Ed Ranks the Continents

You'd think people would know what the Continents are, but there are actually a couple of different definitions that include as few as four and as many as seven continents. Is Eurasia just one continent? Since Africa is joined to the Middle East at the Sinai Peninsula - does that mean Eurasia-Africa is all one super continent? Are North and South America one continent because they're connected at Panama? "No," is my answer to these questions. I will go with the seven continents that I learned in school. Because.

Oh, and another thing - I'm ranking continents simply by aspects related to their geography. Does the continent have an interesting shape? Are there diverse geographic features? Etc.  I'm not ranking people on the continent, this has nothing to do with the human beings that live there. Just so we're clear on that.

Look, a filthy pink brain with a brainstem hanging from it.

7. Antarctica  - This continent is stupid and just made of snow and rocks. You can't even live there without dying unless you're a penguin. And are you a penguin? Of course not, because penguins can't read.  And Antarctica doesn't even have a monopoly on Penguins since Australia and South America also has those. This continent is so lame that it's just thrown at the bottom of the map and stretched out to a shape that looks nothing like Antarctica actually looks. What does it actually look like then? One of those brains sitting in a vat of liquid from a bad sci-fi movie, that's what. 

6. Australia - Too small. How do you have a continent that is also a country? I know some people also say "Oceania" is part of this continent because it's part of the "continental shelf," but I'm not ranking continental shelfs. They've got jungle and dessert but everyone else does too. Beyond that what do they have? Ayers Rock?  If that thing were on any other continent it would only be the 20th most interesting rock.  And I know I said I wouldn't rank anything based on people, but it's also the lowest inhabited continent. I'll justify including that reasoning in this ranking as the low population being based on limited geographic benefits to have life even habitat most areas of this place. 

5. Europe - Europe looks super ugly. I mean it's just an unappealing looking shape. Italy looks like a boot, Spain sticks out too, and those Nordic countries look like some crazy two-headed penis. Yeah, it does. Its mountains aren't the highest mountains, it's forests aren't the thickest forests, it's plains aren't the largest plains, etc.  Europe is just totally average. The only good thing about it is coast. It has a higher ratio of coast to landmass than any other continent. 

Ye Olde Northe Americae Mappe. 

4. North America - Nice variety of stuff going on here. It's generally green and flat to the east, mountainous in the west, and icy up top. It's also got a lot of cool looking features like the Hudson Bay, Great Lakes, Gulf of Mexico, Alaska, and so on. But like Europe it doesn't really have the biggest or best of anything. North America is like getting the sampler platter at a restaurant to get a bit of a taste for everything. 

3. South America - It's so green and jungle-ey on a map from space, but that's changing soon from all the destruction of the forests. Sad. It's got the biggest and most diverse rain forest (Amazon), the biggest river (Amazon) and the biggest waterfall (Angel Falls), and the longest mountain range (Andes) - so it's got those things going for it. It's also Africa's twin and the two fit together like puzzle pieces. Which is so aborbs!

2. Asia - Asia is the biggest continent, but a picture of it as a stand-alone continent is sort of odd-looking because that whole Eurasia thing. Let's be honest here, Europe and Asia are totally just one continent and I'm not sure why we arbitrarily cut it in half.  But again, that's what I learned in school so that's how I'm doing it (e.g. just cut Russia right in half because FUCK THEM). Asia is pretty awesome. Because of how huge it is (30% of all landmass on Earth) there is a lot of diversity. The Middle East is part of Asia, the Indian Subcontinent, Southeast Asia, Korean Peninsula, etc.  It's got deserts (Gobi, Arabian), plains, rain forests (Southeast Asia is almost nothing but!), and mountains (the Himalayas between Nepal and China several of the highest mountains in the world - including the highest, Everest). 

See? Even NASA thinks it's the coolest. 

1. Africa - The other half to the continental drift jigsaw puzzle, Africa is really cool looking. First off, it's huge. Much bigger than you think. Not as big as Asia, although most maps distort Africa to look smaller than it is. Is that part of a racist conspiracy? Not really, as that distortion was actually helpful for navigation purposes back in the day and it's tough to find any sort of way to take a 3D spherical object and lay it on a 2D rectangle and to not distort everything. At least Africa didn't totally get screwed on those maps like Antarctica. It's the only continent to stretch from the northern temperate to southern temperate climates and so it's got everything from tropical to subarctic temperatures (and massive biological diversity because of that geographic diversity). The Sahara Desert is the largest desert on Earth, because I don't count cold weather wastelands like Antarctica as deserts, no matter what some people try to say. But basically, Africa just looks really cool, right? I what other continent is worn as a pendant or puts on T-shirts? True, there are other socio-political-historical reasons that this is done, but honestly nobody would have started doing this unless the continent didn't already look cool. And those famous NASA money shots looking back on Earth usually always include Africa in them. Now if I was ranking the continents by including human factors such as GDP, democracy, life expectancy, quality of life, and people not dying of Ebola... then yeah, obviously this place would be a shithole at the bottom.