Ed Ranks Things that there are None Of (According to Ozzy)

Ozzmosis is the seventh solo studio album by English heavy metal musician Ozzy Osbourne, released in October 1995. The second track on the album is “I Just Want You.” That song goes through an extensive list of things that there are none of. How about I rank those things?

There are no…

20. Uncriminal Crimes – Come on now, Ozzy. This one is just a lazy tautology.

19. Unachievable Goals – This one is simply not true. I know your parents tell you to believe in yourself and all your goals will come true. Well guess what? If you have a goal to be the President of the World, who is also a Space Captain and immortal… that is NOT going to happen. Your goals, sir or m’am, are indeed unachievable.

18. Invisible Seams – I suppose this is true, but who cares? The 12 human beings who went to go see Phantom Thread?

17. Impossible Dreams – I guess in the technical sense this is true, as you could dream about ANYTHING, so no dream would be "impossible." I think Ozzy is alluding to making those dreams come true though, which would make this statement A) False, and B) a repeat of #19 above.  That being said, on a technicality he doesn’t 100% clarify this point, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.

16. Unlockable Doors – I mean sure, I suppose. You could put a lock on anything, I guess. If that's your thing.

15. Unkillable Thrills – I'm not sure what this one even means. There is no such thing as a thrill which can’t be killed? I dunno, Ozzy. You’re married, so you should know better than that.  GET IT? BECAUSE IN MARRIAGE THE MAGIC GOES AWAY AND YOU BECOME DEAD INSIDE! [sorry honey, this is just a joke *shifty eyes*] 

14. Unrhymable Rhymes – Recursive again, but it’s more poetic this time. So points.

13. Unsingable Songs – True with the exception of “Tubthumping” by Chumbawumba, which is absolutely unsingable.

12. Indisputable Truths – Although there are “Alternative Facts.”

11. Legitimate Kings or Queens – Factual. The whole concept of “legitimacy” of monarchs is crazy. Who cares what your blood-right is? Who gave birth to you doesn’t make you have power. Power is power.

10. Unnameable Names – Like “Voldemort.” Supposedly you can’t say the name. But I just said it. So there.

9. Fountain of Youth – Well, we all obviously know this now. But somebody should have told Juan Ponce de León, because looking for this shit wasted a lot of his time and all we got out of it was a tourist attraction in St. Augustine.

8. Incurable Ills – Obviously, in the present tense this is not factual. There are plenty of things that have no cure. But I can see if we’re speaking generally how maybe one day we can find cures to all our ills. Pretty optimistic though, which is not a very metal thing.

7. Unsaveable Souls – Sure, everyone could be saved. But it’s probably not worth all that time and effort.

6. Unbeatable Odds – Optimistic again, but yes… by definition, if something even has odds then it’s not “unbeatable.” Just “unlikely.”

5. Unrightable Wrongs – Not sure I agree with this, but I appreciate the sentiment.

4. Unwinable Wars – Except when playing Stratego against my little brother. I could never win that shit.

3. Identical Twins – With the exception of Lindsey Lohan and British Parent Trap Lindsey Lohan. Those two looked JUST ALIKE.

2. Believable Gods – YES! This statement is METAL AS FUCK! It’s about time you start getting Metal, Ozzy.

1. Forgivable Sins – METAL AGAIN. SO METAL.