Ed Ranks the Twelve Labors of Hercules (Part 2)

So now we conclude the rankings of the twelve labors of Hercules. Exciting, right?

6. Capture and Bring Back Cerberus

WHOSE A GOOD DOGGO?

For his twelfth and final labor, Hercules had to capture Cerberus, the three-headed hound and guardian of the gates of the underworld. So Hercules went to the underworld and along the way ran into Theseus and Pirithous, who had been imprisoned by Hades because they tried to free Persephone (Hades' niece and unwilling wife). Hercules helped free Theseus because he's an important character in mythology, but couldn't help the other dude because nobody even cares about him. Hercules did something UNTHINKABLE and highly irregular, given his pattern of behavior so far. Rather than continuing to murder his way through his labors - Hercules just decided to go to Hades and ask Hades if he could take Cerberus up for a while. Hades was like, "Yeah, sure. I guess. Just don't use any weapons and bring him back!" So Hercules did that. He tricked Cerberus, tied him up, and brought him to King Eurystheus. Eurystheus was so fucking scared of the three-headed dog that he shit his pants and ran away, telling Hercules to get the dog the hell out of the place and that he'd be forever freed from his labors. And so ended the twelve labors.

Difficulty: 2/10. Capturing a three-headed dog may be difficult for you or me, but Hercules seemed to be able to pretty easily overpower it.

Is this sort of a dick thing to do though? No. For this labor, Hercules learned the value of asking permission and discussing things out with others. Too bad this lesson came on his final labor.

5. Capture the Mares of Diomedes

King Diomedes of Thrace was a jerk. He trained his wild horses to eat human flesh. Hercules went to go claim them. Forgetting that Eurystheus was always disqualifying his labors if he did them with help, Hercules brought along a friend (and/or underage boy sex slave... it was sort of the same thing back then) named Abderus to help him catch the horses. The horses then ate Abderus. Yikes. For revenge, Hercules then fought King Diomedes himself and fed Diomedes to the horses. Anyway, all this delicious and filling human flesh made the horses temporarily lethargic, and so while they took an afternoon horse siesta, Hercules captured them all and bound their mouths shut to take back to Eurystheus.

Difficulty: 7/10. Catching a bunch of wild, crazy, man-eating horses sounds like a giant pain in the ass. It was obviously pretty difficult, as the horses were powerful enough to eat the child that Hercules was molesting. 

Is this sort of a dick thing to do though? Yes. Yes. Yes. This whole story is full of dickery. Bringing a young, inexperienced boy into battle against wild horses that got him killed. Then Hercules doubled-down on that by murdering a king and feeding his flesh to horses. And then he sewed the horses mouths shut like some sort of sick weirdo.

4. Slay the Nemean Lion

Wait... why do this labor naked?

So wow, Hercules' very first labor isn't that nice. Hercules killed a lion? What a dick. He's just like that dentist that killed Cecil the Lion. In fairness to Hercules though, this lion was apparently kidnapping women and holding them as hostages. REALLY? A lion taking hostages? That's not a typical lion M.O. as far as I'm aware. Don't they just eat people? Anyway, this lion also had invincible skin or something. Maybe invincible fur. For that reason Hercules had to strangle it or shoot it in the mouth. Versions of the stories differ.

Difficulty: 8/10. Killing a lion must have been pretty hard back in the day before guns. A lion with invincible fur, none the less.

Is this sort of a dick thing to do though? Yes. Killing lions is a dick thing to do. 

3. Capture the Cretan Bull

Hercules' seventh labor was to capture a giant bull on Crete. Crete is sort of famous for bulls, what with the Minotaur and all. There on Crete, Hercules found King Minos - a guy that was a lot less of a dick than the other dick kings he had to deal with on his labors (like Augeus, Diomedes and Eurystheus). Minos was so cool that he even volunteered to help capture the bull. But Hercules was like, "Naw man, that dick Eurystheus keeps finding reasons to discount my labors so I have to do more, I don't want to give him any more excuses to make me do another one." Anyway, this bull was apparently wreaking havoc around Crete by destroying stuff. Hercules grabbed it by the horns and stopped it pretty easily though, and took it to Eurystheus, who wanted to sacrifice it. But Hera wasn't a fan of that because sacrificing a bull that Hercules caught would give Hercules glory. So they just released it and it wandered off to Marathon.

Difficulty: 4/10. I'm not saying that catching a bull by the horns is EASY. But for Hercules, it didn't really seem that hard.

Is this sort of a dick thing to do though? No. Hercules didn't kill or sacrifice the bull or anything. Although as a sad postscript, Theseus eventually DID sacrifice the bull. That's rough.

2. Clean the Augean Stables in a Day

By the time Hercules had gotten to his fifth labor and captured/killed all sorts of amazing/famous beasts, Eurystheus and Hera were just like, "Forget it. Hercules is great at catching beasts. Let's just humiliate him and make him clean up a lot of feces."  And the animals that lived in these stables were supposedly divine animals, capable of producing divine amounts of feces. Which, I suppose, means a lot of feces. So now we know whether or not immortals shit. The answer is "yes."  Oh, also the stables hadn't been cleaned in 30 years. Which makes me think that King Augeus was a disgusting king that didn't take good care of his holy animals. Hercules was able to clean the stables in just one day though, by re-routing some nearby rivers and using the water to flush all the feces away.

Difficulty: 9/10. Holy crap! (pun intended).  How was Hercules able to reroute rivers? Was he so strong that he pulled the riverbeds into new directions? Or was he a brilliant hyrdro-engineer who understood the intricacies of building canals, dams, etc? If Hercules mastered fluvial geomorphology (including open channel hydraulics, sediment transport, hydrology, physical geology, and riparian ecology) way back in ancient Greek times... then I am impressed.

Is this sort of a dick thing to do though? Absolutely not. Although not his most beloved or famous labor, this was some quality work. And imagine how great those animals must feel now that they no longer live in filth.

1. Slay the Lernaean Hydra

This is practically Hentai.

Hercules' second labor was to kill a hydra. Was the hydra really bothering anyone? Not particularly. In fact it was just a pet. Ah... but whose pet? Hera. As noted, Hera is Hercules' step mom. And Hera was raising the hydra as a pet with the specific purpose of KILLING HERCULES, because she hated him for existing. Yikes. And you thought Cindarella's step mother was a cunt. Anyway, so there Hercules goes and starts cutting off the heads of this hydra and you know what happens? That's right... the heads GROW BACK! Yeah, so this is where that story comes from. So how do you kill a hydra if its heads grow back when you cut them off? Well, apparently ONE of the heads is mortal. So all Hercules had to do was find the right one.

Difficulty: 9/10. Eh, this must have been pretty hard, what with the regenerating head thing and the hydra spitting out poison.

Is this sort of a dick thing to do though? No. The hydra was bred specifically to kill Hercules. It's basically self-defense.