Ed Ranks "Fun" Fall Activities

A plague of beautiful orange

Realsimple.com has a “Fun Fall Activities Checklist,” providing 50 suggestions for activities that you can do in the autumn. Some are outside. Some are food. Some are just stupid. This is how I rank them.

50. Remember what you’re thankful for - This was the last one on their list, probably because they completely ran out of ideas. This is lame and sounds like something Kirk Cameron would try to tell to you.

49. Watch a kids’ soccer game - Or you could not do that instead, and have a much better time. The only time this is allowable is if you have kids playing in that game.  If you do not, then you should be arrested.

48. Collect pinecones and display them in a glass bowl  - Why? So I can get sap all over my damn hands?

47. Take a hot-air balloon ride - Google “balloon accident” and you’ll get 613,000 results. This is a great idea if you want to die.

46. Learn to knit - No thanks. Didn’t they invent machines to do this for us back in the Industrial Revolution?

45. Run a race - I think this list is trying to tell me I’m fat and need to work out more.

44. Spend a day antiquing - Or I could just stay at home and see if the classic 1990s Ian McShane comedy-crime-drama Lovejoy is on BitTorrent and just watch someone else antique from the comfort of my warm bed.

43. Watch geese flying south for the winter - Am I just supposed to stare at the sky all day, waiting for geese to coincidentally fly by? Who made this list? People who live on an estuary?

42. Make your kid’s (or your own) Halloween costume - Because you’re poor.

41. Plant bulbs in your garden for next spring - I thought this was supposed to be a fun list. This is just labor.

40. Collect colorful fall leaves  - And do what with them exactly? Have then dry up and crumble apart in a dresser somewhere?

39. Eat a candy apple - I’ve never liked candy apples. They’re too large and messy. And it’s an invitation to destroy your teeth.

38. Breath in the cool, crisp air - This is actually on the list. As if maybe some people will decide to not breath this fall.

37. Dig up your sweaters from storage - This is less of a “fun fall activity” and more of a practical necessity.

36. Wear your favorite jeans - As above. You kind of have to do this. It’s cold now. Is it really that special to put your jeans on?

35. Get spooked in a haunted house - These things don’t scare me at all. I mainly just pity the people who work there.

34. Re-watch your favorite scary movie on Halloween - Same as above. Scary movies don’t do that much for me. But it’s slightly better than haunted houses because then I get to avoid social interaction because I hate people.

33.  Buy winter squash and Brussels sprouts at a farmers’ market - I question how buying groceries qualifies as “fun.”

32. Give out candy to trick o’ treaters  - This isn’t really something you can do any time in the fall, or even most of the time in the fall. You can only do this one night, so it’s not that good of a suggestion. If people come to your door demanding candy on days other than Halloween this fall, you should throw acid at them.

31.   Make a pinecone bird feeder - I applaud the idea of feeding birds, but this seems like a lot of work. How about I just throw some seeds in the ground? Birds can find them there just as easily.

30.  Host a potluck Thanksgiving dinner - Hosting Thanksgiving dinner and relying on others to bring things over is just a nightmare. Any time a scene about this concept is featured in a holiday movie, it includes something going horribly wrong. You should just order a pizza for Thanksgiving like on General Hospital. Yeah, that’s right. I have enough knowledge about General Hospital to make a super specific reference to it. I can deal with your judgment.

29. Make butternut squash soup - I’m not saying it’s terrible, but it’s not my favorite.

28. Buy a new notebook - Great, now I have somewhere I can glue all those colorful fall leaves that I collected for no reason.

27. Borrow a book from the library - What makes this activity fall-specific? You can really do this all year. Although the last time I went to the library they accused me of not turning in a book after I turned it back in. I got a letter in the mail saying I had a fine and I stormed over there furiously and showed them it was already on the shelf. Fuck libraries.

26.  Roast vegetables for a tasty side dish - I guess I could do this, but I could also not do that.

25. Play a game of two-hand touch football  - Touch football? It’s full contact or nothing. Mamma ain’t raise no beeyotch!

24. Go apple picking - Or I could go to the store, since that’s much closer and they usually have about twelve different varieties of apples.

23. Eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich - I do this all the time anyway. Why would the arrival of the autumnal equinox change the frequency at which I consume PB&Js? If I have peanut butter and jelly in the house, I will make PB&Js no matter what the carb situation is. Only have pumpernickel bread? Sure, that will work. Cheese biscuits? Yeah, I could put PB&J on those. Taco shells? Yep, I’ve done it - soft and hard.

22. Attend a fall festival  - This could go either way. There are all kinds of festivals. If someone just said “come to a fall festival with me,” I absolutely would not agree unless I had more data.

21. Start Christmas shopping  - Oh shit! I do have to do that soon, don’t I? Well, time to get everyone gift cards again because deep down inside I know absolutely nothing about the likes or dislikes of any of my friends or family.

20. Go for a hayride - I admit, this sounds tempting and nostalgic. The four days of allergy attacks afterwards sounds less tempting and nostalgic.

I never carved anything this good

19. Carve your own pumpkin - So messy. I was obsessed for several years with those patterns that you could trace onto a pumpkin so it looked like you had actual talent or skill. But as an apartment dweller these days, this is impractical and I don’t think the building management company or my neighbors will appreciate a dead gourd slowly rotting in the hallway by my door. 

18. Listen to the sound of leaves crunching under your feet - There is still something oddly gratifying about this.

17. Buy something from a bake sale - This suggestion could be improved if someone just gave me baked goods for free.

16. Go leaf-peeping - I wanted to make fun of this and rank it lower because it sounded so stupid. But then I Googled “leaf-peeping” and saw that it meant going around in the fall and looking at leaves. Which I’ve done before, but this isn’t something I’d just do by itself. It should really be combined with some other activity. Like, oh, I dunno…

15. Take a drive in the country - Yes, this is how you should do leaf-peeping, from the warmth and comfort of your motorized horseless carriage vehicle car thing. 

14. Eat a slice of warm pumpkin bread - But only if it has PB&J on it.

13. Throw a Halloween party - Halloween parties are much more fun than Halloween night trick-or-treat nonsense itself. I can’t wait to see what the slutty costumes are this year (mostly Harley Quinn, I know and I’m fine with that).

You could never get out and die here

12. Get lost in a corn maze - Corn maze? HELL YEAH!

11. Jump in a pile of leaves - This is really just a sinister plot devised by parents to get their children to do yard work. “Hey, if you rake all those leaves into a big pile, you can jump into them!” And even though I see through this Machiavellian intrigue for what it truly is,  I would probably still fall for it as a grown man. Wheeeeeee!

10. Tailgate at your local football game - This sounds fun, but I’ve never actually done it before. Probably because even the parking at FedEx Field is a million dollars.

9. Make rice krispie treats - Actually, I should do this. It’s really the only reason anyone buys rice krispies, right? Who actually eats that for cereal when Cinnamon Toast Crunch exists instead?

8. Go for a hike - Another solid idea to pair with #16 above. I like hiking. It’s like #45 above except I actually get to see things and I don’t fall to the ground gasping for air after going 60 feet.

7. Make a big batch of chili - Now that it’s October, the CrockPot needs to be moved to a more accessible part of the cabinets.

6. Tour a winery - You had me at alcohol.

5. Bake an apple or pumpkin pie - Apple is the best, but pumpkin pie has its place. And finally, the one thing in which pumpkin pie spice should be allowed… you know… in pumpkin pie.

4. Build a bonfire - Burning things is the best. I watch Backdraft every time it’s on the TV.

3. Drink hot spiced cider - In October, this needs to replace my hot water tap.

2. Rent a cabin in the mountains - Fantastic idea, and excellent paired with #4, #8, #15 and #16 above. I need to reserve one of these now before all the spots fill up.

1. Celebrate Oktoberfest with beer and sausages - Even though Oktoberfest is over (let’s be honest, it should be called "Septemberfest") that’s no reason to stop eating sausages and drinking beer. We should keep Oktoberfest in our hearts all year long. And we will if we keep eating all those bratwurst, because the fat from them will stay in our arteries.

Okay Germany, I apologize for placing you at #4 for beer countries.