While there are 28 countries in the European Union (soon to be 27, thanks Obama! UK!) only 19 of those countries are in the "Eurozone," and thus share the same paper money and the "common side" of their coins ranging between €0.01 and €2.00. Because only one side of the coins is common across the zone, each country gets to depict whatever it wants on the other side. Well, almost whatever it wants. I'm sure there are some pretty sensitive topics in Europe that allow other countries to get some veto power.
How about I rank these countries by their aesthetic €1 coin choices? No? Too bad, I've already written it.
19. The Netherlands - In 2014 hideously ugly depictions of King William-Alexander replaced hideously ugly depictions of Queen Beatrix (who abdicated the throne) on all Dutch Euro coins. Whenever I see Dutch coins, I want to find a forge and melt them into bullets that I can use to shoot whoever designed them. And by that I mean shoot them in the leg or something to teach them a lesson. I'm not a monster.
18. Slovenia - AGHHH! Want your currency to give you nightmares? Check out this depiction of (super angry-looking) 16th Century Protestant reformer Primož Trubar featured on the Slovenian €1 coin. He looks like a version of Santa Claus that might go around breaking into people's houses through the chimney to murder them. Look, I mean no disrespect to Primož Trubar. I'm sure he's a revered national hero. It's not like you're going to put Melania on your coins. But this particular depiction of him resembles a police sketch of a homeless man who has been seen flashing women at the park.
17. Spain - As you'll quickly be able to tell from this set of rankings, I am not really a fan of countries that simply put their silly monarch's face on their coins and call it a day. Like the Netherlands, Spain is one of these countries. Since "old monarch abdication fever" (OMAF) caught on in the early 2010s, the Spanish €1 switched from King Juan Carlos I to the new King Felipe VI. Unlike the Netherlands, this is a pretty straightforward depiction of their ruler without any failed attempt to be artsy. Unfortunately for Spain, the profile picture of Felipe used makes this coin look like it has Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad on it. Not so good.
16. Belgium - Belgium's €1 coin is boringly just the same picture as all of their other coins - a profile of their (again) current monarch, King Philippe. And also like Spain and the Netherlands, the face on the coin recently changed. Before Philippe it was King Albert II... who, yep, abdicated again! I had totally forgotten that happened, just like most people totally forget that Belgium even has a king. Fortunately for Belgium, their king in no way resembled a genocidal tyrant who uses chemical weapons on civilian populations.
15. Estonia - The Estonia €1 coin is a silhouette of Estonia. How creative! Estonia should have looked to its Baltic state colleagues in Latvia and Lithuania if they wanted advice on how to make an awesome coin.
14. Luxembourg - All Luxembourg coins feature slightly different stylized effigies of Grand Duke Henri of Luxembourg. This is almost as boring as Belgium and the others, but at least the angular stylization of the depiction of the Grand Duke on the coin is somewhat interesting. The Dutch also went for angular stylization. I'm not particularly a fan of any of the coins that rank this low, but Luxembourg pulled it off the "face of some guy" thing a lot better than the rest.
13. Austria - The only famous Austrians are those characters from The Sound of Music, Hitler, and Mozart. So Austria wisely went with Mozart for their €1 coin. And their economy is still probably 40% Mozart-driven, with I'm sure half the cafes and stores in the country being named Mozart something-or-other. I'd suggest they replace Mozart with a Sachertorte if they really want a high ranking coin rather than just another boring picture of someone's face. Schnitzel and apfelstrudel are obviously more renowned, but a little harder to depict on a coin. So get on that, Austrian Chancellor Christian Kern who I'm sure has no other important issues to deal with like what to do with all those Syrian refugees flooding into Europe (thanks a lot for that Felipe VI, uhh... I mean, Assad).
12. Cyprus - Cyrpus's coin depicts the Idol of Pomos, a cross-like prehistoric fertility goddess sculpture dating back to the Chalcolithic period, circa the 30th-Century BC. While this has deep and important historic and cultural meaning to the Cypriot people, unfortunately the coin looks sort of stupid. The Idol of Pomos is even wearing a necklace on the coin - a necklace of the Idol of Pomos. While the idea of recursion on a coin should be amazingly hilarious to me, when I look at this coin I go "meh."
11. France - I can't tell what the hell this is supposed to be. I guess a super-stylized tree or something. But it could be Bastille Day fireworks for all I know. There are so many awesome things about France, you think they could choose something better than a tree. Napoleon? A guillotine? A pencil-mustached man wearing a striped shirt and beret while carrying a baguette? All of these would be clearly better choices.
10. Finland - Finland's Euro coin is graced by two swans flying over a distant, lake-filled landscape. Aww, totes adorbs! But also kind of bland. Your nation's coat of arms is a crowned lion about to deliver a deathblow with a sword. That would have been much better.
