Ed Ranks 10 Better Candidates for President than Donald Trump

I don't try to do too much "politics" stuff here, because it's stupid and annoying. But hey! What about that debate thing, huh? And please note - these aren't the only 10 better candidates for President than Donald Trump. There are many more. About 7.4 billion more. But enjoy this sprinkling of selections as a sort of canapé.

Yeah, what does the Department of Energy do anyway?
I mean, other than secure all nuclear materials.

10. Rick Perry - In the 2012 election cycle, Rick Perry wanted to get rid of three federal agencies, but couldn't remember which ones they were. That's pretty bad, but at least he wore glasses in the 2016 election cycle and looked smarter. Despite the fact that his strategy for cutting government spending is "Oops, I forgot," he would unquestionably be a better President than Donald Trump.

9. John Kasich - The governor of Ohio was generally viewed as one of the "moderate" or "establishment" candidates running for the Republican nomination in 2016. If the Republicans had selected him as their nominee, he would have been better than Donald Trump. But then again, if you held some sort of Hunger Games-type lottery selection process where you randomly drew a name out of a hat - that person would likely also have been a better candidate. Even if the names in the hat were only those of prisoners in Arkham Asylum.

The bigoted ghost President was Franklin Pierce all along!

8. The Ghost of Franklin Pierce - It's clear Donald Trump has never read the Constitution and has absolutely no understanding of it - so why should I bother to look into those boring details of Article II, Section 1, Clause 5 (as well as the relevant text in Article I, Section 3, Clause 7; and the Twelfth, Fourteenth and Twenty-second Amendments) to determine what the eligibility requirements of being the POTUS are either? I'm pretty sure, again - without actually bothering to read anything - that there is no text that says that a ghost can't be the President. The founding fathers likely didn't foresee such a development, so it got left out. Just like how they didn't ban AR-15s because that wasn't a thing in 1789 when they were agreeing to the Constitution. Franklin Pierce was a terrible President. He saw the abolitionist movement as a threat to the Union, fought to preserve slavery, and violently enforced the Fugitive Slave Act. He is frequently cited as one of the worst Presidents in history, and his actions led directly to the Civil War. He would probably be an even worse President now as a haunting specter from beyond the grave, returned from the fiery pits of hell. But he would still be better than Donald Trump.

7. A Crusted-Up Booger on the Underside of a Desk - And while I'm disregarding whatever clauses define the eligibility of our President, I might as well go ahead and suggest inanimate objects as well. Remember back in school when you'd be sitting at a desk, and your hand would brush the underside of it and you'd run into a disgusting crusted up booger that some filthy kid left there a few days ago after picking their nose? Gross, right? Now I'm not saying that a crusted-up booger is an ideal candidate. Far from it! In fact, it's an awful Presidential candidate. But if you asked me whether it would do a better job than Donald Trump as Commander-in-Chief of the United States Armed Forces, I would unequivocally respond, "yes."

6. A Man Who Has Been in a Coma for 30 Years - Okay, let's say I was lying and I do actually know the eligibility requirements of the President, because I have a Political Science degree. I am very aware that the President has to be over 35 years old, a natural-born citizen who has resided in the US for at least 14 years, who has not been previously elected twice, has not been barred from holding federal office via impeachment procedures launched by the Senate, and is not someone who had previously swore an oath to support the Constitution and afterwards rebelled against the United States. I could see a circumstance (admittedly unlikely) where a 5 year old American boy who fell into a coma for 30 years (and would thus now be 35 years old) would be nominated by his party for the Presidency. He would make a better President than Donald Trump. Notice I did not say that he had to wake up from that coma. He could still be in it and would be a more effective leader of the free world. It is highly unlikely that a 35 year old man who has been in a coma for the last 30 years would say something super sexist to a female head of state during an important diplomatic meeting. But I can guarantee that would happen every single time Donald Trump meets a female head of state, assuming the American people collectively lose their minds and vote for him.

5. Jeeves, From the Defunct Website AskJeeves.com - Just because AskJeeves.com no longer exists and has been rolled into the more mundane ask.com doesn't mean that we can't nominate Jeeves, a search engine presented in the form of a fictional butler, to be Republican Party's next nominee for the President of the United States. As technology continues to move forward, we're going to have to ask ourselves the hard questions about artificial intelligence and whether or not it counts as sentient life. Even if the AI is just a basic, stupid 1990s-era search engine. Want to know something else basic and stupid? Donald Trump. And don't worry about the whole "British" thing. Jeeves is only supposed to be a British butler, but is based on search engine algorithms and codes written in Berkeley, California. That makes Jeeves as American as apple pie, baseball, pickup trucks, planting the flag on the moon, and slightly half of the country seriously thinking about electing an opportunist sociopath authoritarian narcissist who doesn't actually share any of their values.
  

