Am I counting Acting Secretaries of the Navy or Secretaries of the Navy during the Continental Congress? No! Of course not. Only a fool would do so.
These are your 76 Secretaries of the Navy, ranked by how cool their names sound.
76. Adolph E. Borie (25th) - Yikes. Now that's a name which really went out of favor.
75. William Jones (4th) - The most white bread name of all time.
74. Robert B. Anderson (52nd) - Went by "Bob."
73. James K. Paulding (11th) - I'm sure when his hair began to thin out, everyone called him "Balding."
72. W. Graham Claytor, Jr. (63rd) - Why are you hiding your first name, sir? We want to know what that W stands for.
71. Smith Thompson (6th) - Who has Smith as a first name? I mean really.
70. Richard W. Thompson (27th) - Pretty boring name.
69. Thomas W. Gilmer (15th) - Gilmer? Equally lame.
68. George E. Badger (12th) - We don't need no stinking badgers.
67. Charles S. Thomas (53rd) - Probably told Ike that he'd only retire if the next Secretary of the Navy was also named "Thomas."
66. Thomas S. Gates, Jr. (54th) - See above.
65. Nathan Goff, Jr. (28th) - Sounds like someone clearing their throat.
64. Hilary A. Herbert (33rd) - Ha, a girl's name.
63. Fred Korth (57th) - The people at Ellis Island misspelled "North" but his family just decided to go with it.
62. Henry L. Garrett III (68th) - Trying to ride Charles F. Adams III's coattails (see 21).
61. Edwin C. Denby (42nd) - Edwin? At least be an Edward if you're going to be an Ed.
60. John H. Chafee (60th) - The type of dude who would name his son "Lincoln."
59. Francis P. Matthews (50th) - Coincidence that he "died" right around the time 12× All-Star Eddie Mathews debuted for the Boston Braves? I think not.
58. John Y. Mason (16th) - Got into a fight with a guy named Dixon over their property and drew a line.
57. John Y. Mason (18th) - What? AGAIN?
56. John Branch (8th) - Father of Timothy Twig.
55. William E. Chandler (30th) - The guy from Friends?
54. George M. Robeson (26th) - A name that inspires no emotion whatsoever, positive or negative.
53. William H. Moody (35th) - Was actually quite well tempered.
52. Richard V. Spenser (76th) - Opened up those cheesy shops at the mall.
51. Paul Morton (36th) - Father of the girl on the salt can?
50. Josephus Daniels (41st) - Son of Jack?
49. Curtis D. Wilbur (43rd) - The full name of the pig from Charlotte's Web.
48. James V. Forrestal (48th) - Sounds like the name of someone who would jump half-naked out of a window at the National Naval Medical Center. But what do I know?
47. John Lehman (65th) - Only Secretary of the Navy to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy liquidation.
46. William B. Franke (55th) - Had to constantly tell people whether or not to pronounce the "e" at the end.
45. Gordon R. England (72nd) - MARCO!
44. Gordon R. England (73rd) - POLO!
43. Paul Hamilton (3rd) - Wishes the musical was named after him instead.
42. George Bancroft (17th) - Anne's great, great grandad?
41. Benjamin F. Tracy (32nd) - Father of Dick.
40. William A. Graham (20th) - Invented the crackers?
39. Sean O'Keefe (69th) - Wait, was there a time the Irish occupied the US?
38. Charles Edison (46th) - Didn't invent nothing.
37. Isaac Toucey (23rd) - I suppose the most famous "Toucey" ever.
36. Claude A. Swanson (45th) - Died in a tragic Navy accident in the Arctic. But when his starving crew ate his body - Frozen TV Dinners were born!
35. Benjamin Stoddert (1st) - All this name means to me is a Middle School near where I grew up.
34. James C. Dobbin (22nd) - A dobbin sounds like some sort of Lord of the Rings creature.
33. J. William Middendorf (62nd) - And let's go ahead and say this one sounds like someone from The Chronicles of Narnia.
32. Edward Hidalgo (64th) - His parents got their name from the terrible Viggo Mortensen film.
31. Abel P. Upshur (13th) - "Abel Upshur" sounds like something a Southerner would say. I'm not sure what it means. But it could definitely be mumbled out of a moonshine bootlegger's mouth.
30. Frank Knox (47th) - His pickup line to girls was, "Want to enroll in the school of hard Knox?"
29. Ray Mabus (75th) - If you say his name fast it sounds like some kind of prescription drug. Side effects of Raemabus© are upset stomach, drowsiness, changes in appetite or weight, dry mouth, difficulty having an orgasm, and cancer.
