Ed Ranks Royal Mistresses (Part II)

Well, here we are, in a continuation of the Part I of this ranking, I now conclude by naming the top 10 royal mistresses of all time. Why do these women stand out above the others?  Well, it’s often hard to say. Henrietta Howard (#10) below could have easily been #11 and reversed places with Lillie Langtry. In the end, probably the most important factor to raising these mistresses to the top was how much power and influence they were able to assume in their time as mistress, mixed up with any enduring fame.

10. Henrietta Howard, Countess of Suffolk 

Looking contemplative as hell.

George II is a solidly mediocre and forgettable English monarch (he ranked #27 on my ranking). But his mistress, Henrietta Howard? She’s a little more memorable. Her life started off pretty shitty, with both of her parents dying at a young age (her father in a duel). Oh, she also suffered from lifelong headaches and deafness… if the whole “dead parents” thing wasn’t enough for you to feel bad for her. An orphan by age 12, she was taken in as a ward by Henry Howard, the Earl of Suffolk. Henrietta made the best of the situation and eventually wooed the Earl’s son, Charles, and married him. Life continued to suck for Henrietta though, as the marriage was not a happy one since Charles had gambling problems and was violent towards her. The unhappy couple traveled to Hanover, Germany in 1714 to try to get in the good graces of the Elector of Hanover, who was the presumptive heir to the British throne. That same year, Queen Anne of England died and the Elector of Hanover became King George I. But it wasn’t George I that got wooed. It was George’s son, the future George II, and he got wooed specifically by Henrietta. Basically, the prince made a deal with shitty asshole Charles Howard to help clear up all his crippling debt from gambling in exchange for, you know, his wife. So yeah, it was Indecent Proposal. As with a few royal mistresses on these rankings, Henrietta actually had a good relationship with the actual Queen (Caroline), and some sources claim that this weird, triangle relationship actually helped to “save” the king and queen’s marriage. She had a fairly good thing going for several years, eventually separated from her husband (although they remained married and she got the title of Countess when he became Earl), and also eventually left the company of George II. Her husband died and she remarried, but that guy died to. She retired to a nice chunk of land on the Thames River and lived happily until the age of 77 or 78ish.  Good work, Henrietta! You figured out how to do this mistress thing right!

9. Elizabeth Conyngham

What’s better than becoming the mistress of a monarch? How about becoming the mistress of two monarchs (albeit briefly)? The Conyngham family was not a particularly wealthy or powerful family in England, but their 12-year-old daughter Elizabeth (according to the Duke of Wellington) decided that at a ripe young age one day she would be mistress to the Prince of Wales, the future King George IV.  Which is a pretty weird thing to hear from your little girl when you ask them what they want to be when they grow up. That was in 1806. In 1816, she tested the waters of banging royalty by (probably) having an brief affair with the future Czar Nicholas I of Russia, when he was visiting London. By the time 1819 rolled around, then 25-year-old Elizabeth (married!) got her wish and hooked up with George, who was by then the Prince Regent (technically still Prince of England, but actually ruling in his father’s place because George III was BATSHIT CRAZY). She quickly became George’s #1 squeeze and supplanted his other mistress, Isabella Seymour-Conway. She remained fairly powerful and loved by George until his death, but was never really popular or accepted at court. She would go on and live 92 years, so that’s pretty awesome.

8. Carolina “La Belle” Otero

Hey, the same shtick worked for Lola Montez!

Some mistresses become the mistress of a monarch and go, “Great! I’ve accomplished my goal.” But for Carolina Otero (like Elizabeth Conyngham) that was not enough. Why be a mistress to one measly monarch when you can aspire to become the mistress of multiple rulers? Never give up on your dreams, Carolina! The daughter of an impoverished Spanish single mother, she became a singer/dancer in Lisbon. Then she moved to Marseilles and got really hard into method acting, where she started to portray herself as “La Belle Otero,” an Andalusian Gypsy. She also had some tig ol’ bitties, which were popular at the time (when are they not?). Her famous cans have supposedly been immortalized in the cuploas of the Hotel Carlton in, well, Cannes. As her success continued, she moved again to Paris and became the most famous and sought-after courtesan in Europe. In phrasing that sources use to cover all bases and be vague or polite, it’s said that she soon “associated herself” with various members of European royalty, including Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany, Prince Albert I of Monaco, King Edward VII of England, the Kings of Serbia and Spain, as well as Russian Grand Dukes Peter and Nicholas. We can’t be 100% sure she bedded all of those guys, but she is generally regarded as at least the mistress of both noted womanizer Edward VII, and to Prince Albert I. After all of that? Well, she got super rich, then got even richer, but then spent it all away gambling in Monaco before retiring to Nice, France to live in a hotel. But she lived to be 96 years old and it sounds like for at least the first half of it, she was living it up!

