This does not include greatest hits or live albums, of which Aerosmith has a huge number. In fact, they have five live albums and twelve greatest hits or other compilation albums. Meaning they have more of those albums than they actually have normal albums. Geez.
15. Rock in a Hard Place (1982) - Oh ironic album name! This is the only Aerosmith album not to feature Joe Perry. That's right, an Aerosmith album without Joe Perry. Which is barely an Aerosmith album at all. Brad Whitford wasn't technically "in" Aerosmith either during this album, as he left while it was being recorded (although his guitar is featured). A total of zero songs from this album get any radio play, ever. It's just awful. I don't remember what content of the VH1 "Behind the Music" episode of Aerosmith was, but I assume that 1982 must be the part of the episode with the cryptic sad music talking about how this point was the lowest of the low.
14. Night in the Ruts (1979) - 1979 wasn't much better for Aerosmith than 1982 was. During the making of this album is when Joe Perry left, although he still appears on most of it. This is the beginning of Aerosmith spiraling out of control on drugs with rampant in-fighting and deadlines from Columbia Records that they couldn't make - causing them to rush out some garbage to stay relevant. Lost cause though, by 1979 Aerosmith clearly no longer was relevant.
13. Done with Mirrors (1985) - Some people probably rank this album higher as it was a "comeback" album after their fall in the late 70's and the first half of the 80's. Perry and Whitford returned to the band. But if your album sucks and has no memorable songs - is it really a comeback? No. How many times have you heard "Sheila" played on the radio since 1985? Zero. This album came out in the height of the music video era and MTV but none of the songs ever got a video. It would take until the next year --1986-- for a little group from Hollis, Queens to save Aerosmith's asses from obscurity and bring them back for real.
12. Music from Another Dimension! (2012) - Aerosmith are the comeback kids! From the late 70's until the mid 80's they were as antiquated and meaningless to popular music as a tights-wearing lute player or a kid in Menudo after his balls drop. But it all changed in the latter half of the 80's where hit after hit and album after album came for Aerosmith. That lasted well over a decade but finally in the 2000's they began struggling again. Without a single album of new, original material since 2001 - Aerosmith tried yet another comeback in 2012 with this album. As before, it followed a period of drug addition (at least with Steven Tyler) and in-fighting. Surely they could do another comeback though, right? Nah. The best they did is have some moderate radio play for "Legendary Child" song, but that lasted like a week. Nothing memorable at all here and probably just a final sign that they should hang it all up.
11. Honkin' on Bobo (2004) - Although, I just noted that Aerosmith hadn't had an album of new, original material since 2001, in 2004 they did have this album where they covered old blues standards. For a rock band that always deeply inspired by the blues - this should have been a lot better. But Aerosmith should have known better than to try to cross genres. At heart, they are a rock band that is a little bluesey - NOT an actual blues band.
10. Just Push Play (2001) - "Jaded" was okay (or maybe I'm just saying that because Mila Kunis was in the music video) and "Just Push Play" was veering Aerosmith dangerously away from rock and well into "pop." Also recall that 2001 was the same year that Aerosmith did the Super Bowl with Britney Spears and 'N SYNC. Aerosmith wasn't the only rock band of this era doing this. This album came just a year after U2 released "Beautiful Day." After the whole 1990s alt/grunge thing was starting to die out at the turn of the millennium - a lot of rock musicians didn't know what to do with themselves. This was the beginning of the end for Aersomith. Or at least so it appears now. Who knows. They said the same thing back in the 70's.
9. Nine Lives (1997) - The rebirth of Aerosmith through the 80's and 90's happened when they dropped from Colombia music and signed with Geffen. During that era, Aerosmith was bigger than they ever were before. But come the mid-90's, Aerosmith attempted to try to recapture their 70's era magic in a bottle again and re-signed with Colombia. I honestly like a handful of the songs on this album, but it's just not as good as any of their earliest Colombia albums or a single one of the Geffen albums (excluding Done with Mirrors). Both "Pink" and "Falling in Love (Is Hard on the Knees)" hit #1 on the Billboard Mainstream Rock charts - but the former was an worrisome harbinger of the overly pop direction that they were heading in.
8. Draw the Line (1977) - There are some mixed feelings about this one out there. While Rolling Stone called it "a truly horrendous record," Kerrang! once called it the 37th greatest "Metal" album ever (which honestly makes me question how Kerrang! defines metal). The general consensus is that it's got some okay rock songs on it, but Aerosmith was truly in decline by this time. Why? Drugs, obviously. I mean the name of the album is clearly a reference to doing cocaine. The titular song on the album is the best song and the only one which really passes from "okay" into "great." The forgettable (and concept album-ey) "Kings and Queens" was the only other song on the album that was released as a single, and it charted poorly.
7. Rocks (1976) - "Back in the Saddle" and "Lost Child" are legendary and solid damn hits. "Nobody's Fault" is probably one of Aerosmith's heaviest songs (which I suppose could confuse Kerrang! into calling them metal) and is well-beloved by many even though it doesn't get much radio play. "Home Tonight" was a power ballad single that nobody remembers or cares about. There are really no bad songs on the album, but none of the others are that memorable either.
