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| Look, a tooth. |
- Baby teeth don't count, obviously. What kind of moron would waste everyone's time by ranking baby teeth?
- Some rankings are meaningless. Like existence.
31. Maxillary Left Lateral Incisor - I heard this tooth once call your mother a whore. This is a bad egg. And by egg, I mean tooth.
30. Mandibular Right Third Molar - The mandibular right third molar is famous for sharing Alt-Right memes on Facebook. To be avoided at all costs.
29. Mandibular Right Lateral Incisor - This tooth still calls all Asian people "Oriental," no matter how many times you correct it.
28. Maxillary Right Second Molar - This is the tooth that copied off your homework in class, even though you told it that you didn't know the answer to #7. But it copied your #7 exactly the same and the teacher obviously noticed that you both got #7 completely wrong in the exact same way, so the teacher knew one of you were copying the other one. So then you both got in trouble.
27. Mandibular Right Canine - Still won't stop incessantly talking about how Bernie Sanders would have won. Get over it already.
26. Maxillary Right First Molar - The PBR-drinking Hipster tooth. Ugh.
25. Mandibular Left Second Molar - When the mandibular left second molar gets to the bottom of an escalator, it just stands there thinking where to go next. Hey asshole, there are people behind you being pushed down the escalator with nowhere to go except run into you. Move your lame ass!
24. Maxillary Right Central Incisor - Frequently goes to the "12 Items or Less" lane at the grocery store with a full shopping cart. Which is a dick thing to do. But then again, the cashier never seems to enforce it and just lets it slide every time. So some of this is on the cashier. Look, I'm not saying you have to be a Nazi about it. If a tooth has 15 items in the 12 lane, no big deal. Everyone should let that slide. But this is a whole damn cart. If we don't enforce the rules then we don't really have rules at all and the entire Hobbesian social contract we have in place falls apart. Then we're a lawless society where right and wrong have no meaning.
23. Maxillary Left Second Molar - Just had a baby and will not stop handing people its phone to show off the baby pictures. I'm not saying that "nobody cares," maxillary left second molar. I mean the baby is cute and all. In the way that babies are sort of cute (but also sort of hideous). I'm just saying that nobody cares as much as you.
22. Maxillary Left First Molar - Litters.
21. Maxillary Left First Bicuspid - Now we're getting to teeth that are okay. I mean they're not the all time best but they're not jerks either. This tooth is always borrowing crap and never gives it back unless you ask, like, three times. At least it eventually gives it back though.
20. Mandibular Left Central Incisor - An okay tooth, but kind of annoying in the fact that it still thinks "rickrolling" is funny. It's not 2008 anymore.
19. Mandibular Left First Bicuspid - An old friend who keeps saying it owes you a beer, but always cancels meeting up with you because it's "so busy" masticating.
18. Mandibular Right First Molar - On the good side: this is a tooth that is smart, friendly, kind, and sharing. But it also talks about how Kanye is a genius and the greatest musician. No, he's really not. I'd personally rank him somewhere between Biz Markie and Damon Wimbley a.k.a. "Kool Rock-Ski," a.k.a. "the least talented of the three Fat Boys."
17. Maxillary Left Canine - Fun to hang out with, but once it starts talking about how it's time to do go to the next bar... you know it's time to call it a night and say you need to get home for something early tomorrow that you just remembered. Lush!
16. Mandibular Right Second Bicuspid - Like a cousin that you don't see too often. It's kind of just there.
15. Mandibular Left First Molar - Sort of a friend, but a little too artsy for your tastes. Should probably spend a little less time on Instagram.
14. Maxillary Right Second Bicuspid - You didn't like the maxillary right second bicuspid at first. In fact, you didn't like any of the bicuspids. When you had your primary teeth you didn't have bicuspids (aka premolars) and you said, "Hey, what the hell is this new tooth?" But you know what? It grew on you. Literally.
13. Maxillary Right Third Molar - The only bad thing you have to say about this tooth was its obsessive Pokemon Go obsession last summer, but it looks like that's been waning.
12. Mandibular Right First Bicuspid - Still sends Christmas cards to you and stuff. Kind of old fashioned, but it's the though that counts - right?
11. Mandibular Left Lateral Incisor - Overall a pretty cool tooth but don't trust it with any secrets. Such a gossiper!
10. Maxillary Left Third Molar - Hahaha, always posting those hilarious animal memes. Sometimes dogs act just like people!
9. Maxillary Right Canine - This tooth is savage and seems to hate everyone. Always talking shit. But you know what? You kind of think it's pretty much right. Whenever you go out with it, you have a professional roaster with you. Like some sort of Don Rickles tooth.
8. Maxillary Left Second Bicuspid - Will tell you when you're being a dick and help set you straight. You don't always appreciate the criticism at the time, but in hindsight it's always spot on and helps you grow as a person.
7. Mandibular Right Central Incisor - This one is such a practical joker. So good with the great self-deprecating humor.
6. Maxillary Right First Bicuspid - Gives you free rides and is never a passive-aggressive dick about it like some teeth that are always hinting about gas money.
5. Maxillary Left Central Incisor - Couldn't make the basketball game and just gave you its tickets for free without asking for anything. How sweet is that? What a bud!
4. Mandibular Right Second Molar - This is, like, the Oprah of Teeth.
3. Mandibular Left Second Bicuspid - Solid water cooler buddy who chats with you at work about the latest cable TV shows. You can catch up about stuff like Game of Thrones, and back in the day it really got you into Breaking Bad even though you didn't think you'd like it. Boy were you wrong and mandibular left second bicuspid was so right!
2. Mandibular Left Third Molar -MLTM, as it's known by short, is the kind of friend who will help you bury a body... no questions asked.
1. Maxillary Right Lateral Incisor - Always there for you, especially when the times are tough and you were going through that last thing. Yeah, you remember that last thing, right?
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