Ed Ranks Royal Mistresses (Part I)

Here to have sex and tacitly rule empires.

I don’t remember how I initially came up with the idea of ranking royal mistresses, but when I did I assumed it would be something I could put together fairly quickly. I was wrong. First of all, there have been a lot of royal mistresses. Tons of them. That aside, I guessed only a few of them ever reached a status to become famous or notable. You know the ones.  Like Madame de Pompadour or Anne Boelyn (who was such a good mistress that she became queen).

But then I learned being a mistress was serious business. It wasn’t something where some horny king claimed his right to bed any cute young girl that he wanted (okay, it was that… but it was also much, much more). Mistresses often were more than just a lil’ side action that got hidden from the queen.
Did you know that “Maîtresse-en-titre” was an official title? Yeah. Being a mistress sometimes was an official to quasi-official title with a salary and job responsibilities (other than the obvious).  Some mistresses would become so powerful that they would sign documents on behalf of the king, or even manage the policy of the government on a day-to-day basis.  Parents often raised their little girls in the hope that they would one day become royal mistresses. It was crazy!

After I figured all of that out, I came to realize that in order to rank these women of power and influence, I’d need to do a lot more research than I thought. On par with some of the more complex multi-part ones I’ve done, like ranking monarchs themselves (or the Crusades). In ranking, I had to consider all sorts of things like notability (both at the time, as well as any enduring legacy), the power they wielded, the length of time in their position, their ultimate fate (some of these stories are obviously pretty rough, as history has been to women), and other factors.

These are the 20 most notable mistresses, ranked and divided into two parts (because this thing wound up becoming more of a novella than a ranking).

20. Lucy Walter

A Welsh-born woman, from the lower ranks of nobility, young Lucy met the future King Charles II (then the Prince of Wales) while he was an 18-year-old exile in the Hague. You’ll hear a lot more about this guy later. They hooked up and eventually Lucy got pregnant, giving birth to a boy named "James" that Charles would admit was his and recognize. The child would be given the title of “Duke of Monmouth.” At any rate, time moved on and Charles moved to Scotland. Later, Lucy would try to work her way back into Charles’s life but he wasn’t that interested. When she came to England to try to hook up with him again, she was even thrown in the Tower of London for a short while (suspected of being a spy) and banished. She continued to live it up in Europe and never saw her king boy toy again before her death. She wound up being more notable in her death than her life though. That's because that son of hers, James of Monmouth, would become a key figure in the "Exclusion Crisis," when Protestant factions of government tried to find various ways to exclude the Catholic James II from taking the throne, especially by claiming that Charles II and Lucy had been secretly wed. This would therefore make James the “legitimate” heir. It didn’t work but, you know, good try.

19. Agnès Sorel

Creepy. Yet I'd like to learn more about your religion.

Charles VII of France seemed pretty cool with the fact that his dad had a mistress (we’ll talk about that mistress soon), and decided that he’d get one too. Obviously. Because he’s a powerful guy and banging as many women as possible in a disproportionate power relationship is the general thing that powerful guys like to do. At age 20-ish, Agnes Sorel was introduced to Charles II and she quickly became his #1 mistress. Charles gave her the Château de Loches as a gift, with is a pretty big deal to Charles VII because that’s the place where Joan of Arc had persuaded him to be crowned king (I won’t go into this too much, but the throne didn’t pass immediately from Charles VI to Charles VII because the Treaty of Troyes. Maybe I’ll talk more about the awesomeness of the 100 Years War in another ranking). Sorel became both famous and scandalous, and stories say that she would wear super low-cut dresses that would expose one nipple. Want to know what that looks like? Well, you’re in luck because Renaissance Painter Jean Fouquet decided to use her, and her titty-out dress style, as his model for THE MOTHER OF THE LORD in his most famous work, the Melun Diptych.  Agnès would have four children with Charles, and would die giving birth to the fourth one. Supposedly, there is also a story that Agnès was poisoned by some political rival. An autopsy later would show signs of mercury poisoning it in, potentially validating the theory. But then again, people used mercury for all sorts of stupid shit back then. So who knows?  Charles VII was totally heartbroken by her death. Wait. Did I say “heartbroken?” What I meant to say is “he immediately moved on and replaced Agnès with her 14-year old cousin, Antoinette Maignelais.”

