Ed Ranks Suggested Things to Eat Green Eggs and Ham In, On, and With

I would have the same face, my man.

Sam-I-Am offered the unnamed protagonist (sometimes known as "Guy-I-Am") twelve different locations or things to eat "Green Eggs and Ham" with. Note that "Anywhere" was never offered by Sam-I-Am, yet the protagonist typically ended his refusals with "I will not eat them anywhere." So technically, "anywhere" was never actually suggested. And this is Ed Ranks Suggested Things to Eat Green Eggs and Ham In, On and With.

Why are these things green by the way? Do they come from a strange variety of animal? Are they vegan-friendly plant products meant to imitate eggs and ham? Have the just gone really bad?

I do not try to answer those questions here. All I do is rank.

12. With a Mouse - This is a bad idea, and basically how the Black Plague started. Do not share your food with mice, even if you've got a pretty good feeling that the mouse is clean.

11. In a Tree - Very impractical. Eggs are messy enough as they are, and I can see someone falling off a branch while trying to eat them.

10. In a Box - What kind of shitty-ass solitary confinement Abu Ghraib suggestion is this? Maybe children eating food inside of a box is fun, if the kids are imagining that the box is something else. Like they're pretending it's a submarine, or a car, or whatever kids wish to imagine. Still, that kid shouldn't be eating there.

Cute enough, but a filthy damn thief!

9. With a Fox - I'm not sure what diseases foxes carry. They're related to dogs, so they can't be that bad, right? Still, if this is a wild fox, it would be very silly to eat eggs and ham with it. The fox likely just wants to steal it from you anyway, and run off. Oh, those tricky foxes!

8. In the Rain - I guess you could if you wanted to go for that John Cusack effect. Still, doesn't seem like the wisest choice. All that rain water getting in your eggs? The ham should be fine, but how well your eggs hold up in the rain depends on how they are cooked. Hard boiled would be your best choice, but the eggs in the illustrations definitely look sunny side up. Perhaps they are over easy. But either way, as soon as you burst that egg yolk, that rain is going to make a puddle on your plate.

7. On a Train - While I'm overall agnostic about how these eggs and ham became green for these rankings, I just gotta say that if it's Amtrak that serves you green eggs and ham for breakfast, that is MOLD my friend.

6. In the Dark - How would you eat them in the dark if you can't even see them? Or is this just a metaphor for "at night," in which case you're likely stopping in at an IHOP or Dennys at 3AM to eat green eggs and ham after a night of drinking. Who am I to judge?

5. With a Goat - I mean this is a pretty strange fetish you're carrying out if you say "yes," so I can see why the protagonist said "no." A strange man comes up to you (a man who you expressly say that you do not like) and offers you eggs and ham that are an unusual color AND to eat them with a goat. I can understand why this is so off-putting.

4. Here and There - Pretty generic. Is Sam-I-Am only referring to two places, or is this more of an idiom to represent the aforementioned "Everywhere." Obviously the protagonist took it to mean the latter, based on his response.

Go ahead and pair it with a Rt. 44-sized cherry limeade.

3. In a Car - Sort of sad and pathetic, but sure. Why not? Go ahead and eat your green eggs and ham in your car. I won't ask why. Did you get them in drive through? If so, what place sells green eggs... and are you sure you should be eating that? Or maybe your spouse kicked you out of the house and you're now living in the car. No matter what, you might want to reconsider whatever life choices led you to eating green eggs and ham in a car.

2. On a Boat - A small canoe or fishing boat? No. Bad idea. If we're talking about a yacht with a chef on it, this sounds like a fabulous way to begin a morning going through the Mediterranean isles like the rich baller you are who can eat genetically modified chicken and pig products that you paid thousands of dollars for.

1. In a House - Logically, this is the best and most valid location where you should eat green eggs and ham. An alternative is at a restaurant, but those all might be shut down by some COVID-like crisis caused by morons eating their food with mice, foxes, and goats.