Ed Ranks Rankin/Bass Christmas TV Specials

You know it's Christmas when you see this logo.

It's Christmas time and I'm Rankin' Rankin. Rankin/Bass, that is. The famed production company known for it's holiday season television specials (especially --but not limited to-- the ones done with stop motion).  You've probably seen a couple of these on TV over the last month or so.

Well...here they are, ranked.

18. Santa, Baby! (2001) - Rankin/Bass had been essentially out of business since the 1980s and produced nothing. Then, in 2001 they finally returned in 2001 to make this Gregory Hines / Patti LaBelle story about a frustrated musician and the importance of being kind to your family and animals. Well, they should have stayed out of business and this proved it, as it was the last Rankin/Bass film ever.

17. The Leprechaun's Christmas Gold (1981) - Christmas already has little short people who wear green. They're called elves. There is no reason to bring Leprechauns into this whole Christmas thing.

16. Pinocchio's Christmas (1980) - Remember how everybody was like, "I wish Pinocchio had a sequel, but set at Christmas time"? No? You don't remember that. Well then your memory is good, because nobody was asking for it. Also this brings up some philosophical questions for me. So Pinocchio was a toy, right? Then he became a real boy. So, given that toys have the potential to gain sentience, don't you think it's odd that Pinocchio would be all into a holiday about giving toys?

15. 'Twas the Night Before Christmas (1974) - Santa Claus, who is an asshole (this is pretty well established, I mean just watch #1 below), hears that a newspaper in one town says he doesn't exist, so as a punishment to that whole town, he returns all the letters to the children, unread. So presumably, they will get no gifts because of this one newspaper article which he didn't like. What a dick! But then mice decide to build a clock tower that will somehow trick Santa to coming to the down. This is just all around stupid.

14. The Little Drummer Boy, Book II (1976) - In this sequel (see #8), the little Drummer Boy now has to team up with one of the three magi to prevent, like, greedy Roman soldiers from stealing silver bells. Which is an odd way to mix up actual religious messages with 20th Century commercial Christmas commercialism.  Did I mention that this special is brought to you by the American Gas Association? Because the true spirit of the season is marketing.

Where does July look like this? New Zealand?

13. Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July (1979) - The idea of Rudolph and Frosty together sounds good.  This could have been Rankin/Bass's version of The Avengers where their two superstars teamed up.  Alas, in terms of quality and memorability, it was probably closer to Batman vs. Superman.  There is stuff in here about evil ice wizards, the Queen of the Northern lights, magical amulets that prevent frosty from melting in the summer, etc.  Eh.

12. Frosty's Winter Wonderland (1976) - Frosty, just as he promised to the Children years ago, returns for another Christmas. But the children figure out that Frosty is depressed and that the best way to cheer him up is to make a snow woman for him to HAVE THE SEX WITH!  They make a snow woman, but of course she's not alive like Frosty, because Frosty is only alive because of his magical hat.  But then somehow Frosty brings the the snow woman (now named Crystal) with the power of love. Uh, okay.  Oh, and Jack Frost is also there and wants to steal Frosty's hat (essentially murdering him, right?) for some reason even though he doesn't need the hat because he's already sentient without it. 

11. Rudolph's Shiny New Year (1976) - Santa learns that Father Time needs to find a Baby New Year named Happy that has gone missing, or else all of time-space will break down and there will never be a New Year and it will stay Dec 31st forever. This sounds cool to me because if it stayed the same day forever we would presumably never die, right?  But I guess that sick fuck Santa likes to watch people grow old and die, so he sends Rudolph out to find Happy.  Rudolph finds out that Happy ran away because everyone made fun of his big ears, and the Reindeer can totally relate because everyone made fun of his nose.  Past years are depicted in corporeal forms via islands of the past that can be visited, so Rudolph goes off on a time travel adventure like some sort of Ruminant Doctor Who. I guess that's...cool?

An anime, like Dickens always imagined.

10. The Stingiest Man in Town (1978) - This is an animated remake of a live action musical special from 20+ years before that is itself a remake/retelling of Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol.  Why couldn't they just name it A Christmas Carol?  I'm not sure, maybe because they felt they were drifting too far from the original version by adding stuff in like having the story be narrated by an animated cricket voiced by Tom "Howard Cunningham" Bosley.  Who has a great voice for animation, by the way.  This one is animated, not stop motion, and like others by Rankin/Bass, it was animated in Japan. Yet for some reason though, this one above the others looks very Anime-style.

9. Nestor, the Long–Eared Christmas Donkey (1977) - Clearly a desperate and somewhat sad attempt to create a new "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," Nestor the Long-Earned Christmas Donkey would obviously never be as memorable or good.  As with the Little Drummer Boy, this version oddly mixes up the Santa-version of Christmas with the Jesus-version by having Nestor be Santa's donkey, and yet is also set in Roman times with Nestor stumbling into Joseph and Mary. He helps guide them safely to a manger so that Mary can give birth. I technically believes this makes Nestor a saint and that we should all be worshiping asses. If that's true, than the most pious man of all is Sir Mix-a-Lot.

8. The Little Drummer Boy (1968) - Based on the song, obviously, this follows the story of a young Jewish Drummer Boy who's entire family is BRUTALLY MURDERED and his HOUSE IS BURNED DOWN (Merry Christmas kids!). Because of that, he's now an orphan that hates all people and is only friends with some animals.  He and his animal buddies meet up with the Three Magi but one of his animal buddies, a lamb, is hit by a chariot and is dying. The only way to heal the lamb is to bring him to the lil' baby Jesus.  And while the Three Magi all have gifts for Jesus, the Drummer Boy only has the gift of music.  So yeah, they added a lot to this TV special that wasn't in the song. Can you imagine Bing Crosby and David Bowie singing about burning down a kid's house and murdering his parents?