6. Get Your Wings (1974) - "Train Kept A-Rollin", "Seasons of Wither", "Same Ol' Song and Dance." Three great songs, all from Aerosmith's second album. But other than those not too much unless you'd want to play in heavy rotation unless you really like being inundated with the innuendo and puns contained within "Lord of the Thighs" and "Pandora's Box." Which, on second thought, of course you would. This is Aerosmith we're talking about. That's kind of Steven Tyler's thing. Who else can make the word "sassafras" sound so sexual? And the best thing about Steven Tyler innuendo is it's the least subtle innuendo of all time.
5. Permanent Vacation (1987) - 1986's comeback thanks to Run-D.M.C.would have been meaningless if Aerosmith didn't keep the momentum going with a killer album. Fortunately for them, Permanent Vacation was that killer album. "Dude (Looks Like A Lady)", "Rag Doll", and "Angel" are the mega-hits you'll be most familiar with. Aerosmith was back and eleventy billion times bigger than they ever were in the 70's. "Hangman Jury" was a single that never became as big, but still has an amazing old school blues refrain, and the eponymous "Permanent Vacation" is a good jam too.
4. Aerosmith (1973) - Hey, there would be no Aerosmith without their first album. And while "Dream On" is really the only song that the majority of people have heard of from this album, I'd be remiss if I didn't point out that "Mama Kin" is one of the most legendary and influential songs in rock history. "Good evening people, welcome to the show" is the first line of "Make It," the first Aerosmith song on the first Aerosmith album, is an excellent intro to the band. Until their Honkin' On Bobo cover album, this really was Aerosmith's most bluesey record with songs written by Tyler and Perry that sounded like old blues standards, even though they weren't (well, except for "Walking the Dog").
3. Pump (1989) - ALL KILLER, NO FILLER! It's hard to believe that "Janie's Got a Gun" never made it to #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 (it only made it to #9), or even the Billboard Mainstream Rock chart (it came in #2). "Love In An Elevator", "What It Takes", and "The Other Side" did track #1 on the Rock charts though. I love "F.I.N.E.", even though it was never really a huge hit (it did chart though). There are so many hits on this album you'd think it must have ratted on Raymond Patriarca. It's a freakin' hit machine. In 1989, Aerosmith could do no wrong.
2. Get a Grip (1993) - I know having Aerosmith's biggest three Geffen albums rank above Rocks and Get Your Wings will be offensive to those who hold the 70's classic rock-era Aerosmith in regard above all else. Whatever, forget those people. I was born in the early 80's and without Get a Grip I would probably never care enough about Aerosmith to rank anything about them. This album ensured they stuck around as a 90's band and weren't sucked down the drain with the hair metal movement. In 1993 and 1994 I played my Get a Grip cassette tape (yes, that's right... I said cassette tape) so much that I'm sure I warped the ribbon and by the end the songs didn't play at the right speed anymore. "Livin' on the Edge" is still my favorite Aerosmith song. But even I got tired of hearing "Cryin'" on the radio and seeing it on MTV every 20 minutes. It was a great song, but I got so damn done with it. "Amazing", "Eat the Rich", "Fever", and "Crazy" were also all Top 10 hits on the Rock charts. Honestly the only negative thing I have to say about this album is it has a couple of filler songs and also "Walk on Down." Nobody wants to hear you sing, Joe Perry. Even your own mom probably just wants to hear Tyler.
1. Toys in the Attic (1975) - Obviously the album that brought us "Sweet Emotion", "Walk this Way" and "Big Ten Inch" is the best album. This is the album that made Aerosmith into the Aerosmith we all know. It's still their most commercially successful album, having sold eight million copies. There are no bad songs on this album at all and after 40 years it's still amazingly listenable. And Steven Tyler can deny it all he wants, but nobody will ever believe his lies that he's saying "Cept for" rather than "Suck on" his big ten inch. He was doing so much heroin - how would he even know what he said?
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| Like a brown tree snake in Guam you're legally required to burn this album on sight. |
14. Night in the Ruts (1979) - 1979 wasn't much better for Aerosmith than 1982 was. During the making of this album is when Joe Perry left, although he still appears on most of it. This is the beginning of Aerosmith spiraling out of control on drugs with rampant in-fighting and deadlines from Columbia Records that they couldn't make - causing them to rush out some garbage to stay relevant. Lost cause though, by 1979 Aerosmith clearly no longer was relevant.
13. Done with Mirrors (1985) - Some people probably rank this album higher as it was a "comeback" album after their fall in the late 70's and the first half of the 80's. Perry and Whitford returned to the band. But if your album sucks and has no memorable songs - is it really a comeback? No. How many times have you heard "Sheila" played on the radio since 1985? Zero. This album came out in the height of the music video era and MTV but none of the songs ever got a video. It would take until the next year --1986-- for a little group from Hollis, Queens to save Aerosmith's asses from obscurity and bring them back for real.
