaking world like bugs.

13. Й й
  • What I call it: Backwards N, with a Fancy Hat!
  • Official Transliteration: Y y
  • English Equivalent: Y, as in "yoyo" or "yes." I'm a fan of how this letter looks, but I'm struggling to hear any different between Й and Ь in my head.

12. Ц ц
  • What I call it: Bleeding Roman Two
  • Official Transliteration: Ts
  • English Equivalent: Ts, as in "fits." I suppose this is useful. I dunno. Do you want to know how to get a cat's attention in Bulgaria? Just say Ц Ц Ц Ц Ц Ц Ц!

11. Б б
  • What I call it: Weird B
  • Official Transliteration: B b
  • English Equivalent: B, as in "boy." Ah, so weird B was a B after all! This was unexpected, after all the other fake-outs.

10. Ъ ъ
  • What I call it: ...Uhh... another B?
  • Official Transliteration: A a
  • English Equivalent: U, as in "turn." Odd, it transliterates as an A with a fancy hat, but is actually U. I don't know how I feel about this one. 
He will SHtab you.
 9. Ш ш
  • What I call it: THE GREAT TRIDENT OF POSEIDON, GOD OF THE SEA AND MIGHTY EARTH-SHAKER!
  • Official Transliteration: Sh sh
  • English Equivalent: Sh, as in "shit, motherfucker!" (or "sheep" too, I guess). If any letter that doesn't exist in English deserves to become a letter, it's probably "Sh." Sh deserves to be a letter. Also, I have always liked to pretend that III looks like Poseidon's Trident. And I pronounce it "Pwahh-Say-Dawwn."

8. Ю ю
  • What I call it: Like Æ, but for HO.
  • Official Transliteration: Yu yu
  • English Equivalent: Yu, as in "youth." I like how it looks. Hell, it's almost freaking Hangul (Korean)-looking. And yes, we have another Y on our hands here.

7. И и
  • What I call it: Backwards N, I suppose.
  • Official Transliteration: I i
  • English Equivalent: I, as in "machine." Yeah, it's similar to another one, which transliterates to a Y.

6. П п
  • What I call it: Stonehenge
  • Official Transliteration: P p
  • English Equivalent: P, as in "pet." After how cool this letter looked, I was hoping for something cooler than a P. Still, I'll pretend this is Stonehenge and say it's cool.

5. Ч ч
  • What I call it: Drunk h that fell down
  • Official Transliteration: Ch ch
  • English Equivalent: Ch, as in "chip," although sometimes also more like Tch like in "switch." The more popular and common Ch, as hinted at during #19 (X). If you hear Ч-Ч-Ч-Ч in Bulgaria, RUN! That means Jason Vorhees is coming for you.

4. Л л
  • What I call it: Dancing Stonehenge
  • Official Transliteration: L l
  • English Equivalent: L, as in "call." Again, L is pretty boring here. But I like the symbol. Why do their letters for L and P look like each other? Odd. 

3. Г г
  • What I call it: The GALLOWS, MAN!
  • Official Transliteration: G g
  • English Equivalent: G as in "good." Or, you know, "gallows." Because it looks like a gallows. That you hang someone from in the old west. Cool.

2. Ф ф
  • What I call it: Some Fraternity Shit
  • Official Transliteration: F f
  • English Equivalent: F, as in "food." Yeah, I've seen stuff like this symbol before, but usually in the form of the Greek Phi, where or more or less means the same thing (Ph, F).

This letter is a meaжureable colliжion of pleaжure.
1. Ж ж
  • What I call it: The King of All Letters
  • Official Transliteration: Zh zh
  • English Equivalent: S, as in "treasure." I can't even begin to explain how awesome this letter looks. It's also hard to even explain an English equivalent. Though it transliterates to Zh, one of the best examples anyone seems to be able to come up with is the aforementioned "treasure," which obviously isn't spelled "trezhure." Although maybe it should be. Or, more appropriately, "treжure." I supposed you could also say it's like the S in "vision." Wow, this letter is just more and more amazing every time I look at it.

Thursday, March 19, 2020

Ed Ranks Epidemics / Pandemics

Congrats! If you are reading this, you are still alive. For now.
Well, I hope you're socially distancing! I'm not even going to try to give you stats about what's going on with the current COVID-19 pandemic, since they change every day and nothing about it looks good at all. Instead, let's take a dark, dark look down history at some epidemics, pandemics, plagues, etc. And no, COVID-19 WILL NOT be in the list. People who try to rank ongoing/current things along with historical things are idiots. However, if it were on this ranking, you could pretty much guarantee this bug that is shutting down the entire world would rank pretty high. It's like the perfect storm of easy transmission with low mortality (in comparison to other things) that will allow it to spread like wildfire and kill many.

Note that this isn't just a numbers game. Anyone could sort epidemics by their death toll, using zero effort. This isn't Ed Sorts Everything by Numerical Value. It's Ed Ranks Everything. Instead of simply saying "Black Plague wins because it killed the most," I'm weighing factors of deadliness along with other factors like cultural impact, sociopolitical impact, means of spread, leathality (which is completely different than numbers of people killed, because a REALLY lethal bug will actually burn itself out pretty quick by killing its hosts before it can spread too far), and so on. Also note that I am ranking epidemics, rather than the diseases themselves. Which means there are plenty of famous viruses and bacteria out there that are super deadly, but don't make the list because they're not linked to a specific or notable outbreak. Rabies (for example) is super deadly, but there can't really be a rabies epidemic, pandemic, or outbreak unless suddenly bats go crazy and start biting people left and right.Which could honestly happen any day now, the way the world is going in 2020.

