Ed Ranks Post-April 2020 Chad Michael Murray Roles by How Much They Sound Like Chad Michael Murray Roles

Guys, an important update here. In April 2020 I posted a blog titled "Ed Ranks Chad Michael Murray Roles by How Much They Sound Like Chad Michael Murray Roles" implying that he was an extremely caucasian actor. However, it's now 2023, and Chad Michael Murray is still starring in things, and he is still extremely white.  And while CMM's career has taken a turn in the "direct-to-video" and "Hallmark Christmas movies" direcion, that is by no means going to stop us from DOING THIS AGAIN! 

9. Ted Bundy (Ted Bundy: American Boogeyman, 2021) - Wow. Yikes. No. No no no no noooooo. Why would anyone cast CMM as Ted Bundy?  People say Ted Bundy was handsome for a seriel killer, but I mean go back and look at pictures. 70's handsome must have been different because that man is no Chad Michael Murray. Anyway, I'm supposed to be ranking these "character" names by how incredibly white they sound, and while Ted Bundy is a quite white name - it doesn't scream ascot-wearing country club white. It screams deranged ladykiller. Which is not what I think of when I think of Chad Michael Murray roles. 

8. Frederick Balzary (Fortress, 2021 & Fortress: Sniper's Eye, 2022) - A duo of direct to video films with a barely-there Bruce Willis with dementia. Pretty sad. But Balzary is way too "ethnic" for CMM. I think its Hungarian (it's actually the real surname of Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers). Yes, Hungarians are white. But Chad Michael Murray's white-named film roles have to sound like the type of white that would keep the Eastern European whites out. 

7. Kevin Vaughn (Toying With the Holidays, 2021) - Kevin is pretty white, and I think Vaughn is sort of a Welsh name or something. I'm not feeling it though. Doesn't seem CMM-ey enough for me. 

6. Paul Barnett (Too Close for Christmas, 2020) - Okay, heading in the right direction. Still. Paul is too sophisticated and classic of a name for this total and literal CHAD. 

5. Joel Sheehan (Colors of Love, 2021) - Same as above. Sheehan sounds Irish AF, which is getting towards what we're looking for. Joel is all wrong though. 

4. Eric (Survive the Game, 2021) - Another direct-to-video with Bruce Willis. Eric sort of works, but the lack of a last name hurts. They could really up'ed the Chad Michael Murray-ness of this character by giving him a very CMM last name. Lost opportunity. 

3. Gabriel (Angel Falls Christmas, 2021) - This one only works if he's technically Gabriel but goes by "Gabe." CMM is a total Gabe. 

2. Cal Jones (Sullivan's Crossing, 2023) - HELL YES! CORRECT! Chad Michael Murray is 100% a Cal. He is a Cal 4LYFE! 

1. Brody Bradshaw (Sand Dollar Cove, 2021) - Brody? BRODY?! Ohmygod if "Cal" is a 100% CMM name than "Brody" has to be like a 110% CMM name. Chad Michael Murray was born to be a Brody and should never play another character that isn't named Brody ever again. And Brody BRADSHAW? Alliterative! EVEN BETTER! 

Ed Ranks Every Olivia Rodrigo Song

It's obvious where the kiddos should turn when they want to hear the latest about Olivia Rodrigo: a barely active blog written by a 42-year-old man who really only listens to rock and metal. Well, you're in luck because I'm ranking all of Livvy's (that's what they call her, right? How do you do, fellow kids?) 23 song from her two albums - SOUR and GUTS (I know technically she also sings songs from Disney Channel shows, but no those aren't making these rankings,and neither are random "bonus" tracks that appear on limited editions of albums).  

Now I know what you’re thinking: “Ed, seems like a pretty difficult task to rank 23 straight sad songs about ex-boyfriends.” But that’s where you’re wrong because only like 65% of them are sad songs about ex-boyfriends. There are also angry and sarcastic songs about ex-boyfriends too. 

