Am I the first person to rank the States? No. Websites put up lists like this all the time. Even H.L. Menken did it in 1931. But honestly, fuck H.L. Menken. Only Ed Ranks Everything has the academic gravitas and renowned ranking methodologies to rank the States properly and definitively for once and all. I didn't see Menken ever rank Dawson's Creek characters or crayola colors.
But a little more to the point, I actually did a little research and math crunching for this one, so if you feel like I'm boring you with statistics a little bit - that's probably because I used statistics. My rankings shall include a variety of factors such as education (at all levels), income and poverty, unemployment, overall health and healthcare, violent crime, gender equality, racial equity, childcare, opportunities for young people, and "well-being" (which I'll explain a little later). I won't explain every factor I used. I don't have to justify myself to you!!! I also used some other random "wildcard" factors here and there, and you'll see those pop up. These are things I like to call "intangibles." And just to make sure my own results didn't mirror any other ranking I made sure that I didn't use any of the same qualitative factors that estately.com did for their ranking of the states (although honestly, they used some pretty solid ranking factors).
50 states is a lot, so this will be broken up into five parts. Let's start with the worst, shall we? And not to spoil anything, but if you're from the Deep South you might want to just look away now.
50. Mississippi
Mississippi has the highest unemployment rate, the highest poverty rate, the highest obesity, the lowest life expectancy, the worst conditions for underprivileged children, and the lowest percentage of people who graduate form high school. But at least it's only the second worst at teen pregnancy, huh? Mississippi and Sudan have very similar GDPs (Mississippi has the worst economy in the nation), and are unfortunately similar in a lot more ways than just that. What do you expect for a state that hasn't bothered to remove the fucking Confederate flag from their own flag? The best part of ranking Mississippi last though? At least no one is offended because nobody from Mississippi can read.
49. Arkansas
Speaking of miserable places that might as well be third world countries, Arkansas isn't that much better. It ranks second lowest in people who get college degrees and absolutely last in people who get advance degrees. It has low employment, low per capita income, low voter turnout, and high homicide and violent crime rates. Its flag also highly reminiscent of... oh... hey, what's that? Some sort of reverse Confederate flag-theme? Again?
48. Alabama
Low employment again? Check. Low income again? Check. High homicide/crime rate again? Check. Alabama also has brutally restrictive voter registration and immigration laws. It's pretty much a slightly less worse Mississippi but with tornadoes. But what you might be asking yourself right now is if their flag is one that instantly invokes some other flag with historical associations to secession, racism, slavery, segregation, and white supremacy? The answer to that question would be "Yes, yes it absolutely does." Hrmmm. Three in a row, all at the bottom? I'm sure it must just be a coincidence.
47. West Virginia
Okay, so West Virginia specifically broke off from Virginia to avoid being in the Confederacy, so no problems with that flag issue there for once. But West Virginia has the lowest employment rate and the lowest voter turnout. A 2012 Gallup Poll ranked it the worst state to live in, and the Gallup-Healthways Index ranked it as having the worst "well-being." You'll see this index of well-being references a lot over these five parts, so click the link if you want to understand it further. But basically it refers to people's sense of purpose as well as their social, financial, community and physical opportunities. West Virginia has the second lowest life expectancy and the second highest obesity. It's also regularly the butt of jokes about being inbred and having sex with sisters, so there's that.
46. Kentucky
That Gallup-Healthways Index on well-being wasn't too kind to Kentucky either. The bluegrass state also ranks near the bottom in education, opportunities for young people, women's equality, household income, and life expectancy. Geez, is Kentucky good at anything? Yes - it rates very high in obesity! That's what happens when your entire economy is based on KFC and bourbon. Admittedly - bourbon is awesome. It might be the only good thing about Kentucky though. Horse racing? Really? How can the Kentucky Derby be a beloved annual sporting event when the entire thing lasts the duration that it takes me to pee? But to more important issues now. Is their flag racist? No!!! Kentucky was a border state that wisely never left the Union and has instead decided that their flag should include an image of Daniel Boone and Henry Clay microseconds away from engaging in a hot man-on-man hug.