10. The Sweating Sickness (1485 to 1551)

For two-thirds of a century, the Sweating Sickness had recurring outbreaks in Tudor England. Probably the only reason it makes this ranking is because it's such a damn mystery. Compared to some other epidemics, this one didn't kill that many, nor spread worldwide. However, nobody knows what the sweating sickness was. There are ancient outbreaks that remain mysteries, but that was ancient times. The Renaissance is, comparatively, a lot later when science was better-ish (stay with me here, people!). Yet we still can only guess as to what this bug was that caused people to break out into sweat, and then die. One of the most famous victims of the sweating sickness was Arthur Tudor. That name doesn't ring a bell? He was SUPPOSED to be the heir of Henry VII. His death is the reason why history wound up with shitty serial-killer Henry VIII instead. One of the most likely causes is theorized to be the Hantavirus, appearing long before it was ever formally "discovered." Nobody really knew about Hantavirus until the Korean War, when strange outbreaks were killing troops. Before Korea, could it have popped up 400 years earlier? Let's go with a strong "uhh... maybe!" 

Oh shit! Skeletons!
9. Russian Flu (1889 to 1890 Influenza Pandemic) 

There are actually a few different outbreaks called "the Russian Flu," because people are pretty racist and nationalistic and really like to blame other countries for diseases. It's why Trump keeps calling the current outbreak "Chinese." You get the picture. The outbreak I'm talking about here was the flu outbreak that hit the world in 1889 and 1890. And by "the world" I really mean it. This, even before the famous "Spanish Flu" (see below) was the first "worldwide" pandemic. People might say "Russian," but it spread far and wide, killing 1 million worldwide. Some of its victims around the globe included John L. O'Sullivan (American journalist and overall asshole famous for coining the term "manifest destiny" to promote stealing more land from Native Americans), a prince of Belgium (Baudouin), notable Russian mathematician Sofya Kovalevskaya, Australian architect John George Knight, and Prince Albert "aka Eddy" of England (the eldest child of the man who would become King Edward VII, thus a potential heir to the throne, who was also batshit crazy, implicated in a homosexual scandal, and has been rumored by some in modern history to be a Jack the Ripper suspect). These names aren't the most famous figures in history, but are meant to show that yeah, this shit was worldwide.

8. Antonine Plague (165 to 180)

Also called "the Plague of Galen," this was an ancient pandemic in the Roman Empire that hit after troops returned home from expeditions to the east. Things got so bad that the plague might have even killed Roman Emperor Lucius Verus, who died in 169. At the time "food poisoning" was blamed, but it might have been this plague. He was actually co-Emperor with a guy named Marcus Aurelius. The same Marcus Aurelius from Gladiator, if that name sounds vaguely familiar even though you're not a history buff. His family name was "Antoninus," hence the name of the plague. For some time, it caused up to 2,000 deaths a day in Rome, and had a mortality rate of 25%. Chinese records also show that it broke out in Eastern Han. The end result? In the Roman Empire, it killed about FIVE MILLION PEOPLE, about 1/3 of the total population of the empire in some areas. So what the hell was this nasty plague? Like the sweating sickness, nobody knows for sure. However, descriptions of the plague indicate that it might have been our good old friend, SMALLPOX! If not that, it might have been measles.

7. Marburg Angola Outbreak (2004 to 2005) 

You might not remember this one, but it was SCARY AS HELL. If you don't remember, it's probably just because you're racist and indifferent to the suffering of Africa. Just kidding (maybe). Seriously though, if you missed this one, it is because it "only" infected 252 people. Why would an outbreak of less than 300 people be ranked with these others, some of which killed millions? I'll tell you why! Of the 252 people infected, 227 died. Let's run those numbers! Yep! That's a 90% fatality rate. A few years earlier in an outbreak in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, it had a similar 83% case fatality rate. Marburg is scary. Marburg is like Ebola's NASTIER brother. It's a fellow Viral Hemorrhagic Fevers (VHF), and is thus related to Ebola and Hantavirus. If this thing really does ever truly outbreak, we are FUCKED. The only saving grace? It has such a high mortality rate, it harms itself by killing its hosts before they can spread. 

A fun little graphic about BURYING YOUR FAMILY!
6. Western Africa Ebola Epidemic (2013 to 2016) 

The fact that Marburg and Ebola are closely related is a good reason why they are ranked next to each other. Why is Ebola ranked higher?  The answer should be pretty damn obvious, and there is a reason why Ebola is more famous than Marburg, despite the fact that Marburg is deadlier. This outbreak killed 11,323 people. You might recall chaos with airports panicking once they learned passengers passed through from Africa, bands on international travel to Western Africa, and even one person dying in the United States from this (still the only person to die in the US of Ebola). This one was especially nasty, and did horrible things to Sierra Leone, Liberia, and Guinea. While Marburg is deadlier in theory, Ebola is deadlier in reality because its lesser mortality rate allows it to pass to others with greater ease. Not that it has a low mortality rate. The 2013-2016 outbreak still killed 40% of those who got it, which is horrible. And that "low" rate was thanks to massive quarantines, containment and control efforts, experimental treatments and testing, and trial vaccines. Other Ebola outbreaks before this had fatality rates of 90%.  Should you be worried about Ebola? HELL YES. There is a reason why this virus is always on the edge of public awareness, and interests so many. From the late 1970s until the mid 1990s, there were barely any breakouts. Since the mid 90s, Ebola outbreaks have happened nearly every year. How recent was the last one? You're still living in it, buddy! A widespread Ebola epidemic has been hitting the Democratic Republic of the Congo since August of 2018, and continues to this day, with some bleeding (no horrible pun intended) into Uganda as well.