7. The First Christmas: The Story of the First Christmas Snow (1975) - A little blind boy named Lucas is taken in by a bunch of nuns, including one voiced by Angela Lansbury. The boy is selected to play an angel in a Christmas play, and in a Christmas miracle is able to see again. So I guess God just hates all the other blind kids out there who haven't been cured of their blindness. Tough break, other kids.

6. The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus (1985) -  Based on a children's book by L. Frank Baum, (The Wizard of Oz novel series), is a Santa origin story. Which makes sense. This dude has been giving away presents forever and kids probably want to know why he's not dead yet. Remember how their was that Young Hercules TV show with Ryan Gosling as a prequel to the Kevin Sorbo series? This is that, but with Young Santa. Anyway, he's a great dude who always makes toys for the children, stands up for what's right, battles evil creatures named Awgwas, etc.  After a whole life of doing that, Santa then becomes an old man and he's about to die. Until he's granted immortality for being so awesome. Good work, Santa. At least when you were a mortal. After you lose the fear of death...well...we know how you turn out.

Remember kids: win by cheating!

5. Jack Frost (1979) - So yeah, this is the cute, stop-motion animated one about a winter sprite who falls in love with a human girl. This has nothing to do with the cheesy Michael Keaton film where he's turned into a snowman by a magical harmonica, nor the 1990s horror movie about a serial killer who is turned into a snow monster by magical chemicals. In this one, Father Winter tells Jack that he can be with the human girl he loves, only if he can prove he's worthy of being a human by Spring time.  Jack sort of cheats at this, extending winter by six weeks via making a deal with a groundhog (who narrates the film). What does the groundhog get in return for this? Pretty much THE BEST THING EVER. The groundhog is just lazy and wants to sleep for six more weeks. If I were a groundhog I would pretend to see my shadow every single year so I could sleep for another month and a half.  Does Jack Frost use the extra time to prove himself a worthy human? Of course! By defeating some "evil Cossack" king. Which I feel is pretty racists against Eastern Slavic people, but whatever. This is a good one.

4. Frosty the Snowman (1969) - This is the highest ranking of the traditionally-animated Rankin/Bass Christmas specials, rather than the stop motion-animated ones.  Do I really need to explain this one? A group of schoolkids build a snowman, and then give him a magical hat (literally, a hat that a magician threw away) that makes the snowman sentient. But after that, they realize the horror they have wrought, as Frosty will die a horrible, painful death by melting.  The kids try to take Frosty north enough so that he can not melt, but dumbass Frosty decides going into a greenhouse is a good idea, and the kids find dead Frosty as a pool of water. Fortunately, Santa comes along and (being less of a dick than he usually is) brings Frosty back to life. He and Frosty then go to the North pole, and Frosty promises to come back every winter to visit. He doesn't though. He waits until 1976.

3. The Year Without a Santa Claus (1974) - Remember how Santa shunned an entire town because one person in it wrote an article that they didn't believe in him? (#15).  Well, this time Santa feels marginally sick for a little bit (not even at Christmas time) and says, "Fuck it. Those ungrateful cunts don't appreciate me anyway. I'm taking Christmas off this year. Everyone can suck my balls!" (disclaimer: this exact phrasing might not appear in the special).   Mrs. Claus and everyone else try to tell him he's being a giant fucktard, but he won't listen. So Mrs. Claus sends out two elves (Jingle and Jangle) on a mission with the reindeer, Vixen, to find enough proof that people still love Santa, so that they can bring that proof back to appease tyrant asshole Santas' fragile, wounded ego.  But Jingle, Jangle, and Vixen have difficulty as they're caught in a bunch of crazy situations, including a battle between the Heat Miser and Cold Miser - two yin and yang forces who control the weather.  In the end, the children of the world are forced to send Santa praise and presents. When Santa decides that the foolish mortal children have engaged in enough idolatry of him, his God Complex is fulfilled and he relents on his vacation and decides to work on the one fucking day of the year he's supposed to.

2. Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town (1970) - Mailman Fred Astaire's mail truck breaks down and he figures that while he's waiting for AAA to arrive, he might as well break the 4th wall and talk to the TV viewers, explaining the story of Santa Claus to them. Of course, this story is completely different than the Santa origin above at #6.  Here, Santa is an orphan who is sent by an evil Burgermeister to an orphanage, but who is blown away by a magical wind and adopted by an Elf family named "Kringle" and named "Kris."  Later, when Kris is old enough he wants to give toys to all the children, but the evil Burgermeister bans all toys because he's an asshole. There is another evil asshole called the Winter Warlock, but he turns away from evil after Kris gives him a toy train because I guess he was only evil because nobody had ever bothered to be kind to him before. But the Burgermeister is still a giant dick, and sets up a trap for Kris. Fortunately, the Winter Warlock is now Kris's friend and can do magical stuff like make reindeer fly to help them escape the Burgermeister.  But Kris is still a wanted criminal for his illegal toy-selling, and has to grow a beard and adopt a new name (Santa Claus) as part of his disguise to avoid the Burgermeister. Also, Santa now travels at night to avoid detection.  The Burgermeister is eventually defeated by the slow passage of time - e.g. DEATH. After he's dead, and his Burgermeister descendants also die, people are like "Why the hell are toys illegal exactly?" and they change the laws.  So even though Santa's not an outlaw anymore, he's so used to his fake name, beard, and delivering presents at night, that he just sticks to doing that. Oh, and he also decides to limit his toy-giving to just one day a year, presumably because he's grown lazy.

Dentistry! A satisfying line of work. Or is it?

1. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964) 

I mean obviously this one is the best. Why wouldn't it be? Yes, there are some problems with this story. Why the hell are all the other reindeer such huge assholes to Rudolph? Even Rudolph's dad, Donner, is essentially the dad who has a gay son and tries to make the gay go away by forcing him to play football when all he wants to do is watch Project Runway. Santa is also, as usual, a giant dick to Rudolph too, and shuns him until he decides he has a use for him (to guide his sleigh through stormy weather).  Despite these problems - this is great story with great characters. Burl Ives (aka Sam the Snowman), Hermey the Elf who wants to be a dentist, the Island of Misfit Toys, Yukon Cornelius, the Abominable Snowman, etc.  These characters are all iconic and memorable.  I don't need to make the description long for this one, because if you don't understand what this one is, then you probably deserve to be cruelly bullied just like Rudolph and Hermey were.

Ed Ranks the Names of People in the Domesday Book

In 1086, King William the Conqueror (#6 Best Monarch of England) sat down and had a conversation that I assume was like:

William: You know what? I'm a king, and taxing the people is my primary source of income. Is there any better way to do that?  I feel like I don't know who everyone is and what everyone owns, so I may not be taxing everyone right.

Advisor: Well, your majesty, I'd assume one good way to do that is to figure out what taxes were owed during the reign of your predecessor, King Edward the Confessor.  That will allow you to reassert your rights of the Crown and assess where power lay after the wholesale redistribution of land following your conquest.

William: Great. How exactly do I do that?

Advisor: Well, I suggest you send surveyors throughout the Kingdom. They will go to every town and village and figure out all of the residents who live there. They will learn about all the land and property.

William: And then I can tax all of it?

Advisor: Yep.

William: SO LET IT BE DONE!

And thus, we now have a pretty stunningly accurate description of the taxes, property, and residents of 11th century England that has survived to this day via something now called "the Domesday Book." 

Well, this is unreadable. But whatever.

Well, the book is searchable and online now.  And do you know what I found out when I looked through it? FANTASTIC NAMES. Sometimes they are funny only in hindsight. Sometimes they are funny because it appears that the census/survey taker is being super lazy. And sometimes they are funny because it seems like the townspeople who were being surveyed must have just been fucking with the surveyors.

Here is the absolute worst name in the Domesday Book, as well as the top 40 BEST NAMES.

*LAST PLACE*  Adulf - Yeah, sorry. This name had a good run for probably about 1500 years. It was a perfectly fine and saintly name back then. How big of an asshole do you have to be so that you just RUIN a name that's been used for two millennia so bad that it can never be used again? Pretty bad, is the answer. Stalin was an asshole too, but there are still plenty of Josephs out there.

40. Klak - I just find it funny that there was a time when you could name a guy "Klak." Sir Klak of  Linconshire!!!

39. Wintrehard - This sounds like something you do to your tires in the fall. Oh. This is about English people? Excuse me, I mean "tyres."

38. Pipe - Yeah, this guy is named Pipe. Pipe the Lord of Winscombe.

37. Sweet - You know what else is sweet? This name, that's what.

36. Walkhere - Or walk there. Walk wherever you want.

35. Alric Wintermilk - A little funnier than Wintrehard. What exactly is Wintermilk?

34. Ralph Passwater - I assume this guy peed a lot and so all his friends gave him this nickname.

33. Payne of Compton - Is this a person or is this the name of a failed MC Ren solo album that came out after N.W.A disbanded in '91?

32. Ralph Crooked Hands - Yeah, so this dude had a hand injury. Way to just completely define his existence by that one disability, so that all anyone will ever know about him 1000 years later is that.

31. Beowulf - Apparently, one poor motherfucker was actually named this. I bet they made fun of him.

Plus "Edward" is just a cool name. Am I right, or what?

30. King Edward - There is nothing particularly funny about this name in itself. I'm ranking this because I find it moderately amusing that when King William sent people around to figure out all the property that people owned under the reign of King Edward for tax purposes they were like, "Uh, do we also have to list the property that the King himself owned?"  They apparently answered this question with a "Yes," just in case King William wanted to, I dunno, tax himself or something?  I assume that anything Edward owned went to William, right? Conqueror's prerogative!

29. Godfrey Scullion - A scullion is basically the lowest ranking person in a kitchen and also came to be a generic term for people of the lowest class. So was this dude the lowest of the low? A filthy kitchen beggar?  Nope, he was Lord and Tenant-in-Chief of Herston. 

28. Roger Bigot - Bigot, wow. That's a pretty messed up name. Although in fairness, it's probably one of those "it depends how you translate it" issues. This guy was a notable enough Lord to have a Wikipedia article about him, and there they spell it "Bigod."  One of his descendants is the Bigot character in Shakespeare's King John play. Fun fact?

27. Mylnugrim - This is just a funny name. Why aren't we still naming kids Mylnugrim?

26. Girls, two - So I guess here the survey takers found two girls and tried to figure out who they were, but then just gave up and wrote down in their notes, "Two Girls," and decided that their property had a taxable value 0.7 geld units. The real question is if the girls also had one cup.

25. Hwelp - I have no idea what this is. Is it a name or is an onomatopoeia of the sound a whip makes?

24. Snot - Yep, so this guy is named "Snot."  And I thought that the "Puke and Snot" act at the Renaissance Fair had stupid, unbelievable names. I stand corrected. 

23. Fish - "Hi there everybody, my name is Fish. Nope. Not a nickname. I'm Fish." It was either that, or the tax collectors decided that a herring owned land.

22. Abba - Abba may be listed in the Domeday Book as a Male, but we all know he was a dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen.

21. Frodo - I mean this shouldn't be funny, but it is. We all know that when authors are creating their High Fantasy novels that they steal from medieval European names that sound old and fancy. Still though. Frodo.

20. Siward the Fat (See also Hugh the Large) - Guys who must have so annoyed the Domesday census takers that they were just written down as fatasses in the official books.

