Get ready for controversy!
10. Hole
I believe everything I needed to say about Courtney Love has already been said.
9. Temple of the Dog
A super group that is half Soundgarden and half Pearl Jam could have been the most amazing thing. And it was. But just for one song. How many Temple of the Dog songs do you know other than "Hunger Strike?" None, that's how many. And even though that's a great song think about how simple it is. It's pretty much just twelve lines repeated a few times. Which barely makes it more complicated than a Kiss song.
8. Toadies
People keep trying to find reasons to claim that Toadies wasn't "grunge." Mainly, they focus on the fact that the Toadies were from "the South" (Texas, specifically) and therefore couldn't be grunge because they weren't part of "the scene" (Seattle and the surrounding area). Most of these grunge deniers will admit that Toadies "sound like grunge" or is "grungy" alternative rock. Hey, you know what "grungy" alternative rock is called? Grunge. Everyone should have a copy of "Possum Kingdom" downloaded to their music playing device of their choice.
7. Mudhoney
Look, there would be no grunge without the "Superfuzz Bigmuff" album. Mudhoney is the father of grunge. Every other band here is derivative of Mudhoney. They deserve to be ranked this high for no other reason than that. But you can't honestly tell me that "Touch Me I'm Sick" or any other song by them was bigger or better than the songs from these other bands that you have actually heard. Being played on college radio stations can only get you so far.
6. Smashing Pumpkins
I didn't really like Smashing Pumpkins in the 90's, but then again I was also a kid and an idiot. "1979," "Bullet with Butterfly Wings," "Tonight, Tonight," "Disarm," "Today," and so many other songs will be played on radio from now until the end of time. Let's not discuss their association with that awful Batman movie though. We can pretend that never happened. Look, every band needs that low point or else the VH1 Behind the Music special about them won't be interesting. Is that still a thing? Does VH1 even still exist or did it vanish like 8 years ago after its 40th Flavor Flav dating spinoff show?
5. Pearl Jam
These guys kept the strobe light industry in business for the entire 90's with their music videos. Who knows how many epileptic seizures Pearl Jam caused? Probably not as many as Pokémon, but I digress. A little foaming at the mouth and uncontrolled jerking is totally worth it for the "Ten" album. This is one of the greatest albums of all time. Most band's greatest hits albums can't even compare to "Ten." But just think how forgettable (and unfortunate) Pearl Jam could have been if they kept their original name - Mookie Blaylock. Although, I guess if they had gone that way and had been successful anyway then my complete set of 1990-1991 NBA Hoops trading cards would have doubled in value (from like $8 to $16). Assuming it hasn't been eaten by silverfish in my dad's attic. No other album after "Ten" was quite as good though and hearing their cover of "Last Kiss" come on is a guaranteed way to get me to change the radio station.
4. Soundgarden
Soundgarden is fantastic. Like Mudhoney, they were seminal in the creation and sound of grunge. Unlike Mudhoney they were actually good enough to push the genre over the edge to become mainstream music that everyone knew about and enjoyed (sorry hipsters, "mainstream" here isn't actually an insult). "Badmotorfinger" and "Superunknown" are almost up there with Pearl Jam's "Ten." Almost. Soundgarden has been more consistently good across multiple albums than Pearl Jam though, and for that reason they rank higher. Oh, and also because Chris Cornell has, like, the greatest damn voice ever.
3. Alice in Chains
Here we are, the top three. You'll likely notice an emerging pattern as we go on. R.I.P. Layne Staley. Just think about how many great songs were on "Dirt," "Jar of Flies" and the eponymous "Alice in Chains." They inlclude "Would?", "Rooster", "Them Bones", "Angry Chair", "Down in a Hole", "No Excuses", "I Stay Away", "Don't Follow," "Grind", "Again", "Over Now", and "Heaven Beside You." Did any of these songs not chart? And AiC's "Unplugged" is the greatest of all Unplugged albums. No matter what mood I'm in, when an Alice in Chains song pops up on the shuffle on my iPhone my mood immediately changes... to depressed. Sometimes I just listen to "Down in a Hole" twelve times in a row and cry while rocking back and forth, riddled with self-doubt and thinking about the meaningless of life. Fun!
2. Nirvana
WHAT?! NIRVANA IS #2. HOW DARE I? Yes, here it is people. I'm saying it. Nirvana isn't the best grunge band. It's not. I'm sorry. Start up your own blog where you rank things if you disagree. Look, I don't need to explain to you Nirvana's discography or go on at length about how they changed music forever. Everybody knows this. "The Beatles of their generation," yada yada yada. R.I.P. Kurt Cobain and all. Yes, Nirvana was fantastic. "Nevermind" was fantastic.
1. Stone Temple Pilots
So what is my pattern here? Lead singers who died? (R.I.P. Scott Weiland). Well sort of, but really what I'm trying to get at is heroin. Lots and lots of heroin. I'm not going to say heroin is a good thing, but it did make some great music. STP is a fine example of that. Whenever Weiland was clean you got horrible, upbeat bullshit like all that stuff from "Tiny Music... Songs from the Vatican Gift Shop."
