Ed Ranks Sliced Bread

Behold: Carbohydrates.

There is an obvious "best thing since..." pun that I can work into this article, but I won't. That's basic bitch territory there, and Ed Ranks Everything is beyond basic bitch stuff now.

Note that, as an America, I'm ranking the common types of sliced bread you might find in an American grocery store.

8. Cinnamon Raisin Bread - Also called "Cinnamon Swirl" and a bunch of other things. There are also some rains without the cinnamon, and cinnamon without the raisins, but for the most part these two go together.  I'm not saying this is bad bread or that I don't like it. It's simply the least versatile of sliced bread. You can really only use it for sweet/dessert type things, or breakfast. Beyond smearing butter or cream cheese on it, what else can you use it for? PBJ sandwiches, I guess. But its uses are severely limited.

7. White Bread - So very boring. Sometimes they try to add words like "Italian Bread" to this, to make it seem special. It is not Italian. It is bland and ultra-processed.  But I can't fully hate on it. It is pretty versatile, and can be used for almost anything.

6. Pumpernickel - I'm only including this here than rather as a sub-set of "Rye" bread because... well... I don't know. It's different enough. To be clear, here in America,pumpernickel bread is basically a dark rye bread. Is the same as the dark part of the swirl you'd get in marble rye. In Germany and Europe though, pumpernickel is different. In Europe, pumpernickel is a disgusting, dense, nut-and-grain-filled, nasty concoction that tastes like failed bread that someone tried to get to rise but it didn't. It is horrible, and people who like it should be ashamed of their disgusting selves. I am not talking about gross, dense pumpernickel. I am talking about delicious, fluffy, risen, American pumpernickel which is, as noted, basically dark rye bread.

5. Whole Wheat - Also called "Honey Wheat" by a lot of brands, this is your typical counter to white bread. If you don't get the ultra-processed white bread, chances are you get this a little less processed, and a little healthier, whole wheat bread. It's fine, I suppose.

4. Multi-Grain / Whole Grain  - As opposed to "Whole Wheat," things that have the name "Multi-Grain or "Whole Grain" are typically even more nutty and grainy, with actively visible chunks of seeds, oats, and other grains visible in the bread itself. Usually, they will also have a layer of oats or other grains on top as well. This type of stuff is meant to be healthier, and goes by a million names other than the ones I said above, including Oat Bread, Oatnut Bread, Seed Bread, and on and on.If you want to have healthier and less processed bread, just go ahead and skip the whole wheat and go right for the multi-grain.

3. Sourdough - Pretty damn delicious. It's like white bread, but with flavor and complexity! The fermented, yeasty flavor makes you appreciate that there was a real bread-making and rising process that happened to make this bread. Other breads seem like they might come out of a lab by comparison.

Without rye, there is no pastrami on rye.

2. Rye - This one includes Marble Rye and all the variation of seeded and seedless rye. So delicious! And while some might think that means it is limited to savory-type dishes rather than sweet ones, and is thus handicapped in a similar way to how cinnamon raisin bread is - those people would be wrong! I would have zero problem making a sweet-type of bread meal using rye.


1. Potato - Honestly, there is very little difference between the bleach-filled, processed, unhealthy nature of white bread from potato bread. But I'm ignoring all of that and declaring potato bread as the winner. It is so delicious.  There is no reason to put anything on white bread if potato bread exists. It's so soft and amazing!