Ed Ranks Replies to an Old Article about Danish Slaughter Laws

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I have ranked replies to the Reply Section of an article before, but I think I have just found the ultimate article: Denmark bans kosher and halal slaughter as minister says 'animal rights come before religion'.

A quick summary of the facts:  EU law says that animals must be stunned before they are killed. An exception had previously been made for halal, kosher, and other religious slaughter to continue without stunning. Due to concerns that this was cruel to animals, Denmark eliminated that exception.

Is the headline a little misleading? Sure, as it was written to appear as if Denmark was directly banning certain religious diets. It obviously did not. The Independent is, like pretty much most British newspapers, a little tabloid-ey.

The article came out in February of 2014, which now makes it over 6 years old. Why dig up and talk about an over 6-year-old article? Easy! Because this is the PERFECT type of internet article for an awful, awful, shit-filled comments section. Why? I'm glad you asked! Because, it will attract:

• People who only ready the sensational headline, and not the more detailed nuances about the facts themselves.
• Religious people who think this is a horrible attack on religion in general.
• People who think this is a horrible attack on Judaism. 
• People who think this is a horrible attack on Islam.
• People who hate religion.
• People who are antisemitic. 
• People who are anti-Muslim. 
• People who are animal rights activities, and believe all harm to animals must end. 
• People who are vegans, who believe meat must be banned. 
• People who are ravenous anti-animal rights activists and anti-vegans who take every chance they can to go to find subjects about meat and attack vegans and animal rights activism.
• People who love Denmark.
• People who fucking hate Denmark. 
• People who love the EU. 
• People who fucking hate the EU.
• People who are run of the mill internet trolls and assholes.

Mix all of these together, and you get a whopping 850 comments in reply to this article. Some of the comments are listed as being posted "1 year ago." And this is to a 6-year-old article! So even 5 years later, some of the above are still having a go at this one!  Trust me, the comments don't stick to the issues of this actual article either. If you want to know about Danish (and Faeroe Island) practices related to dolphin and whale slaughter, or if you want to have a debate about genital mutilation, you will find that you have oddly somehow come to the correct place in this article about meat!

I will obviously not rank 850 comments. I must ignore a vast majority of the comments, including pretty much all comments made by people trying to make valid, logical points about how this is a complex issue where some sensitivity and balance is needed.

Here are the top 20 crazy fucking comments, ranked. There are a lot more than just those 20 gems, so maybe go and click the link and visit the batshit craziness yourself!

This article will obviously contain pictures of meat for reference.

20. everett lunday

• The Reply: Meat is murder, very tasty murder. Now who wants some nice lamb chops?
• Analysis: Very lazy reply, repeating an old, old joke. Still a classic though.

19. eddie too

• The Reply: does the danish parliament believe it is ok to inflict pain on a wasp (a living animal) but not on a cow? what is the logic behind allowing the killing of a wasp without anestheticizing it, but not a cow?
• Analysis: eddie too has several replies, all of which were basic spins on the same idea which proved that that he did not know the biological differences between cows and insects.

18. Slap7

• The Reply: It’s about time there was a public drive against these religious fascists, not just against cruelty to animals, but also against face coverings, & other religious nonsense.
• Analysis: Article about meat laws? Better start talking about how I don't like brown women with those veils on their faces!

17. Thomas Stratford

• The Reply: Typical of the ignorant animal rights nutters. As if animals in the wild die quick, painless, and "humane" deaths. Next up the morons will grant them voting rights.
• Analysis: Tommy here isn't the only person in the replies to imply that killing animals humanely is a slippery slope to animals being able to vote (probably Tory, I assume). However, he does do it in a more succinct manner, which I appreciate given how long and tedious many of the rants were.

16. MRegev

• The Reply: Those of you who say that Denmark is open to other religions are wrong. Not only has Denmark banned kosher and Halal slaughter, but there is also talk in Denmark of banning circumcision. Denmark might as well declare itself a ’judenrein’ zone.
• Analysis: A reply that only came 5 years after the article was posted. Started out normal enough and similar to many other posts, but then escalated into DENMARK IS THE SAME NAZIS DURING THE HOLOCAUST really quickly. Yikes.

"Thank God for the Danes" -  also said by Volbeat fans.

15. telbertinoutremer

• The Reply: Thank God for the Danes. To hell with the barbaric middle eastern religious sadists. We need som BALLS in Britoland do the same
• Analysis: Argument duly noted, person who undoubtedly voted for Brexit two years after writing this.

14. Gunny G Alz

• The Reply: As Europe descends into darkness yet AGAIN, I pray that the USA doesn’t have to shed our sacred blood, yet AGAIN! Twice was enough.
• Analysis: There are many dumb Americans who caught this viral news story when it hit in 2014. None is probably a better representation of the term "American Idiot" more than this dumbass who thought the controversy over meat laws in Denmark meant that we might have to rally up the PT landing boats again and storm fucking Europe. Also, American blood is somehow more sacred than other people's blood it would seem. Do I believe that too? Of course. It's called "American Exceptionalism."

