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| Hey look, X-Men! |
Some rules here:
- By "X-Men" I'm referring generally to mutants who appear in the comics with such branding. They could be the "good guys" who are part of Xavier's team... or not.
- Am I listing every single X-Man mutant that has appeared since 1963? Obviously not. Nobody cares that there was a 1995 clone of Magneto called Joseph... or that there was a mutant prostitute called Stacy X because comic writers are sophisticated and forward-thinking with depictions of females (just ask Frank Miller).
- Another group of people I'm not going to include? Mutants with vaguely-defined powers, especially when they seem to be completely overpowered and just repeating the powers of other heroes. Take Selene. Her power appears to be some unclear life force-draining, telekinetic, telepathic "magic." Why Magic? One of the major points of X-Men is that they tried to use science to explore themes of post-human evolution. Can't they think of a power better than "magic?" Then there's Minster Sinister who is a telekenetic, telepathic (Jean Grey), shape-shifting (Mystique), regenerating (Wolverine) mutant. I hate it when writers just borrow a bunch of superpowers from other Mutants (especially telekinesis and telepathy) and give them to others. It's lazy and not worth ranking. Sad! Scarlet Witch is probably the most famous character with ill-defined powers. She's almost worth ranking but I'm still not going to. Her power seems to be "hexing people," which is just lazy, ill-defined magic again. Don't get me started on freakin' Legion... someone with multiple personalities who has different superpowers based on which personality is in control. Ugh.
Power: Super obesity.
Analysis: Is this technically how they describe his power in the comics? Not exactly. But that's all this character essentially has. Ultra-fatness that protects his body. As a mutant ability. Okay.
24. Toad
Powers: Leaping around, weird tongue stuff.
Analysis: Lame, but better than just being fat. Hypothetically you could also list "superior cunnilingus" as an alternative power which he probably has. I'm sure there must be an XXX-Men porno out there somewhere that explores this further.
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| He's also naked. |
Powers: Superhuman strength, speed, stamina, reflexes, etc.
Analysis: Superhuman strength? Sort of a lazy superpower. A side effect of these powers is becoming a blue yeti? Even worse! The only way this character could get more pathetic is if you cast him as Frasier.
22. Banshee
Powers: Superhuman throat.
Analysis: Screaming really loud as a power? I'm pretty sure that Marvel stole that from DC's Black Canary. Having a superhuman throat isn't even really a super power. If that's a superpower then circa 1991 Mariah Carey is a superhuman. As is circa 2005 Ashley Blue. You have to Google that last one if you're not a depraved pervert.
21. Jubilee
Powers: Creates sparkles.
Analysis: I like Jubilee. She had the second best yellow jacket that came out of the 80's (April O'Neil obviously had the best). That doesn't mean her power isn't pathetic. I guess there could be one or two circumstances where you'd need to create some distracting sparkles to win a fight. Although, Jubilee could easily be replaced by any standard police flash-bang grenade.
20. Quicksilver
Powers: Runs fast.
Analysis: Congratulations, you can run fast just like the Flash has been able to do since 1940. Really original.
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| This meme was required. Sorry. |
Powers: Superhuman strength, force fields, impeccable style in headgear.
Analysis: As discussed with Beast, "superhuman strength" is a super lazy and boring power. But at least Juggernaut doesn't turn into a blue wolf-man with his powers. Juggernaut is also better because his force fields and that amazing dome head.
18. Kitty Pride
Powers: Phasing through solid matter
Analysis: Is phasing sort of the same thing as teleporting? Eh, I guess it sort of is. In that sense I could rank her as just a sub-category of the teleporters (see later below). Still, I suppose it's different enough to get a mention, even if somewhat down the ranks.
17. Gambit
Powers: Charges inanimate objects with kinetic energy.
