Ed Ranks Thanksgiving Deserts

I had a brilliant epiphany to rank Thanksgiving Side dishes thinking “oh my gosh, I can’t believe I’ve never done this before!” Then, I looked at my old rankings a second time and was like “oops, no wait… I DID rank this before back in 2018.”  So I had written an entire post that was basically a duplicate of a past one. Oh well. Honestly I was surprised by how consistent the rankings were between what I began drafting and what I wrote 5 years ago. There were maybe like one or two minor changes. But I need a Thanksgiving post, right? Well, I specifically did NOT rank Thanksgiving “deserts” before – which are totally different from sides!  So let’s talk about those things you have absolutely no room for after you’ve already gorged yourself on delicious stuffing and cranberry sauce (eh, and dry-ass turkey too, I guess). 

10. Cake 

It’s weird that I’ve been to Thanksgiving dinners where people have had various types of cakes. Like sheet cake. White cake. Yellow cake. Chocolate cake. I figure all that bread you just ate from stuffing and dinner rolls is enough bread and you certainly don’t want MORE bread. Sometimes there is an attempt to make this seem a little more Thanksgiving-ey by making it something like a “pumpkin spice cake” (or perhaps even a pumpkin spice cupcake… I consider cupcakes to just be a subset of cake). There is also a “cranberry upside-down cake” that I know people have. I dunno. Cake just don’t seem right to me. Thanksgiving season is a PIE kinda season. 

9. Bread Pudding 

Sure, I like bread pudding, and as with the above “cake” category, some people try to make this more Thanksgiving-ey by having it be pumpkin spice bread pudding. Yet as with cake, it’s too much. Too many carbs when you’re already 99% already suffering from a food coma and stomach cramps from having a huge dinner at 2PM. 

8. Cranberry Orange Bread

I saw that this was a thing and questioned what it was until I saw a picture of it and thought “oh yeah, I’ve had that before.” My mom has probably even made it before (though not on Thanksgiving Day). And it is certainly a good idea for a fall/autumn desert bread. I agree that this has the flavor profile that goes well with the “Holiday Season,” but I just don’t think there is room on a Thanksgiving dinner plate (or second plate… or third plate) for all this dang bread. 

7. Pumpkin Rolls 

This is one I’m not actually super familiar with other than conceptually. Similar to the famous cinnamon roll - a thin piece of bread that’s rolled up into a spiral shape and usually slathered with something like a sweet cream cheese filling. It’s still bready and carb-centric, but the fact that we’re adding in the cream cheese means we’re moving in the right direction. 

6. Cheesecake 

Though called “cake,” cheesecake isn’t really cake because it’s actually… uh… geez. What IS cheesecake? A pie? No, it’s not even made in a pie pan. A tart? A baked custard? Whatever it is, it lacks all that bread so it’s definitely preferable to the heavier cakey/bready options above. And like some of the other above options, this could be a pumpkin spice-flavored cheesecake to try to “Thanksgiving” it up. Still a bit of a stretch though.

5. Apple Pie

Apple pie coming in this low might be a bit of a surprise… but hear me out. There is a better apple dessert choice for Thanksgiving, and you will learn about it soon enough. 

4. Sweet Potato Pie

With all due apologies to Pattie LaBelle and those who love sweet potato pies… you have to admit the truth that your pie tastes nearly identical to a pumpkin pie. What are the seasonings in a sweet potato pie? They are pumpkin spice seasonings. Which contain no actual pumpkin, but it's named that because we associate it with pumpkin pie. Not sweet potato pie. Or else we would call it "sweet potato spice," wouldn't we? This will always be the less loved stepchild of pumpkin pie. It tastes good, but it is what it is. 

3. Apple Crisp

Apple pie is delicious… but what is better? Getting rid of that boring top crust and replacing it with a concoction of brown sugar, butter, and something that is some tyoe of flour or grain (often it’s oats with apple crisp). Technically that makes this dish a streusel, I suppose. It’s better than apple pie. Why? Didn’t I just say? BROWN SUGAR AND BUTTER! And let’s be honest, throwing that streusel crisp on top is a billion times easier than putting on a top pie crust. Especially one of those complicated woven ones. What a pain. 

2. Pecan Pie

I like pecan pie more than I like what came in at #1 (go on and guess… or just scroll down a little, it’s not cheating. This isn’t a test) but I have to admit that what came in at #1 is indeed the “ultimate” Thanksgiving desert.  As for pecan pie? Oh so good. Especially if it’s made of insanely unhealthy Karo syrup. Is Karo syrup used for anything OTHER than pecan pies? I’m not sure, because 100% of the times I’ve bought Karo syrup it was to make pecan pie. Have I ranked nuts yet? Pecans are so good. Maybe I should rank nuts. 

1. Pumpkin Pie

Obviously.