Ed Ranks Vermeer Paintings

There are only 34 paintings that are universally attributed to Dutch Golden Age painter Johannes Vermeer.  Here they are, ranked with some sarcastic bullshit written in their captions.

34. Woman with a Lute - Geez, what happened to this lady's face? Yikes.

33. Portrait of a Young Woman - More like "Portrait of Fucking E.T."

32. Woman in Blue Reading Letter - Did part of her face get destroyed on this painting? What is that splotch?

31. Lady Seated at a Virginal - Another one with a busted face. Sometimes it's like Vermeer just forgot how to paint faces.

30. A Lady Writing a Letter - Her face is sort of blurry. And her yellow skin tone and yellow dress really clash. She might have jaundice.

29. The Little Street - A building? This is pretty boring. Vermeer, you're famous for painting people - not architecture. Go back to people!

28. View of Delft - Same as before. Only this has some water in it so it's a little better. Water is cool. But when it's TOO cool it becomes ice.

27. Girl with a Red Hat - Another blurry-faced girl from a tiny, tiny painting done on a piece of wood.

26. The Girl with the Wineglass - Her grin makes her look like a crazy person.

25. The Procuress - You'd think I'd rank a painting about a brothel pretty high because that's a really interesting and titillating subject for art. But that guy on the left is a total creeper and it's weirding me out.

24. Lady Standing at Virginal - I don't have any specific complaint about this painting. It's just boring. Even the paintings in the background of the painting are boring.

23. The Love Letter - The painting is just too dark. Come on, Johannes. Make them colors pop!

22. The Concert - A little grey and blurry. Also, those floor tiles are messing with my OCD because some of those black tiles should be white, goddamnit.

21. Mistress and Maid - Why the jet black background and spotlight lighting? Is this a painting of a play at the local community theater? 

20. The Milkmaid - Yep, that's a lady pouring milk. You can't argue with this painting name.

19. Lady Writing a Letter with her Maid - This is a well-composed painting and all, but the subject isn't that interesting. She's writing a letter. Big deal. It could just be a check to pay off a credit card bill, for all we know.

18. The Lacemaker - Look at her making lace. You'd think the Louvre would have held out for a better Vermeer than this one (no offense, it's just fine). 

17. Woman with a Water Jug - Nice jugs! Oh wait, it's only singular? That's not as funny. 

16. Woman with a Pearl Necklace - Hehe, "pearl necklace." You get your freak on, gurl.

15. The Guitar Player - She's probably tired of hearing, "PLAY FREEBIRD!!!!"

14. The Allegory of Faith - I mean it's not really an "allegory" anymore if you put a giant crucifixion painting in the background. "Allegories" by definition are supposed to have hidden meanings that you need to interpret. A painting of a pie isn't an allegory of a pie. It's just a pie painting. Also, this pale-ass girl could use a tan. I'm just saying.

13. Christ in the House of Martha and Mary - Wow, this might be the only Vermeer painting that is just straight up a religious scene. I didn't even know he did these. It's also a huge painting and one of Vermeer's earliest.

12. Diana and Her Companions - Speaking of unusual Vermeer paintings - this time he's doing a scene from Greek mythology. This has to be the only one of those, right? This is totally not the usual Vermeer painting of "Woman doing something mundane in contemporary times"

11. Girl Reading a Letter at an Open Window - Look at her reflection in the glass of the window. Nice one there, Vermeer.

10. A Girl Asleep - I love this tablecloth. This lady has got style.

9. The Wine Glass - This lady bout to get DRUNK!

8. Woman Holding a Balance - Nice way to subtly work the Last Judgment into the background, Vermeer. And weighing a balance? That's directly related to Jesus deciding the fate of souls. THAT'S HOW YOU DO ALLEGORY! Take note, painting immediately below.

7. The Allegory of Painting - No, no, no! This is not an allegory! A painting of someone painting is not an allegory of painting. It is just painting! Still, nice painting though. That blue really pops. And great iconography and composition. I'd rank this higher if that title didn't annoy me.

6. The Geographer - Oh wow, a Vermeer with a guy as its subject instead of a lady? And he's doing some science stuff. Neat!

5. The Astronomer - WHOA! This is clearly the same guy again. Only now he's doing different science stuff. He's an astronomer now, not a geographer. What happened to your geography job, dude? Did you get fired? And then you went to a job interview where you tried to explain how your experience mapping the lands made you a perfect candidate to also map the stars? Great work, Vermeer science guy!

4. Girl Interrupted at Her Music - Do you know who is interrupting her? You, the painting viewer. And she's giving you that look. You know the one. The one that says "Hey! Stop staring at me, you gawking moron! I'm trying to do music stuff!"

3. Officer with a Laughing Girl - What's not to like about this painting? We've got a cute girl laughing. We've got a foppish dandy who looks like one of the Three Musketeers. And that map! What a great map! I bet the Geographer from Ranking #6 made that map.

2. The Music Lesson - This painting is so Vermeer that it hurts. Anything you could ever want in a Vermeer painting is in this painting. You've got the windows providing a light source. You've got the young woman. You've got the virginal and music theme. You've got the foppish dandy. You've got the floor title pattern (much more OCD approved than #22). You've got the awesome fabric. You've got the popping of blue from Vermeer's famous use of Ultramarine. No wonder the Brits snatched this painting and have it in their royal collection at Buckingham Palace.

1. Girl with a Pearl Earring - If you couldn't guess that this would be #1, then you just might be an idiot. Or just not into art that much. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.