Ed Ranks Lizzie McGuire Mysteries

Ah, glorious times in television, it was.

From 2004 to 2006, there were a series of children's books featuring Disney Channel's Lizzie McGuire. But instead of being straight up adaptions of the show, these books were all reworked so that Lizzie was a junior detective, solving high school mysteries. All the books feature a logo in the top left corner with the actual Hilary Duff in it, although the main parts of the cover are focused on Lizzie's cartoon narrator counterpart, always dressed up in a trench coat like some true mystery-solver. Seven of these books were published. I am going to rank them whether you like it or not. I have never read these books, so I will rank them based on three factors: 1) cleverness of title, 2) plot synopsis I'm able to find online, and 3) book cover art. Each of those three factors will get five stars possible total, and I'll add up those stars up to rank them. With ties, I just sort them according to my own random preference about the plot.

Here we go!

7. Hands off My Crush-Boy! (Book #4)

• Title Rating: * No, just no. "Crush-Boy" is worse than "She-Geek."
• Plot: Lizzie offers to sign on for some truly grueling undercover work. Her crush-boy, Ethan Craft, has entered this year's Mr. Teen Hottie pageant-and he's in major trouble. Someone is trying to wreck his chances of winning the top spot! Of course, to ferret out the fink, Lizzie will have to pose as Ethan's girlfriend. It's a tough job but somebody's gotta do it, right? (Added bonus: it's sure to seriously annoy Lizzie's arch-rival, Kate Sanders, Queen of Mean!)
• Plot Rating: **** I can actually see this as an episode of the TV show. While the title is awful, I obviously approve of this story of Lizzie living out her vicarious Ethan Craft fetish.
• Cover Art: Detective Lizzy polishing a trophy that says "Hottie of the Year"
• Cover Art Rating: * Ugh. Hottie of the Year? No thanks. Who is running this pageant calling teenage boys "hotties?" Is it other teenagers or adults? If it's adults, the FBI needs to investigate.

6. Case of the Missing She-Geek (Book #3)

What is happening here?

• Title Rating: * "She-Geek" is terrible and should not be written. A female geek is called a "geek," not a "She-Geek."
• Plot:  In a (failed) effort to be cool in school, Lizzie hurts the feelings of major she-geek Audrey Albright. It's a total mistake and Lizzie wants to apologize-but Audrey's disappeared. She was last seen in the girls' room, crying. Then she doesn't come to school for days. With Gordo and Miranda in tow, Lizzie follows a trail of clues to a science-fiction convention, where Larry Tudgeman becomes their guide through the underworld of geekdom. But is Lizzie really ready to go where no cool kid (like ever!) has gone before?
• Plot Rating: ** Lizzie sounds like a bit of an unsympathetic bitch here, but at least she goes on a redemption quest. This story could easily go in the direction of cutting and teenage suicide, but I assume it doesn't.
• Cover Art: Detective Lizzie seductively cradling an Ancient Ionic Greek column that has the word "library" written on its top and base, and which also has a giant pair of glasses dangling from them - a pair of glasses larger than the Greek Ionic column itself.
• Cover Art Rating: **** This is so bat shit crazy that at first I ranked it as just one star before figuring that it was so crazy and dumb of a cover that it was good again instead of bad. Also, it's definitely an Ionic column on the front. I know the difference between Ionic and Doric. It's got the little scroll/snail-shell shape things on them.

5. Spring It On! (Book #7)

• Title Rating: *** I suppose they’re all lead trying with a pun here. It’s not the best pun, but it’s vastly superior to titles with the words “Crush Boy” in them.
• Plot: Spring has sprung at Hillridge Junior High, and that brings the big Spring Fling dance. Unfortunately, disasters begin to spring up as Miranda and Lizzie prepare the gym for the dance, and Lizzie suspects foul play.
• Plot Rating: ** This is a really vague plot, and I’m not exactly sure what to expect from this story. Disasters? Foul play? I wish this could be a big more specific. Is someone trying to sabotage the dance? I would assume so, but the writer was too busy making “spring up” jokes to bother describing the plot.
• Cover Art: Detective Lizzie protecting herself with an umbrella from a giant watering can that is pouring over her. Red and yellow tulips in the background.
• Cover Art Rating: ** The cover makes it seem like this will be a mystery about gardening, rather than a mystery about a school dance. If I gave this to my nonexistent daughter, I assume she’d be disappointed by the lack of a thrilling garden mystery.