7. Gabrielle d'Estrées

Boop!

Henry IV of France had a LOT of mistresses. I think there are varying numbers put out there, but one number I’ve seen a bunch is 56 as the number of documented women. Gabrielle d'Estrées was one of them, and the most important of them all. Henry, still not crowned yet, “fell in love” with her when she was 17-ish and totally went out in public with her, despite the fact that he was married. There is a question as to who was in control in this relationship. Henry IV was a Protestant and he was bitterly struggling with France’s Catholic League (surprisingly not a charity baseball league, but they did have the power to crown him as King of France). Gabrielle was a Catholic. Gabrielle apparently suggested one way to end the feud with the Catholic League and get the crown was by renouncing his faith and becoming Catholic. So he did that. And became King. After that came an era of persecuting Protestants, which Henry IV got really, really, really into despite the fact that he was formerly one. It finally took Gabrielle to say that maybe they shouldn’t do that, and Gabrielle is largely credited as one of the key factors in getting Henry IV to agree to the Edict of Nantes, which guaranteed religious freedoms to French Protestants (especially the persecuted Huguenots, which are surprisingly not all astronauts named Hugo). Basically, she just ran shit for Henry IV. Henry knew this, because he appealed to the Pope to annul his marriage to his wife and marry Gabrielle. But she died before it could ever happen. Like other mistresses on this ranking (e.g. Agnès Sorel), there is also an accusation that she was poisoned. But, like, who knows. Gabrielle has also been immortalized in art, as one of the most famous paintings in the Louvre, Gabrielle d'Estrées et une de ses sœurs, features her naked and getting her nipple pinched while she holds Henry IV’s coronation ring. Yeah, that painting! She’s the one on the right.

6. Louise de Kérouaille

Bonjour! I am here to seduce your king.

Louise was one of the many, many, many, many mistresses of Charles II (again). Get used to hearing about that horndog womanizer. From a noble family in Brittany (e.g. France), Louise worked in the house of Henrietta Anne Stuart, the sister of King Charles. Initially, Henrietta wanted to set up Louise with King Louis XIV of France. But Louise was accompanying Henrietta to meet Charles II himself when Henrietta died. Charles II, out of the good graces of his own heart was like, “Mmm, yeah. I’ll keep her.” She quickly became his mistresses, replacing the now out-of-favor Barbara Villiers. Of course, this nobody French girl (and worse… CATHOLIC!) coming to sudden power pissed a lot of people off, probably including other gentry who wanted their own daughters to become the King’s fuckbuddies. This led to scandalous (unverified) rumors that Louise was a French spy. The fact that the French ambassadors were totally fawning over her and giving her gifts didn’t help much (they obviously hoped she would help influence Charles on matters in a pro-French way, but again…there is no evidence Louise was actively a French agent). Charles was, of course, doubling and tripling up on mistresses at the time, and had Louise at the same time as Nell Gwyn. Leading to a hilarious anecdote where someone confused Nell with Louise, and Nell said, “No, I’m the Protestant Whore.” Louise was pretty successful in her run as a mistress, despite the many who were out to get her. She was given some titles including Baroness, Duchess, and Countess; helped Charles to establish the Royal Society, and escaped the purge of the “Popish Plot” with the help of Charles II’s wife Catherine (who could actually tolerate Louise, unlike many of the other mistresses who Catherine thought were just straight up bitches). As usual though, after the king died, Louise fell out of favor and had no protector. She returned to France and was apparently freuqently in debt. She did live a long, healthy life until the age of 85. Another legacy? She obviously has some DNA that the current Prince Charles is attracted to, because BOTH Diana, Princess of Wales and Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall (formerly Parker Bowles) are descended from Louise, by way of the son she had with Charles II.

5. Barbara Villiers (Palmer), Countess of Castlemaine

This lady knew all the positions. ALL OF THEM.

