Electric guitars are cool. So how about I rank them, huh? Note that I'm no technical expert on guitars, nor how to play them. So I'm pretty much basing my rankings on by how cool they look. So if you come at with me with some shit like, "No way that ranking sucks because the humbuckers on that guitar are inferior to BLAH BLAH" I will not care.
I'm not putting images for them all. So, you know, just Google most of them.
Last Place: Any Hideous Multi-Necked Guitar
No. Never. These are gimmicky trash. I know a lot of famous and very talented guitarists have played them. Jimmy Page? Some probably think he's the greatest of all time... but I want to set that hideous double-necked GS of his on fire. You don’t need to use a double-necked guitar in the studio, because you can record on different guitars at different times. And you don’t need to use one in a live concert because if you need to switch between lead and 12-string (or bass, or whatever your mix is)… then get another guitarist to play the other guitar. There are so many struggling artists out there who need a gig. Help a brother or sister out by letting them play those parts. Don’t be that guitar hog who does everything yourself. If you have a song that requires multiple types of guitars to be used during a performance… have… multiple… guitarists.
12. B.C. Rich Mockingbird
This guitar really wants to look cool, but is in fact very ugly. The Wikipedia page for it shows a picture of Slash playing it, but that's just a ploy. Slash would never play that thing. It is not cool. Must be Photoshop or something.
11. Ibanez Iceman
Speaking of ugly fucking guitars, just what the hell is going on with the fishhook/penis on this thing? Sorry Paul Stanley, your guitar is retched and KISS is lowest common denominator in all of rock music.
10. Gibson Firebird
I guess you could play this guitar if you're in a jazz band. But nobody learns to play the electric guitar so they can be in a jazz band. You wanna be a rock star, don't you? Nobody will ever become a rock star playing this thing. It looks like a Gibson Explorer that's been smoothed down to have no offending, jagged edges. This is the Ford Edsel of guitars.
9. Gibson SG
I think I read somewhere once that the SG is Gibson’s top-selling model, and I cannot understand why. Yeah, yeah, I know Angus Young plays it. Those pointy horns though. They are ugly. Don't try to tell me they are not. And this thing is waaaaaaaaaaaaay too symmetrical. I don’t like it. Too symmetrical and too pointed. If there is a cutaway on the top (as there is for many electric guitars), the horns and cutaways on the top and bottom need to look different, in my opinion. When the top half and bottom half are identical... I dunno... it looks dumb. Or like it's some cheap-o guitar made so it can more easily swap between righties and lefties. I’m sorry, people who bought this. This is ugly. Which means I'm sorry to almost everyone, since it’s apparently one of the best selling guitars. I don’t get it.
8. [Charvel?] Star
Up until just writing this I thought Jackson Guitars were the first to commercially release the star-shaped guitar, so I was going to call this "Jackson Star." But now after a tiny bit o research, it looks like it was Charvel. Whatever. Lots of companies make versions of basically this same shape - pretty much the result of a Gibson Explorer and Flying V having sex with one another. Apparently Eddie Van Halen's shark guitar was the inspiration for these. Does it look cool? Yeah, sure. Stars are cool-looking. Good work on this one, Eddie Van Halen. Looks like you might know a thing or two about guitars. By the way, "Charvel Star" sounds like it would be a great stripper/pornstar name if it hasn't been taken yet.
7. B.C. Rich Warlock
You know what? As opposed to the Mockingbird, I'm going to say the Warlock actually looks kinda cool. I like the jagged shape. I think it’s an attractive, interesting, aggressive-looking guitar. I think if you want some devil-ey looking guitar, you should go with this instead of that dumb, symmetrical GS with its lame devil horns. The only problem with the Warlock is that it’s probably too associated with hair metal. Could someone in a rock or metal band today play it and look badass? Maybe. But in the back of my head, I’d still be thinking about Lita Ford gyrating against it.
6. Fender Telecaster
The Telecaster is the boring, white-bread cousin of the awesome Stratocaster. The Telecaster is simply less sexy looking. It also has a hideous pick guard. I mean just look at that pick guard. That straight line really bothers me. I guess this thing would be fine to go with if you have no pick guard or with a custom pick guard that looks different. But not this. Well, now you know my two guitar pet peeves - being too symmetrical (the Telecaster is fine in this regard because it doesn't really have a top cutaway) and having an ugly pick guard (the Telecaster is an unrelenting, monstrous war criminal in this regard). Despite the boringness and the pick guard, it is... well... a classic.
5. Gibson Flying V
It’s super metal. You can definitely be a rock star playing this. I always visualize Jimmy Hendrix playing it between his legs. Really it looks a lot like an airplane with two wings (hence the flying), so you're probably going to want to buy a gray one, slap a Decepticon sticker on it, and name it "Starscream." Do I have a problem with it though? Yes! Too symmetrical! I think the two "wings" on the V should be different sizes. So really, you shouldn't get a traditional Flying V. Maybe... like... an ESP Arrow or something like that? I dunno. One of those copycat guitars that almost looks like a Flying V, but isn't quite. Just don't get one that looks too much like the Star Trek insignia like Gibson's "Modern Flying V", because then that would be weird.