Why do this though? I mean… something something… witty, genre-transcending voice of her generation that comfortably shifts between pop and rock with emotionally-compelling songs… something something… universal relatability… something something ability to capture feelings of disillusionment, heartbreak, growing pains… something something mental health, the pressures of sudden stardom, societal expectations for young women… something? Look, I’m not a music or social critic, I just rank things. So, if I had to provide an answer for why I’m doing this ranking… maybe it’s because she likes to swear. A LOT. Which, as someone who has had my blogger posts taken down because they contain too much swearing, I can fucking appreciate. Oh, and I guess also because she’s a smokeshow.

23. 1 step forward, 3 steps back

• Memorable Lyrics: “You got me fucked up in the head, boy”
• Number of Swear Words: 1 (fucked)
• Analysis: My least favorite Olivia Rodrigo song upon listening through her two albums. To me it sounds like a fairly "meh" angsty song that any teenage girl might write. It’s not very complex or witty like she usually is – the title and primary metaphor that she sings mumbles through the song seem pretty basic. It sounds about as complex as a song me and some classmates wrote in 6th grade for a music class assignment that was a jokey tale about parents beating their child (I know, I know, you might say that isn’t funny… but Rodrigo would laugh. I have some insider information that she’s alright with jokes 'bout senseless cruelty, that's for sure). I guess technically this may not be an “ex” song though, because the tense of the song makes it seem like this about an ongoing shitty relationship rather than a past one.

22. enough for you

• Memorable Lyrics: “But God, you couldn't have cared less / About someone who loved you more”
• Number of Swear Words: 0 (lame!)
•  Analysis: This one ranks right above “1 step forward, 3 steps back” in terms of “haven’t I heard this exact sad song elsewhere on this album?” Another sad, minimalist song about shitty boy who broke your heart? Yep. Versions of this are all over SOUR, and this one’s main hypothesis is that the breakup was because she wasn’t “exciting” enough. Strange reason. But this one gets a slight edge over “1 step forward” because… uhm… well, I guess it’s a little better. It just is. Told you I’m not a music critic.  

21. lacy

• Memorable Lyrics: “Dazzling starlet / Bardot reincarnate”
• Number of Swear Words: 1 (hell, if that counts)
• Analysis: First of all, if someone’s skin is “like puff pastry,” they should go to the emergency room immediately. That does not sound healthy. Second… uhm… Lacy girl… RUN. Because this song sounds like the type of song Chapman might have written about John Lennon. Olivia’s lyrics make her sound like a crazed stalker with a love/hate relationship with this Lacy gal. One common interpretation of this song is that it’s about a romantic rival (the line “You got the one thing that I want”) but there is no actual lyrics that indicate the one thing she wants is Lacy’s boyfriend. Lacy could really have anything that Olivia wants so badly that it causes this intense love/hate dynamic. Maybe Lacy has a rare “Recurring Nightmare” card from Magic: The Gathering and Olivia is super jealous and THAT’s the one thing she wants. I mean it’s POSSIBLE. Pretty anti-feminist of you to assume it’s about a boy.

20. hope ur ok

• Memorable Lyrics: “Does she know how proud I am she was created / With the courage to unlearn all of their hatred”
• Number of Swear Words: 0
• Analysis: SOUR concludes with a heartfelt and sentimental song about old friends she’s lost touch with over the years. In this day and age of social media and everyone being online, it feels sort of strange that it can still happen… but yeah… there are particular kids from grade school who aren’t online and I have no idea what the hell happened to them. The particular friends she mentions here are ones who had troubled relationships with their shitty parents and while she has no idea how they’re doing, she, well, hopes they’re okay. I mean I’m glad this song isn’t yet another one about an ex boyfriend, and while the subject matter is certainly relatable, it’s solidly in the lower tier.