I mean that’s a pretty cool title, so this lady is going to be legit (for sure). Let’s talk about her!  Barbara was of a known, noble English family but was a bit poor, which reduced her potential marriage matches. Eventually she married Roger (not Robert) Palmer and travelled to the Netherlands, where she met Charles II in exile. Ah, this ol’ horndog again. Barbara (now Palmer) would become the most famous of all of Charles II’s many mistresses. She was purported to be the most beautiful, and was renowned for her big hair, heavy violet eyes, alabaster skin, and DSLs (you know what I mean, if not…look it up). Her marriage to Palmer didn’t last long, and before it was over, she was already banging Charles II.  But Charles wasn’t really king until Oliver Cromwell was defeated and he returned to London from the Netherlands. Once that happened, the king summoned Barbara to come with him and receive a title called “Lady of the Bedchamber.” OH, YOU BET SHE WAS. There are all sorts of stories that she was some sort of 17th Century sexpert, and was a devoted student of a book of lovemaking positions that was the Karma Sutra of its time. She spent a lot of time with the king, and various sources cite that they had a different number of children with each other. The most common among the sources is that she had six children, five of which Charles II recognized as his. The one that he didn’t recognize might have actually have been his, although many believed it was the child of another one of her lovers – John CHURCHILL. Yep. Churchill. Have you heard stories of how Lady Diana was related to Winston Churchill? It’s through this gal. How influential was she in her time? She was generally called “The Uncrowned Queen” and was basically Charles II’s real wife who wielded all the paper. For a while. As kings typically do, they move on to new mistresses (like Nell Gwynn and Louise de Kérouaille), and eventually Charles II did. It was all good though, as the king didn’t really spite her or care about her messing around with that Churchill dude. They drifted apart and she lost her power and influence. Supposedly they reconciled shortly before he died, but she never got all that sweet, sweet power back.  All things considered though, no horrible ending that involves banishment. So things worked out okay for this mistress.

4. Anne Boleyn

Remove everything above the "B."

I don’t want to talk too much about Anne Boleyn because I’ve already talked about her before, and ranked her as #1. You know who she is. She is the ULTIMATE royal mistress. She achieved the goal that other royal mistresses only dreamed of – usurping the Queen herself and becoming Queen.  No other mistress on this list ever became QUEEN OF A COUNTRY. She has an undeniable legacy. The history of religion was forever changed by Henry VIII’s desire to divorce his wife and marry her. While Protestantism was already on the rise in this era, it got an adrenaline shot when England left the Catholic Church. Just imagine if England was still a Catholic country in their age of global empire building.  I’m not saying the world would have been better or worse – just that the world would be completely different. Anne Boleyn’s step up from “mistress” to “Queen” left an endurable legacy on history. Even her daughter became Queen Elizabeth I.  But her reign as queen, alas, was tragically short because the same bullshit maneuvering and power plays that take powerful women out of power that you’ll see all over these rankings. Since Anne rose to the top higher than any other mistress, she also came crashing down harder than any other, and is the only woman on this list to be executed.

3. Lola Montez

From escort to RULER OF BAVARIA. Upgrade!

Ah, the lovely Spanish dancer and seductress Ms. Eliza Rosanna Gilbert, AKA “Lola Montez.”  If you’re wondering why a Spanish lady has the last name “Gilbert,” it’s because…well...sorry to break this to you, but she wasn’t Spanish. Eliza came from Ireland (her mom grew up in a freaking castle as the daughter of the High Sheriff of Cork). Much of Eliza’s life was shrouded in mystery and legend with discrepant reports (this tends to happen with people who create secret identities).  What everyone can agree on though is eventually she spent some time in India when her dad (a military officer) was sent there, her dad died, her mom remarried, and then she went to England where everyone thought she was this weird and “exotic” “Indian” girl. She married at age 16 and eventually went back to India, got divorced, and she became a professional dancer using a stage name. She returned to England and by this time she was definitely using the pseudonym “Lola Montez, the Spanish dancer.” Things didn’t take off and she quickly moved to the European continent where she became a huge hit and where she also became a professional courtesan in addition to dancing (did you actually believe there was no sex in the Champagne room? Well, in Lola’s case there was definitely sex). It’s said she had a relationship with Alexandre Dumas and other notable and powerful people. But she reached the peak of her game and acquired the “royal mistress” title by meeting Ludwig I, King of Bavaria in 1846. Ludwig essentially introduced himself to her by asking “Are those tits real?” (How romantic!) She promptly answered by tearing off her clothes to show him. I kid you not. At least that’s the story.  Ludwig became infatuated with her, and did stuff like make her a Countess, build her a castle, and defer the vast majority of the kingdom's political power to her (which she dedicated towards Liberalism). People who objected to her rise in power were fired from their positions in the state (and in the Church). For about a year she ruled the country of Bavaria. Alas, Ludwig wasn’t the most popular king and the year 1848 saw a huge number of democratic and liberal revolutions throughout Europe. Ludwig was deposed and Lola lost her sugar daddy. After a brief illegitimate marriage to a military officer, she went to the United States under her Lola Montez moniker, and was pretty successful from her notoriety in Bavaria. She starred in an autobiographical play about herself. She had another illegitimate marriage in the US, was charged with murder (another story for another day), and then did a popular tour in Australia before settling down again in New York. Alas, being a courtesan before the discovery of penicillin was a dangerous game, and Lola Montez died from complications of syphilis at age 39. Still, she and her famous, sexy "spider dance" became immortal. Also, she has a pretty awesome Volbeat song named after here, and that’s got to count for something.

