Ed Ranks the Miss Saudi Arabia 2016 Contestants

10. Ms. Hofuf - Hubba hubba! Look at this girl's glittering jade eyes and the bridge of her nose! For the competition today she chose to wear a black abaya and niqāb. She enjoys not voting, not driving, being unable to obtain a passport, staying at home all day in subservience to her man, and not being allowed to learn to read. She would have been a clear winner of this pageant, but unfortunately she accidentally showed part of her wrist and was stoned to death by the audience, disqualifying her and sending her all the way down to the bottom of the ranks.

9. Ms. Dammam - Sweet mother of pearl! Look at this girl's darting amber eyes and the bridge of her nose! For the competition today she chose to wear a black abaya and niqāb. She enjoys not voting, not driving, being unable to obtain a passport, staying at home all day in subservience to her man, and not being permitted to dance or sing.

8. Ms. Khobar - Heavens to Betsy! Look at this girl's piercing brown eyes and the bridge of her nose! For the competition today she chose to wear a black abaya and niqāb. She enjoys not voting, not driving, being unable to obtain a passport, staying at home all day in subservience to her man, and not being allowed to befriend any other human beings without her husband's permission.

7. Ms. Jeddah - Holy smoke! Look at this girl's sparking emerald eyes and the bridge of her nose! For the competition today she chose to wear a black abaya and niqāb. She enjoys not voting, not driving, being unable to obtain a passport, staying at home all day in subservience to her man, and cleaning up the bodies of stampede victims at the annual Hajj in nearby Mecca.

6. Ms. Tabuk - Hot diggity dog! Look at this girl's deep-set hazel eyes and the bridge of her nose! For the competition today she chose to wear a black abaya and niqāb. She enjoys not voting, not driving, being unable to obtain a passport, staying at home all day in subservience to her man, and being accused of being a wicked temptress for that time she was sexually assaulted by her uncle as a teenager.

5. Ms. Ta'if - Bada bing! Look at this girl's glinting auburn eyes and the bridge of her nose! For the competition today she chose to wear a black abaya and niqāb. She enjoys not voting, not driving, being unable to obtain a passport, staying at home all day in subservience to her man, and being beaten for her potential future acts of disobedience that her husband imagines she might commit one day.

4. Ms. Buraidah - Gadzooks! Look at this girl's dancing chestnut eyes and the bridge of her nose! For the competition today she chose to wear a black abaya and niqāb. She enjoys not voting, not driving, being unable to obtain a passport, staying at home all day in subservience to her man, and not being allowed to own property.

3. Ms. Riyadh - Mamma Mia! Look at this girl's viridescent green eyes and the bridge of her nose! For the competition today she chose to wear a black abaya and niqāb. She enjoys not voting, not driving, being unable to obtain a passport, staying at home all day in subservience to her man, and being banned from trying to form any opinion of her own on the text of the Qur’an.

2. Ms. Medina - Great Scott! Look at this girl's wide gray eyes and the bridge of her nose! For the competition today she chose to wear a black abaya and niqāb. She enjoys not voting, not driving, being unable to obtain a passport, staying at home all day in subservience to her man, and walking three steps behind her husband at all times.

1. Ms. Al-Kharj - I think I'm in love! Look at this girl's olive doe-eyes and the bridge of her nose! For the competition today she chose to wear a black abaya and niqāb. She enjoys not voting, not driving, being unable to obtain a passport, staying at home all day in subservience to her man, and being the fourth wife to a man 30-year older than her, thanks to an arranged marriage set up by her father with a business partner in order to get a promotion at the oil company.