5. Plague of Justinian (541 to 542, with recurrences until 750)

The Roman Empire didn't really "fall" in the way many people thought it did, as it really split into two and a lot of it became the Byzantine Empire, located out of Constantinople. Well, between 541 and 542, Constantinople was completely fucked. As were a number of port cities all through the Mediterranean. At its height, 5,000 people might have died per day in the capital of the Byzantines. A number of historians believe the Plague of Justinian was one of the worst in history, killing somewhere between 25 and 50 million people during two centuries of recurrence. If that is right, and historians' guesses of the world population at the times is right, that means it would have killed between 13 to 26% of the world's population. That sounds a lot like a "test run" of the Black Plague, doesn't it? Well, it actually was exactly that. In 2013, scientists proved that Yersinia pestis was the cause of the Plague of Justinian, which is the very cause of the Black Plague.

Yep, this is the pic I'm going with.
4. HIV/AIDS Pandemic (??? to Present) 

I'm just going to leave three question marks as the beginning point of this one, as it's really hard to define exactly when this global pandemic started. There is some evidence that AIDS outbreaks began in the 1920s, in what is now the Democratic Republic of Congo. The first now recognized case of HIV was identified in the Belgian Congo in 1959. By the early 1970s, it was already worldwide, with cases breaking out in the United States, especially in homosexual communities. It wasn't until the 1980s that people really started to pay attention to HIV/AIDS in any concentrated way, and it was defined as we know it today. Whatever year you want to say that this began as a "pandemic," nobody can deny that it is one, as this monster has killed about 32 MILLION PEOPLE. The fact that antiretroviral therapy was introduced beginning in the mid-1990s helped to lower the expansion of, and number of deaths from, AIDS, though the numbers of deaths continued to rise globally until a peak in 2004. Since then, death rates have declined by 56%, though it is still a huge pandemic. A UN report in 2019 indicated that 37.9 million were still living with HIV, with 1.7 million new infections. In 2018, about 770,000 still died. And while rates are declining in many places in the world, including Africa, they are actually going UP in the Middle East, Eastern Europe, and Central Asia. And to any stupid fucking moron who still thinks this is a "gay disease," in 2018, only 17% of new HIV infections came from men who have sex with men.

3. Smallpox and Cocoliztli Epidemics (1520 to 1576) 

At first, I wanted to rank one thing that was simply called something like "The Colombian Exchange" or "Native American Contact," but those would stretch the definition of what a an actual epidemic, pandemic, or outbreak is, and instead lump a series of dozens and dozens of different, horrible outbreaks, into one. So instead, I will focus on what is probably the worst of the worst - the concurrent Smallpox and "Cocoliztli" Epidemics that ravaged central Mexico (Aztec and Mayan populations), recurring from 1520 to 1576. These outbreaks were absolutely devastating acts of genocide against the native populations, reducing the population from near 22 million to less than 2 million. That almost meets the literal definition of "decimation." We know about Smallpox for sure, and that hit first in 1520. Soon after came "Cocoliztli," which is a bit more of a mystery. They may have actually been a number of different diseases and viruses, causing high fevers and bleeding. Some theorize that salmonella could be to blame as well. The correct answer is likely that it was a number of different things, considering that the Europeans came over with a cocktail of dozens of different horrible diseases that would go on devastating native populations throughout the Americas until the late 1800's.
It's called "fashion." Look it up!

2. Black Death (1331 to 1353)

Yeah, this is only #2. I'm sorry. This surprises me almost as much as it surprises you. The Black Death. The Black Plague. The Bubonic Plague. It has many names. I don't need to go on at great length about what this is. Most people know exactly what this was. From 1331 to 1353, Yersinia pestis ravaged Europe, Asia and North Africa. In the end, it's believed to have killed between 75 and 200 million. A world population of 475 million actually dropped to about 350 to 375 million after the plague. Estimates of the European population alone indicate that it wiped out 20 to 60% of the entire population. It's hard to know for sure. You might know some of the stories. People thought that it was caused by stuff like "bad air" under the prevalent "miasma theory" at the time. We all know now that it was rats and stinking fleas that spread it around, mixed in with a good dose shitty late Medieval hygiene. You've probably heard the stories about people catapulting plague victims over city walls to spread the disease. This shit was rough. 200 million people dead is ROUGH. The world would never be the same after it. It fundamentally changed western civilization, forever.

1. Spanish Flu (1918 to 1920) 
Like regular flu, but in a tasty Paella

1918 Influenza Pandemic (against, incorrectly and jingoistically called "Spanish Flu" by foreign states), is shit-in-pants scary to think about. Remember how everyone was scared a decade ago about the H1N1 Swine Flu? They had reason to. The Spanish Flu was also H1N1. The Spanish flu spread like wildfire, and infected 500 million people around the world, which was about 27% of the world population at the time. Most people say that it killed between 17 million and 50 million people, though some guess that number to be as high as 100 million. Lower estimates of the Black Plague are thought to have killed 75 million, compared to the probable 17 to 50 million people here. So why is Spanish Flu ranked as #1? Because unlike the Black Death, this outbreak truly was worldwide, not just a huge chunk of Eurasia. The aforementioned Russian Flu of 1889 to 1890 was a test run for the flu breaking out worldwide and killing people. The Spanish Flu, and deadly strains of the flu in general, are also insanely scary because people are often (just like they are today) like "oh, well, it's just the flu! Who cares?" You should. The Spanish Flu did not appear to be any deadlier than other strains of the flu around the time, but a shitty cocktail of worldwide malnourishment, overcrowded medical camps and hospitals, and poor hygiene, all in the wake of the First World War, created a massive killing machine. This flu killed more people in 24 weeks than HIV/AIDS killed in 24 years. Unlike the current COVID-19 pandemic, which inspires jokes about killing off the boomers, the Spanish Flu was actually really adept at killing younger, healthier people. In 1918–1919, 99% of pandemic influenza deaths in the U.S. occurred in people under 65, and nearly half in young adults 20 to 40 years old. The Spanish Flu is #1 because something like the Black Plague probably could never be as devastating or lethal as it was in the modern era, given modern medical knowledge and care. A deadlier-than-normal flu though? That could really fuck some shit up, even today.

