Ed Ranks Subway Sandwiches

Let us never speak of Jared again.

Man, I sure do talk about food stuff a lot, huh? It was just the other day I was talking about Thanksgiving sides. Well, I guess you can tell I’m fat. Here are the 16 subs that Subway says are currently available:

16. Turkey Breast - You must be a very boring person to go to Subway and order a turkey breast sub.

15. Veggie Delight - You’re boring too, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt by assuming you have some moral reason and objection to the killing of animals that makes you order this. Still though.

14. Black Forest Ham - Come on people, you can clearly make this at home yourself. Buy some ham from the grocery store! This isn’t that hard!

13. Classic Tuna - I’m not really sure I understand the appeal of tuna + mayonnaise. I’d eat it as a kid, I guess.  I can’t recall a single time in the last 20 years though when I was like, “Oh man, I need a tuna salad sandwich.”

12. Roast Beef - As with some of the others above, it takes no effort to make this at home if you really like roast beef sandwiches. It’s not a fancy sandwich with multiple types of cured meats that you need to mix, match, and figure out the correct ratios for ultimate taste delight. It’s just roast beef.

11. Oven Roasted Chicken - The most boring warm-meat sandwich you can get here. The plain chicken they have is seemingly for you to dip other sauces onto like ranch or teriyaki. Yet some people who go to Subway are so basic that they are just like, “No thanks. Plain, aggressively unseasoned chicken for me, please!”

10. Rotisserie-Style Chicken - I suppose this is supposed to have more flavor than the oven roasted one, but I’ve never ordered it.  Still, I bet there’s no way this tastes as good as some real rotisserie chicken.

9. Cold Cut Combo - A way to trick grown adults into ordering a bologna sandwich. Well played, Subway. Well played.

8. Spicy Italian - For those of you who enjoy the Italian BMT but think to yourself, “Hey, I wanted to be robbed of one of the ingredients and get less meat.” Why even bother to have this on the menu when they already have the BMT?

7. Steak & Cheese - Cheesesteaks are delicious… but do you really trust the “steak” that comes from Subway? Do you?

6.  Chipotle Cheesesteak - As above, but with a mildly spicy sauce that isn’t really spicy at all, but hey… at least it’s trying!

Behold, a lie with no bacon.

5. Subway Club - Club sandwiches are the best sandwiches, so this could be the best. Unfortunately, this club is a bit of a lie. Club sandwiches have bacon. That’s a fact. This sandwich has ham, turkey and roast beef. Those are all correct. Good work on those, Subway. BUT YOU’RE MISSING THE BACON! Sure, you can add bacon on. But that costs more. So points down for failing to deliver the key club ingredient.

4. Chicken & Bacon Ranch Melt - A standard chicken sandwich can be vastly improved with the addition of ranch. This is not an opinion. This is a fact. Also, bacon my friends. See, Subway Club… that wasn’t that hard, was it?

3. Italian BMT - The best cold sandwich on the menu. Salami. Pepperoni. Ham. Accept no substitutes. And don’t be tricked by the Spicy Italian.

2. Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki - An amazing sandwich, brought forth by the gods who blessed us all with its glorious conception.

1. Meatball Marinara - I am fairly sure that this has to be the least healthy sub on the menu, right?  I know it’s bad loving the least healthy sub on the menu at a place which is all about giving you healthy options and telling you how many calories are in your meal. But meatballs + cheese + marinara sauce + bread  = magic. Also, add in other stuff if you want too, I guess. Hot peppers, for one. Those are the best.