19. William the Gross - Gross probably also means "fat," but I'd like to think that there were two Williams in the town of Chawston, Bedfordshire and everyone just hated this one because he was the William that farted and ate his boogers.

18. Judicael the Falconer - Surprisingly not the name of a hipster band, but I'm sure it will be soon.

17. Azelina, wife of Ralph Tallboys (See also: Ivo Tallboys & Ralph Tallboys' daughter) - I don't know much about the lives of Ralph and Ivo Tallboys, but I assume they must have spent their times as English lords sitting on their castle front porches, wearing wife-beaters, and sipping on 24oz cans of Schlitz.

16. Pigman, One - My brain tells me that this is probably referring to some farmer that raised hogs. But my heart tells me that this was a half-man, half-pig.

15. Hugh the Ass - What the fuck did Hugh do to the census takers to get them to just straight up call him an ass?  I guess Hugh knew these guys were around to collect taxes and was pretty confrontational.

14. Smelt the Priest - This seems less like a person's name and more like an order handed down, commanding knights to extract precious metals from a clergyman by a process involving heating and melting him.

Watch out for the Drows, Morcar!

13. Morcar the Priest of Luton - Holy shit, I have no idea how to play Dungeons and Dragons, but if I ever do I already have my character's name. This is it, people.

12. Priest, One-Half - Holy fuck! What happened here? So the Domesday survey people came to the town of Middleton in Suffolk and found... what?... half of a priest laying on the ground? Was he sliced in half? And they still put him in the book!  Is this what happened to Smelt when they were done with him?

11. Skeet - Yep, I love it. Skeet. Skeet the Motherfucking Lord of Dersingham, Edgefield, Overstrand, Binham, Wells Next to the Sea, Sloley, and Worstead. Looks like he lost all his Lordships after 1066 though. I guess poor Skeet picked the wrong side.

10. Cripple, One - Well, this is pretty messed up. These survey guys were just rude.

9. Robert the Bastard - I know that this simply means that Robert was born out of wedlock, but it seems a bit harsh that they call him out like that.

Danger, danger, danger!

8. Croc the Hunter - That's right, kiddos. Steve Irwin was indeed counted in the Domesday survey of 1085-1086.  RIP Steve.

7. Another Godric (See also several other "Another X"es) - Godric is a pretty common name in the Domesday Book. There are tons of Godrics. After a while the survey takers were like, "FUCK! Another Godric?!" Then they just wrote down "Another Godric."

6. Free Men, Eight and Four Halves -  Four halves? Four halves? Don't these survey-takers know how fractions work?  That's two. They found eight men and an additional two men in Cretingham.  This should say "Free Men, Ten."

5. God - So, I'm pretty sure this is how this went down:

Surveyor: So, what's your name?

Some Dude: Uhhh... God?

Surveyor: *sigh* Really? Really?

"God:" Y-yes. Obey me, feeble mortal.

Surveyor: Oh, screw it. I don't have time for this. I need to get to the next town. I'm just going to write down "God." Have a good day, sir.

4. Someone - So this time the surveyors got really, really, REALLY lazy. They reached the town. They saw someone. And so they wrote down, "Someone."

3. Robert the Lascivious (Robert the Pervert) - So this online version of the Domesday Book translates the Latin writing into English as "Lascivious," being defined in the modern day as "feeling or revealing an overt and often offensive sexual desire."  But several other sources seem to translate this as "Robert the Pervert." So, yeah. That's quite the legacy you've left for yourself, Rob.

2. Roger God-Save-Ladies - So this hilarious dickwad just was like, "Yeah, God save the ladies when I'm around. If you know what I mean! Hahahaha! Write that down!"

Basically, this.

1. Humphrey Goldenbollocks 

Yes, here we have the winner. Humphrey GoldenBalls. They asked him what his name was. This probably happened inside of a pub. He told them that everyone called him Golden Balls. Everyone around the pub laughed. The surveyor was like "Are you messing with me?" And Humphrey was like, "No, no! I swear! That's my name! Everyone calls me that. Right everyone?!"  And while holding back their giggling, all the other guys at the pub tried to put on their most sincere face and agreed that this guy was, indeed, named "Goldenballs." Thus a millennium later, we know nothing about this man other than he got away with telling this surveyor that he was famed for his gold-covered nutsack. Yet despite knowing so little about him, this man should indeed be considered a legend! I salute you, Goldenballs!

Ed Ranks eBay Results for "The Bones of My Enemies"

The Aztecs knew how to party. With, you know, walls of skulls.

Hey, remember eBay?  Do people still use it?  It's where I bought all my old Transformers in the early 2000s.

Well, now it's 2018 and I was thinking what I might want to purchase on eBay today. The first thing that came to my mind was, "The Bones of my Enemies," for no reason at all.  And since I am not a Saudi Prince, I can't just arrange that myself via hit squad.  But could I buy them on eBay? Well, apparently not.  But what were the top 10 results for that specific search term, based on my own prioritization of results?   Well, they were these...

10. The Temple of My Familiar by Alice Walker (paperback) - Wait. What? This doesn't really match any of the search terms I entered other than  the words "of" and "my."  What a terrible failure you are, eBay.

9. Several Novels titled "In The Presence Of My [or Mine] Enemies" - There were, like, 30 different books with this exact same name, which is annoying.  Based on that, I figured it must be a bible quote.  Is it a bible quote?  Yep.  This one pretty much only hit on the word "enemies."

8.  A Book named "Inheritors of My Mountains: Contending with the Enemies of Destiny" - This is a book, and hence it is boring. READING IS LAME. YOU'RE LAME FOR EVEN READING THIS NOW. 

7. A Book named "The Cellophane Men: The Enemy of My Enemies : The Johnson Years (1963 - 1969)" - Another book, I guess this time a nonfiction account of President Lyndon Johnson's presidency.  Why even bother reading an LBJ bio if it's not by Robert Dallek? I mean come on.