Stay safe out there, people.

Sunday, March 15, 2020

Ed Ranks Activity Orders for Dental Hygeine Care

Ah, the good ol' brush-a-roo!
Dentists recommend that people should brush, floss, and use mouthwash. Not necessarily in that order. Or maybe in that order. So what is the proper order? Perhaps you heard a dentist suggest one order to you. Well guess what! Nobody agrees. Not dentists, and definitely not the internet.

Some think that the order doesn't matter at all, and that the simple fact that you're doing all three is what's important. Others are vehement that a particular order is the only way to go. So let's rank them!

7. Any Order of Brush-Floss-Wash, Followed by Orange Juice
  • Never do this.
6. Brush, Mouthwash, Floss
  • Advantage: I'm not sure there is an advantage here. This order seems weird as hell.
  • Disadvantage:As with any order that has mouthwash after brushing, the wash will wash away a significant amount of the fluoride from the toothpaste.
5. Mouthwash, Brush, Floss
  • Advantage: I'm still not a fan of flossing last, but whatever. Maybe it makes sense to some people.
  • Disadvantage: As I'll say several times in this, any order which includes brushing after the wash means that you brush away the lingering antiseptic and other properties of the wash.
4. Brush, Floss, Mouthwash
  • Advantage: This clean most of your teeth first, then gets out the hard bits in-between, and washes all that plague and gunk out at the end, leaving a fresh taste in your mouth.
  • Disadvantage: Using mouthwash last also washes away a good deal of the fluoride from the toothpaste that was supposed to stay on your teeth after brushing. Also, it leaves antiseptic in your mouth that might kill good bacteria.
3. Floss, Brush, Mouthwash
  • Advantage: Flossing is the hardest part that people are most likely to skip. Doing it first is a good way to make sure it gets done at all, before you get too lazy with cleaning your teeth.
  • Disadvantage: As with any order that has mouthwash after brushing, the wash will wash away a significant amount of the fluoride from the toothpaste. Mouthwash kills bacteria too, which is nominally good. However, it can kill both good and bad bacteria, and the mouth needs good bacteria. Having the mouthwash linger in and continue to kill bacteria might not be the best idea.
2. Mouthwash, Floss, Brush
  • Advantage: An initial wash kills bacteria and freshens your mouth, then you progress to the more difficult flossing, and finish it all with a brushing. The toothpaste at the end will leave fluoride in your mouth over night, which helps your teeth.
  • Disadvantage: Brushing after washing gets rid of some of the lingering benefits of the wash. Plus this order would leave toothpaste taste in your mouth all night, which is a little gross, right?
1. Floss, Mouthwash, Brush
  • Advantage: Flossing is the hardest part that people are most likely to skip. Doing it first is a good way to make sure it gets done, before you get too lazy with cleaning your teeth.
  • Disadvantage: The twin of Floss-Brush-Wash, and not without problems itself. Just as washing after brushing will take away some of the fluoride from the toothpaste, brushing after washing will take away the benefits of washing. It's a coin toss, I suppose. 

Wednesday, March 11, 2020

Ed Ranks Maya Gods and Supernatural Beings, Part II

Good ol' cross-eyed sun gods with fascinators! #2 below.
Enjoy that last ranking? If not… too bad! Because it’s going to keep going. I’m ranking the 50 most interesting gods and supernatural beings in Maya mythology. Now we get to the most interesting of the interesting.

For the bottom half, I’m sure you noticed that some of the entries were pretty brief. As we get further down in the top half, that won’t be the case. More interesting gods and beings have more interesting things to talk about! Some of these will get wordy. Whatever.

Some quick reminders from Part I:
  • There are obviously more than 50 Maya gods and supernatural beings. I’m simply picking the ones that I feel to be the cream of the (usually blood soaked, murderous) crop.
  • Maya beliefs continue to this day, and there are newer gods (or older gods that take on newer attributes and stories, based on how they were syncretized by Christians and/or are used in “New Age” religions). For the most part, I will try to avoid any stories/gods that aren’t part of the Classic (200–1000 CE), Post-Classic (1000–1539 CE), or Contact Periods (1511–1697). That being said, it’s sometimes hard to really know what the old school beliefs were (since they weren’t written down), so some newer stuff might bleed in.
And some new info for Part II, about the “Letter Gods” (or “Alphabet Gods”):
  • As these gods are more interesting, they’re also more important. The more important gods were referenced often in Maya stories, and instead of simply being talked about by the Maya to Christians writing down stories in books, these gods often featured prominently in ancient art, sculpture, etc.
  • Early on, people tried to figure out who all these gods on the side of ancient temples and stones were, but couldn’t. So the “experts” gave them names, like “God A,” “God B,” and so on.
  • After those gods were originally given those generic names, more recent experts have finally figured out the names for a lot of those gods (or at least taken good guesses as to who they might be).
  • Some of the Gods in Part I were also alphabet gods, but if they were, I didn’t really mention that because those gods were only sort of interesting. Some people think Ah Puch was God A, but nobody is sure. As we cover the top gods, I felt it was more important to name their lettering, if they have it and/or the gods are still well-known by that lettering.
Now, without further ado, the top 25:

25. Hapikern

The World Serpent. Perpetually at war with Nohochacyum, a god of creation and destruction (it’s good to be a god of both those things at once, as it leads to job security), and is fated to be destroyed by that god in a final battle (which sucks for it).