4. Gibson ES-335
Solid-bodied guitars are the go-to guitars of modern rock and metal because, well, hollow-bodies are designed to naturally create amplification without electric power. The natural amplification plus electric guitar pickup amplification sometimes leads to distortion and feedback in a bad (rather than good) way. Some describe the sound as "sludgier." Thus, hollow bodies and semi-hollow bodies (as the ES-335 is) aren't really all that common in rock these days (and this is the only non solid-body on my ranks). And it also has another problem. Look how symmetrical the top and bottom are! Ugh! Same top and bottom cutaway! Well... you know what? This time that doesn't matter. I mean just look at this thing! This is the most guitar-ey looking guitar that has ever existed. And I'm pretty sure that if you buy one of these in a deep, cherry red wood stain, and play it... you will AUTOMATICALLY TRANSFORM INTO CHUCK BERRY AND GAIN HIS POWERS. Also, this guitar is really cool because who doesn't like saying the words, "Electric Spanish" together?
3. Gibson Les Paul
If any guitar is in the running for the greatest electric guitar of all time, it’s probably the Les Paul. But this is Ed Ranks Everything, and Les Pauls aren't really "me." Why not? Well, if the Les Paul has one fatal error, it's that it doesn't have a whammy bar. Boooooo! That's no fun at all. Whammy bars are THE BEST! Don't get me wrong, it is really awesome, so I'll put it at #3. It has a classic, blues-ey look pointing at the roots of rock while still somehow also feeling metal. They're especially metal looking in a solid color. The woodgrain ones are more famous and classic... but don't even try to pull that shit off unless your name is "Slash." In fact, I'm not even sure why this guitar is still named a "Les Paul." Let's be honest here, Slash took ownership over this guitar ages ago. Nobody remembers who the fuck Les Paul is anyway, so let's just rename this the Gibson Slash and be done with the pretense. Also, in contrast to the Telecaster... look at this pick guard! HOLY SHIT, WHAT AN ATTRACTIVE PICK GUARD! Triangular but with nice, rounded edges? This is probably the best pick guard that exists. Good work, Slash. Uhh, I mean... Les Paul.
2. Gibson Explorer
The explorer is as metal as metal can be. It’s cool… and again… asymmetrical, rather than symmetrical. Which I really dig. That angle. That's what makes it better than a Flying V. James Hetfield is, I gotta think, the ultimate Explorer player and the person most associated with them, right? But be warned, people... this guitar only looks cool in a solid, glossy color like black or red. I’ve seen stained woodgrain ones and I do not feel those at all. Anyone who gets a "natural" woodgrain Gibson Explorer is a fool. Nobody gives a shit that your guitar's body is a fine, solid mahogany. Paint that shit jet black and... uhh... slap a Decepticon sticker on it and name it Skywarp. Really, all guitars should be named after Decepticon seeker jets. Except Dirge. Dirge is lame.
1. Fender Stratocaster
The Stratocaster is the guitar of all guitars. It's classic and yet still very much modern. See that pick guard? Nice looking! See those top and bottom horns and cutaways? They are nicely asymmetrical as any decent, God-fearing guitar should be! Everyone plays the Stratocaster and everyone always will play the Stratocaster because it is THE electric guitar. And now... a very special note on "Super Strats!" I'm just going to include them as a subset of Stratocasters. It's a nebulous term because it refers to all sorts of custom almost Stratocaster lookin' guitars from different companies and in different exact shapes (typically with somewhat pointier horns than the traditional Strat). Once again, Eddie Van Halen is the likely person to blame given that his "Frankenstrat" gave rise to Super Strats. Given that the variations on Super Strats are near endless, it would be hard to say what variety looks the best. Honestly, I think the classic Strat with is less pointy horns is the best.
I'm not putting images for them all. So, you know, just Google most of them.
Last Place: Any Hideous Multi-Necked Guitar
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| More necks still won't get you un-fired from Metallica, Dave. |
12. B.C. Rich Mockingbird
This guitar really wants to look cool, but is in fact very ugly. The Wikipedia page for it shows a picture of Slash playing it, but that's just a ploy. Slash would never play that thing. It is not cool. Must be Photoshop or something.
11. Ibanez Iceman
Speaking of ugly fucking guitars, just what the hell is going on with the fishhook/penis on this thing? Sorry Paul Stanley, your guitar is retched and KISS is lowest common denominator in all of rock music.
10. Gibson Firebird
I guess you could play this guitar if you're in a jazz band. But nobody learns to play the electric guitar so they can be in a jazz band. You wanna be a rock star, don't you? Nobody will ever become a rock star playing this thing. It looks like a Gibson Explorer that's been smoothed down to have no offending, jagged edges. This is the Ford Edsel of guitars.