Analysis: Okay, this one is kind of mediocre but also kind of cool. It's sort of like a "Midas touch" but turning things into BOOM instead of gold. And what do we mean by things? Playing cards, generally. It doesn't have to be playing cards, and yet he still chooses for it to be playing cards. I guess it's somewhat practical. I guess he could throw around Vitamix Blenders and they could blow up too, but those are a lot heavier and less aerodynamic than playing cards. Do you think the size of the object he throws matters? Like if he flips a bus does that blow up a lot bigger than a playing card? I'd assume. That should be a Tsar bomba-sized explosion.
16.Cyclops
Powers: Laser eyes that go "pew pew."
Analysis: Laser eyes are somewhat cool. It's not amazing or anything, but it's cool. It would be a cooler power if Cyclops could regularly control it rather than continually accidentally burn down everything around him. Honestly, if all the X-Men had powers like Cyclops, then I'd be on the government's side with that whole "let's round them up and get rid of them since they're a nuisance" philosophy.
15. Angel
Powers: Flying
Analysis: Let's not mock Angel just because flying is the only thing he does while other people can do a ton of super cool things... but also fly. Flying is amazing. Flying is awesome. I would love to be able to fly. Not in an airplane. I meant to just go around and fly like a bird. It would be crazy fun. Don't deny it.
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| Basically a Kamehameha-shooting Doctor Who. |
Powers: Energy absorption and release, time travel.
Analysis: Okay, Bishop isn't the only character to be able to absorb and then shoot out energy. A lot of characters have this power. That's because comic artists really like to draw characters shooting out blasts of pew pew energy, and this is usually the way that they explain how that works with mutants (other than eyes going pew pew just because). Bishop also isn't even the first character to have this power. That probably goes to Cyclops's brother, Havok. But I'm going to give this power and the ranking to Bishop because Bishop is 1990's cool as hell and Havok is lame. Bishop can also time travel. Can Havok time travel? No, he cannot. Pew pew + time travel = winning!
Lazy Bishop repeats not worth ranking: Havoc, Sebastian Shaw.
13. Darwin
Powers: Reactive evolution (ability to instantly adapt different powers to suit situation).
Analysis: I think Darwin is a super lame character and he's pretty new (debuting in 2006) so I didn't really grow up with him. But despite this lameness, you gotta admit if you're ranking by powers this is a pretty nifty power. It ALMOST fits into the lazy ill-defined power category because it is sort of a lazy catch-all power. Does Darwin need to swim somewhere? Boom! Suddenly he has gills. Is Darwin trapped in a black dungeon? Boom! Darwin can now see in the dark. But at least it's an interesting enough twist on the theme. Don't think about the power too hard though or you'll realize it sort of doesn't make any sense and that Darwin should really be the most powerful character ever. In the X-Men: First Class movie shouldn't he be able to just adapt to resist Sebastian Shaw's energy blast? If he's aging shouldn't he just adapt to have his cells never die so he can live forever? If he has his head cut off shouldn't he just adapt to grow a new one?
12. Iceman
Powers: Creates freezing temperatures/ice, can transform body to near-impenetrable ice.
Analysis: Okay, I'm going to rank Iceman here because there are a whole bunch of different characters who have this power where their body becomes super strong/impenetrable due to one factor or another. For Iceman it's ice. For Colossus it's metal. For Emma Frost it's crystallization. It's all pretty much the same, but Iceman came first in the debut of X-Men while the others were added later in the 70's and 80's. In addition to this main defensive power all of these types of characters also have secondary powers. Iceman's is the coolest because he can shoot out ice. This is undeniably sweet. Colossus can't shoot Ice, and Emma Frost's additional power is just that lazy telepathy bullshit they give to every other character who they can't think of anything original for.
Lazy Iceman repeats not worth ranking: As mentioned, Colossus and Emma Frost.
11. Nightcrawler
Powers: Teleportation, night vision, wall crawling, limited invisibility.
