Ed Ranks the Carmen Sandiego Game Show V.I.L.E. Henchmen

All of them. Except for RoboCrook, for some reason. No real loss. 

Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego? was a 1991-1996 game show on PBS. It was also a video game series before and after that, but I'm not talking about that. I'm only talking about the henchmen from this specific game show. This doesn't count Where in Time Is Carmen Sandiego? henchmen either.

I will exclude Carmen Sandiego herself because she's awesome and would just come in as #1 anyway. We all know that. I'm only talking about the V.I.L.E. agents that worked for her.

10. Kneemoi - the WORST.  I suppose this was supposed to be a takeoff of "Nimoy" as in Leonard Nimoy. I don't think I quite got that as a kid (because it was a space alien that looked like a Skip-It) What I did get was how lame Kneemoi was. I might as well just change the channel if it's a Kneemoi episode.

9. RoboCrook - Like Robocop but a crook instead of a cop. Get it? He even had the black mask around his eyes like the Hamburglar.  And there was something seriously wrong with this guy's face where his lock-jawed mouth leaned to one side. Who has a mouth on just one side of their face?  If you're going to turn someone into a cyborg after some crippling accident you should probably fix their face too.

8. Eartha Brute - Marge Simpson on steroids and wearing Bret "the Hitman" Hart's pink wrestling singlet.  But proof that by 'Henchmen" I really mean "Henchpeople." Women can be criminals too! Hashtag Feminism!

7. Wonder Rat - What the hell happened in this poor guy's life so that he decided to dress up as a rat and become an evil henchperson for an elite club that goes around stealing national monuments (how exactly does one steal the Eiffel Tower and haul it around the world anyway without getting caught? When you're in Port Moresby - wouldn't someone notice you're carrying around a giant tower?).  He also carries around cheese to complete the effect. Okay.

6. Vic the Slick - A used car salesman with a terrible polyester suit and an open collar with his shirt buttoned down too many notches, exposing chest hair. That and the John Waters pedophile mustache. Yikes. I don't see this guy being a master criminal that can blend in. One look at him and I think he should be arrested for something.

5. Patty Larceny - Supposed to be a ditsy, blonde schoolgirl who deceived people by appearing to be giggling and innocent. I'm  assuming she would probably be made into some freaky Japanese lolita in a gritty Carmen Sandiego game show reboot (with Academy Award-winning Viola Davis as new Chief, we can only hope).

4. The Contessa  - A "stylish," Italian woman who wears the fanciest pant-suits from Milan.  Isn't she sort of a take off of Baroness from G.I. Joe?  Just mixed up with Princess Diana a little bit.

3. Top Grunge - A stinky biker with flies that always surround him. Like Pigpen when he grows up and joins the Hells Angels. I really liked this guy. I have no idea why. I think being so stinky that flies surround you is simply a HILARIOUS concept for kids.

2. Sarah Nade - Mr. and Mrs. Nade (Sarah's parents) were probably super disappointed when she came home with rainbow-dyed, short hair and all those nose rings and stuff.  Oh, I'm sure they tried to convince themselves that she was just being "punk rock."  But in their hearts they knew that she was a lesbian. And 1991 was a different time than now. Mr. and Mrs. Nade probably weren't as accepting. Hopefully they've grown and matured over the years, as the rest of the world has, and have accepted their daughter for being herself.

1. Double Trouble - I LOVED Double Trouble as a kid. I wanted every episode to be a Double Trouble episode. Two for the price of one! In hindsight they are sort of strange though. Visually, they seem like a mix between Spy vs. Spy and Vanilla Ice. How are they twins with different and opposite skin tone? Yeah, yeah. I know it's possible.  But why is their skin tone gray? That sounds like a serious medical condition. And why do they sound like Jack Nicholson? None of this makes any sense.