So, the rankings of the states continues after a brief intermission. We're in the middle here, so don't expect to be blown away by all of this average-ness. However, at least we've climbed out from the depths of states which are just miserable.
30. Wyoming
Wyoming comes in #1 in the nation for graduating kids from high school. It has the third least poverty and violent crime in the nation. It has the fifth highest well-being index and the sixth lowest healthcare. Wyoming should be great based on all of that, right? Nope, because it's still Wyoming. Here are a list of things to do in Wyoming:
29. Texas
It even surprises me that Texas made it this high. It would have been much lower if I had just ranked Texas according to my own biased thoughts and opinions (as I originally intended) rather than by looking at actual statistics. Depending on what ranking you look at - Texas is either the dead last at high school graduation, or at the very least near the last (with Mississippi, of course, being its competitor for worst-ness). Its obesity rates are terrible (everything is bigger in Texas, thanks to brisket and Tex-Mex). A 2016 report named Texas as one of the worst states to grow up in (a fact I'm sure is heavily tied to the poor education performance). And they have the Dallas Cowboys - which in itself means that I should have ranked it as last out of principle. But you know what? Texas is the third most racially integrated state in the nation, has extremely high self-assessments of of well-being, and it has high employment. And their flag isn't even Confederate - although it is stolen from Chile, whose flag came two decades before Texas. Get an original flag, Texas!
28. North Carolina
North Carolina has a bit of a North Dakota problem, in that I can't think of anything I'd actually want to do there. The Outer Banks? Eh. How is that different than the seashore anywhere else on the coasts? At least South of the Border is actually south of the Carolina border, because if that shit show was in North Carolina - the two states could easily flip positions. North Carolina BBQ is clearly the worst BBQ is the US, hands down. I'm not saying it's terrible - but it doesn't even come close to competing with Texas, Kansas City or Memphis. And I'm talking about both Lexington-style and East-style Carolina BBQ. Statistics-wise with a lot of the quality of life indicators, there is almost nothing to say about North Carolina. It ranks in the middle-to-low on nearly all the statistics. Also, Fuck Duke.
27. Florida
Florida will be the highest ranking state that still holds onto what is essentially just the Confederate flag. Oh, these liars will tell you that it's a tribute to the old "Cross of Burgundy" and has nothing to do with the Confederacy... but really? Aside from the obvious Florida problems (hurricanes, old people who can't drive, alligators eating babies, Mark Rubio) - Florida has a lot of nice things that attract people to it. Disney World. Cape Canaveral. All those hot Latin girls in Miami. So you've got to balance the good attractions with the bad stuff. Bad stuff like fifth highest rate of violent crime in the nation, shitty healthcare, high poverty rates, and middling high school graduation rates. There are also a lot of intangibles about Florida which make you just shake your head and go, "Yep... that sounds like Florida!" That special kind of crazy has led it to have its own well-deserved Fark tag.
26. Arizona
Gawker named Arizona as the worst state. But Gawker, which was (past tense intentional) based in New York City, also rated New York as the #1 state because they're shitty urban elitist liberal assholes who think they are the center of the universe. So is their opinion of Arizona accurate? No. There are a LOT of states far worse than Arizona, as you've seen. So does that make Arizona a good state? No. It's the second worst state for opportunities for young people, one in five homes in the state are vacant, its the sixth worst state for underprivileged children, and it has a high rate of crime. But the people of Arizona are generally happy and have a high sense of well-being, and the state ranks above average in a number of the statistical fields I've been looking at. Arizona is a middle-of-the-pack state, and could easily be elevated higher if Jan "Crypt Keeper" Brewer and Sheriff Joe were sent in a rocket ship to space (and the rocket ship malfunctioned and blew up).
25. New Jersey
A 2015 YouGov poll determined that most Americans think that New Jersey is the worst state. It's famous for being mobbed up, having the now-desolate Atlantic City, being filled with toxic waste, and (worst of all) having Jersey Shore people. Its reputation for spray-tanned guidos, pollution and concrete aside - Jersey is also terrible at women's equality (third worst in the nation), has crappy healthcare, and low senses of well-being among its residents. Probably because they're all subjected to awful Bruce Springsteen songs all day long. What is it good at? Higher education, low rates of poverty, and higher-than-average life expectancy. Who would have thought that people in New Jersey live longer? They must not count the people whose feet are put in concrete and dropped into their filthy bays. And what's with the not pumping your own gas thing? That's just stupid, New Jersey. This is 2016 and we're all grown adults. We can pump gas ourselves and don't need some guy to pop out and do it for us like it's the 1950s.
