Ed Ranks the Bill of Rights

Madison. Famed for his bare-fist prize fight against Marbury.

OH YEAH!!! Ranking the inherent freedoms that were established with the creation of the United States? NO WAY is this going to be controversial!

10. Amendment II

A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.

Analysis: Sorry Republicans, this one is pretty dumb. Well, looks like I failed at that "no controversy" thing right from the start.

9. Amendment IX

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

Analysis: I know this sounds like a good thing. It essentially says, "Hey, just because we forgot about something doesn't mean that you don't also have that right too." Which is SUPER vague. Madison and Hamilton argued that naming specific rights would cause problems if you forgot any, so this was sort of a compromise that nobody wanted. Some people try to read some sort of "right" into this Amendment -- what with this whole thing being called the "Bill of Rights" and all. But the most common scholarly interpretation is that it doesn't infer any rights, it merely is an instruction on how to read the Constitution.

8. Amendment X

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people.

Analysis: As with the Ninth Amendment, the Tenth Amendment isn't actually really seen as a new "right" to most constitutional scholars - merely a "reaffirmation" or "truism" about the nature of the federal system that is explicitly explained elsewhere in the Constitution.  The "or to the people" clause is a bit tricky and vague (yet again).  So which rights go to the states? Which rights go to the people?  

7. Amendment III

No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

Analysis: I mean this is good and everything since I don't need soliders in my house eating all my snacks, but not as good as the six other rights below. And since it has the "in time of war it's okay" clause, it's fairly useless.

6. Amendment VIII

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

Analysis:  Way to not even bother to define "excessive", "cruel", or "unusual" so that this can pretty much be read any way people feel like reading it. How much is excessive? What is cruel?  Do we judge these things by what the Founding Fathers were thinking? Did the Founding Fathers even agree what these meant? They usually disagreed on a lot of stuff. Obviously these assholes didn't think slavery was cruel or unusual. 

 5. Amendment VI

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.

Analysis: Again, this is a great and important right. I'm not dissing it by putting it as the fifth best. There are just even better ones.  It's good to have a speedy trial so that they can't arrest you and have you rot in jail forever without being put on trial. Although if you pay attention to the news, it seems like that sort of still happens all the time anyway.  The other clauses are all great too - the importance of local jurisdiction, an impartial jury, being told what charges you're faced with, being able to confront witnesses against you and have witnesses for you, the right to a lawyer. All great stuff. 

4. Amendment VII

In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

Analysis: The right to a trial by jury is great. How terrible would it be if one asshole judge could just decide someone's fate in a criminal trial? That would be absolutely susceptible to corruption. This is also a SUPER straight forward amendment. You don't need to dance around to try to interpret what it means. There is no vagueness. Good work on this one. 

Did they write this in invisible ink or something?
GET BETTER PENS!

3. Amendment V

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

Analysis: Wow, there is a LOT packed in this one. Most people just know the "I plead the fifth" part about not having to "be a witness" against yourself. But there is a lot more here. Before you can be put on trial you need to be indicted by a grand jury. You can't be charged with the same offense twice, even if you are Ashley Judd and you kill Bruce Greenwood right in front of your parole officer. Due process is required. Your private property can't be seized by the government without you being compensated for it. This country would fall apart without this stuff. 

2. Amendment IV

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Analysis: There is lots of good "trial and court stuff" in the Bill of Rights with Amendments V through VIII.  But even before you get to the court room, it's necessary to make sure that people can't just be fucked with without cause in the first place. Protecting your people and property from being searched without warrants and probable cause is a great and totally necessary amendment. This one can't be seen as "straight forward" as other amendments though, because there are a lot of valid and logical exceptions (exigent circumstances, reduced privacy of motor vehicles, border search, etc.). 

1. Amendment I

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

Analysis: This amendment is freedom itself. This amendment is made of bald eagles, baseball and apple pie. We might as well not have a country without this Amendment. Any country which doesn't guarantee these basic freedoms is a shithole*

 
*(I sometimes pre-write these things and have then auto-publish on a future date. I wrote this well before the "Shithole Countries" thing. But pretty damn crazy accidental timing, right?)