Ed Ranks Colonel Sanderses

He looks like this. Or often, not.

So first thing is first - Col. Harland Sanders was an actual, real person... in case you’re a youngin’ who didn’t know. He died in 1980. I’m not going to rank him on this list, because ranking the ACTUAL Col. Sanders on a list of people pretending to be Col. Sanders is sort of weird. So this will just be a ranking of those people who have played him so far since SNL alum Darrell Hammond brought him back. Also, I’m not going to rank that creepy, undead CGI version from a few years ago. Man, those CGE people are freaky. Like Peter Cushing in Rogue One. Yikes.

Also, I'm not ranking George Wyner's character from Spaceballs (Colonel Sandurz). Although I was half tempted to, and to rank him #1.

14. Dolph Ziggler - This is a wrestler who apparently played him in commercials. I never saw a single commercial with him in it. I suppose maybe they only played during wrestling shows because otherwise nobody in the world would have a clue who he was. I certainly don’t.

13. Vincent Kartheiser - You might know this guy from Angel or Mad Men.  He played a young, heartthrob version of the Colonel from the 1950’s. I vaguely recall seeing these commercials once or twice, but neither he nor the commercials he was in were even remotely memorable. He’s also not even a recognizable enough face under the outfit for people to be like, “oh yeah, that guy.”

12. Reba McEntire - Look, I fully support there being a woman as Doctor Who now. I believe fictional characters can be rebooted and re-interpreted in new ways. Real life people though? Hey, I do get that KFC is increasingly getting more and more ludicrous with their Colonels. So I understand the joke they’re going with here. Sure, I guess the concept is a little funny. And I support them making this sort of move. Still though… Reba McEntire? No thanks.

11. Rob Riggle - Rob Riggle can only play one character - Rob Riggle. So it should be no surprise that the Rob Riggle version of the Colonel seems like a screaming, douchebag high school jock who grew up to become a screaming douchebag whatever (e.g. cop, gym teacher, chicken spokesman) who only ever talks about his glory days in high school.

Yep, that Billy Zane.

10. Billy Zane - Billy Zane could have raked higher as the cool, laid back “Golden Colonel” had he been a little more recognizable. I really had to look up who this Colonel was when the commercials came out because I couldn't tell under all the makeup. When I learned it was Billy Zane I laughed and thought that was funny… but still… if he had been a little more recognizable, the joke would have been funnier.

9. George Hamilton - The whole joke behind the “Extra Crispy Colonel” is how George Hamilton has a really good, dark tan. Which I guess is sort of funny. But also, the whole “Wow, George Hamilton has a great tan!” ad campaign was probably more relevant 20-30 years ago when people knew or cared who George Hamilton is.

8. Darrell Hammond - So if any ranking is going to be controversial, it will be this one. By all accounts, Darrell Hammond’s impression is the best one. Technically it was the most accurate. Darrell Hammond is a professional impressionist and it certainly looks like he spent a lot of time mastering the impression. He was also the first one in the replacement Colonel ad campaign. So he deserves some credit. But honestly… when it was just him, it was less funny. Because it was like “Oh, KFC wants to have commercials with Colonel Sanders again but he’s dead… so they just brought in a guy really good at impressions to do him.” It was less of a send-up and more of a real attempt to “be” the Colonel. When KFC started to become self-referential and broke the 4th wall with their Colonels… that’s when the ad campaign really became memorable.

7. Rob Lowe - When doing some research into this list to make sure I didn’t “miss” any Colonels that I hd forgotten about, I ran into one website which had itself “ranked” the Colonels. I try to never read such alternative rankings, so that they don’t bias my own. However, I did see enough of this ranking to see that they ranked Rob Lowe dead last, criticizing him by noting that he made no attempt to even do a Col. Sanders voice or get into the character. Talk about missing the joke. THAT’S THE JOKE. By this time, I’m sure there were already over half a dozen people who played the Colonel, with increasing levels of fame. Everyone knew the people who played the Colonel weren’t the Colonel. Rob Lowe is super famous and recognizable and just acted like Rob Lowe’s own smarmy self. No attempt at some sort of Kentucky accent? YES! That was great!

6. Ray Liotta - Ray Liotta’s Colonel was sort of ludicrous in that he seemed to have some sort of crazy double personality. Also, his commercial opens up with a clear Goodfellas reference, which is a good thing. By this time, the KFC commercials were going full steam winking at the audience with a, “Hey, you know what we’re doing here. Just go along with it!”

5. Christopher Boyer (Value Colonel) - Even funnier than getting increasingly bigger and more famous celebrities to play the Colonel was when KFC specifically pointed out that they were getting increasingly bigger and more famous celebrities to play the Colonel, and instead hired a relatively unknown comedian to play the “Value Colonel.” The joke was that he was advertising their value menu and thus was a cheaper actor for the cheap deals. THIS JOKE IS FUNNY.  The only issue with this commercial? They had a cameo from Wayne (Newman) Knight in it, with the implication that Wayne Knight would have been a big celebrity instead of a value celebrity. Eh. Not really. Had they had another one of their big name celebrities cameo here, it would have been better.

4. Norm Macdonald - Norm Macdonald was the first Colonel to replace Darrell Hammond, so in one sense he was in a tough spot. In another sense, it was perfect. By showing up and clearly being Norm Macdonald, KFC finally began to be part of the joke with the audience that, “Hey! This isn’t the real Colonel.” Macdonald’s very self aware version of the Colonel where he insisted that he was the “real” one and Darrell or any others were fake was great. And while Norm Macdonald sort of put on an accident, he was still 80% Norm Macdonald and 20% impression of Col. Sanders. And that’s the exact ratio he should have gone for.

3. Jim Gaffigan - Bringing in Jim Gaffigan to play the Colonel was brilliant. The fact that he looks absolutely nothing like the Colonel, even under all the makeup, etc., is great.  He was clearly just comedian Jim Gaffigan who, like Norm Macdonald, was only minimally putting any effort towards doing an impression.  He was also perfect because his whole comedy shtick is, if anything, known for him being a chubby slob who eats terrible fast food. He even had a routine about KFC food being a bowl of slop. And yet KFC hires him. It was kind of awesome. Even if he brings no authenticity as the actual Harland Sanders, he brings authenticity as an expert on what fast food you should consume.

2. Jason Alexander - Jason Alexander is George Costanza. Jason Alexander will always be George Costanza. Some people might let such typecasting get to them or wear them down. They might resent it. Jason Alexander has tried to escape that and go other characters and hasn’t achieved success. And maybe he does resent it a little. But not enough to just accept his fate and play Col. Sanders as George Costanza.  Because that’s what he’s doing. Not only is there ZERO effort to properly pretend to be the Colonel (like Rob Lowe), but he’s actually just doing the character he’s already famous for. And it’s a great character. Jason Alexander as George Costanza as Col. Sanders is amazing. 

Yep, what I think of when I think of Col. Sanders.

1. Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson - As with Jason Alexander and Rob Lowe, the joke here is again that KFC is making no effort to get their celebrity to even bother to pretend in the least bit to remotely resemble the actual Colonel. But with Bjornsson, they dialed it up to 11 by hiring THE MOUNTAIN THAT RIDES. Gregor Clegane is the 2018 World’s Strongest Man. He can deadlift 1,041 lbs. He’s nearly 7 feet tall and weighs over 400 lbs. He’s Icelandic and makes zero attempt to speak in anything other than his Icelandic accent, with a similarly very minimalist attempt to don a Colonel costume.  The KFC campaign is still going on, so surely new additional Colonels will be added to the list.  But I don’t see how the joke is going to ever get any better than this.