Ed Ranks His Fictional "1997" Teams from Tony La Russa Baseball 3

Hey, remember that last Tony La Russa Baseball 3 ranking I just did, where I ranked the fictional rookie players which the computer randomly generated for me?  Yeah, well I had to play some seasons of baseball in order to get those stats.  Wanna know how the first of those seasons wound up for the various teams in the league? I bet you do!

As I alluded to in the last ranking, although the game paid the Players Association to use real player names - it did not pay the MLB to use the team names or logos. I therefore renamed all of the generic city team names.

Here is how they all did in the notional "1997" baseball year, which used the Spring 1996 MLB team lineups as the starting point for what players were on the teams.

Because the game used Spring 1996 player lineups from before the season was played though, I'm going to compare my fictional "1997" season to the real life 1996 MLB season, as the stats being used for the players were 1995 stats and therefore this game was trying to use 1995 stats to predict how a notional 1996-ish season would go. 

'MURICAN LEAGUE (American League)

Bartolo Colón was a pretty Unathletic Athletic.

14. Unathletics

• Based on: Oakland Athletics, but obviously not that Athletic given their record.
• How they did in this simulation: 62-100 (.382)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 78-84 (.481) - a whole lot better but still not cracking .500!

13.  Royaaaaaals

• Based on: Kansas City Royals, but as sung by Lorde.
• How they did in this simulation: 64-98 (.395)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 75-86 (.466) - better, but still worst in the AL Central.

12. Cougars

• Based on: Detroit Tigers, but if Cecil Fielder was a horny house wife on the prowl for as young stud to bed while her husband is away.
• How they did in this simulation: 68-64 (.419)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 53-109 (.327) - even worse than the game could imagine.

9 (3-Way Tie). Alcoholics

• Based on: Milwaukee Brewers, but a little more honest about what their name implies.
• How they did in this simulation: 71-91 (.438)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 80-82 (4.94) - a few games better.

Pretty exciting Anaheim Angles action going on here.

9 (3-Way Tie). Angles

• Based on: Anaheim Angels, but with a misspelling that got through the spellcheck undetected.
• How they did in this simulation: 71-91 (.438)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 70-91 (.435) - stunningly accurate and only off because of a rain-out meaning they only played 161 games IRL.

9 (3-Way Tie). Blow Jays

• Based on: Toronto Blue Jays, but I'm still bitter about the 1992 World Series.
• How they did in this simulation: 71-91 (.438)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 74-88 (.457) - slightly better.

8. White Sux

• Based on: Chicago White Sox, but more accurately describing their record in this simulation.
• How they did in this simulation: 76-86 (.469)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 85-77 (.525) - almost 10 games better!
• Fun Fact: Frank Thomas hit 64 home runs in this simulated season, surpassing Roger Maris's record of 61 which still stood when this game was made and before everyone was roided up with teeny balls.

7. Minnesota Fats

• Based on: Minnesota Twins, but instead played by Jackie Gleason in The Hustler.
• How they did in this simulation: 77-85 (.475)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 78-84 (.481) - pretty damn close, just one better!

6. Marinaters

• Based on: Seattle Mariners, but instead of being sailors they prepare meats in acidic liquid with seasonings.
• How they did in this simulation: 83-80 (.509)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 85-76 (.528) - again, really close and slightly better!

 5. Rednecks

• Based on: Texas Rangers, but being more accurate about the fact that Texans are hicks.
• How they did in this simulation: 84-79 (.515), not only making the Playoffs but also winning the World Series despite just barely being above .500.
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 90-72 (.556) - slightly better by a few games.
• Fun Fact: Benji Gil struck out 211 times this simulated season, totally blowing away Bobby Bonds' record of 189 SOs from 1970 which still stood when this game was made. Since this game was made, the elder Bonds has been surpassed a huge number of times and is now way down in 31st place because people strike out like crazy these days. 
• Even Funner Fact: I ran the simulation for another year and in the fictional 1998 season, Benji Gil BROKE HIS OWN RECORD AGAIN and this time struck out a massive 229 times. This game really thinks Benji Gil is garbage. As of now the real world strikeout leader is Mark Reynolds, who only had 223 SOs in 2009.

4. Yank Deez

• Based on: New York Yankees, but using the same joke I did when I was 9 years old.
• How they did in this simulation: 91-71 (.561), missing the playoffs despite being better than the World Series winning Rednecks. Eh, that's just how MLB works with the Divisional system.
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 92-70 (.568) - again, eerily accurate and only off by 1 game. They also really won the World Series this year over the Braves. By cheating and bribing the umpires, I suspect. Shit, you remember the whole Jeffrey Maier thing, right? Hey, speaking of Jeffrey Maier... 

Delicious. Oreos, I mean. Not racial slurs.

3. Oreos

• Based on: Baltimore Orioles, but if made of cookies & cream.
• How they did in this simulation: 96-66 (.592), made playoffs.
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 88-74 (.543) - worse in the real world, but still playoff bound and cheated out of an ALCS win by shitty umpiring. 

2. Racial Slurs

• Based on: Cleveland Indians, but more honest about how it's problematic naming themselves after a race of people who has been systemically oppressed and fell victim to the largest genocide in history that we kind of don't talk about as Americans because it's uncomfortable for us to discuss the fact that we took an entire race of people and decimated their population so that we could wind up making them mascots for sports teams and tobacco companies. Oh wait... did I say "decimate?" Because "decimate" means killing 1 in 10. This was much, much worse.
• How they did in this simulation: 107-55 (.660). Playoff-making and second-best team in league.
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 99-62 (.615) - still pretty damn good, but not as good as projected.