9. Ireland - This is a Celtic Harp, as seen on the side of their bottles of Harp beer. Does it represent Ireland pretty well? Yeah, sure it does. Is it that interesting otherwise? Not particularly.
8. Slovakia - This is ALMOST a really exceptional coin featuring the coat of arms of Slovakia, which is mainly focused on a double (patriarchal/Byzantine/Orthodox) cross on three hills. This same symbol can be seen on their flag. But the Slovaks could have learned a lesson from the Malta about simplicity in design (we'll get to them later). Slovakia goes for some sort of bumpy background texture behind the cross design, as if the cross was carved onto stone. Entirely unnecessary. A simple/clean double cross on the rounded minimalist suggestion of three hills from their coat of arms would have been a sharp and appealing design. All that "chiseled on rock nonsense" ruins the effect of something that's only 23.25mm in diameter.
7. Germany - The German €1 features the "German eagle," which is a badass-looking heraldic symbol that is fortunately different enough from the eagle that the Nazis used, because that certainly wouldn't be good. Two problems bring it down a bit though. First, it doesn't look as awesome or angry as other version of the German eagle, which would be better. And secondly - Germany wasn't the only European country to historically use eagle heraldry to represent the nation. The Spanish, Byzantines, Russians, Poles, and others all used pretty similar-looking eagles. Since a number of countries which came from those empires (especially the ex-Byzantine countries) still use those very similar eagles and are in the EU - what gives Germany the right to claim this one? I mean, other than the fact that they are the economic powerhouse that really runs the entire EU behind the scenes anyway.
6. Italy - The Italian €1 coin features Leonardo da Vinci's Vitruvian Man, also known as "that Renaissance Goro picture" (to people who didn't take as many art history courses as I). It is a great coin and going with iconic Italian art was a good decision for the boot country. Most of the Italian Euro coins are pretty good. The Birth of Venus by Botticelli is on the tiny little €0.10, and could easily also make a great design on a larger coin.
5. Portugal - All Portuguese Euro coins feature various Portuguese royal seals, with the €1 coin featuring the royal seal of 1144. It's throwback and historic-looking, which I really like. Above all other EU coins, this would be the most desirable coin to find spilling out of pirate treasure chests.
4. Latvia - Latvia's coin features a Latvian maiden (colloquially known as "Milda"), a holdover from the 5 lats coin and a popular symbol of independence during the Soviet occupation. She looks pretty cool and has a headpiece thingie that I was trying to research the name of so I didn't just call it a "crown." I was unable to figure out what it's actually called, but I did learn that the headpiece is worn only by unmarried women. Which is a pretty convenient shortcut to know who's single or not when you're playing the field in Riga.
3. Malta - Sometimes you don't need anything complicated or over-designed like France's busy and silly €1 coin. Malta keeps it simple and just used the Maltese Cross. Is it is pleasant design? Absolutely, the design has been used by the Order of St. John since 1567 and has its origins in 6th-Century Byzantine. Does it represent Malta well? Absolutely, it's the MALTESE cross. This is a sweet coin.
2. Lithuania - All Lithuanian coins, from €0.01 to €2.00, feature the same design - Vytis, a knight on horseback from the coat of arms of Lithuania. And while I knocked Belgium and some others for having the same design on every coin... the same rule doesn't apply when your coin is absolutely boss. This knight is the man! He's swinging his sword in the air while riding his horse and he's ready to kill the hell out of any filthy person who dares fight him. I would guess Russians. Lithuania might be new to the Eurozone, but they came in and break-danced all over everyone else's shit with this coin. Yes, Lithuanians are famous break-dancers. Don't question it, it's just one of those facts that you should blindly accept because I said so.
1. Greece - Greece's €1 is another throwback. Except it's throwing back REALLY FAR. It's a copy of the 5th-Century BC 4 drachma coin of Athens, featuring an owl - the symbol of goddess of wisdom Athena, for which Athens is named. It is absolutely incredible and awesome. Technically I guess it's also a coin within a coin... so recursion again, baybeeee! The Greeks dropped the proverbial gauntlet on the rest of Europe and were like, "Look bitches, we invented coins on Aegina Island around 700 BC. Nice try with all your stupid new designs, everyone else. But we're just going to use the same design that we used 25 centuries ago and it will be better than all of yours." And they were right. I guess the only thing that's too bad about this whole situation is that after essentially inventing money, the Greeks forgot how to use it.
How about I rank these countries by their aesthetic €1 coin choices? No? Too bad, I've already written it.
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| Way to make your monarch look like a burn victim, Netherlands |
18. Slovenia - AGHHH! Want your currency to give you nightmares? Check out this depiction of (super angry-looking) 16th Century Protestant reformer Primož Trubar featured on the Slovenian €1 coin. He looks like a version of Santa Claus that might go around breaking into people's houses through the chimney to murder them. Look, I mean no disrespect to Primož Trubar. I'm sure he's a revered national hero. It's not like you're going to put Melania on your coins. But this particular depiction of him resembles a police sketch of a homeless man who has been seen flashing women at the park.