Analysis: Flying is great, but teleportation saves even more time. Depending on how exactly it works. I assume via some sort of wormhole or something? If so, that's fine with me. If it's something where he creates a copy of himself, transforms it into an electronic copy, sends that copy to another place at the speed of light, and then reconstitutes the copy on the other end... then I have a problem. Because technically wouldn't that be like copying yourself, killing your original self, and creating a clone of you elsewhere? It seems to me like that's what Star Trek teleportation is, and I morally object to that. It's obviously copying yourself because how else could we have wound up with two Rikers? But I'll give Nightcrawler the benefit of the doubt that this is something to do with his mutant powers warping space-time rather than some murder/clone thing. Nightcrawler also has some extra powers added on like the ability to see in the dark, the ability to crawl up and down walls like Spider-Man, and some limited powers of invisibility in the shadows and stuff. Put all together - Nightcrawler has a solid arsenal of useful powers in his hands.
Lazy Nightcrawler repeat not worth ranking: Blink.
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| Repeat picture. |
Powers: Weather manipulation, flying.
Analysis: How cool is it to control the weather? Pretty cool, obviously. Or else why would Sean Connery have tried to do it in Avengers movie (no, the other Avengers movie). This is another one of those powers where, if the writers actually used it, most X-Men stories would just end very quickly because Storm could just destroy some opponent's shit with a tornado or something. But I guess Storm just frequently forgets to do this. Silly storm. To make up for that fact, they also giver her the ability to fly. Because why not?
9. Deadpool
Powers: Healing factor, sarcasm, near immortality, breaking the 4th wall.
Analysis: By the definition I'm using, Deadpool is absolutely an "X-Men" character and the contractual cinematic rights over Marvel Comics characters agree with me. Deadpool has some pretty great powers - but they're not exactly exciting or new or original. They're just copycats of Wolverine' (like many others). I'll mention those others below as subsets of Wolverine, but Deadpool is allowed to stand out on his own. Because reasons, that's why.
8. Jean Grey (normally)
Powers: Telekinesis, telepathy.
Analysis: Telekinesis is the ability to do things to inanimate objects with your mind - like bend spoons or throw entire buildings at people. Nice. Telepathy is the ability to read and potentially influence other people's minds. Even nicer. Jean Grey would be an amazing super hero if Dr. X didn't already have these exact same powers but be better at using them. Usually Dr. X is much more powerful than Jean. But then again, every once and a while "X-Men" turns into the Doom video game and Jean Grey types in both "IDKFA" to get fully equipped and "IDDQD" for Degreelessness mode. Then it gets real.
Lazy Jean Grey repeats not worth ranking: Actually, Jean herself is a bit of an Xavier repeat, and I'll get to that below.
7. Mystique
Powers: Shape-shifting, healing, slowed aging.
Analysis: The shape-shifting is a cool gimmick. It definitely comes in handy. Pretend that you're someone else and look just like them. Awesome. But if that was the only thing Mystique had going for her blue self then she'd be ranked a lot lower. Mystique also has some Wolverine-eque abilities to heal and live a long lifespan without aging. When you combined those things together you have a mutant with some very desirable powers.
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| He looks... upset. |
Powers: Generates and controls magnetic fields (able to manipulate metal, fly, create force fields, electrical bolts, and electromagnetic radiation).
Analysis: Controlling metal things is cool, because a lot of things are made of metal. But if your super power was only that you could bend paper clips you'd be lame. They go further with Magneto to point out just how awesome it is to control magnetism. Although the scene in X2 shows him ripping the iron out of a guard's blood because it was "spiked" with more iron - couldn't he just rip the iron out of anyone's blood at any time and kill them without spiking the blood? I mean really. If you pulled the iron from someone's body then you'd be tearing apart red blood cells left and right and killing people no problem. We've also seen that Magneto's ability to control magnetic fields also allows him to fly. Which, as stated before, is completely fucking awesome. Flying is the best.
5. Rogue
Powers: Absorption of other Mutants' powers through skin-to-skin contact.