6. I'M NOT PARANOID, WHICH OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THAT? T-Shirt All Sizes - A T-Shirt that says exactly what that sentence says it says. I guess it's sort of funny.

5. Tears of My Enemies Women V-Neck T-shirt NEW - Same joke as the coffee mug (see #3 below), but I guess for women only and minus the sweet Viking element.

4. Blood of My Enemies [Digipak] by Attika 7 (CD, 2012, Rocket Science) NEW Sealed - This is a CD by a metal band you have never heard of that hasn't paid to keep up their website with GoDaddy. So I guess they're inactive. Their lead singer is that guy from Biohzard that keeps marrying pornstars.  I'm not saying 100% he has HPV, but he probably has HPV.  Hey, the whole album is $1.99, which is only a few cents more than buying one song.  I dunno. Maybe check out some YouTube videos first and see if you're in to them before you spend a whole two bucks on this.

3. Scandinavian Norse Viking Ceramic Coffee Tea Mug The Tears of my Enemies - A coffee mug with a horn-capped skull and crossbones (well, cross-axes), stating that the coffee mug contains "the Tears of my Enemies."  This is awesome.  But I think it would be cooler if it was blood of my enemies. Tears?  Vikings weren't well known for collecting tears.  This seems like it's probably just a riff on the "liberal tears" coffee mugs that white supremacists that deny that they are white supremacists enjoy drinking from.

2. Blood Of My Enemies Wine Glass 10oz / 20oz Stemmed / 17oz Stemless - Yeah, a nice, clear drinking glass that states it contains the blood of my enemies. This is good. Blood is much better than tears. But probably only effective if you're drinking red Kool-Aid.  What particular flavor?  I just told you.  Red.  Oh wait. Wine. This is probably for drinking wine since that's red too.  Even better!

1. I Just Want to Drink Mead From The Skulls Of My Enemies - Hanes Tagless Tee T-Shirt 

SWEEEEEEET. This is pretty much exactly what I was looking for with this search. Instead of getting "bones" I got "skulls," but the skull is a bone. So this one was near perfect.  Also, mead is nice because it's alcohol and I have a drinking problem.  Also, its like something that medieval people liked to drink.  I mean, you can get it from the Renaissance faire.

Ed Ranks Titles of Nobility (By How Cool they Sound)

Honestly, crowns should be a thing we all get to wear.

So look, I can't name every sort of title from all over the world. So I apologize to all the Shahs, Samrats, Shieks, Kabakas, Atabegs, Junkers, and Khans out there. Fifteen seems like quite enough titles of nobility.

This is also, as noted, by how cool they sound. So while am "Emperor" is technically the highest... I mean... does the word "Emperor" really sound that cool? I guess you'll see soon!

15. Earl / Countess - Ugh. "Earl" is just the worst and only the English used it. Everyone else used the much cooler "Count." They didn't even bother to give female Earls a name. They just called them Countesses because it's so awesome. Earless would be awful because then everyone would say, "No m'am, I can quite clearly see that you have both ears."

See how stupid this looks?

14.  Dauphin / Dauphine - Why the hell is the heir apparent of the French throne named after this stupid, murderous sea mammal with a blowhole?  I'm not kidding. It's not just a coincidence that this title sounds like the English word "dolphin." It sounds like it because it's the same word. The Coat of arms of the Dauphin of France has two little dolphin logos in it, along with the fleur-de-lis. This is just silly. Imagine going around all day and everyone calls you a dolphin.

13. Elector / Electress - An Elector back in the Holy Roman Empire actually had a lot of power and influence. In many ways, they were sort of a king. But time has not held up the word "elector" as a super important title. What with democracy and all now, everyone gets to be an elector. So now you don't sound so special. Although to be honest, the feminine form of "Electress" sounds pretty cool. Like some comic book woman who can shoot out bolts. A lady version of Static Shock. Somebody call Zendaya now.

12. Caesar (Kaiser/Kaiserin, Tsar/Tsarina) - Honestly, Caesar and all it's forms are just named after some dude. There was a guy name Caeser. Everyone stabbed him. They named future emperors after him. It's sort of boring.

11. Knight/Dame - Being a Knight or Dame is cool, but it's not that cool. I know I said I wasn't ranking these according to the actual rank it entails, but this is the lowest rank of nobility. It's nobility lite. It's the sort of nobility that people are awarded as an honor for just living a long time. It's pretty much lost its associated with killing filthy Saracens on the battlefield.

10. Duke / Duchess - I actually don't like the term Duke that much. Or Duchess, for that matter. It's sort of blah. But then again as a University of Maryland graduate, I was taught to scream FUCK DUKE!!! And how weird is it that G.I. Joe had both a Duke and a Baroness? I thought this show was supposed to be about REAL AMERICAN heroes. Real Americans discard titles of nobility, Duke. We sort of fought a few wars over it. It's kind of our thing. Also, it's impossible to be the Duke of Earl, people. That makes no sense at all.

Yeah, yeah. We get it Napoleon. You're cool.

9. Emperor / Empress - I know that this is the most powerful title on the list, but I just think the term is sort of boring. Emperor. Emperor. Emperor. Saying it over and over, I just don't like the sound. Other than in Japan, nobody bothers to actually call their ruler an Emperor anymore these days. The original word it's based on, the Latin Imperator, sounds cooler and also has more of a "military leader" connotation to it that the term would eventually lose. Whatevs!

8.  Prince / Princess - Princes and Princesses don't really sound that powerful or competent. People dream of becoming these because they want to live a fairy-tale life. It disregards the fact that one day you might become the ruling monarch and actually have to become competent. When I think of a Prince, I think of some foppish dandy with frills who rides around on a horse and laughs. There are so many more cool terms than "Prince" out there that I'd rather be called to show off authority.

