Ed Ranks Halloween Candy

I did a Halloween-related ranking last year. It only seems sensible to do one again, no?

Look like antacids? They are.

40. Necco Wafers - Have you ever had Necco Wafers? Spoiler alert: they are Tums. Necco Wafers are pieces of chalk that passed as "candy" during a time when US Presidents all had long beards.

39. Razor blades - Terrible gift. Still better to put in your mouth than disgusting Necco Wafers.

38. Licorice - Are you trying to poison people?

37. Religious Propaganda - Oh goodie! A little pamphlet telling me that I'm going to hell for Trick-or-Treating! Thanks for the passive-aggressive gift, asshole! You know, I don't have a problem with you not celebrating Halloween. That's your right, for whatever reason. I don't even have a problem with you believing that I'm going to burn in hell. Feel free to believe that - this is America and it's also your right.  But simply turn off your porch lights and don't answer the door like everyone else who doesn't celebrate Halloween. Don't purposefully TRICK kids into coming up to your door to trap them with your shitty booklet and preaching. That's just one step removed from being the person who tricks kids into getting into their white van.

Sorry if you thought I was talking about weed.

36. Mary Jane - I have NEVER actually seen this hard block of peanut butter-like substance (nobody is sure what it actually is) outside of Halloween candy bags. Where does one even buy this crap? I'm not sure I've seen it in a store. Do you have to get it at Home Depot? Because it could easily be used as a small brick.

35. Bag of Pennies - Cheap ass.

34. Apple - "Candy" does not come from the produce section. Nobody wants "nature's candy," you dirty hippie.

If you like this you have poor taste.

33. Candy Corn - Candy Corn is disgusting. There, I said it.  This also includes that pumpkin-shaped thing that is made out of the same crap that Candy Corn is made from.

32. Toostie Roll - Toostie Rolls are also disgusting. Is this supposed to be "chocolate?" This is not what chocolate tastes like. This is what the plastic container that molasses comes in tastes like, were you to eat the plastic container. And why would you?

31. Toothbrush - I know your heart is in the right place and you're trying to do some sort of Yin and Yang "balance" thing, but seriously if you give kids this... fuck you.

30. Little Box of Sunmaid Raisins - It's like saying "please skip my house next year."

Now in Progestin-only flavor!

29. Candy Buttons - These look too suspiciously like birth control pills for it to be a coincidence. 

28. Plastic Spider Ring - I guess you could technically eat this. It would likely taste exactly like the Tootsie Roll.

27. Inappropriate Seasonal Candy - Gumdrops? Those are for Christmas, idiots. The same goes for Candy Canes and other types of Peppermint. I've seen Candy Hearts in Halloween bags before too. February was eight months ago - and you're giving kids leftover chalk hearts from eight months ago? It's a good thing chalk doesn't go bad. And don't get me started on Halloween Peeps! Yes, Peeps does sell their shitty gross marshmallows at Halloween time with "seasonal" shapes like pumpkins and ghosts rather than chicks and bunnies. But you already have your holiday, Peeps. It's Easter. Don't try to claim another holiday. Be happy with the one you already have, lest we take that from you.

26. Pez - Dafuq? This is a small breath mint. Not candy.

25. Generic Hard Candy - Like those candies that come in the strawberry wrapper and I guess sort of taste like strawberries. Are strawberries even associated with the autumn? I'm too lazy to look up when they actually produce fruit.  Even worse than the strawberry ones are the ones that are just generic and yellowish-brown. I'm not sure what the flavor is supposed to be. Caramel?

24. Bubblegum: Parents should just confiscate this and throw it away as soon as a kid comes home with the bag. You just know this will wind up in someone's hair soon.

23. Squirrel Nut Zippers - 1890 called and they want their candy back.

The quarter looks more appetizing.

22. Any Type of Taffy - Gross.

21. Movie Theater Bullshit - Mike and Ike, Junior Mints, Lemonheads, Hot Tamales, Sour Patch, Warheads, Good & Plenty, Airheads, SweeTarts, etc.  This is not Halloween Candy. This is movie theater candy. Are you trick or treating at the AMC?   And yes, I know some other candy on this list (both above and below) could ALSO be considered Movie Theater candy. But these are the ones that are all so boring that they don't even get to be mentioned on their own.

20. Powdered Sour Sugar Sticks - Pixy Stix is the most famous brand, but there are a bunch of these. I was really never that much into the whole "Oh wow, ultra sour but also sweet!" stuff. Just tastes like chemicals to me.

19. Wax Lips (including vampire lips) - Fun to play with for a a few minutes but you can't really eat it. Where is the fun in that?

Candy that has Psoriasis

18. Jelly Beans - You can't even really tell what flavors these things are. Buttered Popcorn? No thanks. Ronald Reagan loved these things. He also had crippling dementia, so there's that.

17. Gummy Bears / Worms - These are just meh.

16. Jawbreaker - Candy that looks exactly like rubber balls? This surely won't lead to thousands of choking incidents.

15. Lollie Pops -  On their own a little boring. But what about Charms? You know, the ones with the bubble gum in the middle. And how about the ones that taste like root beer? So good! Also, Tootsie Pops are far less disgusting than Tootsie Rolls.

14. Ring Pop - Like above, but in the shape of a ring. I guess that's cool or something... huh?

But hey! The Wint-O-Green ones spark in the dark!

13. Life Savers - This is sort of just like a lolly pop without the stick, right?  The gummy ones were better.

12. Jolly Ranchers - The alternative title for Brokeback Mountain.

11. Skittles - You always wish they were M&M's instead.

10. Swedish Fish - Unique enough so that they have a very recognizable flavor different than the other "gummy" stuff.

9. Nerds - Little sour rocks that destroy your teeth. Yay?

8. Whoppers / Maltesers - I group a bunch of chocolate-based candies below but separate this one out. Why? Whoppers may be chocolate-covered, but chocolate isn't really Whoppers' "thing." Its thing is malted milk... which is also delicious.

7. Twizzlers - Only the red type. Not the disgusting licorice. Remember, licorice is just barely better than razor blades.

6. Generic Halloween-Themed Stuff - e.g. candies shaped like witches, bats, ghosts, pumpkins, etc. Candy blood counts here too. These these are almost never a name brand... just generic crap. The companies that make these also make generic crap for the rest of the year too. But come Halloween... somehow it just tastes better when it's in a foil wrapper designed like a bloody eyeball.

Yes, these.

5. Sour Jelly Pumpkins - These are great and not to be confused with the gross ones that are made from the same shit as candy corn.

4. Now & Later - These were a form of currency back in school. And no, it's not Taffy. Take that insult back now before I fight you!

3. Starburst - Delicious.

2. Caramel Squares or Bullseyes - Caramel? HELL YEAH! Even better? The ones with the cream filling.

The king of Halloween Candy. And the king every other day too.

1. Chocolate - This includes name brand chocolate bars (e.g. Snickers, Hershey's, Kit Kats) and other chocolates that aren't quite "bars" (e.g. M&M's, Reece's Pieces and Peanut Butter Cups). Chocolate is the best and if the house gives you name-brand chocolate then they've done Halloween right.