Ed Ranks Christmas Tree Decorations

Look at this fancy nonsense!

Christmas is in the air! Here are 35 common(-ish) decorations for your Christmas Tree, ranked:

35. Anything Political - For the love of that little baby in the manger, no. Please. Don't.

34. Popcorn Garland - Oh look! A "cute" homemade thing where you whip out a sewing needle, thread, and then put 7,000 little holes in your finger stringing thread through disgusting popcorn. I suppose it's better than eating popcorn though. Why do people like popcorn? The kernals always get caught in your gums! Popcorn is terrible.

33. Nothing, Just a Fake White Tree - You are LAZY.

32. Personalized Photo of Self / Couple / Your Child / Your Dog - Uhhhh. You're that family, huh?

31. Kitschy Pop Culture Bullshit - Christmas-themed Super Mario? Groot? NASCAR? Pikachu? Jersey Shore? Betty Boop? Please keep this nonsense off your tree.

30. Home-Crafted Thingamajig - Elementary school art class had your untalented child to make some ugly thing and now you're forced to hang it up? Or maybe you're simply one of those "DIY" people? Either way, stop being poor and buy real decorations. Nobody believes that "it's more meaningful if it's homemade" nonsense.

An all-bauble tree looks like CRAP!

29. Balls (Baubles) - What is more boring than just a bunch of glittering balls hanging from a tree? Sure, you can have some... but these are really just filler for empty spots on the tree, right?

28. Blown Glass - Ah, like the balls above but made from real glass. I see you like to live dangerously. Especially if you have any pets or children. Enjoy stepping on those tony shards three months later after you thought you had got them all.

27.  Fruit - This is apparently a thing.

26. Candy Canes - Classic... but boring. Also gross.  Who actually likes peppermint? That's candy from olden times before Snickers were invented.

25. The Word "Noel" - Yeah, I guess you can put "Noel" up on a tree. So long as it is referring to the French Noël (meaning “Christmas season”) and not to Noel, a stripper you just met.

24. Hearts - Lame. What is this? Valentine's Day?

23. Cross - Let's celebrate Christmas by recalling a method of execution from antiquity wherein a victim is tied, nailed, or otherwise attached to a large wooden beam and left to hang for several days until eventual death. ENJOY THOSE LEGOS, KID!

22. Nativity Scene - What's with all this Christian stuff people want to add to their Christmas trees? Have they forgotten the true meaning of Christmas? And by that I mean "to celebrate the Sigillaria during the Saturnalia, a day of gift-giving (which likely evolved from earlier practices of human sacrifice) very near to the Winter Solstice of the Roman Calendar in honor of the mighty god, Saturn."

21. Present / Gift Bearer - An ornament of a present itself, or of a person giving a present? Eh. Sure. 

20. A Christmas Tree - Wait... you're putting a Christmas Tree on a Christmas Tree? Just what kind of Inception bullshit are you trying to pull off here?

19. Wreath - At least a little more creative than a tree. And since it naturally has a circle you can just pop that right on a tree branch.

18. Ribbons - Now your tree looks like a harlot.

17. Fancy European Handcrafted Thingamajig - Wow! Did you get that from some Christmas Market in Germany? Looks expensive. It would be a shame if someone (or some pet) broke it! (see #28 above).

16. Fake snow - A bit obvious, but fine.

Impractical house clutter

15. Nutcrackers - Let's be honest. Nobody since the 19th century has actually used a Nutcracker to crack a nut.

14. Santa - Yeah, I'm a filthy heathen who put Santa on the list several rankings above crosses and nativity scenes.  I guess the War on Christmas™ Fox News rages on.

13.  Doves - Because peace and Jesus, and all that jazz.

12. Penguins - An even better bird, because they live in the snow.

11. Bells - As long as they are fake bells. If they are real ones that actually ring - that would be annoying.

10. Stockings / Socks - Nice try, but you're not going to get MORE gifts if you put up more socks. Only the ones over your fireplace count. Santa isn't that easily fooled.

9. Rocking Horse - A classic! To be a decoration on a tree, I mean. Not as an actual present. That would be awful.

8. Train - Like above. Boys really like trains. Why? Probably Stand by Me.

7. Gingerbread Man - A fake one is better than one really made out of gingerbread. Then you can re-use it the next year without it being rancid or attracting ants everywhere.

6. Snowflakes - Good choice! You know it won't actually snow outside, so this is the next best thing.

5. Angel - You have to either have an angel or star on top of your tree. It's a rule.

4. Star - You have to either have a star or angel on top of your tree. It's a rule.

Yep, that's a nice ornament.

3. Snowmen - Much better than making an actual snowman. If you make a snowman outside then your fingers get super cold. Even if you're wearing mittens. Just hang up a snowman ornament and treat yourself to a hot cocoa. You deserve it.

2. Reindeer - Unless you live in Scandinavia, this is the only time of year you're even going to think about this animal. You might as well put all nine of these bad boys up.

1. Lights - On second thought, just hang up the lights and call it a day. Good enough!