13. Benswana

• The Reply: If you are very Christian (like me), then you will know we are not allowed to eat Kosher/Halal meat because it has been slaughtered to a false idol, you should be in favour of this....
• Analysis: I gotta admit, I was not expecting anyone to start throwing "false idols" into the mix. Especially someone who is too stupid to recognize that the "don't worship false idols" thing is literally from the Hebrew Bible.

12. colin nicholas

• The Reply: Religion comes to us from the days of great ignorance, superstition and magic. But nowadays we are being educated beyond religions and gods. Our ancestors made-up more than 3500 gods, from Apollo to Zeus, and from Brahma and Vishnu to Isis and Huitzilopochtli. It’s what they did in ancient times because they didn’t know the difference between the real and the imagined. It’s time we said no to the cruelty of religious traditions. More and more we have to look to science to understand existence, our origins, and actual knowledge rather than ancient superstitions.
• Analysis: Fuck, this lazy shitpost probably doesn't deserve to make the top 20 out of 800+ solid other replies of craziness. Yet anyone who is willing to somehow fit a reference about Huītzilōpōchtli, god of the sun and war, in reply to this article is worth getting a thumbs up from me.

11. noumenal

• The Reply: Ritual slaughter is just one of countless abominations committed against animals to fill the bellies of our insatiable carnivores, but if meat eaters cannot even have the decency to slaughter the animals they consume by using the least cruel and inhumane technology available, then it becomes apparent that Humanity is devoid of humanity. Leonardo da Vinci did not partake of any animal food whatsoever. He was born in 1452 and there was no Holland and Barrett in those days.In his Notebooks (published by Oxford University Press)he stated as follows: “’King of Animals’, as thou has been described. I should rather say, ‘King of Beasts’, thou being the greatest, because thou dost only help them in order that they may give thee thy children for the benefit of thy gullet of which thou hast tried to make a sepulchre for all animals.----Now does not Nature produce enough simple (vegetarian) food for thee to satisfy thyself? And if thou art not content with such, canst thou not by the mixture of them make infinite compounds as Platina describes, and other writers on food?”
• Analysis: Someone literally thought that the way to "win" the comments section was by quoting Leonardo da Vinci. Is this an actual quote? Maybe. I don't care enough to look it up. I just don't see how a dead Italian guy from 500 years ago matters here.

Didn't think priest sex scandals could be worked in? They can!

10. third_coming

• The Reply: Hope they can ban christianity and catholic churches too because of all the child abuses. doesn’t seem to stop and and made itself a tradition...They should ban foie gras and any non free range animal meat. While at it they should just ban eating meat altogether. No one can say stunning is painless or  doesn’t cause suffering. Every animal locked and forced into a device is making animal suffer. Lets get this false animal rights advocation out of the discussion. Right wing snowflakes have never been worried about animal rights before wonder why they are here and not in the article about christian religious men raping kids.
• Analysis: This is actually two replies instead of one, but they were posted at the same time, so I just merged them together. And these are another two that were posted together 1 year ago, five years after the article was posted. Yeah. So this person gets points for being angry about this a half decade later, as well as for mixing anti-religion with animal rights! A double whammy!

9. Harriet Startling-Grope Forsyth

• The Reply: also the nazis were creators of the first animal rights laws werent they? ==== There was widespread support for animal welfare in Nazi Germany[1] and the Nazis took several measures to ensure protection of animals.[2] Many Nazi leaders, including Adolf Hitler and Hermann Göring, were supporters of animal protection. Several Nazis were environmentalists, and species protection and animal welfare were significant issues in the Nazi regime.[3] Heinrich Himmler made an effort to ban the hunting of animals.[4] Göring was an animal lover and conservationist.[5] The current animal welfare laws in Germany are modified versions of the laws introduced by the Nazis
• Analysis: This person wins an award for "Name that is So British it can't possibly be real."  It also makes the super awesome "HITLER WAS A VEGETARIAN" argument, which is, you know, the fucking dumbest argument in the world. Hitler breathed oxygen too, Harriet. Maybe you should fight Hitler's legacy by holding your breath, like, forever.

8. PhillipMcAllist

• The Reply: It is sad to see the Jews befriend their sworn enemies--the muslims--on this issue.  It seems we have left this issue of animal slaughter to the "religious experts" for two millennia. Far too long. It’s now time for a rational approach.  Let us end the cruel, superstitious slaughter of animals--now.
• Analysis: This asshole's whole takeaway from this is, "Wow, it's sad that a controversy like this might bring Jews and Muslims together on the same side of an issue. They should get back to what they should be doing instead - endless centuries of religious warfare against one another."

7. Spigot

• The Reply: The one thing that unites Jews and Muslims is cruelty to animals. Religion is a curse on the world.
• Analysis: This person had a more optimistic look on Jews and Muslims being on the same side of an issue than PhillipMcAllist did, it seems. So that's a step in the right direction, right?