4. O.J. Simpson - O.J. Simpson is over 35, was a natural-born citizen, has resided in the U.S. for well over 14 years, has not previously been elected President twice (or any times for that matter), has not engaged in insurrection against the United States, and has never been impeached from a federal office. On the flip side, he has murdered two people. Even with that deep character flaw, I am absolutely sure that he would do a better job of fulfilling his legislative obligations under the Presentment Clause of the Constitution than Donald Trump would. Orenthal James "The Juice" Simpson would surely have more common sense to judge which bills from Congress should be signed, vetoed, or pocked vetoed from 10 days of inaction during a Congressional recess. But then again, so would a brain-dead walrus (which barely missed out on this ranking by coming in at #11).

Pictured: Someone who has not proposed a database to track all Muslims.

3. Pretty Much Any Firefighter - If you just grabbed any firefighter off the street (usually look around Fire Departments, you'll have better luck), put him or her in a suit, and ran that person for President of the United States - you could pretty much guarantee yourself a more qualified and suitable candidate than Donald Trump with a deeper understanding of (at the very least) politics, international relations, and use of military force. And as a bonus, if the White House ever catches on fire again like it did in 1814, the President would easily have the knowledge and experience to extinguish the flames. It wouldn't matter if it was a Class A fire (solids such as woods, plastics, etc.), Class B fire (flammable liquids), Class C fire (flammable gas), or so on. I'm not trying to make this ranking about fire safety, so I believe I've given enough examples to suitably argue my point without going into more details about metal, electrical, and oil/fat fires; nor do I feel it is necessary to explain what types of extinguishers (e.g. water, foam, dry powder) are best suited for which of these various fires. However, you should look into these matters further yourself if you are interested and worried about fire safety. Better safe than sorry.

2. A Flaming Bag of Feces Left on Your Doorstep - If there was no Article II, Section 1, Clause 5 of the Constitution then we'd easily be able to nominate a brown lunch bag filled with a substantial heaping of dog or human feces that was left your doorstep and set aflame. This flaming bag of feces on your doorstep would almost certainly show more jurisprudence when making selections for ambassadors, cabinet members, and federal judges than Donald Trump would.

Baaaaa! Mexicans are rapists. Baaaaaa!

1. A Racist Goat - Since this goat is a horrible racist, at first you might think it would be just as bad of a choice to be President of the United States as Donald Trump would be. But note that I only stated that this goat was racist. I did not state that this goat was also misogynist. This goat has healthy emotional feelings about women, and has not said any antiquated things about their role in 21st Century society. Equally I did not say that the goat was a habitual liar, nor that it encouraged its supporters to beat up people at rallies who hold opposing views. This goat also does not promote frequently disproven conspiracy theories, nor did it celebrate how its goat building in New York became the tallest goat building after 9/11. This goat has strongly supported the American military and thus has never implied that POW's aren't heroes because they were captured, nor questioned the loyalty of the parents of soldiers who died fighting for America. The goat hasn't set up any scam universities, now the subject of class action lawsuits, to bilk people out of millions of dollars. This goat has never publicly stated any support for torture or a policy supportive of first use of a nuclear weapon, which would violate international treaties that the United States has ascended to, as well as violate basic human (and goat) dignity and morality. This goat, being generally sensible on a number of matters despite his deeply ingrained racism, has never publicly stated that it would be a good idea to kill the innocent family members of terrorists and criminals as a form of revenge. Once this goat saw a bully mocking a disabled reporter, and was really offended by it and asked the bully to stop. And even though this goat is truly racist, it was never in a position in the goat real estate industry which allowed it to systemically refuse to rent apartments to black goat tenants. This goat doesn't necessarily like Chinese goats, but hasn't gone as far as accusing Chinese goats of inventing global warming as a hoax to get a competitive advantage in goat industry - because that doesn't make any sense. Look, this list could literally go on with about 500 more examples as I continue to list a number of other stupid things that this goat hasn't done, but by now I think you've pretty much gotten the point that a racist goat would probably be a better President than Donald Trump, despite being a hooved Bovidae with a general tendency to forward chain emails that use the N-word, much like that one uncle you have. And just for the record, this goat has also not repeatedly talked about wanting to have sex with his own goat daughter.