Ed Ranks IBA's "Unforgettable" Cocktails

Hey look, another alcohol ranking everyone!

The International Bartender's Association (IBA) is, and you would probably guess, an international association of bartenders. They created three lists of cocktails that every bartender should know - the "Unforgettable," "Contemporary Classics," and "New Era Drinks."  I guess the Unforgettables are supposed to be the most classic and important drinks. So I'll rank those. Although it's missing a lot of things which I would certainly call Unforgettable.

30. Between the Sheets - A cognac-based drink and why is this drink even on the "Unforgettable" list? With it's annoying, "playful" sexually-hinting name, you'd think it would be more of a "new era" drink. I'm not even going to bother writing down the rest of the ingredients. There is a zero percent chance I would order this drink... so why bother?

29. Angel Face - I've never even heard of this Calvados, gin and apricot brandy drink - so how exactly is that "Unforgettable" when Gin and Tonic isn't on this list anywhere?  I'll forget about it as soon as I'm done with this list. I don't even know what Calvados is. Some type of brandy? Who makes a drink with various fruit brandies? Probably just the old white ladies from "Arsenic and Old Lace."

28. Bacardi - In addition to being a brand of rum, apparently a Bacardi is also a Barcardi-based cocktail with its Carta Blanca variety of rum, mixed with grenadine and lime juice. This is a terrible drink to make because how the hell do you order it? "Bartender, give me a Bacardi." You know what the bartender will do? Pour you a class of Bacardi rum. They will not make you a cocktail.  I have a feeling that the IBA is open to corruption and Barcardi just paid them to put this on the list.

27. John Collins - What the fuck? a JOHN Collins? Not a Tom Collins? I'm not saying that a John Collins doesn't exist... but how exactly could it be listed as an unforgettable drink when the Tom Collins isn't and the Tom Collins is a thousand times more famous? I don't trust the IBA at all now. I thought this was supposed to be some sort of authority.

26. Porto Flip - Brandy, red port wine and an egg yolk? NO. THANK. YOU.

25. Monkey Gland - What an awful name. Gin, orange juice and grenadine that's ruined with Absinthe. I know people think Absinthe is cool and mysterious because it was banned in the U.S. for so many years. But it's really just another intolerable, disgusting licorice drink. Blech.

24. Americano - Campari, vermouth, soda water. Simple enough, although a bit too bitter and herb-ey. Why exactly is this called an Americano? Campari is Italian. How about an Italiano?

23. Clover Club - Gin with raspberry syrup, lemon juice and egg whites? Again, in no way is this "Unforgettable."

22. Paradise - Gin, apricot brandy and orange juice. People used to drink a whole lot of brandy back in the day. Not so much anymore.

Essentially, a drink for 1920s French Whores.

21. Stinger - Cognac and white Crème de Menthe. I would never have either of these in my liquor cabinet, nor order it in a bar. It sounds like the name of some type of Dane Cook sex act.

20. Sidecar - Cognac, triple sec, lemon juice. Meh. Again with the cognac. Turn that cognac into tequila and this would shoot straight up the charts.

19. Negroni - Gin, Campari, red vermouth. Another classic… but I don’t really like Campari.

18. Mary Pickford - Rum, maraschino, grenadine, pineapple juice. You might as well just order some Kool-Aid at this point. You're legally required to put an umbrella in this drink.

17. Alexander - Cognac, créme de cacao, and fresh cream. Who the hell has those three things laying around the house? Nobody, that's who. Is this an alcoholic Yoohoo?

16. Tuxedo - Gin, vermouth, maraschino, Absinthe, bitters. They start off with a perfectly good martini and then mess it up.

15. Derby - Gin, peach bitters, mint leaves. I'm not saying it sounds bad, but I'm not ordering it. Not even at a derby. It gets points for having gin though. I like gin.

14. Screwdriver - The introductory drink for underage kids who are aspiring alcoholics. Vodka and Orange Juice. Simple, but I haven't ordered one since I was 22. Vodka is mainly just garbage alcohol.

13. Casino - Gin, maraschino, orange bitters, lemon juice. Sounds simple and tasty... but it looks like a lady drink. I'd probably make it in private (and really enjoy it) but I wouldn't order it in a bar. Also, it has a dumb name. Are all these drinks really Unforgettable?

12. Aviation - Gin, maraschino, lemon juice. This is simple. I've never ordered it because I assume if I order an "Aviation" in a bar I'll get blank stares back. But it sounds refreshing.

11. White Lady - Gin, triple sec and lemon juice. The ingredients sounds pretty good and refreshing... but how much of a dick would I sound shouting out, "I'd like a white lady" at a bar?

10. Gin Fizz - Gin, syrup, lemon juice, soda water. Okay, but totally inferior to the Ramos version (see below). 

9. Planter's Punch - There are a million ingredients in this, so I'm not even going to name them all. But it's a big, fruity drink and you should only be allowed to order it when you're on a beach somewhere.

8. Daiquiri - Rum, simple syrup, lime juice. Simple. Awesome in either frozen or classic format. Good stuff. I'd pretend like I was ordering it for my wife... but it's really for me.

7. Rusty Nail - Scotch and Drambuie. It's hard to argue that Scotch should be mixed with anything at all, but I guess it's okay if it's some blended malt. This is fairly tasty.

6. Whiskey sour - Bourbon, syrup, lemon juice. I'd rather just have straight bourbon... but this is fine.

5. Sazerac - Okay, I'm going to have to disagree with the IBA here. The IBA says this is made with Cognac. Fuck that. You make a Sazerac with Rye Whiskey. Also, absinthe, a sugar cube, and bitters.  I know I hated on absinthe earlier, but it's allowed in this. A New Orleans classic.

4. Manhattan - Rye whisky, red vermouth, and a dash of bitters. If you order this with standard bourbon instead of rye whisky... I guess I'll allow it. But I'll judge you silently like a pretentious twat.

Throw gin in a glass. Call it a cocktail. Easy.

3. Ramos Gin Fizz - Heavenly manna in a glass. Gin, syrup, lemon, lime, cream, an egg white, orange flower water, vanilla. But so few bartenders have any clue how to make it. It's also fairly laborious. Unless you're in New Orleans. If you're in New Orleans, you've entered the Ramos Gin Fizz zone and all will be right in the world.

2. Old Fashioned - Rye or bourbon (substitutions allowed this time, unlike with the Manhattan), bitters, a sugar cube, and ice.  And the glass you put it in? It's called an "Old Fashioned Glass." What's more iconic than that? It's also delicious.

1. Dry Martini - 6 parts gin, 1 part vermouth. Pretty much the ultimate, classic cocktail. People who order martinis with vodka are garbage people. I'm just saying.