Final Fantasy XII is a 2006 video game. I played it a long time ago, but don't really remember all that much about it. It had... what?... six main characters, right? I think it was six. I remember six. I don't remember their real names though. Here they are, ranked:
6. J-Pop
The main character of almost every Final Fantasy game is the most boring character. Maybe it's supposed to be that way. Maybe, because they are the protagonist of the game, that character is purposely flimsy so that you, as the player of the game, can fill in the holes and put yourself in their shoes more? Nah, I'm being too generous. FF main characters are always terrible and they're always teenagers who look like they belong in a Japanese boy band.
J-Pop's Job: Street urchin with dead parents
J-Pop's Weapon: Sword, which is also really boring, right?
J-Pop's Most Awesome Limit Break: "Pyroclasm," presumably a cataclysm of fire.
J-Pop's real name, apparently: "Vaan"
5. Jailbait
Boring main character is almost always accompanied by a giggling, overly sexualized lolita. Jailbait is (probably) 8 years old and the best friend of main character. Do not try to hit on Jailbait or you will go to fantasy space prison for a long time.
Jailbait's Job: Break Dancer (again, I am vaguely recalling)
Jailbait's Weapon: Some type of giant staff with some axe-looking thing on the end.
Jailbait's Most Awesome Limit Break: "Evenescence," which I assume makes her enemies go under, drown in you, fall forever, and break though.
Jailbait's real name, apparently: "Penelo"
4. Grizzled Man
Grizzled Man is an "old" character in the game, meaning he's in his mid-30's. He's some sort of disgraced knight that doesn't like to speak about his past (something to do with killing the king, although it was really his twin brother who killed the king) and he has a scar on his face. Scars add character. In hindsight, Grizzled Man is a combo of Jaime Lannister (killing kings) and Jorah Mormont (sad, loner, disgraced knight).
Grizzled Man's Job: Knight (unemployed)
Grizzled Man's Weapon: Giant sword, as a knight should have
Grizzled Man's Most Awesome Limit Break: "Flame purge," I am loving these names, by the way
Grizzled Man's real name, apparently: "Basch"
3. Princess Leia
The Princess is another trope character who seems to appear in every single one of these damn games. She's an only child and thus the heir to the throne of whatever kingdom this game is set in. I'm not sure. But why am I calling her Princess Leia? Because she's also a rebel / freedom fighter who goes around killing. Cool. She also enjoys placing a single finger on her nose in all of the game's promo artwork.
Princess Leia's Job: Princess / Leader of the Rebel Alliance
Princess Leia's Weapon: I don't even remember.
Princess Leia's Most Awesome Limit Break: "Heaven's Wrath," which could easily be the name of a death metal album.
Princess Leia's real name, apparently: "Ashe"
2. S&M Rabbit
S&M Rabbit is a sexy lady rabbit who likes wearing tight leather. She doesn't talk much, although I assume at the very least she does have some sort of safe word. She's supposed to be an expert with weapons, which is a good thing to have in a game with a plot where you go around killing things. S&M Rabbit is easily the most cosplay-able character in Final Fantasy XII. But beware if you do so, because I imagine someone at a convention might confuse you with Nei from Phatasy Star II.
S&M Rabbit's Job: Killing things
S&M Rabbit's Weapon: Bow & Arrow
S&M Rabbit's Most Awesome Limit Break: "Shatterheart," what she does to all the boys.
S&M Rabbit's real name, apparently: "Fran," which sounds like the name of a 50-year old aunt and not a sexy rabbit girl.
1. Sky Pirate
Sky Pirate is the best. I love Sky Pirate. Sky Pirate is a pirate, except he lives in the sky. Yes, he has some sort of pirate airship that flies around everywhere when you need to conveniently move around the game. You (in the guise of boring J-Pop Main Character), first meet Sky Pirate when he's breaking into a palace and stealing shit. That's all you need to know about Sky Pirate because that's what Sky Pirates do. They steal. Because they are pirates. Except in the sky. Sky Pirate's best friend is S&M Rabbit, and she follows him around everywhere. If you were Sky Pirate, you would also have an S&M Rabbit girl with you too. If we are continuing the Star Wars analogy, Sky Pirate and S&M Rabbit are clearly Han and Chewie. Except they have a lot more sex. I assume. Who knows what happened on those lonely nights on the Millennium Falcon.
Sky Pirates's Job: Sky Pirate
Sky Pirates's Weapon: Double Fisting Ye Olde Pirate Blunderbuss Guns
Sky Pirates's Most Awesome Limit Break: "Tides of Fate," Get it? Tides. It's a pirate joke!