7. Baron / Baroness - Okay, the winner in these paired terms is obviously Baroness. Baroness just sounds so cool. I would love to be married to a Baroness. It just sounds like you're a boss. Baron by itself is just sort of meh and makes me think of the Red Baron from Peanuts or, you know, the pizza.

Ah, The Onion.

6. Archduke / Archduchess - I didn't think "Duke" was all that cool, but "Archduke" is an amazing title. See? That one little addition of "Arch" turned something kind of bland into something fabulous.

5. King / Queen - These words are universally associated with power and authority, so I guess they're pretty cool. But then again, they are also a little overplayed. Linguistically, you can tell it's some gruff old Anglo-Saxon word that got bastardized.

4. Viscount / Viscountess - Remember how adding "Arch" to Duke" made it cooler? The same doesn't apply to "Vis" and "Count." Does Vis work like Vice and it's like being Vice President? As in... this guy is less than a Count? A Count in training? I dunno. Just don't mess with Count, man. This title is super cool and everything, but not as cool as Count by itself.

3. Marquis / Marchioness - As horrible as "Dauphin" is as a French title, they more than make up for it with the title of Marquis.  Holy crap, it would be amazing if I could introduce myself to people as Marquis Ed.

2. Count / Countess - Count is just a cool term. I'd love to be a Count. In terms of rank, it means the same thing as Earl but Earl sounds stupid while Count sounds cool. Count Dracula. Count Orlok. The Count from Sesame Street. Countess Báthory, Count... uhhh... Chocula. Hrm. Damn. Are all Counts just vampires? No! Count Olaf! And then there is James Bond's wife Tracy, who was technically Contessa Teresa di Vicenzo. And in real life, all those old, cool French Counts. Richard I was Count of Poitiers, Anjou, Maine, and Nantes. Count is an awesome title, people.

1. Viceroy / Vicereine - I don't know why I like the title "Viceroy" so much, but I just do. It sounds so damn cool. I get that linguistically I should have the same problem with it that I do with Viscount (e.g. Vice meaning "in place of" and roy meaning "king/regent."). A viceroy isn't that super high ranking, all things considered. To a large part, it's just an administrative title. As in, "Hey, we need a competent person to rule the far-off territories in this vast empire in place of the king because the king is too busy being inbred and crazy." I don't think it's assumed the Viceroy's position will be hereditary and his or her kids will also get to be Viceroys. Still. Viceroy. Viceroy Ed. I like it!

Ed Ranks Replies to this NatGeo Tweet that All Make the Same Joke

The worm liquefies prey, which it then sucks through its mouth, excreting waste from the same opening later https://t.co/E9GpQcpLRK

— National Geographic (@NatGeo) October 23, 2018

On October 23, National Geographic Tweeted about a worm that excretes shit from its mouth. Almost everyone made the exact same joke in response. Well, here they are. I don't really need to provide extensive commentary or analysis. But for the top 5, I'll give my reasons why those ones stood out.

30. Trump Worm - michael panelo

29. Trump worm? - Nik Cannon

28. Just like tRump! - Greg

27.  The @realDonaldTrump  worm - Stephen John Ford

26.  @realDonaldTrump ??? - Ric Flair

25. Is it the Trump Worm? - Halas Hall

24. Should be called the trump worm - Luna

23. They should call it the Trump worm - Dan Grosz

22. What's its name....Donald Trump? - wendy flowers

21. I thought that was Trump - man of mystery

20. So basically Trump. - Alicia Melby

19. I always thought that Trump is a worm. - Deborah Johnson

18. Sounds just like @realDonaldTrump - Aline Menezes

17.  Just like president trump then ❓ - will

16. Reminds me of the 🇺🇸 President. - Jeanny 🦄

15. Didn't realize that strange worm was another name for Donald trump. - Hayden (secret slitheen) Parker

14. Sounds presidential - Dr Tony Peters DC

13. Reminds me of the entire administration of @realdonaldtrump - Persist Nevertheless

12. Ah, the Trump worm. - Drew's a Daddy!

11.  Trump’s spirit animal? - Ashid Mapanzigan

10. this worm does the same thing ... [photoshop of Trump with an asshole for a mouth] - riddimreddy

9. If it registered as republican it would be elected into office - sierrabear

8. Sounds like that worm could win a Republican presidential primary. - Nathan Cook

7.  Well, now we know Trump's direct lineage. - KatsMeow

6. Interesting to read how we all pretty much agree on "who" it represents. 🧐 - WomanWithNoHead🎸

5. -This strange president's mouth is also its anus - Brian Lawrence

• Ed: It's funny if you imagine the Tweet as being narrated by Sir David Attenborough.

4. The latin name for this worm is Donaldus Trumpus. #DonaldTrump - TheChewhuahau

• Ed: A Latin name joke at least required a little, tiny bit of innovation.

3. I’m still amazed it managed to become president. Dream big! - bill brasky

• Ed: Inspirational! 

2. Sounds like a president we all hate. [gif of a cartoon of Trump's mouth actually spewing out feces] - drolkrad

• Ed: This one gets credit for an actual relevant gif. 

1.  <Insert joke about Donald Trump here> - TheLEGObrick

•  Ed: A minimalist joke. I like it.

Ed Ranks Subway Sandwiches

Let us never speak of Jared again.

Man, I sure do talk about food stuff a lot, huh? It was just the other day I was talking about Thanksgiving sides. Well, I guess you can tell I’m fat. Here are the 16 subs that Subway says are currently available:

16. Turkey Breast - You must be a very boring person to go to Subway and order a turkey breast sub.

15. Veggie Delight - You’re boring too, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt by assuming you have some moral reason and objection to the killing of animals that makes you order this. Still though.

