Ed Ranks Batmen

Everyone wants to be Batman! Minus that little
"your parents getting murdered" part.

A lot of people have played Batman. Some of them were very good, and others had nipples on their suits. These are their stories.

10. (Tie) Everyone Else - Let's not pretend this list is definitive. DC Comics over the past several years has been releasing tons of straight-to-video animated stories that feature people like Jeremy Sisto, William Baldwin, Bruce Greenwood, Jason O'Mara, Michael C. Hall, and a million others voicing Batman. There were also serialized radio dramas featuring Batman back in the yesteryear. Lewis Wilson and Robert Lowery played Batman in the 1943 Batman and the 1949 Batman and Robin, both 15-part theatrical (low budget) serials. The 1943 serial, obviously being made in the middle of World War II, featured Batman as a heroic US-government agent fighting the evil Japanese (referred to lovingly in the film as "shifty-eyed"). The 1949 serial featured a villain named "the Wizard," who's amazing wizard power was that he could create a gadget that could control cars. And speaking of cars, some dude played Batman in OnStar commercials. Remember that? But nobody cares about any of these people or their Batman portrayals as they are waaaaay too obscure. Let's move on to some real Batmen...

9. George Clooney - Batman and Robin (the 1997 version, not the 1949 version) was awful. Every single actor in this film was miscast. Every single costume was terrible. The set designs were terrible. The cinematography was terrible. The story was terrible. The only redeeming quality of this film is the ability to ironically quote its terrible puns. In fact, I'd go even further and make up additional puns that weren't in the movie but seem like they could have been. Anyone can do this. Just make up a terrible joke that uses the word "chill," or "cool," or "cold," or "ice," or freeze," and do it in a bad Arnold Schwarzenegger accent. Instant fun! Notice how I haven't actually talked about George Clooney at all in this ranking? That's because he's totally forgettable. What did he do in this film? Nothing that I can recall. Get kissed by Uma Thurmon? I kind of recall that. I'm pretty sure he didn't even get top billing.

Hey! From the same artist as the forty cakes meme.

8. Olan Soule - You might not think you know who Olan Soule is, but if you heard his voice it would likely bring some tingling of nostalgia to you (at least if you are of a certain age group). He was the primary television animation voice of Batman from 1968 to 1984, although Adam West was sometimes invited to reprise the role in animated features during that time. He voiced the role in The Batman/Superman Hour,  The Adventures of Batman, The New Scooby-Doo Movies, Sesame Street, Super Friends (1973 series), The All-New Super Friends Hour, Challenge of the SuperFriends, The World's Greatest Super Friends, and Super Friends (1980 series). He was also a solid television character actor, and appeared on just about every show from the 1950s to the 1980s that you can imagine from I Love Lucy to Simon and Simon.  So there, now you know about this guy.

7. Val Kilmer - Batman Forever, like Batman and Robin, is another terrible Joel Schumacher film with the same flaws as described above with mediocre casting, sets, scripts, etc. But at least Iceman had a slightly better portrayal of the caped crusader with more to do in this film than Clooney ever did. And yet Jim Morrison still seems to be just a boring supporting character to Tommy Lee Jones and Jim Carrey, who I'm sure get more screen time in the film as the villains than Batman himself ever does. They even get the better girls. Two-Face got to double team Drew Barrymore and Debi Mazar while Doc Holliday had to settle for lame Nicole Kidman. Poor Simon Templar. Okay, that's it. I've reached the end of my Val Kilmer role knowledge.

6. Ben Affleck - I like Ben Affleck, and have no objection to him playing Batman like many others did. However, he just hasn't done it enough to soar that high in the rankings yet. With only Batman vs. Superman and a very small cameo appearance in Suicide Squad as of yet, we haven't seen too much of him. I like the fact that he's playing an older, more grizzled Batman. I'd like it even more if they just hired Michael Keaton to come back as an even older Batman to coach Terry McGinnis in a Batman Beyond film - but hey, I'm sure that will happen one day (two reboots from now?). The thing about Batman wanting to kill Superman until he realized that their moms had the same name was super stupid, but I think Ben Affleck has a lot more to give than that.  Ask me again in a few years after Justice League and Battfleck's own solo Batman film come out and maybe he'll move up the ranks (or down, in the event that 60% of Justice League is just Batman wanting to kill Aquaman until he remembers that his dad also talked to fish). 

5. Will Arnet - Will Arnet is Lego Batman, who is absolutely awesome.

Television's first gay couple! Progressive.

4. Adam West - The 1960s Batman TV show (and its 1966 movie) straddle the line between "so bad its good" and something that's legitimately good. It was intentionally campy and a send-up of the juvenile Batman comic in general. When you look at how cheesy and over-the-top a lot of the show is, you also have to wonder how much of that was due to low budgets and how much was done just because they thought it would be funny to make it cheesier. Adam West worked perfectly for this show, and the fact that he had Bat-Everything in his utility belt was ludicrous. Shark repellent? Really? So many elements of this show worked their way into the Batman mythology that it was forever changed. The bad part of that was the 60's Batman show became so associated with Batman as a whole, that the Batman character was sort of a joke for a number of years until Tim Burton saved Batman from his underwear-on-the-outside self.

3. Christian Bale - The Dark Knight Trilogy are all great films, and I have nothing negative to say about them. Christian Bale is great in these. After Joel Schumacher ran the Batman series into the ground by bringing elements of the campy 1960s Batman back into the film series, Christopher Nolan again saved Batman and gave us the darkest and most morally complex portrayal of Batman yet. Maybe he would rank #2 instead of #3 if not for that damn gravelly voice. WHERE'S RACHEL?

 

"As a matter of fact, I have danced with the devil in the pale moonlight."

2. Michael Keaton - Michael Keaton's Batman is almost the best. As alluded to above, the association of Batman being "badass" is entirely due to Tim Burton helping to make Batman cool, ass-kicking, and awesome again in the late 80's. After the 1960s, Batman was universally thought of as a goofy, pun-making idiot who ran around in a silly suit. Keaton's darker and complex take on Batman, and the overall darkness of the story, redefined the character for the next generation. Before Hollywood started "rebooting" everything - this was really the mother of all reboots that started the idea that you could take an entertainment franchise and totally redefine it. Christian Bale's Batman would have never been if it wasn't for Michael Keaton paving the way.

1. Kevin Conroy - Kevin Conroy is Batman. If you don't know who Kevin Conroy is, you have no business even looking at this ranking or pretending like you care about Batman.

~~~~~~~

Admit it, you just came a little looking at this dapper gent.

0. Ultimate Morphed Batman - Dafuq is this?! In the history of Ed Ranks Everything there has never been a #0 before!  How can there be a number zero? Is zero better than one or is it worse than one?  Well, it's both. It's better than #1 in the sense that it would be better, but it's not actually the best because it doesn't exist. A few years ago, Reddit user morphinapg created a picture where he merged the faces of Adam West, Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, George Clooney, and Christian Bale. The end result was this picture to the side of the most handsome man ever. Coincidentally, this was actually done before Ben Affleck was cast and so it actually doesn't include Affleck. But you could almost swear it does. As if Ben Affleck was always meant to be part of this. Scientists need to get working on gene splicing so we can make this ultimate morphed Batman a reality. Earlier this year, a baby was born with three genetic parents. It's just a matter of time before we take this technology into the eventual destination it was always meant to go - creating the perfect Batman. And how could highly-advanced Batman-related technology ever go wrong?