 |
| The fruit hat that broke Carmen Miranda's neck. |
Regardless, for the sake of this ranking we're not going to worry about the botanical definition of fruit. We're going to talk about the culinary definition of fruit, wherein fruit are defined as sweet-tasting plant parts. Even with that culinary definition, we're going to limit our conversation to commonly available/known fruit in Western culture. Is the Borneo-native Artocarpus odoratissimus (also known as madang, terap, marang, johey oak, green pedalai, tarap, and timadang) a culinary fruit? Sure. But I'm not going to talk about it because I'd prefer to rank fruit that you've probably heard about.
40. Quince - I had a little quince shrub in my front yard growing up and do you know how many quince I ate? None.
39. Persimmon - I'm told these can be delicious and have a honey flavor. But they look like little dumb tomatoes and if you pick them at the wrong time they apparently taste like sucking on a wet teabag... so no thanks.
38. Gooseberry - What does this taste like? I'm not sure anybody knows. This is the type of berry people stopped eating around the time of Jack the Ripper. It has such a stupid name.
37. Kumquat - Is this like a bonsai orange or something? Or someone mated an orange with an olive? It's like some abomination created by a mad scientist.
36. Durian - Durian is not as bad or as stinky as some people hype it up to be. That being said, it's not good either. The texture is worse than the taste, but it can be okay if pureed up for a smoothie.
35. Jackfruit - Some people say jackfruit/breadfruit tastes like pulled pork. Those people are idiots, but it's not the best taste. Sometimes it seems like the flavor tastes a bit artificial. Like a fake banana flavored candy.
34. Pear - Ah yes... the pear! For people who like apples but feel like they want their apple to be disgustingly grainy like it was cross-bred with sand.
33. Starfruit - Every time I have one of these... it tastes like nothing. Like I didn't eat anything at all. It's like water but with a crunch.
32. Pomegranate - The flavor is great but who wants to deal with all those damn seeds? How in the hell did Hades trick Persephone by enticing her with pomegranates? Who is enticed by eating a fruit with 1000 little tooth-chipping rocks in it? The Pomegranate is pretty much useless unless it's juiced, which the Pom brand figured out.
31. Passion Fruit - It tastes okay, but when you cut it open it looks disgusting/rotten inside, even when it's fresh. It looks like a bunch of Jurassic mosquitoes trapped in amber. Which puts me off a little. I'm trying to eat here, not clone Velociraptors.
30. Kiwifruit - I think I'm slightly allergic to this because my tongue feels a little tingly after I have it. So it's not worth it, especially because the gross-ass, inedible fuzz on it. If you think it's edible then you're probably the type of person who can eat peach fuzz too. Which means you're disgusting.
29. Dragonfruit - Technically called the "pitaya," it's marginally better than the kiwifruit because it doesn't have that awful fuzzy skin and usually tastes slightly sweeter.
27/28. Lemon/Lime - I'll just put these two together and rank them next to one another. Whatever. You absolutely cannot eat these things on their own unless you seriously have some crazy taste buds. Way too sour and tart. That being said, they do serve some purposes when they're juiced or mixed with other stuff.
26. Cantaloupe - Not as good as honeydew at all. Most of the time I have one, it has no flavor. Every once and a while one will taste amazing, but that's few and far between.
25. Blackberry - It's like somebody took a delicious raspberry and said "how about we make it have even more little annoying seeds that get stuck in your teeth, and also make every other one so sour that you spit it out."
24. Date (Palm) - Very old school fruit from the wayback days. Is this edible any way other than dried out? I don't really think so.
23. Cranberry - You can't really eat these on their own like you can with blueberries because they are so tart. You gotta mix 'em up with sugar and make that Thanksgiving recipe. Which I actually like. Does any company other than Ocean Spray sell any cranberry products? How does a company get a monopoly over an entire species of fruit?
22. Plum - Plums are fairly unreliable in terms of sweetness or juiciness. Just when you think you get a good one it's tough and has no flavor. Or it's grainy.
21. Coconut - By itself it doesn't do much for me. I mean it's fine. Turn it into Malibu rum and then we're talking.
20. Longan / Lychee / Rambutan - I know these are technically different, but let's go ahead and put them all together. They're all pretty good, but you got to watch out for the pit.
19. Guava - Almost the same thing as a papaya, but not quite.
19. Papaya - Pretty good, but a papaya wishes it was a mango.
18. Grapefruit - Is it kind of sour? Sure. But I still like them as they are (some people pour sugar on them to make them sweeter... eww). Also, they're excellent in juice form.
17. Peach / Nectarine / Apricot - Of all of these, the nectarines are really the best because they don't have that disgusting fuzz. Peach flesh is delicious but I can't tolerate that teenage pubic hair that comes on the outside. Someone needs to remove the skin for me to eat it. That gross fuzz touching my throat causes an instant gag reflex.
16. Guanabana (Soursop) - I honestly don't know what these things taste like naturally since I've only had them as a Jumex drink. But the Jumex drink with its nine billion calories is really good.
15. Blueberry - Yeah, these are sort of good, right? Sure they are.
14. Apple - Apples are fine, but a little overrated honestly. Plus there is the whole "Eve damning all mankind" thing.
13. Blackcurrant - I don't know why blackcurrant (cassis) hasn't really made the mainstream jump to the United States to have the popularity it does in Europe. Blackcurrant jams, jellies and syrups are delicious. Sometimes people are just stupid, I guess.
12. Açaí - Best had in juice or smoothie form. Or covered in Brookside dark chocolate.
11. Fig - Figs are severely underrated. I assume most folks are like, "Oh, those things from the Newtons?" But they are incredible if you get a fresh, juicy one off a tree after it turns that right shade of brown.
10. Honeydew - When a honeydew is good and flavorful, it's so satisfying. But they also suffer from the same inconsistency issue as its lesser friend the cantaloupe.
9. Banana - So good they must have been intelligently designed. Or not.
8. Cherry - Delicious! Too bad about those pits though. I wonder how many people have chipped a tooth on damn cherry pits.
7. Strawberry - If strawberries were consistently good, they would be at the top. When you get a really good one... it's amazing! Alas, it's often impossible to tell. You have one that tastes amazingly sweet and then the next one is tasteless and woody. Damn. Strawberries make the best jams.
6. Grape - Especially when they're seedless, because I'm lazy. And how about that wine, huh? Grapes also make the best jellies, as opposed to jams.
5. Pineapple - Want to know how good pineapple is? Every time I eat it I get a slight, numbing, tickle sensation on my tongue. There is another word for that. It's called an "allergy." I'm allergic to pineapple and I still eat it.
4. Watermelon - If it's summer, it's time to eat watermelon. Did you hear the stereotype about what type of people like watermelon? It's ALL PEOPLE. If you don't like watermelon then you're not a human.
3. Orange - Here I'm referring to all the different types of oranges, including mandarins, tangerines, clementines, etc. Of them all, the mandarins are the best. You can just peel their skin off with your hand and eat sweet, citrusey deliciousness.
2. Raspberry - Delicious, and would almost be perfect if it wasn't for those little seeds that get stuck in teeth sometimes.
1. Mango - The best fruit there is when you get it really good. I had mangoes in Thailand and it was like manna from heaven.
 |
| This is a picture of a mango. Fun, right? |
No comments:
Post a Comment