Sky Pirates's real name, apparently: "Balthier," which is a great pirate name
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| I could have also called him "Gender Fluid Mad Max" |
6. J-Pop
The main character of almost every Final Fantasy game is the most boring character. Maybe it's supposed to be that way. Maybe, because they are the protagonist of the game, that character is purposely flimsy so that you, as the player of the game, can fill in the holes and put yourself in their shoes more? Nah, I'm being too generous. FF main characters are always terrible and they're always teenagers who look like they belong in a Japanese boy band.
J-Pop's Job: Street urchin with dead parents
J-Pop's Weapon: Sword, which is also really boring, right?
J-Pop's Most Awesome Limit Break: "Pyroclasm," presumably a cataclysm of fire.
J-Pop's real name, apparently: "Vaan"
5. Jailbait
Boring main character is almost always accompanied by a giggling, overly sexualized lolita. Jailbait is (probably) 8 years old and the best friend of main character. Do not try to hit on Jailbait or you will go to fantasy space prison for a long time.
Jailbait's Job: Break Dancer (again, I am vaguely recalling)
Jailbait's Weapon: Some type of giant staff with some axe-looking thing on the end.
Jailbait's Most Awesome Limit Break: "Evenescence," which I assume makes her enemies go under, drown in you, fall forever, and break though.
Jailbait's real name, apparently: "Penelo"
4. Grizzled Man
Grizzled Man is an "old" character in the game, meaning he's in his mid-30's. He's some sort of disgraced knight that doesn't like to speak about his past (something to do with killing the king, although it was really his twin brother who killed the king) and he has a scar on his face. Scars add character. In hindsight, Grizzled Man is a combo of Jaime Lannister (killing kings) and Jorah Mormont (sad, loner, disgraced knight).
Grizzled Man's Job: Knight (unemployed)
Grizzled Man's Weapon: Giant sword, as a knight should have
Grizzled Man's Most Awesome Limit Break: "Flame purge," I am loving these names, by the way
Grizzled Man's real name, apparently: "Basch"
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| Here are the rest of them. If you care. |
The Princess is another trope character who seems to appear in every single one of these damn games. She's an only child and thus the heir to the throne of whatever kingdom this game is set in. I'm not sure. But why am I calling her Princess Leia? Because she's also a rebel / freedom fighter who goes around killing. Cool. She also enjoys placing a single finger on her nose in all of the game's promo artwork.
Princess Leia's Job: Princess / Leader of the Rebel Alliance
Princess Leia's Weapon: I don't even remember.
Princess Leia's Most Awesome Limit Break: "Heaven's Wrath," which could easily be the name of a death metal album.
Princess Leia's real name, apparently: "Ashe"
2. S&M Rabbit
S&M Rabbit is a sexy lady rabbit who likes wearing tight leather. She doesn't talk much, although I assume at the very least she does have some sort of safe word. She's supposed to be an expert with weapons, which is a good thing to have in a game with a plot where you go around killing things. S&M Rabbit is easily the most cosplay-able character in Final Fantasy XII. But beware if you do so, because I imagine someone at a convention might confuse you with Nei from Phatasy Star II.
S&M Rabbit's Job: Killing things
S&M Rabbit's Weapon: Bow & Arrow
S&M Rabbit's Most Awesome Limit Break: "Shatterheart," what she does to all the boys.
S&M Rabbit's real name, apparently: "Fran," which sounds like the name of a 50-year old aunt and not a sexy rabbit girl.
 |
| See? Pirate! |
Sky Pirate is the best. I love Sky Pirate. Sky Pirate is a pirate, except he lives in the sky. Yes, he has some sort of pirate airship that flies around everywhere when you need to conveniently move around the game. You (in the guise of boring J-Pop Main Character), first meet Sky Pirate when he's breaking into a palace and stealing shit. That's all you need to know about Sky Pirate because that's what Sky Pirates do. They steal. Because they are pirates. Except in the sky. Sky Pirate's best friend is S&M Rabbit, and she follows him around everywhere. If you were Sky Pirate, you would also have an S&M Rabbit girl with you too. If we are continuing the Star Wars analogy, Sky Pirate and S&M Rabbit are clearly Han and Chewie. Except they have a lot more sex. I assume. Who knows what happened on those lonely nights on the Millennium Falcon.
Sky Pirates's Job: Sky Pirate
Sky Pirates's Weapon: Double Fisting Ye Olde Pirate Blunderbuss Guns
Sky Pirates's Most Awesome Limit Break: "Tides of Fate," Get it? Tides. It's a pirate joke!
Sky Pirates's real name, apparently: "Balthier," which is a great pirate name
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