It's your friendly Popol Vuh family tree! Also... Ballplayer!
24. Hun-Hunahpu

Father of the hero twins, beheaded in Xibalba by Hun-Came and Vucub-Caquix (I believe the specific death gods who murder him might depend on the version of the story). Setting up the revenge epic. Also the father of the Howler Monkey Twins. After his murder, he may have been reborn as a maize deity (although there is debate). As alluded to in Part I, after he was murdered… his undead zombie sperm also made its way onto Xquic. So he’s got some major “Osiris” vibes going on here for being a posthumous father god with magic death sperm.

23. Goddess I (“White Goddess”)

Like the Moon Goddess that I’ll talk about soon, this poor goddess has lost her specific name, other than that she might be “the White Goddess” in contract to Ix Chel’s (also below) possible moniker of “Red Goddess.” She is seen to be the “terrestrial” counterpart to the Moon Goddess. If the Moon Goddess and Ix Chel are the same, that would make the comparison between Ix Chel and Goddess I as being the counterpart Red and White Goddesses all the more fitting and logical.

22. Acan

God of wine and intoxication. Cool! Every religion has one of these because every religion needs one of these.

Let's make some RAIN wit dat lightning axe!
21. Chaac (God B)

Rain god who owns a lightning axe (how fucking cool is that?). He hits clouds and makes thunder and lightning. Said to be the enemy of Camazotz. Oh, Camazotz is going to be fun!

20. Chin

God of homosexuality! Especially associated with pederast activities. So yeah, the Greeks weren’t alone in that boy-loving stuff. Nothing in a more detailed description about this god will read as politically correct these days. 

19. Och-Kan

The “Vision Serpent,” associated with Maya bloodletting rituals, where participants would experience visions in which they communicated with the ancestors or gods. Ol’ Serpent boy did that for them. A direct link between man and their ancestors / the spiritual realm.

18. Tonsured Maize God

Maize was important to the Mayans, and there were a number of different maize diety myths, which I’m sort of summing up all together under the indemnity of “the Tonsured Maize God.” I’m not sure I can give a more specific name for this god-o-corn, because there were so many different ones. As I’ve noted elsewhere, the father of the hero twins, Hun-Hunahpu, might be the (or “a”) maize god. The maize god is also referred to by names including various forms like ah mun (tender green shoot), zac uac nal (white six new corn), uac chuaac nal (six tall new corn), "ixim" (maize grains), and so on.

Pretty hot goddess, huh?
17. Moon Goddess

If she is not Ix Chel (see separate ranking), whatever the Classic Maya Moon Goddess was named, it has been lost to history. The moon was sometimes thought to represent the stages of a woman’s life. She is associated with sexuality and procreation, fertility and growth, not only of human beings, but also of plants and crops. Ironically, she’s also associated with the opposite of fertility and growth – e.g. she is the goddess of disease. Also associated with water (wells, rainfall, etc).

16. God L

A jaguar god of evening and darkness, yet his name is lost to history (some sources say God L is “Voton,” but Voton is almost certainly a post-Christian invention and not a true Maya god near to any original form). He is a god of wealth, magic, shamanism, and war. In addition to jaguar attributes, he is also depicted with some owl attributes. In the Popol Vuh, he is one of the lords of the underworld. It’s possible that the aspects of the “Night Sun” associated with the Jaguar God of the Underworld / Jaguar God of Terrestrial Fire might mean that he is God L. If so, that would invalidate my classification of that god as the same as Kinich Ahau (see below), as Kinich Ahau is already God G. Unless, as explained in the ranking for Kinich Ahau, God G simply transforms into God L at night.

15. Ek Chuaj (God M)

Fun fact! “Ek” means “black,” so any gods you find with “ek” will basically refer to that. Ek Chuaj was a patron god of both warriors and merchants, although more commonly associated with the merchant side of those two choices. Depicted with dark skin (hence Ek), circles around his eyes, a scorpion tale (he’s sometimes called “Black Scorpion”), and carrying a bag over his shoulder. What’s in the bag? Probably CHOCOLATE! Ek Chuaj was also the god of cacao (again!), which was basically used as currency in Mayan society.

14. Itzamna (God D)

Creator and sky deity. Creator of maize, cacao (again!), writing, calendars and medicine. His name is a bit of a mystery, though it might mean something along the lines of “wizard.” He’s a healer who can raise the dead (although he may have taken on more of his Jesus-ey attributes only after the coming of the Spaniards). Often depicted as an old man, dressed up like a priest. Sometimes represented as a bird, or maybe even the older form of the Tonsured Maize God.

Call 1-800-273-8255
13. Ixtab

Appearing in the Dresden Codex apparently as the Goddess of suicide, she is represented with a rope placed around her neck. Similar to the Grim Reaper (or Psychopomps from Greek Myth), she is said to guide the souls of the recently dead to the afterlife. Alas, there are some theories that her Dresden Codex depiction might not even depict her, and that it’s all a big mix-up. If that’s the case, then nobody quite knows what Ixtab was all about (references to her in the Chilam Balam are vague) or how else she might be depicted. When she is mentioned, it is in the context of chaos, suffering, and hanging, and her name seems to mean “woman who uses rope.” If the specific suicide connotations are a bad reading, she is probably still all about that hanging and death stuff. Who knows? Maybe she’s supposed to be the goddess of auto-erotic asphyxiation.

12. Nohochacyum

A creator/destroyer god, perhaps the brother of death god Ah Cizin / Kisin. Perpetually at war with Hapikern, who he will kill one day in a final battle (by making him wrap around himself and suffocate). Some versions of the story say that Nohochacyum will destroy all life in that battle. So we have that to look forward to. What fun would religion be without a little end times, be it Ragnarok, Christian eschatology, or a battle against a giant world snake?

11. Vucub Caquix

“Seven Macaw,” a bird demon (or god) who is one of the primary villains that is eventually defeated by the Hero Twins in the Popol Vuh. His name might represent the same seven stars that we now thing of as the big dipper, though I suppose Mayans thought it was a macaw. 