14. Black Forest Ham - Come on people, you can clearly make this at home yourself. Buy some ham from the grocery store! This isn’t that hard!

13. Classic Tuna - I’m not really sure I understand the appeal of tuna + mayonnaise. I’d eat it as a kid, I guess.  I can’t recall a single time in the last 20 years though when I was like, “Oh man, I need a tuna salad sandwich.”

12. Roast Beef - As with some of the others above, it takes no effort to make this at home if you really like roast beef sandwiches. It’s not a fancy sandwich with multiple types of cured meats that you need to mix, match, and figure out the correct ratios for ultimate taste delight. It’s just roast beef.

11. Oven Roasted Chicken - The most boring warm-meat sandwich you can get here. The plain chicken they have is seemingly for you to dip other sauces onto like ranch or teriyaki. Yet some people who go to Subway are so basic that they are just like, “No thanks. Plain, aggressively unseasoned chicken for me, please!”

10. Rotisserie-Style Chicken - I suppose this is supposed to have more flavor than the oven roasted one, but I’ve never ordered it.  Still, I bet there’s no way this tastes as good as some real rotisserie chicken.

9. Cold Cut Combo - A way to trick grown adults into ordering a bologna sandwich. Well played, Subway. Well played.

8. Spicy Italian - For those of you who enjoy the Italian BMT but think to yourself, “Hey, I wanted to be robbed of one of the ingredients and get less meat.” Why even bother to have this on the menu when they already have the BMT?

7. Steak & Cheese - Cheesesteaks are delicious… but do you really trust the “steak” that comes from Subway? Do you?

6.  Chipotle Cheesesteak - As above, but with a mildly spicy sauce that isn’t really spicy at all, but hey… at least it’s trying!

Behold, a lie with no bacon.

5. Subway Club - Club sandwiches are the best sandwiches, so this could be the best. Unfortunately, this club is a bit of a lie. Club sandwiches have bacon. That’s a fact. This sandwich has ham, turkey and roast beef. Those are all correct. Good work on those, Subway. BUT YOU’RE MISSING THE BACON! Sure, you can add bacon on. But that costs more. So points down for failing to deliver the key club ingredient.

4. Chicken & Bacon Ranch Melt - A standard chicken sandwich can be vastly improved with the addition of ranch. This is not an opinion. This is a fact. Also, bacon my friends. See, Subway Club… that wasn’t that hard, was it?

3. Italian BMT - The best cold sandwich on the menu. Salami. Pepperoni. Ham. Accept no substitutes. And don’t be tricked by the Spicy Italian.

2. Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki - An amazing sandwich, brought forth by the gods who blessed us all with its glorious conception.

1. Meatball Marinara - I am fairly sure that this has to be the least healthy sub on the menu, right?  I know it’s bad loving the least healthy sub on the menu at a place which is all about giving you healthy options and telling you how many calories are in your meal. But meatballs + cheese + marinara sauce + bread  = magic. Also, add in other stuff if you want too, I guess. Hot peppers, for one. Those are the best.

Ed Ranks Films Based on Michael Crichton Novels

Protip: This film is awful. Do not watch.

Michael Crichton was (RIP) a prolific writer of drama, especially with a light-touch sci-fi / "techno thriller" twist. Many of his novels were adapted into films, with mixed results. If you’re looking for Westworld to be here, you won’t find it because even though he wrote the script for it, it wasn’t originally a novel. Here the 11 films are, ranked:

11. Congo (1995) - Wow, what a shitshow this film was. Looking at the un-special effects, it’s hard to believe that this came out AFTER Jurassic park. This film is pretty much a poorly-thought out rip off of Romancing the Stone, but with really bad great apes that look like they escaped from the Jim Henson Workshop. Look, it’s really hard for me to diss any film with Tim Curry because Tim Curry is the best, but this one? Yikes.

10. Timeline (2003) - A film with Paul Walker (also RIP) and Gerard Butler before anyone knew who those two guys were. Crichton’s book itself wasn’t exactly A++ material, as it was a somewhat shoddy time travel story. But at least it could have been adapted into a stupid fun film where you looked past its plot hole and enjoyed the ride. This major motion picture, however, winds up having the look, feel, and (presumably) budget of a really, really bad SyFy Channel TV movie.

9. Sphere (1998) - A mysterious sphere is found at the bottom of the ocean. Is it alien? Is it from the future? The past? Why is the sphere sending out the 1990's version of angry Tweets threatening to kill people? Nothing makes sense about this, and so the Navy must call on a ragtag group of non-military scientist/civilians to help them out.  The novel read was enjoyable, albeit predictable in a number of ways. The film adaption was less amazing, despite having Sharon Stone, Samuel Motherfucking Jackson, and… wait… is that Huey Lewis?! Barry Levinson should probably stick to dramas about how miserable Baltimore is.

More like "The Terrible Film."

8. The Terminal Man (1974) - A young version of that guy from Just Shoot Me and The Goldbergs has seizures and gets a microchip implanted in his brain to stop them. Unfortunately, the microchip also for some reason gives him pleasure from being a sadistic asshole, so he of course goes around being a sadistic asshole. Crichton was arguably ahead-of-his-time with many of his ideas, thinking of new stories for films that Hollywood hadn’t dared to do movies about before. This film touched upon Cyberpunk and post-human themes before many other films walked on the same grounds. Unfortunately, it did it sort of shittily. This was a common problem with 1970s films though. Bell bottoms and those haircuts ruin almost everything.