17. Spain - As you'll quickly be able to tell from this set of rankings, I am not really a fan of countries that simply put their silly monarch's face on their coins and call it a day. Like the Netherlands, Spain is one of these countries. Since "old monarch abdication fever" (OMAF) caught on in the early 2010s, the Spanish €1 switched from King Juan Carlos I to the new King Felipe VI. Unlike the Netherlands, this is a pretty straightforward depiction of their ruler without any failed attempt to be artsy. Unfortunately for Spain, the profile picture of Felipe used makes this coin look like it has Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad on it. Not so good.
16. Belgium - Belgium's €1 coin is boringly just the same picture as all of their other coins - a profile of their (again) current monarch, King Philippe. And also like Spain and the Netherlands, the face on the coin recently changed. Before Philippe it was King Albert II... who, yep, abdicated again! I had totally forgotten that happened, just like most people totally forget that Belgium even has a king. Fortunately for Belgium, their king in no way resembled a genocidal tyrant who uses chemical weapons on civilian populations.
15. Estonia - The Estonia €1 coin is a silhouette of Estonia. How creative! Estonia should have looked to its Baltic state colleagues in Latvia and Lithuania if they wanted advice on how to make an awesome coin.
14. Luxembourg - All Luxembourg coins feature slightly different stylized effigies of Grand Duke Henri of Luxembourg. This is almost as boring as Belgium and the others, but at least the angular stylization of the depiction of the Grand Duke on the coin is somewhat interesting. The Dutch also went for angular stylization. I'm not particularly a fan of any of the coins that rank this low, but Luxembourg pulled it off the "face of some guy" thing a lot better than the rest.
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| Better than putting Freud on their coin |
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| WTF is this? |
11. France - I can't tell what the hell this is supposed to be. I guess a super-stylized tree or something. But it could be Bastille Day fireworks for all I know. There are so many awesome things about France, you think they could choose something better than a tree. Napoleon? A guillotine? A pencil-mustached man wearing a striped shirt and beret while carrying a baguette? All of these would be clearly better choices.
10. Finland - Finland's Euro coin is graced by two swans flying over a distant, lake-filled landscape. Aww, totes adorbs! But also kind of bland. Your nation's coat of arms is a crowned lion about to deliver a deathblow with a sword. That would have been much better.
9. Ireland - This is a Celtic Harp, as seen on the side of their bottles of Harp beer. Does it represent Ireland pretty well? Yeah, sure it does. Is it that interesting otherwise? Not particularly.
8. Slovakia - This is ALMOST a really exceptional coin featuring the coat of arms of Slovakia, which is mainly focused on a double (patriarchal/Byzantine/Orthodox) cross on three hills. This same symbol can be seen on their flag. But the Slovaks could have learned a lesson from the Malta about simplicity in design (we'll get to them later). Slovakia goes for some sort of bumpy background texture behind the cross design, as if the cross was carved onto stone. Entirely unnecessary. A simple/clean double cross on the rounded minimalist suggestion of three hills from their coat of arms would have been a sharp and appealing design. All that "chiseled on rock nonsense" ruins the effect of something that's only 23.25mm in diameter.
7. Germany - The German €1 features the "German eagle," which is a badass-looking heraldic symbol that is fortunately different enough from the eagle that the Nazis used, because that certainly wouldn't be good. Two problems bring it down a bit though. First, it doesn't look as awesome or angry as other version of the German eagle, which would be better. And secondly - Germany wasn't the only European country to historically use eagle heraldry to represent the nation. The Spanish, Byzantines, Russians, Poles, and others all used pretty similar-looking eagles. Since a number of countries which came from those empires (especially the ex-Byzantine countries) still use those very similar eagles and are in the EU - what gives Germany the right to claim this one? I mean, other than the fact that they are the economic powerhouse that really runs the entire EU behind the scenes anyway.
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| Italian Vishnu |
5. Portugal - All Portuguese Euro coins feature various Portuguese royal seals, with the €1 coin featuring the royal seal of 1144. It's throwback and historic-looking, which I really like. Above all other EU coins, this would be the most desirable coin to find spilling out of pirate treasure chests.
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| The tiara means she's single and ready to mingle |
3. Malta - Sometimes you don't need anything complicated or over-designed like France's busy and silly €1 coin. Malta keeps it simple and just used the Maltese Cross. Is it is pleasant design? Absolutely, the design has been used by the Order of St. John since 1567 and has its origins in 6th-Century Byzantine. Does it represent Malta well? Absolutely, it's the MALTESE cross. This is a sweet coin.
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| A killing machine |
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| Hell yeah, it's Bubo! |
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