10. Buluc Chabtan (God F)

God of war, violence, death, and sacrifice. Is this who they were going to sacrifice Jaguar Paw to in Apocalypto? Maybe. I dunno. He’s sometimes depicted as setting people on fire, and in the Dresden Codices is portrayed as being eaten by maggots. So this guy is just fun all around. Ares wishes that he was as badass of a war god as this guy. Welcome to the Top 10, baby!!! Oh, he's also the god of gambling too. Which is basically the same thing as war. Boss.

8. Qʼuqʼumatz (Tie)

There is no #9. There are a thousand million variations on how to spell this, so I won’t say them all, other than to note that “Gucumatz” is another common form. He’s the feathered serpent deity of the Popol Vuh creation epic, and is said to have created humanity together with Tepeu. If “feathered serpent” is ringing a bell for you, IT SHOULD! Qʼuqʼumatz is the (rough) equivalent of the Aztec god Quetzalcoatl (I guess Quetzalcoatl had better PR guys), and another Maya god figure, Kukulkan. Also the god of law, agriculture, literacy, the arts, medicine, architecture, construction, hunting, and fishing. Basically “civilization,” if you will. The god of civilization. Pretty important god!

Feathery snake boi.
8. Kukulkan (Tie)

“Feathered Serpent,” and therefore again closely related to Qʼuqʼumatz and Quetzalcoatl. The name is cool as hell, and depictions of the god run along the stairs of the very famous Chichen Itza. Alas, little much else survives about the myths of this god. Perhaps we can assume his stories just assimilated into those of Qʼuqʼumatz. There is no way I can give these two different rankings, so I’ll rank both of these at #8.

7. Camazotz

You may recognize this word as the name of the evil planet in A Wrinkle in Time. Well, what the word really translates to is “Death Bat!” HELL YEAH! A7X, BITCHES! But more seriously Death Bat was sort of man-bat god, which sort of makes him the Mayan version of a vampire. Or Batman, to state the obvious. Another god featured heavily in Popol Vuh, and resident of the underworld of Xibalba. There is a different god with a nearly identical name, Camalotz, who is said to have beheaded everyone in the world after the second time life was created. I didn’t give Camalotz his own entry, but I figured that was worth nothing here, because that’s pretty cool too.

6. Hun-Came and Vucub-Came

“One Death” and “Seven Death.” I’ve pulled out these two from the rest of the assorted minor death gods because they were not minor! They are the principle gods of Xibalba and their story is cool. These were prime assholes who, along with Vucub-Caquix, murdered Hun Hunahpu, the father of the Hero Twins. That sets the whole hero’s journey for the twins in motion, and makes up a good chunk of the text of the Popol Vuh. Obviously, being the villains of the tale, the Hero Twins get revenge and kill them.

The Maya invented tentacle porn, I guess.
5. Kʼawiil (God K, Bolon Tzʼakab)

Lightning god and harvest god. Cool. That’s multitasking in godly duties. Also associated with serpents and fertility (which makes sense for a harvest god). The “Bolon Tzʼakab” version of the names means “Innumerable Generations,” which is awesome. Post-Classic codices referred to him as “God K” for a long time (which was obviously never his actual name), but now we think his name was K’awiil, which is thought to mean “powerful one.” This is a pretty important and cool god. Given that's he's associated with serpents, he's sometimes depicted with a snake tail. Fertility + snake tail will obviously lead to some kinky art, as you cal tell from the picture on the right.

4. Huracan (U Kʼux Kaj)

U Kʼux Kaj means “Heart of Sky” (AWESOME name), though Huracan means “one legged” (slightly less awesome). God of wind, storm, fire and one of the supreme creators who participated in all three attempts at creating humanity. He also caused the Great Flood after the second generation of humans angered the gods. As you’d probably guess from just reading the word “Huracan,” yes, this god of wind, storms, destruction and floods is the origin  for the word “hurricane” that we use today.

Regrettable ass tattoo from Acat?
3. The Hero Twins, Hunahpu (God S) and Xbalanque (God CH)

I would write forever about the Hero Twins, since they are the main characters of Popol Vuh. The short version?  They are twins that represent duality. Life and death, sky and earth, day and night, sun and moon, etc. They are summoned to Xibalba by the Lords of the Underworld, and go there to defeat the bad gods and avenge the murder of their father (and uncle). In the end, they are elevated to god status and become the sun and the moon. This is the super short version, everyone. I am cutting a lot of stuff out here. Hunahpu’s name is universally understood to mean “one blowgunner,” because he used a blowgun. Duh. “Hun” is also the name of a ton of gods (many who don’t make my rankings), and it means “one.” Which, I guess, is a pretty easy thing to name your first child.  Xbalanque’s name is a bit more mysterious, as the “X” might come from “yax” (meaning blue-green, but usually referring to jade, which therefore also means “wealth” or “precious”). The “balan” part either means “hidden” or “jaguar,” and the “que” part means either “sun” or “deer.” Jaguar Sun? Precious Jaguar Sun? Hidden Sun? Precious Jaguar Deer? I dunno!”


2. Kinich Ahau (God G, Ahau-Kin) likely also the Jaguar God of the Underworld

Kinich is thought to mean “sun-eyed” or “sun,” and Ahau is a title used meaning something along the lines of “king” or “lord” or “god” (Ahau/Ajaw was a general royal title used during the classic period). So this sun god’s name might literally be SUN GOD. He has a very specific description, that usually involves him being a middle-aged man with a curved nose, large crossed eyes, and a filed incisor in his upper row of teeth. Although the Hero Twin myth ends with them becoming the Sun and Moon, no link between Ahau-Kin and the heroes ever seems to have been made. Kinich Ahau / Ahau-Kin might be one and the same as the Jaguar God of the Underworld, as both are depicted with very similar features (large eyes and filed incisors). The Jaguar God of the Underworld is also sometimes referred to with the “k’in” infix, specifically referring to the sun. If they are the same (and I like to think they are), the Jaguar God is also therefore “The Night Sun” or the “Jaguar Sun,” and the form that Ahau-Kin takes during the nighttime after the sun sets below (and hence enters the underworld). He is also called “the Jaguar God of Terrestrial Fire,” and represents a nocturnal sun (subterranean fire). Ahau-Kin turning into the Jaguar God of the Underworld, who travels from west to east, also makes sense... because then that explains how the sun is in the east again in the next morning. All those things combined = cool. But then again, sun gods are usually awesome.

