Ed Ranks Thanksgiving Sides

Happy #Thanksgiving (#notmine)

A post shared by Ed Haberman (@edhaberman) on Nov 23, 2017 at 8:27pm PST

So here we are - another Thanksgiving upon us where we get to spend time with our annoying family members who want to talk about politics. Lovely!


At least we’re going to get some good food out of this, right? Unless the turkey is too dry. Whatever. We can just douse gravy all over it to hide that. But let’s not talk about the turkey itself. Let’s talk about the sides. And for purposes of this, “sides” won’t include desserts. Nor will it include the aforementioned gravy. I mean gravy is a must but you don’t really eat it on its own. You just pour it generously on EVERYTHING on the plate. Yes, even the cranberry sauce.

12. Cauliflower - In looking up “Thanksgiving side recipes” online, I probably looked through  hundreds of recipes just to make sure I wasn’t missing any big ones. You know what I saw multiple recipes of? Various cauliflower things. Now look, I’m actually a fan of cauliflower and enjoy it. Raw, roasted, in curry… whatever. But the attempt to make cauliflower one of the Thanksgiving staples is a blasphemous attempt to make Thanksgiving marginally more healthy. And that I simply will not stand for.

11. Brussels Sprouts - See above. This is almost the exact same thing as cauliflower. A pretty transparent attempt to lower Thanksgiving calorie intake by throwing in a healthy vegetable. I’ll put this one marginally ahead of cauliflower though, because at least most Thanksgiving Brussels Sprout recipes give up and include chopped up pieces of bacon along with the baked/broiled sprouts. Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about!

10. Winter Squash - Squash in general, and especially winter squashes like acorn or butternut, appear time and time again as various Thanksgiving side dishes. And I can understand why we associate this with Thanksgiving, as the fall season does bring us the time of gourd harvesting. But we literally JUST HAD A HOLIDAY that was all obsessed with gourds and that holiday was Halloween. I guess squash is fine and everything… but there just isn’t room on my plate or in my belly for this addition. Especially when there are so many other great options higher up the ranks.

9. Dinner Rolls - Delicious, but lazy as hell unless you’re making them from scratch. Otherwise, you can buy these things in the store year round. Don’t act like they’re magically special on Thanksgiving.

Tasty? Yes. Thanksgiving? Eh... I'm not so sure.

8. Mac & Cheese - I have pretty much the same doubts of this being a “Thanksgiving” meal as I do with dinner rolls. Delicious? Yes. But mac and cheese is an all-year-round kind of deal. Also, mac & cheese is just too much. Pasta is a starchy stomach-filler that will get you full in seconds. Then how will you have room to pour the gravy boat directly in your mouth?

7. Greens - This one is vague, but there are all sorts of ways you can have greens with your Thanksgiving dinner. Very similar to the last two above, greens are something you could and should be eating all year anyway… but I guess if you HAVE to have some sort of “healthy” vegetable with the rest of your meal, it might as well be a nice little spoon full of greens. Note that the actual health value of those greens should be eradicated though, as your spinach should be creamed and your collards should be stewed with peppers and pork fat.

6. Cornbread - Not to keep sounding like a broken record, but this is another one that falls down the list a bit because, really, it’s not that special for Thanksgiving. You should be eating cornbread all year long because it’s delicious. CORNBREAD!!!!! YEAHHHHH!!!!!

5. Sweet Potatoes / Yams - Now we’re getting into the Top 5. The real deal. If these five things aren’t on your Thanksgiving plate then you’re not living life correctly.  Sweet potatoes and yams are one of the definitive Thanksgiving dishes. I know people are trying to make sweet potatoes a thing for the rest of the year. They’re trying to make sweet potato fries a standard at restaurants. Please, just stop this. Sweet potatoes and yams are for Thanksgiving. That is their purpose. And I have mixed feelings about putting marshmallows on sweet potatoes. Part of that concept reminds me of childhood, and another part of that concept fills me with contempt.

4. Mashed Potatoes with Gravy - I guess you can have mashed potatoes all year and it’s a standard side to any meal you get at a chicken fast food joint. But despite the fact that it’s a 365 type of thing, mashed potatoes (especially when doused with tons and tons of butter and gravy) become more magical for Thanksgiving dinner. They just do.

3. Green Bean Casserole - If there is any dish you should enjoy ONLY for Thanksgiving, it is this one. What kind of lunatic cooks up a green bean casserole in May? No. Unacceptable. You make green bean casserole on the fourth Thursday of November and no other day. Maybe I’ll give you a pass for Christmas… maybe.

2. Cranberry Sauce - This is delicious. I don’t care what anybody says. Making it is super easy. You buy the bag of cranberries from the store and it has the recipe on the side. Three ingredients - cranberries, water, sugar. Put it in a pot. Easy. It’s hard to believe that people can mess this up. And yet people are still so lazy that they just buy the can? And do you know what I have to say about you can people? Nothing bad at all. Because honestly, it’s pretty delicious out of the can too. I’m not kidding. This stuff is fantastic and should be enjoyed frequently through the Holiday season.

No, not this. But also yes. Sort of.

1. Stuffing (AKA Dressing) - Stuffing is the best. It’s AMAZING when made from scratch and tre is a recipe me and my wife make nearly every year that is incredible. But I suppose if you’re going to buy a box/bag of the Stove Top stuff… I’ll reluctantly accept your decision to eat croutons that have been soaked in sage-flavored chicken bouillon. At least have the decency to actually stick your Stove Top in the turkey itself though, rather than just microwaving it (as the side of the box provides instructions for, if you choose to live life as an animal beneath decent mankind).  Also… why the hell is this called “Dressing” by people? It’s just like how some people refer to mayonnaise as “salad dressing.”  There is a large portion of the U.S. population in flyover states that will just refer to every goddamn thing as “dressing.”  Ketchup? That’s tomato dressing.  Tater tots? Dressing. That wheel you use to steer your car? Steering wheel? Nope. Dressing.