24. South Dakota
In May 2015, the fact that President Obama visited South Dakota made the news. Why? Did he do something important there? No. It was simply because it was the last of the 50 states that he visited. Why put off South Dakota for so long? Because there is absolutely nothing to do there except look at a rock with some Presidents' faces carved into it. And that in itself isn't even interesting enough for a President to do until six years in office. And that attraction is something specifically dedicated to Presidents. If you were only one of 44 people who held a particular job in the world and they made a giant monument to people who had that job - wouldn't you be somewhat interested in visiting it? Well, Obama wasn't. Because it's not really that interesting. The only good things South Dakota has going for it (and why it soars a ton spots above North Dakota) is the fact that it had great healthcare, low unemployment, high assessments of well-being, great high school graduation rates, and above average life expectancy.
23. Pennsylvania
In Pennsylvania you have Philly, you have Pittsburgh, and then the rest of the state which is just Pennsyltucky. Why are there so many confederate flags floating from houses in rural Pennsylvania? Civil War enthusiasts? They do know that Lee lost at Gettysburg, right? Pennsylvania isn't really that terrible at any of the quality of life factors I'm weighing... other than in women's equality, where it is surprisingly ranked way down at #47 of 50. But beyond that, they don't crack the bottom 10 in any category. Nor do they crack the top 10 at being good at anything either - with their best statistic being ranked #11 in the nation at healthcare. Pennsylvania is a solidly mediocre state right in the middle of almost all the ratings. And so it also sits here in just about the middle.
22. Illinois
Unlike Pennsylvania, which is in the middle because it's consistently average at everything - Illinois' numbers are all over the place. It's good at things like higher education, women's equality, and healthcare, but then also poor at things like crime, unemployment, racial integration, and getting opportunities for poorer people access to basic education. It has been ranked the second worst run state ("Chicago-style politics" being a term regularly used to describe corruption), it's one of the worst states to live in for taxes, near the bottom for attracting business, comes in last at access to childcare for working families, and is the state with the most people leaving it. But hey! Chicago's pretty awesome and their food is unhealthy but good, right? And what about that backwards flowing river, huh? No? (Update 11/3 - And what about those Cubs too, huh?)
21. Montana
If you were in elementary school and had to take one of those "name all 50 states" quizzes and could never do better than 49 out of 50 there is a good chance that Montana is the reason why. I mean I'm sitting here ranking the states and I can barely remember that Montana even exists. It has some of the lowest incomes in the nation (although the cost of living isn't that high) and a huge number of work-related accidents (that fellow boring states like Wyoming don't suffer from). Its opportunities for women are also pretty mediocre. So what makes boring-ass Montana better than a place like, say, Texas? Because Montanans score highly on the well-being index, have extremely low obesity rates, high rates of high school graduation, and low unemployment. And while I could make the usual "there is nothing to do in Montana" jokes... that wouldn't be accurate because ohmygod Montana is beautiful. Have you seen pictures of Glacier National Park or Big Sky? I kind of want to go right now, but I also don't want to be eaten by bears. Montana is the type of place you could just go to get away from it all for, oh, say 20 years.
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| Yellowstone! And absolutely nothing else other than that. |
Wyoming comes in #1 in the nation for graduating kids from high school. It has the third least poverty and violent crime in the nation. It has the fifth highest well-being index and the sixth lowest healthcare. Wyoming should be great based on all of that, right? Nope, because it's still Wyoming. Here are a list of things to do in Wyoming:
- ...
29. Texas
It even surprises me that Texas made it this high. It would have been much lower if I had just ranked Texas according to my own biased thoughts and opinions (as I originally intended) rather than by looking at actual statistics. Depending on what ranking you look at - Texas is either the dead last at high school graduation, or at the very least near the last (with Mississippi, of course, being its competitor for worst-ness). Its obesity rates are terrible (everything is bigger in Texas, thanks to brisket and Tex-Mex). A 2016 report named Texas as one of the worst states to grow up in (a fact I'm sure is heavily tied to the poor education performance). And they have the Dallas Cowboys - which in itself means that I should have ranked it as last out of principle. But you know what? Texas is the third most racially integrated state in the nation, has extremely high self-assessments of of well-being, and it has high employment. And their flag isn't even Confederate - although it is stolen from Chile, whose flag came two decades before Texas. Get an original flag, Texas!
