Ed Ranks WTF Job Titles

Pictured: people who likely have dumb job titles.

When I worked in the Pentagon, I ran into someone’s who’s title was something like “Director of Space Law,” which is an awesome title that sounds fake. But when you think about it… yeah… space law is a real thing. Like what are the international laws that govern how countries use space? Given all the technology and satellites up there, including many which have military functions – it makes perfect since that we’d need some DIRECTOR OF SPACE LAW in the Pentagon. Awesome /slash/ crazy title. But what are some other WTF job titles out there? 

Some are attempts to be “witty” and attract candidates in the digital age. Some are intentiona double entendres. Some are fairly dubious if the title is real or not.  Let’s go! 

10. Any Cringe Try-Hard Bullshit That Contains Words like “Magician, Guru, Wizard, Rockstar,” etc. 

These are all pretty sad and obvious attempts for a horrible place to work to try and make a position sound fun, modern and cool. If you see this in a job opening, you should run. 

9. Digital Overlord

Just like the above, some tech companies attempt to use this title quasi-humorously for those in charge of websites, digital marketing, or technologies. But what it really hits me with is a feeling of sadness for some loser tech nerd who wants to feel like they’re cool or important. It’s like you’re overcompensating for the fact that you can’t talk to girls. 

8. Life Coach 

I mean if you think about it, this is a very stupid job title, right? Do you tell people to breath and drink water? 

7. Beverage Dissemination Officer

This is the “sanitation engineer” version of “Bartender.” 

6. Director of First Impressions

Stupid companies literally have tried to make this the name of “receptionist.” No. 

5. Brand Evangelist

If someone was really a Brand Evangelist, he or she would be going out and trying to forcibly convert Pepsi drinkers to Coke drinkers through violence, like Spanish missionaries side-by-side with Hernan Cortez slaughtering any Aztecs that did not convert. I don’t think the people who call themselves “Brand Evangelists” really live up to the name with their normal boring marketing tactics. Grow a set and try murder if you want to really be effective. Otherwise you're just a Marketer. 

4. Chick Sexer 

Allegedly this is a farming / poultry industry job where the person checks the gender of newly-hatched chicks. You know. Like chickens and roosters. Though I’m not 100% sure it’s a real job. I mean they have to do things other than just look at fowl private parts, right? Maybe clean up eggshells and stuff, I dunno. 

3. Head Receiver 

Point: I know this is the name of someone who is in charge of warehouses and receiving inbound inventory at said warehouses. Counterpoint: Hehehehehehehehe! HEAD RECEIVER!

2. Penetration Tester

A penetration test is an authorized simulated attack performed on a computer system to evaluate its security. While the job title above is certainly probably not the industry standard title for what is essentially a professional “white hat hacker” position, the job has apparently been advertised by tech companies with that title. Why? Because the people already staffing those companies are goofy fucking millennials and Gen X’ers with dirty minds just like you and me.

1. Conflict Archaeologist

Apparently a real thing. I’m not sure what exactly they do, but I bet it’s not as cool as I’m thinking it is. And just to be clear, I am thinking Indiana Jones.