28. John Connally (56th) - Sounds like the kind of guy who should politely decline car rides with JFK.
27. Gideon Welles (24th) - I assume no relation to Orson.
26. Mahlon Dickerson (10th) - They just don't name kids "Mahlon" anymore, do they? Points for uniqueness.
25. John H. Dalton (70th) - Played Bond in the 80's, right?
24. William C. Whitney (31st) - And heeeeeeee will alwaaaaays loooove yooouououuou.
23. David Henshaw (14th) - All I can think of is Hank Henshaw and his melting face.
22. Dan A. Kimball (51st) - HE DIDN'T KILL HIS WIFE.
21. Charles F. Adams III (44th) - Ooooh, the Third? Well look a Mr. Fancypants with his Roman Numerals.
20. Richard Danzig (71st) - Loved it when he was in The Misfits.
19. Donald C. Winter (74th) - Probably shouts "Winter is Coming!" to his wife.
18. Samuel L. Southard (7th) - Not the coolest "Samuel L." I can think of. Still, okay name.
17. Levi Woodbury (9th) - Sounds like the bad guy in a 1950s drag racing movie.
16. William H. Hunt (29th) - About to be the name of a fictional 19th century English game hunter in a novel I write.
15. Victor H. Metcalf (38th) - This dude just SOUNDS like he belongs in the military.
14. Charles J. Bonaparte (37th) - Wait, was there a time the French occupied the US?
13. Paul R. Ignatius (59th) - Although technically it should be Paul is Ignatius.
12. John P. Kennedy (21st) - Okay, but JPK just doesn't have the same ring to it.
11. John Warner (61st) - Sounds like someone who would Marry Elizabeth Taylor and be a five-time Senator.
10. William L. Ball (67th) - Hahaha, "Ball."
9. Truman H. Newberry (39th) - Sounds like a mid 20th Century novelist who would occasionally pen essays for Esquire.
8. Paul H. Nitze (58th) - Our only nihilist Secretary of the Navy.
7. Jim Webb (66th) - Secretly roamed New York as Spider-Man at night.
6. George von Lengerke Meyer (40th) - Wait, was there a time the Germans occupied the US?
5. John L. Sullivan (49th) - Huh? is this the London Prize Ring bare
fist boxer John L. Sullivan? Because THAT would be an awesome Secretary
of the Navy. What country would mess with a Navy run by a bare fist
boxer?
4. John D. Long (34th) - 70's pornstar.
3. Robert Smith (2nd) - Sweet. I can't believe that the dude from The Cure was Secretary of the Navy.
2. Benjamin W. Crowninshield (5th) - Holy CRAP what an awesome name. I'm going to take a wild guess at what their family crest looks like.
1. William Preston (19th) - Esquire. And his partner, "Ted" Theodore Logan. Together they are... Wyld Stallyns!!!
These are your 76 Secretaries of the Navy, ranked by how cool their names sound.
76. Adolph E. Borie (25th) - Yikes. Now that's a name which really went out of favor.
75. William Jones (4th) - The most white bread name of all time.
74. Robert B. Anderson (52nd) - Went by "Bob."
73. James K. Paulding (11th) - I'm sure when his hair began to thin out, everyone called him "Balding."
72. W. Graham Claytor, Jr. (63rd) - Why are you hiding your first name, sir? We want to know what that W stands for.
71. Smith Thompson (6th) - Who has Smith as a first name? I mean really.
70. Richard W. Thompson (27th) - Pretty boring name.
69. Thomas W. Gilmer (15th) - Gilmer? Equally lame.
68. George E. Badger (12th) - We don't need no stinking badgers.
66. Thomas S. Gates, Jr. (54th) - See above.
65. Nathan Goff, Jr. (28th) - Sounds like someone clearing their throat.
64. Hilary A. Herbert (33rd) - Ha, a girl's name.
63. Fred Korth (57th) - The people at Ellis Island misspelled "North" but his family just decided to go with it.
62. Henry L. Garrett III (68th) - Trying to ride Charles F. Adams III's coattails (see 21).
61. Edwin C. Denby (42nd) - Edwin? At least be an Edward if you're going to be an Ed.
60. John H. Chafee (60th) - The type of dude who would name his son "Lincoln."
59. Francis P. Matthews (50th) - Coincidence that he "died" right around the time 12× All-Star Eddie Mathews debuted for the Boston Braves? I think not.
58. John Y. Mason (16th) - Got into a fight with a guy named Dixon over their property and drew a line.
57. John Y. Mason (18th) - What? AGAIN?
56. John Branch (8th) - Father of Timothy Twig.
55. William E. Chandler (30th) - The guy from Friends?
54. George M. Robeson (26th) - A name that inspires no emotion whatsoever, positive or negative.
53. William H. Moody (35th) - Was actually quite well tempered.
52. Richard V. Spenser (76th) - Opened up those cheesy shops at the mall.
51. Paul Morton (36th) - Father of the girl on the salt can?
50. Josephus Daniels (41st) - Son of Jack?
49. Curtis D. Wilbur (43rd) - The full name of the pig from Charlotte's Web.
48. James V. Forrestal (48th) - Sounds like the name of someone who would jump half-naked out of a window at the National Naval Medical Center. But what do I know?