Let me tell you about my religion!

6. kingpr2k

• The Reply: It is the concept of absolute religious freedom that is wrong. Suppose my religion required me to sacrifice a virgin at sunrise on midsummer’s day at stonehenge (or some such). I don’t think any sensible person would accept the religious freedom argument. and why not? Because they would say, "that may have been accepted practice in primitive times but modern society cannot condone it". What’s the difference? Now you can argue about what the most humane way (if any) is of killing an animal but that is a separate question but you can never say that you have an absolute right to practice your religion the way you want. The only reason there is a fuss here is because it involves large, well organised religious groups who often appeal to persecution as a let out clause but the logical extension of this argument would allow me to sacrifice virgins
• Analysis: So this guy is saying that since halal and kosher meat exists, he should also be allowed to sacrifice virgins? That's a bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off for him.  

5. ThinkFree

• The Reply: A step-towards a world free of religion, yes I am openly against religion, only because I think rationally. I am a Humanist, Secularist and an Atheist. I think it is a disgrace how any religion is able to affect the welfare of any animal. I am in no way saying Denmark are ’forgiven’ in respect to the Faroe Island as it is very primitive because inhabitants only used to do it due to freezing cold conditions and severe lack of food. It greatly upsets me that we think that we can treat other living beings in these ways, what gives us the right? Because we are the most dominant? RUBBISH. Hence why I live my life by making sure if I do eat meat, it is organic and I know where it is sourced from. In regards to it being ’Anti-Semitic’, it is a country taking a stand against religion and not letting a farfetched story affect the lives of other living beings. Well done Denmark.
• Analysis: There are many, many, many annoying replies by assholes here. Yet if you want to sort through them all and find the one with the person who sounds like the most annoying, pseudo-intellectual douchezzzle who thinks they are above all other human beings, and that their brain power is superior to lesser man, look no further than ThinkFree. Just look at this person's username, and how they write, and you can literally imagine them, can't you? We all know this internet person.

BARBARIC GENOCIDAL FOX HUNTING ZIONISTS

4. Noor

• The Replies: "I cannot believe such pure HYPOCRISY of the Western-Zionist (FAKE) laws of "human rights and democracy" - where so-called animal rights are more important than GENOCIDE of Muslims! Such laws consider the ENDLESSLY mass murdered, tortured, raped and robbed MUSLIM children and peoples in Iraq, Palestine, Syria, Libya, Central African Republic, Somalia, Mali and so on, from intervention of Imperialist warmongering Western-Zionist BARBARIANS, are worth nothing! But these BARBARIANS might pretend to lOVE.... their animals! And why Muslims become refugees - from the wars that the warmongering PARASITES from the Christian-Zionist-ruled world started in the first place! And don’t forget all those mass-murdered Muslim by Hindus in India or the Buddhists in Myanmar!"; and "I wonder if the HYPOCRITE pretenders will ban animal TORTURERS in ANIMAL EXPERIMENTATION (especially for cosmetic and weapon industries), FUR-LOVERS and BLOODSPORT, from the capitalist and elitist tradition 8incluidng the ROYALS)?!" 
• Analysis: This is one that is two replies from Noor instead of just one, however I didn't want to include multiple replies from the same people, and couldn't choose which one I liked more, so I just included both. Not to imply that this was only two posts. Noor seems to have copies and pasted these two replies, or slight versions of these replies, and replied with them dozens and dozens of times. Noor is the absolute King / Queen of this reply string, and replied so many times it's crazy. As you can see, Noor ALSO REPEATEDLY posted THINGS IN CAPSLOCK for no particular reason at RANDOM TIMES.  Who knows what the fuck is going on in Noor's head when reading their comments. Just do a search function for "Noor" and GET READY for the CRAZY. Noor also repeated accused people of "harassing me in real life" over and over again in their replies, implying that people he or she was having an internet argument about in this forum were also going outside of their house to, like, throw rocks at or something. Which, is, you know, fucking nutso. 

3. DickGozigna

• The Reply: LOOK AT ME! I’M NOOR! I LIKE TO USE ALL CAPS BECAUSE I’M A TOTAL NUTJOB! I WEAR A TINFOIL HAT ON MY HEAD TO KEEP THE ZIONISTS, THE ROYAL FAMILY, AND THE SURVIVING MEMBERS OF EMF FROM READING MY THOUGHTS BECAUSE THAT’S THE TRUTHS!!!
• Analysis: Better than any Noor reply itself is this amazing reply to Noor, which is great.

2. Letter_from_Captain_Swing

• The Reply: I just wish the IDF would kill Palestinian children more humanely, instead of just randomly firing into crowded places.
• Analysis: Oof.

Vegetables! The solution to all.

1. santhu21

• The Reply: Why don’t everybody in europe be Vegetarian
• Analysis: That would certainly solve this whole issue, wouldn't it, santhu21? Thanks for throwing your two cents in! I think if anyone else paid attention to your suggstion, we could have worked this whole thing out without a need for so much vitriol.