12. Music from Another Dimension! (2012) - Aerosmith are the comeback kids! From the late 70's until the mid 80's they were as antiquated and meaningless to popular music as a tights-wearing lute player or a kid in Menudo after his balls drop. But it all changed in the latter half of the 80's where hit after hit and album after album came for Aerosmith. That lasted well over a decade but finally in the 2000's they began struggling again. Without a single album of new, original material since 2001 - Aerosmith tried yet another comeback in 2012 with this album. As before, it followed a period of drug addition (at least with Steven Tyler) and in-fighting. Surely they could do another comeback though, right? Nah. The best they did is have some moderate radio play for "Legendary Child" song, but that lasted like a week. Nothing memorable at all here and probably just a final sign that they should hang it all up.
11. Honkin' on Bobo (2004) - Although, I just noted that Aerosmith hadn't had an album of new, original material since 2001, in 2004 they did have this album where they covered old blues standards. For a rock band that always deeply inspired by the blues - this should have been a lot better. But Aerosmith should have known better than to try to cross genres. At heart, they are a rock band that is a little bluesey - NOT an actual blues band.
10. Just Push Play (2001) - "Jaded" was okay (or maybe I'm just saying that because Mila Kunis was in the music video) and "Just Push Play" was veering Aerosmith dangerously away from rock and well into "pop." Also recall that 2001 was the same year that Aerosmith did the Super Bowl with Britney Spears and 'N SYNC. Aerosmith wasn't the only rock band of this era doing this. This album came just a year after U2 released "Beautiful Day." After the whole 1990s alt/grunge thing was starting to die out at the turn of the millennium - a lot of rock musicians didn't know what to do with themselves. This was the beginning of the end for Aersomith. Or at least so it appears now. Who knows. They said the same thing back in the 70's.
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| An album cover that couldn't possibly offend anyone. |
8. Draw the Line (1977) - There are some mixed feelings about this one out there. While Rolling Stone called it "a truly horrendous record," Kerrang! once called it the 37th greatest "Metal" album ever (which honestly makes me question how Kerrang! defines metal). The general consensus is that it's got some okay rock songs on it, but Aerosmith was truly in decline by this time. Why? Drugs, obviously. I mean the name of the album is clearly a reference to doing cocaine. The titular song on the album is the best song and the only one which really passes from "okay" into "great." The forgettable (and concept album-ey) "Kings and Queens" was the only other song on the album that was released as a single, and it charted poorly.
7. Rocks (1976) - "Back in the Saddle" and "Lost Child" are legendary and solid damn hits. "Nobody's Fault" is probably one of Aerosmith's heaviest songs (which I suppose could confuse Kerrang! into calling them metal) and is well-beloved by many even though it doesn't get much radio play. "Home Tonight" was a power ballad single that nobody remembers or cares about. There are really no bad songs on the album, but none of the others are that memorable either.
6. Get Your Wings (1974) - "Train Kept A-Rollin", "Seasons of Wither", "Same Ol' Song and Dance." Three great songs, all from Aerosmith's second album. But other than those not too much unless you'd want to play in heavy rotation unless you really like being inundated with the innuendo and puns contained within "Lord of the Thighs" and "Pandora's Box." Which, on second thought, of course you would. This is Aerosmith we're talking about. That's kind of Steven Tyler's thing. Who else can make the word "sassafras" sound so sexual? And the best thing about Steven Tyler innuendo is it's the least subtle innuendo of all time.
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| Everything in this picture is a fine tattoo choice. |
4. Aerosmith (1973) - Hey, there would be no Aerosmith without their first album. And while "Dream On" is really the only song that the majority of people have heard of from this album, I'd be remiss if I didn't point out that "Mama Kin" is one of the most legendary and influential songs in rock history. "Good evening people, welcome to the show" is the first line of "Make It," the first Aerosmith song on the first Aerosmith album, is an excellent intro to the band. Until their Honkin' On Bobo cover album, this really was Aerosmith's most bluesey record with songs written by Tyler and Perry that sounded like old blues standards, even though they weren't (well, except for "Walking the Dog").
3. Pump (1989) - ALL KILLER, NO FILLER! It's hard to believe that "Janie's Got a Gun" never made it to #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 (it only made it to #9), or even the Billboard Mainstream Rock chart (it came in #2). "Love In An Elevator", "What It Takes", and "The Other Side" did track #1 on the Rock charts though. I love "F.I.N.E.", even though it was never really a huge hit (it did chart though). There are so many hits on this album you'd think it must have ratted on Raymond Patriarca. It's a freakin' hit machine. In 1989, Aerosmith could do no wrong.
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| This was super edgy in 1993. |
1. Toys in the Attic (1975) - Obviously the album that brought us "Sweet Emotion", "Walk this Way" and "Big Ten Inch" is the best album. This is the album that made Aerosmith into the Aerosmith we all know. It's still their most commercially successful album, having sold eight million copies. There are no bad songs on this album at all and after 40 years it's still amazingly listenable. And Steven Tyler can deny it all he wants, but nobody will ever believe his lies that he's saying "Cept for" rather than "Suck on" his big ten inch. He was doing so much heroin - how would he even know what he said?
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