45. Georgia
A foreigner might come to the United States with one simple question, "What state was Deliverance set in, so I may avoid that state?" The answer is "Georgia," which is 99% of everything you need to know about Georgia. What is the other 1% that you need to know? The fact that after much controversy in 2001 it finally changed its flag to get rid of that Second Confederate Navy Jack (AKA Army of Northern Virginia battle flag, AKA Dukes of Hazzard flag) which is commonly thought of today as "the Confederate flag," even though it technically wasn't because the real "Confederate flag" was the first national flag of the Confederacy, also known as the "Stars and Bars." Whew! What a relief. I'm glad to know that in 2001 the people of Georgia finally moved on from that old racist flag. But what did they change their flag to? An almost exact copy of the first national flag of the Confederacy! So really all Georgia decided to do is make its inherent institutional racism more historically accurate. Fuck you, Georgia. Nobody likes CNN or Delta Airlines anyway. And the fuzz on peaches makes them disgusting and inedible. Who wants to eat food that gives you the same tactile sensation as licking a 14-year old boy's face? Georgians, that's who.
44. Tennessee
Tennessee, where the violent crime rate is the one of the worst in the country (the worst according to the FBI a few years ago, although other rankings differ), it has high rates of diabetes and obesity, a quarter of adults are smokers, and life expectancy and household income are inhumanely low. What else sucks about Tennessee? Poor emotional health, high stress, and a shockingly low number of people who answered that they had "smiled or laughed" in the last day when surveyed. Does their flag look like a Confederate flag? They officially say "no," and that its imagery represents the "Grand Divisions" of the state and that a blue bar on it is "purely for design." But "vexillologist" (Latin for "flag-studying guy") Steven A. Knowlton says that "the Tennessee flag has pragmatic unity with the Confederate flag: both share the element of white stars inside a fimbriated blue charge, and the element of that blue charge on a red field." That claim of a purely "design"-based blue vertical bar also doesn't hold up, with Knowlton noting a resemblance between the flag's vertical bars and the vertical bar of the third national flag of the Confederacy. Nice try, shitbags.
43. Ohio
Ohio is straight up "North," so you can't accuse me of a pro-Yankee bias for this one (although if you are the type of person to complain about "pro-Northern biases" in the first place, I probably don't care about any opinion you have on anything except for cornbread recipes). The Gallup well-being index skewered Ohio as its residents typically had low opinions of their lives and opportunities. This is the type of thing that typically happens when you live in a place where your bodies of water catch on fire. Do you know what the one type of thing that typically isn't supposed to catch on fire is? Yes, water. The thing you use to put out fires with (let's not bring up Class D fires, no need to be anal about this). The people of Ohio also have fairly low incomes, low life expectancy and high rates of obesity. They're doing better at education than the Southern states though because, well, they're not the South.
42. Nevada
Nevada is a terrible state. First of all, absolutely nothing about Las Vegas interests me at all. And Las Vegas itself is just one city in an entire state, so let's stick to talking about the whole state rather than just a city nicknamed aptly for "sin." Nevada has the second highest unemployment. It has the sixth lowest college education. It has the eighth highest crime rate. It's also just mostly a bunch of shitty desert, probably full of snakes and lizards and scorpions. And this last one might come as a shock to you (from a state all about showgirls and brothels)... but Nevada also ranks as one of the worst states for women. It's the worst state for women's employment and insurance, third worst for women's healthcare, and pretty low ranking in women's political participation, life expectancy from birth, and high school graduation. You don't have to go to a slot machine to gamble in Nevada. If you're a woman you're already gambling your future just by being there.
41. Oklahoma
So you thought I was done beating up on you, South? NOT YET! Who has terrible healthcare? You do, Oklahoma! Who has high obesity (including childhood obesity), low-ranking public schools, 16.6% of people living below the poverty line, the sixth highest teen pregnancy rate, and the highest rate of female incarceration? You do, Oklahoma! And while female incarceration may sound like a good premise for a Netflix show (or--let's be honest--a porno)... it's not really a good thing in real life. And I'd be remiss if I don't mention all your damn tornadoes. But my favorite random Oklahoma statistic - it has the lowest consumption of fruit in the US. Who is studying things like that? These big money Washington state apple lobbyists are out of control! Not like those good, honest fracking lobbyists in Oklahoma. What earthquakes? Oklahoma doesn't know what you're talking about with that man-made fracking earthquake nonsense. The fact that earthquakes, which never happened before, have suddenly started to happen in Oklahoma is a TOTAL COINCIDENCE.
But a little more to the point, I actually did a little research and math crunching for this one, so if you feel like I'm boring you with statistics a little bit - that's probably because I used statistics. My rankings shall include a variety of factors such as education (at all levels), income and poverty, unemployment, overall health and healthcare, violent crime, gender equality, racial equity, childcare, opportunities for young people, and "well-being" (which I'll explain a little later). I won't explain every factor I used. I don't have to justify myself to you!!! I also used some other random "wildcard" factors here and there, and you'll see those pop up. These are things I like to call "intangibles." And just to make sure my own results didn't mirror any other ranking I made sure that I didn't use any of the same qualitative factors that estately.com did for their ranking of the states (although honestly, they used some pretty solid ranking factors).