1. Red Sux

• Based on: Boston Red Sox, but I hate they annoying fans so screw them.
• How they did in this simulation: 114-48 (.703), best team the entire season but choked in playoffs.
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 85-77 (.525) - much worse, this is the least accurate team projection in the entire game (off by a whopping 29 games), proving that the programmers were probably shitty Boston fans who jacked the stats for the players they were fanboys of.

NATTY BO LEAGUE (National League)

The government won't tell you the truth about USS Eldridge!!!

13 (tie). Philadelphia Experiments

• Based on: Philadelphia Phillies, but replaced by an INVISIBLE WARSHIP.
• How they did in this simulation: 65-97 (.401)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 67-95 (.414) - a little better, but this is still really close.

13 (tie). Space Pirates

• Based on: Pittsburgh Pirates, but from space because Space Pirates are better.
• How they did in this simulation: 65-97 (.401)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 73-89 (.451) - quite a few games better.

12. Houston We Have a Prob[lem]

• Based on: Houston Astros, but that line from Apollo 13 (the team name was too long and it wouldn't fit, so it just got cut off at "Prob").
• How they did in this simulation: 72-90 (.444)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 82-80 (.506) - a whole 10 games better and above .500.

11. Oranges

• Based on: Florida Marlins, but Florida Oranges instead as a clever Sunkist marking scheme to compete with the future Tropicana Park.
• How they did in this simulation: 73-89 (.450)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 80-82 (.494) - a bit better.

10. Washington Formerly Expos

• Based on: Montreal Expos, but I moved them to Washington just like their future foretold.
• How they did in this simulation: 74-88 (.456)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 88-74 (.543) - swap the wins and losses, they did much better.

Worthy of a baseball team name.

9. Food Trucks

• Based on: San Diego Padres, but San Diego is really better known for awesome Mexican Food Trucks, isn't it?
• How they did in this simulation: 76-86 (.469)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 91-71 (.562) - much better, and they won the NL West division.

8. South Parks

• Based on: Colorado Rockies, but now renamed after the only notable pop culture thing about Colorado.
• How they did in this simulation: 82-80 (.506)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 83-79 (.512) - Nice! Only a single game off.

7. Tomahawks

• Based on: Atlanta Braves, except now without a racial epithet as the name (See Cleveland above).
• How they did in this simulation: 83-80 (.509)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 96-66 (.593) - much better for real. But I messed them up with my managing and all those new rookies I threw in. Best team in NL and made it to the series. 

Detailed Tomahawks Analysis:

47.3% less racist.

• This was the team that I played and simulated as the manager of, so I figured that I'd give this one some extra attention and analysis. As you can see, I messed them up a bit so they weren't as good as they were in real life. 
• I sort of expected that, because in order to do my whole "hire a lot of rookies" to rank thing, I was by nature taking a riskier approach to playing knowing that a lot of them wouldn't pan out while benching proven stars. 
• After simulating a month's worth of games the Tomahawks were in last place in early May, so I made my first major set of changes. Some of the rookies I initially started I either benched or outright cut, I brought up new rookies, and I played around with my starters and lineup. 
• The changes made me get slightly better, and by the All Star break the Tomahawks were at .460, which was 12 games behind the first place Mr. Mets. Despite the under .500 average, the Tomahawks had been on a recent winning streak, so I didn't mess with them too much and made only a few adjustments (mainly to the pitching staff, as well as some more strategic starting of different players based on if the opponent pitcher was R or L). 
• By August 6 I finally got the team at .500, hitting a record of 55-55. Liking my progress, I kept my squad basically as it was until the September roster expansion.  Alas, my team sort of just hung out there, slightly above .500 without any major improvements. 
• In September, I started to creep up on the Mr. Mets. Not because I was doing a lot better, but because the Mr. Mets were collapsing.
• Going to the final game of the season on October 4, the Tomahawks and Mr. Mets were tied at 83-79. The Mr. Mets won and the Tomahawks lost, thus keeping them out by one game. Thus is life.
• If you add up the wins and losses from my pitchers in the last ranking, you'll see it doesn't match with the 83-80 record here. The other ranking was mainly based on my fictional 1998 season the following year, when I did substantially better (97-65, or .598).

6. Mr. Mets

• Based on: New York Mets, but just named after their dumb mascot.
• How they did in this simulation: 84-79 (.515), barely above .500 but still squeaking into the playoffs because the NL East was so damn terrible.
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 71-91 (.438) - quite a bit worse.

4 (tie). Maroons

• Based on: Cincinnati Reds, but a slightly different color.
• How they did in this simulation: 86-76 (.530)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 81-81 (.500) - a little bit worse.

4 (tie). Rice A Ronies

• Based on: San Francisco Giants, but instead named after the San Francisco Treat.
• How they did in this simulation: 86-76 (.530)
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 68-94 (.420) - a lot bit worse.

Don't tell me this as a logo wouldn't give their opponents more pause.

3. Murder Bears

• Based on: Chicago Cubs, but now with a more threatening name to inspire fear in their foes.
• How they did in this simulation: 91-71 (.561), and taking the wildcard spot to advance to the playoffs. They advanced all the way, but lost in the World Series to Texas.
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 76-86 (.496) - 15 games worse IRL and not a playoff contender.

2. Robins

• Based on: St. Louis Cardinals, but named after a different dumb (reddish) bird.
• How they did in this simulation: 95-67 (.586) and playoff bound.
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 88-74 (.543) - a little worse, but still the NL Central division winners.

This would not be the worst California team named after ducks.

1. Duck Dodgers

• Based on: Los Angeles Dodgers, but now with 100% more Daffy and Marvin.
• How they did in this simulation: 103-59 (.635), the best team in the NL but they still choked in the Wild Card round of the playoffs against the Murder Bears.
• How they did the real 1996 Season: 90-72 (.562) - 13 games worse, but still made the playoffs as the wildcard beneath the Padres.