28. North Carolina
North Carolina has a bit of a North Dakota problem, in that I can't think of anything I'd actually want to do there. The Outer Banks? Eh. How is that different than the seashore anywhere else on the coasts? At least South of the Border is actually south of the Carolina border, because if that shit show was in North Carolina - the two states could easily flip positions. North Carolina BBQ is clearly the worst BBQ is the US, hands down. I'm not saying it's terrible - but it doesn't even come close to competing with Texas, Kansas City or Memphis. And I'm talking about both Lexington-style and East-style Carolina BBQ. Statistics-wise with a lot of the quality of life indicators, there is almost nothing to say about North Carolina. It ranks in the middle-to-low on nearly all the statistics. Also, Fuck Duke.
27. Florida
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| Hello, I am your neighbor! |
26. Arizona
Gawker named Arizona as the worst state. But Gawker, which was (past tense intentional) based in New York City, also rated New York as the #1 state because they're shitty urban elitist liberal assholes who think they are the center of the universe. So is their opinion of Arizona accurate? No. There are a LOT of states far worse than Arizona, as you've seen. So does that make Arizona a good state? No. It's the second worst state for opportunities for young people, one in five homes in the state are vacant, its the sixth worst state for underprivileged children, and it has a high rate of crime. But the people of Arizona are generally happy and have a high sense of well-being, and the state ranks above average in a number of the statistical fields I've been looking at. Arizona is a middle-of-the-pack state, and could easily be elevated higher if Jan "Crypt Keeper" Brewer and Sheriff Joe were sent in a rocket ship to space (and the rocket ship malfunctioned and blew up).
25. New Jersey
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| Self-Explanatory |
24. South Dakota
In May 2015, the fact that President Obama visited South Dakota made the news. Why? Did he do something important there? No. It was simply because it was the last of the 50 states that he visited. Why put off South Dakota for so long? Because there is absolutely nothing to do there except look at a rock with some Presidents' faces carved into it. And that in itself isn't even interesting enough for a President to do until six years in office. And that attraction is something specifically dedicated to Presidents. If you were only one of 44 people who held a particular job in the world and they made a giant monument to people who had that job - wouldn't you be somewhat interested in visiting it? Well, Obama wasn't. Because it's not really that interesting. The only good things South Dakota has going for it (and why it soars a ton spots above North Dakota) is the fact that it had great healthcare, low unemployment, high assessments of well-being, great high school graduation rates, and above average life expectancy.
23. Pennsylvania
In Pennsylvania you have Philly, you have Pittsburgh, and then the rest of the state which is just Pennsyltucky. Why are there so many confederate flags floating from houses in rural Pennsylvania? Civil War enthusiasts? They do know that Lee lost at Gettysburg, right? Pennsylvania isn't really that terrible at any of the quality of life factors I'm weighing... other than in women's equality, where it is surprisingly ranked way down at #47 of 50. But beyond that, they don't crack the bottom 10 in any category. Nor do they crack the top 10 at being good at anything either - with their best statistic being ranked #11 in the nation at healthcare. Pennsylvania is a solidly mediocre state right in the middle of almost all the ratings. And so it also sits here in just about the middle.
22. Illinois
Unlike Pennsylvania, which is in the middle because it's consistently average at everything - Illinois' numbers are all over the place. It's good at things like higher education, women's equality, and healthcare, but then also poor at things like crime, unemployment, racial integration, and getting opportunities for poorer people access to basic education. It has been ranked the second worst run state ("Chicago-style politics" being a term regularly used to describe corruption), it's one of the worst states to live in for taxes, near the bottom for attracting business, comes in last at access to childcare for working families, and is the state with the most people leaving it. But hey! Chicago's pretty awesome and their food is unhealthy but good, right? And what about that backwards flowing river, huh? No? (Update 11/3 - And what about those Cubs too, huh?)
21. Montana
_8633.jpg/1280px-2015-06-19_Glacier_National_Park_(U.S.)_8633.jpg) |
| 90% of the state looks like this |
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