9. Gibson SG
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| It looks like the devil. A bit too on the nose, huh? |
8. [Charvel?] Star
Up until just writing this I thought Jackson Guitars were the first to commercially release the star-shaped guitar, so I was going to call this "Jackson Star." But now after a tiny bit o research, it looks like it was Charvel. Whatever. Lots of companies make versions of basically this same shape - pretty much the result of a Gibson Explorer and Flying V having sex with one another. Apparently Eddie Van Halen's shark guitar was the inspiration for these. Does it look cool? Yeah, sure. Stars are cool-looking. Good work on this one, Eddie Van Halen. Looks like you might know a thing or two about guitars. By the way, "Charvel Star" sounds like it would be a great stripper/pornstar name if it hasn't been taken yet.
7. B.C. Rich Warlock
You know what? As opposed to the Mockingbird, I'm going to say the Warlock actually looks kinda cool. I like the jagged shape. I think it’s an attractive, interesting, aggressive-looking guitar. I think if you want some devil-ey looking guitar, you should go with this instead of that dumb, symmetrical GS with its lame devil horns. The only problem with the Warlock is that it’s probably too associated with hair metal. Could someone in a rock or metal band today play it and look badass? Maybe. But in the back of my head, I’d still be thinking about Lita Ford gyrating against it.
6. Fender Telecaster
_-_angled_2.jpg/1280px-Fink_Telekaster_(Kit_Telecaster_by_steve_lodefink)_-_angled_2.jpg) |
| Pick Guard with Straight Line = Nonsense |
5. Gibson Flying V
It’s super metal. You can definitely be a rock star playing this. I always visualize Jimmy Hendrix playing it between his legs. Really it looks a lot like an airplane with two wings (hence the flying), so you're probably going to want to buy a gray one, slap a Decepticon sticker on it, and name it "Starscream." Do I have a problem with it though? Yes! Too symmetrical! I think the two "wings" on the V should be different sizes. So really, you shouldn't get a traditional Flying V. Maybe... like... an ESP Arrow or something like that? I dunno. One of those copycat guitars that almost looks like a Flying V, but isn't quite. Just don't get one that looks too much like the Star Trek insignia like Gibson's "Modern Flying V", because then that would be weird.
4. Gibson ES-335
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| Something else Chuck Berry and Chris Cornell have in common. |
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| Slash being Slash. |
If any guitar is in the running for the greatest electric guitar of all time, it’s probably the Les Paul. But this is Ed Ranks Everything, and Les Pauls aren't really "me." Why not? Well, if the Les Paul has one fatal error, it's that it doesn't have a whammy bar. Boooooo! That's no fun at all. Whammy bars are THE BEST! Don't get me wrong, it is really awesome, so I'll put it at #3. It has a classic, blues-ey look pointing at the roots of rock while still somehow also feeling metal. They're especially metal looking in a solid color. The woodgrain ones are more famous and classic... but don't even try to pull that shit off unless your name is "Slash." In fact, I'm not even sure why this guitar is still named a "Les Paul." Let's be honest here, Slash took ownership over this guitar ages ago. Nobody remembers who the fuck Les Paul is anyway, so let's just rename this the Gibson Slash and be done with the pretense. Also, in contrast to the Telecaster... look at this pick guard! HOLY SHIT, WHAT AN ATTRACTIVE PICK GUARD! Triangular but with nice, rounded edges? This is probably the best pick guard that exists. Good work, Slash. Uhh, I mean... Les Paul.
2. Gibson Explorer
The explorer is as metal as metal can be. It’s cool… and again… asymmetrical, rather than symmetrical. Which I really dig. That angle. That's what makes it better than a Flying V. James Hetfield is, I gotta think, the ultimate Explorer player and the person most associated with them, right? But be warned, people... this guitar only looks cool in a solid, glossy color like black or red. I’ve seen stained woodgrain ones and I do not feel those at all. Anyone who gets a "natural" woodgrain Gibson Explorer is a fool. Nobody gives a shit that your guitar's body is a fine, solid mahogany. Paint that shit jet black and... uhh... slap a Decepticon sticker on it and name it Skywarp. Really, all guitars should be named after Decepticon seeker jets. Except Dirge. Dirge is lame.
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| Winner. |
The Stratocaster is the guitar of all guitars. It's classic and yet still very much modern. See that pick guard? Nice looking! See those top and bottom horns and cutaways? They are nicely asymmetrical as any decent, God-fearing guitar should be! Everyone plays the Stratocaster and everyone always will play the Stratocaster because it is THE electric guitar. And now... a very special note on "Super Strats!" I'm just going to include them as a subset of Stratocasters. It's a nebulous term because it refers to all sorts of custom almost Stratocaster lookin' guitars from different companies and in different exact shapes (typically with somewhat pointier horns than the traditional Strat). Once again, Eddie Van Halen is the likely person to blame given that his "Frankenstrat" gave rise to Super Strats. Given that the variations on Super Strats are near endless, it would be hard to say what variety looks the best. Honestly, I think the classic Strat with is less pointy horns is the best.
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