4. Case at Camp Get-Me-Outie (Book #2)

Not to be confused with Camp Outdoors

• Title Rating: ** Nope, I'm not a fan of this one at all, but it's definitely not the worst of the book names.
• Plot: Summer vacation is here, and Lizzie's less than thrilled. Why? Because her parents were less than thrilled with her report card-so they're sending her to science camp. Ugh! Luckily, her best friend, Gordo, is going to Camp Bunsen Burner, too-but not because his science grades are weak. He's actually excited about going. Gordo even enters the camp's Best Invention competition. And that's the reason he needs Lizzie's sleuthing help . . . . Someone has stolen Gordo's entry-a brilliant formula for glow-in-the dark mosquito repellent. Is it Larry Tudgeman? Or the suspicious (but very cute!) camp counselor? Or could it be the chemistry teacher himself? Lizzie promises to help Gordo find his formula - and, in return, maybe he'll find a way to get her outie!
• Plot Rating: ** Knowing nothing other than the description above, I'm hoping that this story also hinted towards Gordo's deep sexual attraction to Lizzie that she was oblivious to, but I assume probably not because it's a kid's book. Why would Lizzie be bored by being sent to science camp with one of her closest friends? That seems like it's a plot flaw. And since when is Gordo a brilliant scientist? I don't remember that plot element at all in the show. Errm... not that I watched it, of course. That would be odd. Really, really odd.
• Cover Art: Detective Lizzie starting at a lantern with a Magnifying glass
• Cover Art Rating: *** I'll just call this three stars because there is nothing good or bad about it. I'd assume maybe a lantern has something to do with the plot?

3. Case of the Kate Haters (Book #6) 

• Title Rating: ** If you're familiar with the show, you’ll know that Kate is Lizzy’s quasi enemy. So I guess this could appeal to show watchers. It’s not very witty or catchy though. 
• Plot: Lizzie (almost) feels sorry for Kate Sanders. Her ex-best friend has suddenly fallen from snobby cheer queen to laughingstock. The big pep rally she organized was a total disaster--and Kate is certain someone is out to get her. Lizzie figures there are a zillion suspects. Who hasn't been dissed by Kate? The pranks get worse, and no one is cheering anymore. There's only one way for Lizzie to be true to her school: grab Miranda and Gordo, and find, find, find that culpriit!
• Plot Rating: **** Oh-ho! How the tables have turned! Kate the enemy now must rely on Lizzy to help her out and clear her name. And there are so many suspects because Kate is such a cunt! Why relegate this story to just a book? This should have been an episode of the show.
• Cover Art: Detective Lizzie with pom poms, cheering atop the image of a yellow, plastic, cheer megaphone
• Cover Art Rating: ** It’s a little difficult to tell what the megaphone is and it’s odd that a story all about Kate doesn’t even get a picture of Kate on the cover. I guess it’s suitable for a cheer-leading story though.

2. In the Doghouse (Book #5)

• Title Rating: **** This is fine and I guess even slightly witty for a dog-walking mystery. At first I only gave it three stars, but I’ll be generous.
• Plot: To raise money for an animal shelter, Lizzie starts her own dog-walking business. When someone lets the dogs out of the McGuires' backyard, can Lizzie track down the lost dogs and sniff out the guilty party?
• Plot Rating: *** Sure, this plot sounds okay. I’m just worried that “someone letting the dogs out” was just a plot inspired by that horrible, horrible song.
• Cover Art: Detective Lizzy shrugging her shoulders atop images of two dogs and multiple question marks.
• Cover Art Rating: ** Eh, this gets the point across of what the story is about, but the stock photos of dogs aren’t that creative.

1. Get a Clue! (Book #1)

Basically a Young Miss Marple.

• Title Rating: **** Straight to the point. A good title for a teenage girl-based detective story.
• Plot: Someone has been leaving creepy notes in lockers, notebooks, and knapsacks all over school, with messages like "I Know What You Did Last Week." Students are getting really annoyed. And the notes all appear to be written by one person-Lizzie McGuire! But who would want to frame Lizzie for such a totally bizarro prank? Time for Lizzie to track down the guilty party before she's exiled to Loser-ville forever!
• Plot Rating: *** The "accused of a crime you're innocent of and have to prove your innocence" is a good way to logically introduce Lizzie into the mystery-solving business, albeit somewhat cliche. Although I though the plot of this show already implied that Lizzie and her friends were unpopular dorks, so I'm not sure how she could further be exiled to Loser-ville.
• Cover Art: Cartoon Detective Lizzie looming inquisitive while hanging out half-inside of a purple book bag.
• Cover Art Rating: *** Being in a book bag is okay, I suppose. It puts forward the idea that she's in school. But it's also weird because it's the small cartoon Lizzie half-way inside the bag. Is it a normal size bag and cartoon Lizzie is tiny? Is cartoon Lizzie normal-sized but the bag giant? I assume the former, but whatever.