18. Mary Robinson

Since “Mary Robinson” is a pretty common name, the Wikipedia disambiguation page for this one politely calls her “Mary Robinson (Poet)” rather than, you know, “Mary Robinson (Actress / Prostitute Who Got Scammed by the Crown Prince).” Yeah, “scam” is actually a pretty good term to use here. The future King George IV had a lot of mistresses. His first public one was Mary. Already an established and popular actress, known for starring in Shakespeare’s The Winter’s Tale, the (married) Mary caught the eye of George in 1779 and he straight up offered to pay her twenty thousand pounds to become his mistress. She said yes, and the two were publicly a couple for two years, until George decided he was done with her in 1881. And did George actually pay the twenty thousand pounds? Nope. That fucking asshole totally gypped her and left her with nothing. Eventually, Mary pointed out that she had a bunch of seedy, sexy, and potentially publicly embarrassing love letters that George had sent her over the course of their relationship; and the crown reluctantly agreed to pay for the return of those. Some sources say she got five thousand pounds for the letters, while others note that she was supposed to get an annuity which the crown, again, rarely actually paid. Mary, already a poet, would score her biggest hit after her relationship with George, nicknamed “the English Sappo,” and would go one to be a popular celebrity who was painted by a lot of the famous English painters of the era. Alas, a bout of sickness would leave her partially paralyzed and she wound up dying in poverty at the age of 42. Damn.

17. Hortense Mancini

Nip slip, circa 1675. It happens.

Oh what could have been. Hortense Mancini was one of five daughters to an Italian aristocrat. All five daughters were supposedly knock-out beauties, and their uncle Cardinal Mazarin (the Chief Minister of France) cleverly pimped the beautiful girls out to important European aristocrats to raise the family’s power and influence. For Hortense, she received a marriage offer from thirsty-ass Charles II of England. You’d think that would be a definite “YES,” right? Well, this was the era of Cromwell and Charles II was living in exile at the time. People were skeptical as to Charles’s claim and if he would ever get his throne back. So Cardinal Mazarin rejected the offer. Guess what happened a few months later? Yep, Charles CLAIMED THE THRONE. The Dipshit Cardinal desperately tried to backtrack, but it was too late. Hortense eventually married the richest man in Europe--but he was an old, miserly, jealous dick; while she was a beautiful, young, popular rising socialite. She fled her husban, and various powerful dudes including King Louis XIV, were lining up to be her “protector.” After jumping around a few places, she wound up in the protection of Charles II, her once suitor. She was known for dressing as a man, and I guess that was Charles’s thing because she became his #1 gal. Which doesn’t simply mean that she had sex with the king a lot. Remember the whole “Maîtresse-en-titre” thing? Yeah, she had a position that included a £4,000 pension (and presumably, missionary). Apparently she was pretty promiscuous, supposedly also hooking up with Anne Lennard (the illegitimate daughter of Barbara Villiers, ANOTHER one of Charles’ many mistresses) in a hot, lesbian relationship, as well as the Prince of Monaco. This earned her the less-than-affectionate nickname of “The Italian Whore.” She eventually lost her role as Charles’s #1 mistress, although she’d remain at court with her power greatly reduced. After Charles’s death, she’s stick around for the reigns of James II and even William and Mary, with continually reduced pensions. She lived though, and her descendants include Albert II of Monaco (really, all the monarchs of Monaco).