50 states is a lot, so this will be broken up into five parts. Let's start with the worst, shall we? And not to spoil anything, but if you're from the Deep South you might want to just look away now.
50. Mississippi
 |
| Not offended by this? Congratulations! You're racist. |
49. Arkansas
Speaking of miserable places that might as well be third world countries, Arkansas isn't that much better. It ranks second lowest in people who get college degrees and absolutely last in people who get advance degrees. It has low employment, low per capita income, low voter turnout, and high homicide and violent crime rates. Its flag also highly reminiscent of... oh... hey, what's that? Some sort of reverse Confederate flag-theme? Again?
48. Alabama
Low employment again? Check. Low income again? Check. High homicide/crime rate again? Check. Alabama also has brutally restrictive voter registration and immigration laws. It's pretty much a slightly less worse Mississippi but with tornadoes. But what you might be asking yourself right now is if their flag is one that instantly invokes some other flag with historical associations to secession, racism, slavery, segregation, and white supremacy? The answer to that question would be "Yes, yes it absolutely does." Hrmmm. Three in a row, all at the bottom? I'm sure it must just be a coincidence.
47. West Virginia
 |
| Wild and wond- well... okay. It's wild at least. |
46. Kentucky
That Gallup-Healthways Index on well-being wasn't too kind to Kentucky either. The bluegrass state also ranks near the bottom in education, opportunities for young people, women's equality, household income, and life expectancy. Geez, is Kentucky good at anything? Yes - it rates very high in obesity! That's what happens when your entire economy is based on KFC and bourbon. Admittedly - bourbon is awesome. It might be the only good thing about Kentucky though. Horse racing? Really? How can the Kentucky Derby be a beloved annual sporting event when the entire thing lasts the duration that it takes me to pee? But to more important issues now. Is their flag racist? No!!! Kentucky was a border state that wisely never left the Union and has instead decided that their flag should include an image of Daniel Boone and Henry Clay microseconds away from engaging in a hot man-on-man hug.
45. Georgia
 |
| Enjoy not sleeping tonight |
44. Tennessee
Tennessee, where the violent crime rate is the one of the worst in the country (the worst according to the FBI a few years ago, although other rankings differ), it has high rates of diabetes and obesity, a quarter of adults are smokers, and life expectancy and household income are inhumanely low. What else sucks about Tennessee? Poor emotional health, high stress, and a shockingly low number of people who answered that they had "smiled or laughed" in the last day when surveyed. Does their flag look like a Confederate flag? They officially say "no," and that its imagery represents the "Grand Divisions" of the state and that a blue bar on it is "purely for design." But "vexillologist" (Latin for "flag-studying guy") Steven A. Knowlton says that "the Tennessee flag has pragmatic unity with the Confederate flag: both share the element of white stars inside a fimbriated blue charge, and the element of that blue charge on a red field." That claim of a purely "design"-based blue vertical bar also doesn't hold up, with Knowlton noting a resemblance between the flag's vertical bars and the vertical bar of the third national flag of the Confederacy. Nice try, shitbags.
43. Ohio
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| Let's make the Statehouse look like we were too poor to afford a dome |
42. Nevada
 |
| Oh look. Sand. |
41. Oklahoma
So you thought I was done beating up on you, South? NOT YET! Who has terrible healthcare? You do, Oklahoma! Who has high obesity (including childhood obesity), low-ranking public schools, 16.6% of people living below the poverty line, the sixth highest teen pregnancy rate, and the highest rate of female incarceration? You do, Oklahoma! And while female incarceration may sound like a good premise for a Netflix show (or--let's be honest--a porno)... it's not really a good thing in real life. And I'd be remiss if I don't mention all your damn tornadoes. But my favorite random Oklahoma statistic - it has the lowest consumption of fruit in the US. Who is studying things like that? These big money Washington state apple lobbyists are out of control! Not like those good, honest fracking lobbyists in Oklahoma. What earthquakes? Oklahoma doesn't know what you're talking about with that man-made fracking earthquake nonsense. The fact that earthquakes, which never happened before, have suddenly started to happen in Oklahoma is a TOTAL COINCIDENCE.
Next time: 40-31. These are states that suck slightly less, but still suck.
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