Ed Ranks the Noble Eightfold Path

Guess this is taken so my pirate religion will just have to use the skull flag.

The Noble Eightfold Path is the path that one should take in life in order to eventually escape the cycle of rebirth and reach Nirvana. Or something like that. I'm not Buddhist and I'm not a wealthy or famous enough white person to culturally appropriate it.

You know how one of the symbols of Buddhism is that Dharma Wheel which looks like it should also be the symbol of some pirate faith? (I would follow a pirate religion, for sure)  Well, it has eight spokes, representing the eightfold path, which are: right view, right resolve, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, and right "concentration" (technically, right "samadhi," the most difficult of the terms to translate into English, but roughly meaning "unification of mind," or "meditative absorption").

Here they are, ranked:

The glorious Buddhist hobo.

8. Right Livelihood - This can be described as "living from begging, not accepting everything given, and not possessing more than is strictly necessary." Basically, it means it's a virtue to be a hobo on the street carrying a bag on a stick and asking for change. No thanks, Buddhism. Although this is technically a mix between "be a hobo that gets thrown off of freight trains in silent movies" and "Tidying Up with Marie Kondo."

7. Right Resolve - In this path, the practitioner "resolves to leave home, renounce the worldly life and dedicate himself to an ascetic pursuit."   Look. I'm all about leaving home and stuff, but that whole "ascetic" thing (characterized by or suggesting the practice of severe self-discipline and abstention from all forms of indulgence) is not going to fly with me.

6. Right Concentration - This is the one that's a bit hard to concentrate and is confusing. One way of explaining it seems to be "the centering of consciousness on a single object/goal...the state in virtue of which consciousness and its concomitants remain evenly and rightly on a single object, undistracted and unscattered."  Sounds pretty boring to me, but to each their own. Technically I think stalkers also do something like this, but you wouldn't exactly call it a virtue, would you?

5. Right Effort - This can be a bit confusing since the doctrine talks about "guarding the sense-doors," which makes no sense to me but okay. However, the overall aim of this seems to be to "prevent the arising of unwholesome states, and the generate wholesome states" Sounds good, right? Make sure everything is nice and wholesome. I can get down with that. But wait. It all depends on what you are defining "unwholesome" as, I guess.  Buddhist teaching seems to indicate those are the "five hinderances" - things like sensory desire (the wanting of things you see, smell, touch, taste, and hear), ill-will towards others, sloth, worrying, and doubt.  I'm gong to take a hard no on this one with its sensory desire restrictions. 

You're wearing a purity ring. Nothing can go wrong!

4. Right Action - This is abstaining from killing, abstaining from stealing, abstaining from sexual misconduct. Okay, this is all good depending on how you define that last one.  This ranges from interpretations going all the way from "hey you need consent, fuckface," to the more typical and traditional "nothing out of wedlock and don't cheat on anyone," all the way to the full-blown, "be chaste and never have sex of any kind and don't even think of masturbating."  Yeah, so this one could be problematic. If you define it as "no rape" then this is great and could easily be #1. It's basically 80% of the full set of instructions on how to leave a fairly good life - "Never murder, steal or rape."  But since it could also be defined as strict celibacy - that's going to be a no from me, dawg. How has this ever worked for any religious (or other social) practice?

3. Right Speech - This is abstaining from lying, divisive speech, abusive speech, and idle chatter. I'm all about this one. I know some people might disagree on the "divisive speech" part because they think a healthy debate over differing opinions is good. But if you've ever watched cable news you know that to be 100% false and basically every one of those talking heads is going to be reincarnated as shit-eating flies in their next lives.


2. Right Mindfulness - This can sometimes get a bit confusing and blur the lines with the Right Concentration path, but this can be loosely defined as always being mindful about what you are doing and paying attention. It can also include the concept of "retention," meaning that it's good to learn and remember. So I'm all about this one. Good path! I have nothing to mock this one for.


1. Right View - Right View is the path that tells you to recognize that all your actions have consequences that will effect you in this life and the next. Living a good life will have good consequences and you'll eventually escape the cycle of rebirth and find salvation. The right view is to "clear your path" of all other things that distract you from this. This is all pretty standard and good religion stuff. I bet even the pirate religion believes in this.