7. Disclosure (1994) - Michael Douglas just seems to attract insane women, as this film is basically Fatal Attraction, Part 2.  Douglas’s new lady stalker is Demi Moore (not a bad lady stalker to have). But when he spurs her (we all know nobody would spurn Demi Moore, especially not this sex addict), instead of cooking a bunny rabbit Demi Moore makes up sexual harassment allegations about him. Since this is a Crichton story though -- some completely unnecessary sci-fi element had to be added, and thus all the players in this film are working for a computer company and, for no good reason at all, they force in a totally unnecessary “virtual reality” sequence that adds ZERO and easily could have been left out of the film. Meh.

6. The 13th Warrior (1999) - Based on Crichton’s The Eaters of the Dead, this film is about Antonio Banderas being an Arab ambassador/poet/warrior dude that’s exiled for having sex with the wrong noble’s wife (eh, it happens). In his exile, he’s sent to hang out with some Vikings, including a dude named “Buliwyf.” Apparently these Vikings are dealing with some pretty nasty demonic entities named the “Wendol.” That’s right. If you’re having a hard time recognizing what this story is based on, obviously your high school English teachers failed you. But the film and novel are really only half-based on Beowulf, since the other half is actually based on the actual writings of a real Arab dude who hung out with Vikings in the 10th Century. I shit you not. The fictionalized story adds in the part about a prophecy demanding that 13 Warriors must face the Wendol to defeat them, and one of the Warriors must not be a Viking (hence Banderas’ convenient appearance). Critics and general audiences were divided on the film, with audiences liking it a lot more than the critics. In the end it’s a somewhat enjoyable--although pretty standard--action film. The book is a lot better, and is a perfect example of a hard-to-translate to film novel. This is because the novel was written as if it were narrated as a scientific commentary on an old manuscript, which is pretty awesome. The difficulty in turning that format into a film is clear, given that the novel was released in 1976 and it took until 1999 for anyone to figure out how to “movie” it.

5. The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997) - So yeah, Jurassic Park was huge. Huuuuuuge. Huge. Obviously there was going to be a sequel to the movie based on the Michael Crichton novel. So Michael Crichton went ahead and wrote a sequel novel (he’d never written a sequel before) called “The Lost World,” and said, “Here you go, Hollywood! Enjoy!” Then Hollywood said, “Great, we’ll take the title and pretty much none of the rest of anything you wrote.” In fairness, the film starts off sort of similar to the novel in that Ian Malcolm has to to go back to dinosaur land and visit a “Site B” second island. And I know I’m ranking the films here instead of the books, but book-wise this made no sense because Crichton actually killed off Malcolm in the first book. But that damn Jeff Goldblum is so charismatic, they had to bring him back! Anyway, the movie replaces a somewhat interesting techno-thriller story about genetic manipulation inserted into the dinosaurs and shortening their lifespan with a “Hey, let’s box them up and bring them to the United States!” idea so that they can show dinosaurs running around in the streets of America. Ugh.

Seriously though. File your taxes.

4. Rising Sun (1993) - The folks on IMDB and Rotten Tomatoes don’t rank this one so high, but fuck em’.  I say this film about Los Angeles cops Wesley Snipes and Sean Connery (and Tia Carrere!!!) investigating the murder of a white hooker at a Japanese tech firm in THE EXECUTIVE FUCK ROOM is awesome. It’s really a pretty good detective story / murder mystery and I didn’t find myself immediately figuring out what was going on or who did it. It also had a twist that for 1993 would have been pretty new -- that video tape evidence of a crime was manipulated and there was some face swapping done. Sorry if that’s a spoiler, but the film is from 1993 and you should have seen it by now. Today, we take that type of digital manipulation for granted when we replace every single actor with Nicholas Cage.

3. The Andromeda Strain (1971) - A team of scientists investigate a deadly organism from space after a satellite crashes into the Earth and kills everyone in a small town...and a director has way too much fun extensively using split screens. The alien virus also wants to kill everyone with a nuclear meltdown and stuff too. And something something about PH levels affecting it. Look, the “science” part of the science fiction here isn’t the strong point (it never is with Crichton) - but the “fiction” part is great and it’s a great story. This movie is probably the film that sticks most closely to the Crichton novel. It’s a good one. A good enough one so that parts of this film pretty much wrote every single Third Doctor story for the first two years of Doctor Who’s run in the early 1970s. I’m just saying.

2. The Great Train Robbery (1979) - The only Crichton theatrical release based on one of his own novels that he directed himself (aside from some 13th Warrior re-shoots), The Great Train Robbery is about master-thief Sean Connery and his plan to steal a shipment of gold from a British train back in the 1850s, based (loosely) on a real 1885 robbery. In the end, the film deviated a bit from the actual novel and went from a serious tone to more of a low-key comedy. And I repeat to you, Michael Crichton both wrote the novel and directed the film while penning its screenplay. That means that Michael Crichton took a story from Michael Crichton and said, “Fuck it, that’s stupid. What kind of idiot wrote this? Let’s make this story funny instead!” And making it funny worked. Why? Sean Connery is hilarious, that’s why. Yeah, we all remember that Connery’s James Bond was a suave, manly secret agent. But we often forget that he was the best Bond because his Bond was also a silly, ludicrous, pun-making, goofball fuckwit who mostly just accidentally stumbled into victory over SPECTRE and endless vagina.

Watch this every time it's on TV.

1. Jurassic Park (1993) - I’m not sure of exactly what to write here. I don’t need to explain the film or story to you. Nor do I need to justify why this is number one. It’s obviously number one. Dinosaurs are awesome. God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man loves dinosaurs. Man creates dinosaurs. Dinosaurs eat man. Woman inherits the earth. Amazing special effects that are still better than the shoddy CG effects coming out 25 years later. This is a GREAT film and a great story, and you can see why people were thirsty to turn more Crichton novels into films after the success of this one, despite the fact that Crichton wasn’t exactly a new kid on the block and his novels had already been turning into films for years though. Still, it greatly expanded after 1993… much to our regret with some of those doozies like Congo.