16. Maria, Countess Walewska

You know how in a James Bond movie, Bond will have to sleep with some Russian spy and he says something jokingly like, “the things I do for Britain.”  He’s kidding, obviously. Because he wants that sex. Well, Maria Walewska wasn’t joking and it was a lot less funny. At 16, she was married to the 70-ish year old Count Walweska. Obviously that dude didn’t last forever, but her being married didn’t stop an asshole known as “Napoleon Bonaparte” from looking her up and being like, “Hey gurl.” She resisted the Frenchman, but he wouldn’t take no for an answer. She said no and no again, until eventually she got him to make some commitments to allow for Poland’s independence as he was busy conquering all of Europe. Once those commitments were made, she relented and became his mistress in return for, oh, SAVING THE INDEPENDENCE OF HER ENTIRE COUNTRY. At the time, Napoleon had been married to his wife Josephine for some time and she had yet to have a child.  Napoleon quickly got Maria pregnant, and therefore decided (as men are wont) that everything was Josephine’s fault because his seed was still good.  In the end, this got Napoleon to divorce his wife and arrange a political marriage to Marie Louise of Austria. Marie Louise would give Napoleon an heir, and as soon Napoleon became committed to her, he discarding his mistress Maria. Which was probably okay with her, as she was able to get a divorce from her old husband and marry a new guy. Alas, that didn’t last long as she died at the young age of 31. She was a damn Polish hero though!

15. Odette de Champdivers

This 17-year-old (yeah, things were different back then, but this is hardly the worst) became the chief mistress of French King Charles VI.  Have you heard of Charles VI? Yeah, there were so many Charleses in France that it’s hard to keep them straight. But Charles VI is memorable because he reigned for a large 42 years of the 100 Years War with England and he’s also known as “Charles the Mad.” Oh, his peeps tried to nickname him Charles “the Beloved,” but that’s not what he’s really known by. Because when you think of people who claim to be Saint George, kill their own soldiers in fits of rage, refuse to bathe or change their clothes for five months, or believe that they are made out of glass… you usually don’t call those people “Beloved.” But this isn’t about Charles, it’s about Odette. She became Charles’s mistress and soon became known as the “Little Queen” for various reasons that range from her powerful influence at court to the fact that Charles was so batshit crazy he didn’t know the difference between his actual wife and his Mistress. Some sources say Odette was regularly beaten in place of the Queen in Charles’s fits of rage and Charles honestly didn’t know the difference. Which really sucks for her. Fortunately, he did eventually die (his last words were calling out her name) and the new King, Charles VII (remember him from the Agnès Sorel story?), was cool enough with his dad’s mistress that instead of banishing her, he assigned her to spy on Duke Philip III. Her cool spy skills even helped Charles VII maneuver his forces to avoid an attack on them that was being planned. She eventually vanished from the history books, probably dying in poverty somewhere. Oh well! It was fun while it lasted, Odette.

14. Alice Perrers

Alice was apparently 15-years-old when she caught the attention of King Edward III (eww), who was in his 50’s at the time (eww-er). Don’t worry about some nasty old man deflowering her though, as by the time she caught Ed’s attention she had already been married to some other old dude at age 12 (eww-est!). This was the 1300’s, just to make that clear. Alice became a lady in waiting for Edward III’s betrothed, Philippa of Hainault (throughout history, being a lady in waiting for the Queen has almost always been basically a “mistress internship”). Alice quickly rose high in power as the favored mistress of the king, and was criticized for telling parliament how to rule. An obviously biased account describes her as, “a shameless, impudent harlot, and of low birth, […] not attractive or beautiful.” Yikes, sounds like someone was jealous! She’d have three sons with Edward, a relationship that was supposedly a secret from the Queen Philippa.  The age difference of course meant that Ed III wouldn’t last forever, and after his death, Alice found herself unprotected and charged with being a woman who practices “maintenance,” e.g. I have no clue but it probably means a woman not knowing her role and being all uppity. In return, all her possessions were seized and she was banished from England. Well, that sucks.

