Ed Ranks the Potential Causes of Death of Cyrus the Great

Cyrus the Great's flag, the Shahbaz (royal falcon)

Cyrus II of Persia, aka "the Great" was the founder of the Achaemenid Empire and one of the baddest mofos to ever live. If you're American it's likely you know very little about him because the "world history" taught in school is generally just "White people history." Even when it's not, for the last 40 years America hasn't had the best relationship with Iran and therefore historic Persian figures aren't exactly a focus. Cyrus created the largest empire that had ever existed (up to his time, it's since been surpassed a number of times and only clocks in at #19).

You can learn all about the awesome things he did when he lived, but this list is not about that. It's about how he died. Needless to say, historical records in circa 530BC weren't the most accurate. So there are a number of different accounts about how he died. Here are the top five historical accounts of how Cyrus II died, ranked by how awesome the story is (not by how plausible it is, which would be boring - although I will give my opinion on plausibility).

5. Died at home peacefully as an old man

Story by: Xenophon of Athens, Athenian "gentleman-soldier" and student of Socrates

The Story: If anyone should be able to tell a great story about the amazing Cyrus the Great, it should be Xenophon, who wrote the Cyropaedia, a biography of Cyrus. In it he explains that Cyrus lived  to be an old man. While he was in his palace back in Persia sleeping, he had a vision from the gods telling him he would soon join them. So he started making sacrifices, performed all the necessary rites, summoned his children and magistrates to give epic speeches to about the nature of life, gave instructions for his burial, and readied all sorts of other things to be in order. His last words began with him saying that they were his last words and he told everyone to be good to their friends, punish their enemies, and then bid everyone farewell. Pretty damn boring.

Plausibility: 1/10. I just don't see Cyrus living to be an old man. Maybe the concept of living to be an old man is a 5/10 plausibility by itself - but all this garbage about him philosophizing about his own death and having his last words be about him dying makes me think that Xenophon was probably a worse writer than Stephenie Meyer.

4. Killed by wife

Story by: Michael the Syrian, a 12th Century AD Syriac Patriarch of Antioch

The Story: Michael the Syrian dedicates one single line in his famous Chronicle to Cyrus, simply stating that Cyrus was killed by his wife, a woman named "Tomyris." Not much, but at least it's more interesting than dying as an old man.

Plausibility: 1/10. Ever play the game "Telephone?" Michael the Syrian's account of Cyrus is clearly the result of a game of telephone that lasted well over a thousand years. His account is obviously derivative of a longer and better version of the story told by Herodotus (more on that version below). Usually when you re-tell a story over and over it gets more awesome. In this case the opposite happened, and everything cool about the original version was stripped away.

3. Shot by archers

Story by: Berossus, 3rd Century BC Babylonian writer and priest

The Story: This version of the story isn't that long, as Berossus never spent a great deal of time talking about Cyrus. In his simple retelling of the story, Cyrus met his death while warring against Dahae (a confederation of three tribes – the Parni, Xanthii and Pissuri – living in what is modern Turkmenistan) archers northwest of the headwaters of the river Syr Darya.

Plausibility: 7/10.  Sure, sounds completely plausible that a militaristic ruler who leads battles himself would get killed in battle by archers. But the lack of any detail or specifics beyond this doesn't overwhelm me with evidence.

2. Mortally wounded by javelin in rebellion

Story by: Ctesias the Cnidian, 5th century BC Greek physician and historian who lived in the palace of Persian king Artaxerxes II

The Story: The exact text of Ctesias's Persica is, unfortunately, lost to history but a general summary of what Persica contained can be discerned from fragments and quotations of it by other authors. Supposedly, Amoraeus, the leader of the Derbices (a small tribe located near the northern Iranian Plateau) led a rebellion against Cyrus and the Persians. Cyrus struck back at them, but the Derbices were allied with other forces including the Indians who brought with them war elephants that ambushed the Persians. Retreating, Cyrus fell from his horse and was mortally wounded by an Indian solider who put a javelin through his thigh. He was carried back to his camp where he addresses his men and gave some speeches, pretty similar to the boring speeches cited by Xenophon (and probably Xenophon's source).

Plausibility: 7/10. Ctesias's account is the longest and most detailed. It's also one of the earliest accounts, and it comes from a person who actually lived in Persia. Still, not everyone is sold on the historic reliability of Ctesias. Greek satirist and rhetorician Lucian blasted Ctesias as an unreliable liar. Still, the story doesn't ring as completely unbelievable, although perhaps embellished.

1. Killed in the most fierce battle in all history by the forces of the woman he once tried to marry, but who rejected him, so he declared war on her and laid a sneaky ass trick to get her best general (who also happened to be her son) so drunk that he committed suicide. Also, she decapitated his corpse and force-fed human blood to his severed head.

Story by: Herodotus, the "Father of History"

Probably not the worst way to die.

The Story: Yeah, the title of this one is almost long enough to explain the whole thing already - but let me provide a bit more detail.  According to Herodotus, Cyrus wanted to acquire the territory of the Massagetae (a large Eastern Iranian nomadic confederation ranging east of the Caspian sea in land that is now parts of modern Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan, and Kazakhstan). Rather than go to war, he figured that he'd instead propose a marriage alliance to their ruler, Tomyris.  Tomyris wanted none of that and rejected the offer. Cyrus then figured he'd have to take Massagetae the old fashioned way with war and readied one of the largest forces in all history for an invasion. Tomyris then apparently tried to set up a planned battle very formally so they could have an honorable war, but Cyrus was aware that the Massagetae people were unfamiliar with alcohol. He therefore purposefully lost the battle by sending in his shittiest soldiers to get massacred, simply so that the Massagetae army (led by general Spargapises, the son of Tomyris) would capture their wine and drink it. And Cyrus's plan worked! The Massagetae won, captured the spoils of war and were like, "Hey, what's this red liquid here we just stole from the Persians? Better drink it!" They all then got super drunk and then the REAL Persian army swooped in and defeated the Massagetae, capturing Spargapises.  Spargapises was so ashamed with his drunkenness losing the battle that he then killed himself after the Persians released him. Tomyris then swore bloody vengeance and led the next battle herself in a huge and epic brawl--the biggest ever, supposedly--that ended with Cyrus's death. Afterwards, Tomyris herself decapitated him and shoved his severed head into a wineskin filled with human blood while shouting, "I warned you that I would quench your thirst for blood, and so I shall!"

Plausibility: 2/10. No way is this story all true. But hopefully at least some tiny part of it is. Herodotus has been called, since Cicero, the "Father of History." But he's also called the "Father of Lies." He often just made shit up. This one is too good to not be entirely made up. Even Herodotus sort of calls bullshit on himself when recounting the story, by admitting that it was only one version of the story that was told to him by a "reliable source," but who also admitted that nobody was actually there to see the aftermath. The only thing that the Herodotus tale has going for it is that it's (like Ctesias) one of the earliest versions of the story, as Cyrus died c. 530 BC and Herodotus lived c. 484–c. 425 BC, a mere hundred years later.  But you can obviously tell I don't care how plausible this version of the story is, as the only reason I even did this ranking was to tell this story.