2. Madame de Pompadour

Mistress. Prime Minister. Pimp.

If you don’t recognize the name “Jeanne-Antoinette Poisson,” you’ve at least heard her other name – Madame de Pompadour. She’s probably the most famous mistress there ever was, has been highly romanticized through history, and has inspired everything from bad hair styles to an episode of Doctor Who.  She was married at 19 and soon started working the aristocratic circuit, where she became well-known for her wit, culture, and great conversation skills. Eventually, they took notice of this witty, pretty, young lady at a little palace called “Versailles.” In February of 1745 she was invited to a masked ball at the palace. By March she had already moved in and became French King Louis XV’s mistress. Well, that didn’t take long! What do you think her husband thought about this? Well, it probably didn’t matter because what the hell was he going to do when the KING OF FRANCE SNATCHES YO BRIDE? Nothing. For the next five years, Jeanne-Antoinette Poisson would be Louis XV’s #1 girl. That wasn’t just limited to being someone that he slept with. Madame de Pompadour essentially became King Louis’s de-facto Prime Minister, and did little tiny things like, oh, name appointments, promotions, and firings for all of the important positions of power, as well as play a substantial role in setting domestic and foreign affairs. That’s all. Pluses can also have minuses though, and her involvement in foreign affairs means she was partially blamed for French failures in war such as the Seven Years War, which took the form of the "French and Indian War" in the Western Hemisphere (France lost a substantial chunk of its colonial claims, including Canada). But it was Pompadour’s health, rather than any political failings, that eventually moved her away from the role of Louis XV’s bottom bitch. She suffered several issues including a whooping cough and miscarriages that ended their sexual relationship. So what happened to her after that? Was she banished? Kicked out? Shunned? Forgotten? Nope! She simply became Louis’s pimp and started hooking him up with OTHER women. Louis basically adored and trusted her for the rest of her, alas short, life (tuberculosis, damn you!).

1. Diane de Poitiers

MILF - Mistress Inherently Leading France

So who do I think is an even better mistress than the famed Madame de Pompadour? Diane de Poitiers may not have invented the concept of the “cougar,” but she is probably the most important and successful cougar in history. Her story begins when she was wed at a young age to a super old guy (as do many stories here). Of course, the old guy died and Diane moved on to a new job – being a 32-year old tutor for a 12-year-old boy named “Henry.” Oh, and did I forget to mention that this particular “Henry” was “Henry, Dauphin of France and heir to the French throne?”  No? Well now I did. She was his tutor in “courtly ways” and how to be a gentleman. And teach him to be a man she did. As a royal and the heir to the throne, Henry II didn’t get to marry for love. Thus he was engaged to, and eventually wed, Cathérine de Medici for political reasons. But Henry didn’t want Cathérine. He wanted to keep getting “tutored” by Mrs. de Poitiers, if you know what I mean. The romance apparently started when he turned 16 and she was 35. It seems Diane had to teach him A LOT. Henry didn’t even want to bed Cathérine, and it was apparently up to Diane to coach him into trips to the bedroom with his wife, to get him fluffed up, and to tell him to think about her when he was in there with Cathérine. For 25 years, Diane was the queen in everything but name. I don't just mean “queen” as in “the wife of the ruling king.” I mean “queen” as in “the ruling queen.” She was the most powerful woman in France and ran everything on a day-to-day basis on the king’s behalf. For 25 damn years, I repeat!!! Many documents that the king needed to sign were actually signed by her, with the signature “HenriDiane,” as if they had merged into one, solitary entity. Everyone just accepted this. Getting something signed by Diane was the exact same thing as getting it signed by the ruling monarch. Diane would always be the love of Henry’s life, but the fun all came crashing to an end when Henry died in a jousting tournament. Cathérine de’ Medici was, needless to say, not a fan of her after spending a quarter century being always second to a goddamn mistress. Cathérine had Diane banished after Henry was dead and buried. Diane was forced to give up a beautiful chateau that she owned, as well as some jewels. Fortunately, she didn’t exactly live in poverty or anything, as she spent the rest of her life living in other beautiful, opulent chateaus. She died at the age of 66, which is, ya know, pretty good for someone in the 1500’s. This story has it all. A little “hot for teacher,” a little “true love,” and its also about the most important and powerful woman of the first half of the 16th Century (I guess I can begrudgingly give the second half of the century to Queen Elizabeth I).