She also liked pegging rabbits.
1. Ix Chel (Goddess O)

Jaguar goddess of midwifery, childbirth, and medicine. She was greatly venerated by women, especially those trying to get pregnant. Sometimes depicted as elderly with jaguar ears (in more modern times, she’s depicted as young and hot). The meaning of her name is unknown, with theories ranging from “Lady Rainbow” to “Red Goddess.” She may associated with rain, and also may be the consort of Chaac. Sometimes associated with war and depicted in ancient images with claws, surrounded by bones. Since the Moon was associated with the stages in a woman’s like in Maya mythology, the Maya Moon Goddess, when depicted in her elderly form, might also be the same goddess as Ix Chel. The jaguar was also associated with the moon and the night sky, depending on the myth, and the Moon Goddess also shares some of Ix Chel’s attributes related to fertility and medicine. So it’s not without logic that Ix Chel might be the (or one of the) missing names for the Moon Goddess. At the very least, Ix Chel is probably a later version of the Classic-era Moon Goddess. Still, there is enough confusion so that I have two entries, one specifically for Ix Chel, and the other for the nameless Moon Goddess. Either way, she’s cool as hell. Ix Chel doesn’t have to also be the Moon Goddess to make her cool. She’s already a jaguar goddess of birth, medicine and war who likes to surround herself with the bones of her enemies. Stay clear from this lady!

Saturday, March 7, 2020

Ed Ranks Maya Gods and Supernatural Beings, Part I

It's Maya fun (e.g. probably human sacrifice) time!
There is no such thing as one “Maya” mythology or religion, as there were many different groups of Maya, over many centuries, and they passed on their beliefs through oral tradition. Assuming there to be one set of "Maya gods" would be like saying there is one set if "European gods" and making no differentiation between Greek, Norse, etc.

As you’d imagine, Maya stories evolved over time, and a lot of stuff didn’t get written down until the Christians came along (Oh, and the stuff that was recorded before that was burned by the Christians because they're typically history's assholes, but that's a different story for a different time). By that time, Christian faith mingled with and changed Mayan beliefs, so it’s really hard to identify what may or may not be “authentic” (if that word even means anything in an ever-changing world) pre-colonial beliefs.

The best I can do is use sources from the more notable collections of Maya myth (Popol Vuh, Chilam Balam, the Madrid Codex, and so on) and assemble a mix of gods/beings that represent figures from the Classic (200–1000 CE), Post-Classic (1000–1539 CE) and Contact Period (1511–1697) of Maya religion. Yet Maya are still around today. Take the Lacandons, for example. Their culture remained largely isolated in the tropical jungle. So much so that in the 20th Century, they were largely thought to be un-contacted by the outside world. That’s not 100% true, but they had their own beliefs that still existed well after the supposed end of the “Contact Period.” So some of the gods below might also be newer ones, or my descriptions of them might incorporate newer beliefs about the gods that have appeared in the last few centuries.

There are a bazillion of these gods, so I obviously can’t rank them all. 50 seems like a good, large number. So I’ll do 50, split into two parts.

There are a bunch of early, boring, largely uninteresting (in my opinion) creator gods, and other lesser rain and agriculture gods whose major aspects are already incorporated by a more famous and notable god. In those cases, they don’t make the cut of 50. Sorry, gods!

Part 1: Numbers 50 to 26!  

50. Cit-Bolon-Tum

God of healing and medicine. Nothing too interesting here, but he made the cut of 50. So that’s something.

49. Chaac Uayab Xoc

God of fish and fishermen. Cool, but not as cool as most of the others on this ranking.

48. Chicchan

Group of four gods, much like the Bacab (see immediately below), who stood at the four corners of the world. Although these deities were associated with rain,

Bacab: the Maya Quad-Atlases
47. Bacab

Not one god, but the name for four gods (Hobnil, Cantzicnal, Saccimi, and Hosanek) who hold up the four corners of the world, or hold up the sky so that it won’t fall. Yep, Maya are flat earthers. Sorry.

46. Xaman Ek

God of travelers and merchants, who gave offerings to him on the side of roads. Giving offerings to the god of travelers and business is what you had to do before insurance companies existed.

45. Qʼaqʼawitz

Also rendered as “Jacawitz.” Mountain god (perhaps specifically “fire mountain”) and companion of sun god Tohil. You're not going to rank that high if you're just famous for being some other god's companion.

44. Cakulha & Coyopa

Lesser gods of lightning, but not as cool as Kʼawiil or Chaac, who you’ll read about later.

43. Yum Caax

God of the woods, nature, cacao (there are a couple of gods of cacao, actually), plants, and of the hunt. People are suppose to invoke this god before cutting down the woods to build a field (usually maize). Fun Fact: If you say “Yum Caax” in the same way you say “Yaas Queen,” it definitely sounds like you enjoy giving blowjobs.

42. Hunab Ku

Probably not a legit Maya god, as his name means “One God,” and this guy is likely 100% the result of syncretism with Catholicism. Also widely associated with “New Age Mayanism” these days.