47. John Lehman (65th) - Only Secretary of the Navy to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy liquidation.
46. William B. Franke (55th) - Had to constantly tell people whether or not to pronounce the "e" at the end.
45. Gordon R. England (72nd) - MARCO!
44. Gordon R. England (73rd) - POLO!
43. Paul Hamilton (3rd) - Wishes the musical was named after him instead.
42. George Bancroft (17th) - Anne's great, great grandad?
41. Benjamin F. Tracy (32nd) - Father of Dick.
40. William A. Graham (20th) - Invented the crackers?
39. Sean O'Keefe (69th) - Wait, was there a time the Irish occupied the US?
38. Charles Edison (46th) - Didn't invent nothing.
37. Isaac Toucey (23rd) - I suppose the most famous "Toucey" ever.
36. Claude A. Swanson (45th) - Died in a tragic Navy accident in the Arctic. But when his starving crew ate his body - Frozen TV Dinners were born!
35. Benjamin Stoddert (1st) - All this name means to me is a Middle School near where I grew up.
34. James C. Dobbin (22nd) - A dobbin sounds like some sort of Lord of the Rings creature.
33. J. William Middendorf (62nd) - And let's go ahead and say this one sounds like someone from The Chronicles of Narnia.
32. Edward Hidalgo (64th) - His parents got their name from the terrible Viggo Mortensen film.
31. Abel P. Upshur (13th) - "Abel Upshur" sounds like something a Southerner would say. I'm not sure what it means. But it could definitely be mumbled out of a moonshine bootlegger's mouth.
30. Frank Knox (47th) - His pickup line to girls was, "Want to enroll in the school of hard Knox?"
29. Ray Mabus (75th) - If you say his name fast it sounds like some kind of prescription drug. Side effects of Raemabus© are upset stomach, drowsiness, changes in appetite or weight, dry mouth, difficulty having an orgasm, and cancer.
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| Back, and to the left. |
27. Gideon Welles (24th) - I assume no relation to Orson.
26. Mahlon Dickerson (10th) - They just don't name kids "Mahlon" anymore, do they? Points for uniqueness.
25. John H. Dalton (70th) - Played Bond in the 80's, right?
24. William C. Whitney (31st) - And heeeeeeee will alwaaaaays loooove yooouououuou.
23. David Henshaw (14th) - All I can think of is Hank Henshaw and his melting face.
22. Dan A. Kimball (51st) - HE DIDN'T KILL HIS WIFE.
21. Charles F. Adams III (44th) - Ooooh, the Third? Well look a Mr. Fancypants with his Roman Numerals.
20. Richard Danzig (71st) - Loved it when he was in The Misfits.
19. Donald C. Winter (74th) - Probably shouts "Winter is Coming!" to his wife.
18. Samuel L. Southard (7th) - Not the coolest "Samuel L." I can think of. Still, okay name.
17. Levi Woodbury (9th) - Sounds like the bad guy in a 1950s drag racing movie.
16. William H. Hunt (29th) - About to be the name of a fictional 19th century English game hunter in a novel I write.
15. Victor H. Metcalf (38th) - This dude just SOUNDS like he belongs in the military.
14. Charles J. Bonaparte (37th) - Wait, was there a time the French occupied the US?
13. Paul R. Ignatius (59th) - Although technically it should be Paul is Ignatius.
12. John P. Kennedy (21st) - Okay, but JPK just doesn't have the same ring to it.
11. John Warner (61st) - Sounds like someone who would Marry Elizabeth Taylor and be a five-time Senator.
10. William L. Ball (67th) - Hahaha, "Ball."
9. Truman H. Newberry (39th) - Sounds like a mid 20th Century novelist who would occasionally pen essays for Esquire.
8. Paul H. Nitze (58th) - Our only nihilist Secretary of the Navy.
7. Jim Webb (66th) - Secretly roamed New York as Spider-Man at night.
6. George von Lengerke Meyer (40th) - Wait, was there a time the Germans occupied the US?
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| Not this guy. But let's pretend it is. |
4. John D. Long (34th) - 70's pornstar.
3. Robert Smith (2nd) - Sweet. I can't believe that the dude from The Cure was Secretary of the Navy.
2. Benjamin W. Crowninshield (5th) - Holy CRAP what an awesome name. I'm going to take a wild guess at what their family crest looks like.
1. William Preston (19th) - Esquire. And his partner, "Ted" Theodore Logan. Together they are... Wyld Stallyns!!!
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