13. Wallis Simpson

Wallis Simpson. One you’ve probably heard of. I mean she was a character on “The Crown,” right? Born in relative obscurity in Maryland. Twice divorced. Is it really fair to call her a “mistress?” Well, Edward, Prince of Wales (the future King Edward VIII) wasn’t married. So it’s not like he was cheating on any wife or anything. She was married though, so this is a new 20th Century type of mistress! #feminism? Anyway, the term “mistress” is still applicable no matter what because she was a kept, secret woman to the crown prince. She wasn’t Edward’s first either. In fact, Edward was having a secret relationship with the married Thelma, Viscountess Furness, who introduced Wallis to Edward. When Thelma went away on a trip, Wallis snuck right in there and took that spot over. Thelma was an American too, as was another of Edward’s mistresses, Freda Dudley Ward (Edward obviously had an “American” thing). By the time their affair started, Wallis wasn’t quite “twice divorced” yet because she was still married to Mr. Simpson. Nobody was happy about the Wallis thing, except for Edward. She was American. She was a divorcee. She was deemed by tightwad-ass British society as totally unacceptable for the future king of England. When his dad George V died, he became king and the whole thing came to a boiling point.  In what SHOULD be an amazing, romantic story told for the ages about the power of true love (you know, if he wasn’t a Nazi), Edward VIII abdicated the throne in order to marry Wallis. So… happy ending? Maybe. She never got to be “Queen,” but it’s a happier ending than Anne Boleyn had when she went from mistress to King’s wife to a head shorter.

12. Nell Gwyn

Basically this is a Jailbait Pretty Woman.

A good rags-to-riches tale always makes people happy, right? So motivational! Someone comes from the bottom and rises to the top. Cinderella. Aladdin. My Fair Lady. Well, the story of Nell Gwyn is one of those inspirational stories! Except, well, with child prostitution. Sorry. But you gotta do what you gotta do. Accurate stories about Nell are hard to come by, as she became a romantic figure in her time with many legends about her.  The typical version of the story is that she was a poor, 15-year-old Welsh girl who was found selling oranges on the street. But she worked for a “bawdy house” run by a madam, so oranges weren’t the only thing she was selling. One of her fellow hooker friends got a license to sell oranges nearby a theater, where the privately-dressed jailbait orange-selling girl caught the eyes of many high-ups in the theater world. She became an actress and received the attention (and likely the wallets and STDs) of several English noblemen. Eventually, she got a pimp who hooked her up with the ultimate john – King “I have too many mistresses” Charles II. The pimp was actually the cousin of Charles II’s current #1 mistress, Barbara Villiers (see below), and Nell Gwyn quickly replaced Barbara. Which is a super, super, SUPER weird story. But then again this whole ranking is off-putting.  Everything worked out relatively okay for Nell (I mean, other than dying in her 30’s… but that was par for the course back in the day), as she had all her debts annulled and was given a “ho pension” after Charles II died.  As noted, she would capture the imagination of the English public and there have been countless mythologized stories, legends, plays, and books about her life. 

11. Lillie Langtry

Mistress. Author. Actress. Capitalist.

Emilie “Lillie” le Breton (supposedly a descendant of Richard le Breton, one of the assassins of Saint Thomas Becket) moved from the isle of Jersey to London and as a 20-year-old married a (rich) 30-year old widower, Edward Langtry. After that, she made her way around the circles of “cool, rich people” and paintings of her as “Jersey Lilly” distributed on postcards made her super popular. One admirer was the future King Edward VII, who arranged for her to sit next to him at a dinner while her husband was right fucking there across from them. Edward was so infatuated with her that he introduced her to Queen Victoria. We can assume Victoria was like, “Ed you stupid piece of shit, I do not need to meet your trap hos. We are not amused!” Oh, and he was already married and stuff too. What married man introduces his mistress to his mom… his mom, the QUEEN? The affair lasted for three years until she got pregnant. The father was probably some other dude, not Edward, but who knows? They might need to do some Ancestry DNA on that. She became friends with Oscar Wilde, became an actress and huge stage star. She’d go on to have affairs with others, and would eventually marry another man 19 years younger than her, move to Monaco, and write a tell-all book about her life and all the important dudes she banged that made her even more mad cash, yo. Good for you, and way to pretty much invent the salacious tell-all book!

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Well, that rounds out mistresses #20 to #11. Tune in next time to see what a TOP 10 royal mistress looks like! In the meantime, feel free to create your own royal mistress trading cards to ease the pain of not knowing who I will include on the ranking.