Ed Ranks Things to Hoard Other than Toilet Paper, Masks, and Hand Sanitizer

Look at these non-hoarding pussies!

The last two of these Ed Ranks Everything went to diverse subjects, not related to the ongoing end of the world COVID-19 pandemic. Well, it's time to face the cold, hard reality of the end of life as we know it itself a temporary period of social distancing, and talk about issues important to the final days before the Hunger Games begin your grocery shopping.

People have gone crazy buying dumb shit like toilet paper, face masks, and hand sanitizer. But why? It seems to me that there are much better things to hoard until you need to begin killing your neighbors for the limited remaining resources for next few peaceful months of self-quarantine. These are the to 25 things to hoard, ranked:

25. Buckets - Buckets might come in handy. You never know. You'll need water maybe. Right? It's not like when everyone who runs the water supply company dies that your tap will still work. And they are all going to die, by the way. Once this thing mutates.

24.  Solar Panels - The power will go out soon too. Better have some solar panels on hand to charge your phone. The internet won't work anymore, so your dumb phone won't connect to anything. But at least you can play some solitaire app or something, right?

23. Can Opener - Hoarded a bunch of cans of food, but not a can opener? Ha! Dumbass!

Also useful as caltrops.

22.  Legos - You might get pretty bored when the majority of mankind is dead and no modern form of entertainment don't work anymore. Legos are pretty fun, and you can be creative.

21. Garlic - First of all, you need to flavor your food. And I put garlic in basically every recipe I make. But this is more important in case the COVID-19 (which probably came from BATS) is just the precursor virus that the vampire armies have sent out before their attack.

20. A Kettle - I dunno. To boil river water or something. Or make ramen. Maybe ramen is the more important thing here.

19. Cardboard Box - You're going to need this for camouflage, just like Solid Snake.

18. Two-Way Radios - Just in case some random lady shows up at the end of days, just like with the terrible, terrible ending of I Am Legend. It was really awful, wasn't it?

17. Batteries - Just like solar panels, you'll need these to power some things. These are only a temporary solution though. Don't worry about that fact though. You probably won't live that much longer in the hellish post-apocalyptic society anyway.

16. Kleenex - Forget "bathroom tissue." You need some regular tissues. What, are you going to keep sneezing into your sleeve?

Seriously though, this is the end times.

15. Weapons - I'm not trying to be that crazy survivalist guy with a bunker, but you might need some weapons to fight others. At the very least, you might need a gun with a single bullet. And you know who you need to use the bullet on. Go on. Admit it. I know it's hard to accept now, but you're going to have to do what you have to do. Better keep it in a locked box in the closet. Just in case.

14. Candles - Why not? You'll want to see in the dark. When everyone is dead and you're raiding the empty shopping malls, Yankee Candle Company might just be your saving grace during the night hours. Which, I remind you, might also include vampires (see #21).

Ha! Paper porno. Old school.

13. Whatever Gets You Off - You know what I mean. The apocalypse will be boring without some light masturbation materials once the internet is down. I'm not going to tell you what this might be. Decide what it is for yourself, and hoard it. Is it old time porno magazines? Fine. Pictures of Meghan Markle that you cut out of People Magazine? Whatever. Just be you. This is a no judgment zone. Nobody should judge you. Because they'll all be dead.

12. Axes - Totally different than "weapons." Weapons are to fight people and animals. This is more like a "tool" to cut down trees and stuff like that. Or use as a weapon. Whatever.

11. Gauze - For when you accidentally hurt yourself with the axe. Plus if you run out of toilet paper because you weren't hording that, gauze is basically EXTRA SOFT toilet paper, right?

10. Water Purifiers - A Brita filter or two will be helpful so you don't get worms.

9. First Aid Kit - Gauze might be in this (you should still have extra gauze though), but this is that important kit that has all sorts of topical creams and stuff in it.

8. Medicine - Especially pain killers, for when you hurt yourself with that axe again. As before, some of this might already be included in your First Aid Kit, but beyond that, medicine in general would be good to have.

This will come in handy.

7. Knives / Multi-tools - Again, not really as a weapon per-se. These are just important to have.

6. Toothbrush/Paste - Why even bother living if you're going to have jacked ass, nasty teeth with cavities?

5. Seeds - If everyone else dies but you make it through everything, you're probably going to want to start some crops of your own. It's not that hard, bitch. Seeds. Water. Sun. Dipshit hunter-gatherers figured this shit out, which is how civilization began. Surely you can learn to grow a fucking tomato. If you can't, you don't deserve to survive this whole thing anyway and you're probably one of the absolute fucking idiots who has a closet full of toilet paper right now. 

4. Matches / BIC lighters - He who controls fire will control the new tribes that form. 

3. Non-Perishable Food Items - This one is pretty obvious. Freeze Dried Foods, MREs, beans, crackers, canned food, ramen, granola bars. You get the drill.

2. Liquor - Necessary.

Something like this, I guess.

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