41. Bolon Yokte

The god of “nine strides,” although the Chilam Balam (a collection of 17th  and 18th century texts, supposedly written by people who had the title of “Priest Jaguar”) goes into no more description than that to explain what it means. This gets credit for being a cryptic-ass mystery.

40. Cabrakan

God of earthquakes and mountains, who features prominently in the Popol Vuh, where he is defeated by the Hero Twins. Don’t worry if you don’t know who the Hero Twins are, I’ll talk A LOT about them as we continue through these rankings, as they are the main characters in the Popol Vuh, a story that details the Maya creation myths.

39. Yantho Triad

Three sibling gods: Yantho, Usukun, and Uyitzin. They’re also brothers with Nohochacyum (who gets his own entry below), but these three are typically all linked together. They are generally associated with harming humans through earthquakes. Some, but not all, sources claim their names roughly translate to the good, the bad, and the indifferent. Yeah, I was hoping it would be “ugly” too.

"God A," maybe also known as Ah Puch. FUN!
38. Assorted Minor Death Gods

There are a few of these. The Mayans LOVED death gods. There were a ton of them who lived in Xibalba (meaning the underworld, or hell, or more literally: “PLACE OF FEAR!”). Take Ah Puch, for example. Maybe. He’s a great case study to explain problem with trying to define Maya gods. Some sources say that “Ah Puch does not appear to be an authentic Maya name for the death god.” Other sources are adamant that this is an authentic god, and describes what he looks like (skeleton) and which layer of the many underworlds (the ninth) he rules from, and give other detailed facts. Beliefs don’t nicely fit into categories like some would like them to, so the best I can say is that his may not defer to an actual deity from the OG Maya times, but people came to create the god and stories about him later. Some other examples of minor death gods? Ah Cizin / Kisin – Much like Ah Puch. Often depicted as a dancing skeleton, smoking a cigarette, and wearing a collar made from human eyes dangling out from their nerve endings. METAL. Cum Hau - God of death and regeneration. Also something a 5th grader asks in their first sex ed class. Hum Hau – He rhymes with the last one, at least. There are others, including Yum Cimil, and so on, but I won’t cover them all. The important ones I’ll break out and explain separately.

37. Xquic

Mother of the Hero Twins and a goddess of Xibalba. She’s sometimes considered to be the Maya goddess of the waning moon (though that is never stated in the Popol Vuh itself). She wouldn’t even make the cut of interesting enough deities to rank if she wasn’t sometimes called “Blood Maiden.” Shit, that’s a cool nickname. I’m definitely stealing it for some villainess in a high fantasy novel.  She also got pregnant with the Hero Twins after their father, Hun-Hunahpu, was already murdered. How? She went to a tree with a skull on it, which spit Hun-Hunahpu’s jizz onto her hand. That knocked her up. The Maya did the virgin birth theme a lot different than Christians did.

36. Howler Monkey Twins

The B-Term version of the Hero Twins, and their half-brothers. Hun-Chowen and Hun-Batz are turned into howler monkeys and became patron gods of the arts (artwork and writing). They are pretty important characters in mythology, but I don’t really find them that interesting.

35. Ah-Muzen-Cab & Colel Cab

Ah-Muzen is god of bees, and is known to hang upside-down. Unfortunately, he is a god of stingless bees, which really takes all the fun out of being a bee god. Colel is the goddess of bees. Because one bee god is never enough, apparently.

34. Acat

God of tattoos. Do not visit Acan before you visit Acat, or you will end up making a very regrettable choice that’s stuck with you for life.

Behold: a divine being. Your pet cat is aware it is related.
33. Balam

Also B’alam, Balham, and a bunch of other spellings. This is just the Mayan language word for “jaguar,” but jaguars were super important in beliefs (as you’ll see from this ranking). In addition to simply being jaguars, Balam were also considered to be a class of protective deities.

32. Bitol

Sky/creator god and one of 13 deities who tried to create mankind twice, and failed twice. Then succeeded on the third time and took a new name, Ixmacane. Although “Ixmacane” and “Ixmucane” apply to other Maya gods as well. This one isn’t particularly THAT interesting, but was included as an example of the tons of creator gods out there. The gods made the world and humanity a few times before wiping it out and starting over. Which, given the way things are going so far in 2020, doesn’t sound like half a bad idea.

31. Hacha'kyum

Astral god that created the stars by scattering a bunch of sand into the sky. That’s what the stars are! Good ol’ space sand.

30. Wayob / Nagual

Less “god” and more “Supernatural beings,” these are basically the Maya mythology version of shapeshifters who turn into animals while asleep to harm others. Maya werewolves, if you will. Or werejaguars, which is much cooler. Nagual is actually more of an Aztec term than Maya, but the concept predated the Aztecs.

29. Tohil

Fire god, and patron god of the Kʼiche. Tohil definitely demanded blood sacrifice from his people. He also had similarities to Qʼuqʼumatz, and may have been the original form of the feathered serpent god. Also associated with mountains, which is maybe why the Mayans built so many damn pyramids.

Eclipse? Well, someone's head has to roll down a pyramid.
28. Colop U Uichkin

God of eclipses. I suppose it’s important to have one of these gods, huh? Probably a lot of heads rolled down pyramids for this motherfucker. That’s not backed up by any research. I’m just assuming.

27. Cuchumaquic

A lord of hell/Xibalba whose name means “Blood Gatherer.” Yikes. Well, he is a lord of hell. That name is enough to break him away from the other assorted death gods and get his own place on the list.
 
26. Xecotcovach

A bird demon whose name means “Face Gouger,” because it was sent to destroy mankind (the second time they were create) by, well, gouging out their faces and tearing out their eyes with its powerful beak. The Maya did not fuck around my friend.

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Well, it certainly seems to me that “Face Gouger” is a good place to end our first half. Next time… the Top 25 Maya gods and supernatural beings