You know what you get when he's full of heroin? "Sex Type Thing", "Plush", "Creep", "Wicked Garden", "Big Empty", "Interstate Love Song", and "Vasoline." It's just kind of a tragic side effect of heroin creating great music that the lead singer happens to, you know, also die. Doing heroin makes people angsty, filthy, trapped, apathetic, and full of social alienation. Which is pretty much the definition of grunge music. It goes without saying that the greatest grunge bangs are also the most heroiney ones. So how am I saying that STP is better than Nirvana? Okay, well let's first start off with just how briefly Nirvana actually lasted. The brightest stars burn out faster? Sure, okay. It's a miracle Weiland lasted as long as he did. But Nirvana essentially had three good years, and that was it. STP kicked ass for much longer. Don't hate on me for saying this--but Scott Weiland is simply a better singer. I honestly can't understand half the shit that Kurt was mumbling. Oh, he was saying "All in all is all we are?" How was I supposed to know? For all I know it was just some random groaning while having a seizure (after watching a Pearl Jam video, I assume). The KissThisGuy webpage for Nirvana must be second in length only to Bob Dylan's mumbly ass. Look, STP was simply the best. I can't even think of a better band than STP. Maybe other than Guns N' Roses. Geez, wouldn't it have been awesome if STP and Guns N' Roses could have combined or something? Oh wait, THAT HAPPENED. And then it ended because (of course) heroin.
10. Hole
I believe everything I needed to say about Courtney Love has already been said.
9. Temple of the Dog
 |
| Embarrassing 1991 Yearbook Photo |
8. Toadies
People keep trying to find reasons to claim that Toadies wasn't "grunge." Mainly, they focus on the fact that the Toadies were from "the South" (Texas, specifically) and therefore couldn't be grunge because they weren't part of "the scene" (Seattle and the surrounding area). Most of these grunge deniers will admit that Toadies "sound like grunge" or is "grungy" alternative rock. Hey, you know what "grungy" alternative rock is called? Grunge. Everyone should have a copy of "Possum Kingdom" downloaded to their music playing device of their choice.
7. Mudhoney
Look, there would be no grunge without the "Superfuzz Bigmuff" album. Mudhoney is the father of grunge. Every other band here is derivative of Mudhoney. They deserve to be ranked this high for no other reason than that. But you can't honestly tell me that "Touch Me I'm Sick" or any other song by them was bigger or better than the songs from these other bands that you have actually heard. Being played on college radio stations can only get you so far.
6. Smashing Pumpkins
I didn't really like Smashing Pumpkins in the 90's, but then again I was also a kid and an idiot. "1979," "Bullet with Butterfly Wings," "Tonight, Tonight," "Disarm," "Today," and so many other songs will be played on radio from now until the end of time. Let's not discuss their association with that awful Batman movie though. We can pretend that never happened. Look, every band needs that low point or else the VH1 Behind the Music special about them won't be interesting. Is that still a thing? Does VH1 even still exist or did it vanish like 8 years ago after its 40th Flavor Flav dating spinoff show?
5. Pearl Jam
 |
| The most 90's picture ever. Almost. |
4. Soundgarden
Soundgarden is fantastic. Like Mudhoney, they were seminal in the creation and sound of grunge. Unlike Mudhoney they were actually good enough to push the genre over the edge to become mainstream music that everyone knew about and enjoyed (sorry hipsters, "mainstream" here isn't actually an insult). "Badmotorfinger" and "Superunknown" are almost up there with Pearl Jam's "Ten." Almost. Soundgarden has been more consistently good across multiple albums than Pearl Jam though, and for that reason they rank higher. Oh, and also because Chris Cornell has, like, the greatest damn voice ever.
3. Alice in Chains
.jpg/220px-Alice_in_Chains_(album).jpg) |
| Ugh, even the album cover is depressing. Poor doggy. |
2. Nirvana
WHAT?! NIRVANA IS #2. HOW DARE I? Yes, here it is people. I'm saying it. Nirvana isn't the best grunge band. It's not. I'm sorry. Start up your own blog where you rank things if you disagree. Look, I don't need to explain to you Nirvana's discography or go on at length about how they changed music forever. Everybody knows this. "The Beatles of their generation," yada yada yada. R.I.P. Kurt Cobain and all. Yes, Nirvana was fantastic. "Nevermind" was fantastic.
1. Stone Temple Pilots
 |
| Someone cooking up a #1 rock chart hit. |
You know what you get when he's full of heroin? "Sex Type Thing", "Plush", "Creep", "Wicked Garden", "Big Empty", "Interstate Love Song", and "Vasoline." It's just kind of a tragic side effect of heroin creating great music that the lead singer happens to, you know, also die. Doing heroin makes people angsty, filthy, trapped, apathetic, and full of social alienation. Which is pretty much the definition of grunge music. It goes without saying that the greatest grunge bangs are also the most heroiney ones. So how am I saying that STP is better than Nirvana? Okay, well let's first start off with just how briefly Nirvana actually lasted. The brightest stars burn out faster? Sure, okay. It's a miracle Weiland lasted as long as he did. But Nirvana essentially had three good years, and that was it. STP kicked ass for much longer. Don't hate on me for saying this--but Scott Weiland is simply a better singer. I honestly can't understand half the shit that Kurt was mumbling. Oh, he was saying "All in all is all we are?" How was I supposed to know? For all I know it was just some random groaning while having a seizure (after watching a Pearl Jam video, I assume). The KissThisGuy webpage for Nirvana must be second in length only to Bob Dylan's mumbly ass. Look, STP was simply the best. I can't even think of a better band than STP. Maybe other than Guns N' Roses. Geez, wouldn't it have been awesome if STP and Guns N' Roses could have combined or something? Oh wait, THAT HAPPENED. And then it ended because (of course) heroin.
No comments:
Post a Comment