Analysis: When you think about it, the ability to just touch another mutant and get their powers is incredibly awesome. That means every single X-Men character I just mentioned... Rogue has the ability to have their powers too! Including the four left in this list... So shouldn't that make her the most powerful character and be #1 rated overall? Eh, not really... because she's got to touch people to steal their powers. And really, if these four X-Men below don't want to be touched by Rogue, they won't get touched by Rogue because they're damn badass. Or they could just wear whole-body condoms like that scene in The Naked Gun.
4. Professor X
Powers: Telepathy, astral projection, mind control, illusion casting, memory manipulation, psychic attacks, sensing other mutants.
Analysis: Charles Xavier is sort of crazy over-powered. If you think about most X-Men stories, they could essentially all be solved in like three minutes if Professor X just used the various powers he has. So the writers have to hold back Xavier's at various times by using plot devices like giving villains natural and/or artificial resistance to his mental powers... or have situations where Xavier refuses to use his powers. I would absolutely trade my ability to walk for the ability to just control other people's minds. Who wouldn't?
Lazy Professor X repeats not worth ranking: Pick any mid-level or obscure X-Men character at random and you have a 50/50 chance they gave them telepathy or telekinesis as a power. Even major/interesting characters like Jean Grey are sort of repeats (but as you saw, she's still worth ranking). Same thing for Jean Grey and Cyclops's kid, Cable. Emma Frost is sort of a repeat (just like she's also a repeat of Iceman in another way). Mastermind, who creates telepathic illusions, is a repeat. Psylocke is a repeat, although I kind of wanted to rank her separately because I've been a fan of Olivia Munn since G4's (RIP) Attack of the Show!, but that's beside the point. Anyway, the Xavier clone list could go on forever.
3. Wolverine
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| Awesomeness |
Powers: Healing factor, retractable claws, indestructible Adamantium bonded to his skeleton, slowed aging.
Analysis: "Healing factor" is sort of a fancy way of saying "completely invincible." Wolverine can be stabbed or shot or sliced in half or blown up and he'll just heal. James "Logan" Howlett (aka Wolverine, aka Weapon X) was born in the 19th century and is like 130 years old. He's invincible and lives forever. Sure it's cool to fly around or controls people's minds - but those powers are meaningless if you get shot in the head and die. Do you know what happens when Wolverine gets shot in the head? It hurts him for a little bit and then his head heals and he goes back to tearing the hell out of various people with invincible metal claws and trying to bang Jean Grey. Neat-o.
Lazy Wolverine repeats not worth ranking: Sabretooth, Lady Deathstrike, a thousand others. Whenever X-Men writers can't think of any new ideas they just create another plotline which is "Oh, hey look at this OTHER Weapon X program mutant and/or someone who can heal or has claws!"
2. Apocalypse
Powers: Immortality, total control over all the cells in his body, ability to interface body with technology, regeneration.
Analysis: The "total control over all the cells in his body" part makes him invincible. Plus, he's already ancient and immortal. You know all that full body regeneration stuff that Wolverine can do that makes him so awesome? Yeah, Apocalypse already had that ages ago. By the way, since I'm mentioning Apocalypse, I might as well just post this again for no particular reason because Oscar Isaac is the best:
1. Jean Grey (Phoenix)
Powers: Able to generate infinite energy, time travel, and manipulate matter at subatomic level.
Analysis: When in Phoenix form, Jean Grey is essentially God. Or more powerful than God. Jean Grey as Phoenix hypothetically has the power to end famine, stop children from getting cancer, and ensure that the people who pray to her more sincerely in advance of a football game are the ones who win (that's pretty much God's M.O., right?). If we're ranking people by how awesome their powers are - this one has to be #1, bar none. Phoenix makes Superman look like he's under-powered.
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| Jean is great! Except for twice a decade or so when she goes crazy and murders everyone she loves. |
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