19. happier

• Memorable Lyrics: “And do you tell her she's the most beautiful girl you've ever seen? / An eternal love bullshit you know you'll never mean”
• Number of Swear Words: 1 (bullshit)
• Analysis: Olivia Rodrigo? More like Tom PETTY because this song is PETTY AS FUCK AND I LOVE IT. Rather than simply being sad about a breakup, now she’s moved on to acceptance that her ex has moved on, and while she doesn’t necessarily wish him and his new girl ill will, she doesn’t exactly wish them good will either. While she at least claims that she hopes he is “happy,” she most definitely wants to make it perfectly clear that she hopes he is NOT “happier” than when he was with her. Pettiness and selfishness are valid, Olivia. You are valid! ‘Preciate you!   Anyway, if you're thinking this song is much better than #19 and I'm crazy for ranking it this low... I mean fine, I understand. I'm not saying I dislike the song. It has its moments. I just like the other songs better, okay? Get off my case. 

18. traitor

• Memorable Lyrics: “God, I wish that you had thought this through / Before I went and fell in love with you”
• Number of Swear Words: 2… but barely (1 hell, 1 damn)  
• Analysis: Immediately after the rockin “brutal” opening track, we turn to what a lot of the rest of the SOUR album is going to sound like: slow, piano-based, minimalist heartbreak ballads. Rodrigo asks “Ain’t it funny?” several times in this song, and it is most definitely NOT funny. It is sad. It’s about a boyfriend who was clearly already moving on and starting to make moves towards a new girl while they were still together and although he technically didn’t cheat (that she knows of – “you'd talk to her / maybe did even worse”), he’s still a douchenozzle shithead for gaslighting her (or, as she puts it, is “a traitor”).  If you like heartbreak ballads strap yourself in, because more of these are coming. 

17. pretty isn't pretty

• Memorable Lyrics: “And I try to ignore it, but it's everything I see / It's on the posters on the wall, it's in the shitty magazines”
• Number of Swear Words: 3 (2 shit/shitty, 1 fucking)
• Analysis: Thematically this song from GUTS is somewhat similar to SOUR’s “jealousy, jealousy” in that it touched on a lack of self-confidence and the difficulty in living up to unachievable ideals of beauty. However, it does differentiate in that here Rodrigo is clearly speaking to post- celebrity experiences of her insecurities despite massive fame and adoration, while the former song touches upon more universal insecurities that any young teenager might be faced with when browsing through pretty people on social media. I certainly get it, and yes I can understand that beautiful people can think they’re ugly just like I can understand that amazingly talented  people suffer from imposter syndrome. Still, in terms of more general appeal and relatability for a song that does touch on a similar theme, I think the version from SOUR does it slightly better, so I’m going to rank these two together, with the next one picking up the slight ranking edge…  

16. jealousy, jealousy 

• Memorable Lyrics: “C-comparison is killing me slowly / I think, I think too much / 'Bout kids who don't know me”
• Number of Swear Words: 0 (surprisingly)
• Analysis: After the teenage angst-themed opener of “brutal,” SOUR then goes on to have SEVEN ex-boyfriend songs in a row, which is fucking exhausting. By song nine I’m absolutely ready and thankful for a new subject: social media and the artificial images of happiness, prettiness and success that flood her feed and make her feel insecure about herself. She’s unable to stop comparing herself to the people she sees, wishes she were them, etc. – all while she’s very much aware that what she’s looking at is polished and unreal. I can certainly see how much thing song resonates and represents the absolute mindfuck that young people are dealing with as they navigate their teenage years (especially years they were locked in the house during a pandemic quarantine with little to do other than be plugged in to social media). Rodrigo also makes sure to add in some of her wonderful trademark pettiness/spite from songs like deja vu & good 4 u with lines like “And I'm happy for them, but then again, I'm not.” Hell yeah, you all american bitch, you.

15. favorite crime

• Memorable Lyrics: “Those things I did / Just so I could call you mine / The things you did / Well, I hope I was your favorite crime”
• Number of Swear Words: 0 (this has become an alarming trait in the last half of SOUR… where did all the swearing go?)
• Analysis: If the large number of Olivia Rodrigo minimalist heartbreak piano ballads about toxic ex boyfriends give you the impression that she’s a bit of a victim, almost like crimes have been committed against her – WELL, okay, let’s just let that metaphor forge this song (including references to, bloody hands, fleeing the scene, alibis, sirens). Admittedly, Rodrigo never actually plays the victim in this song (or any other, really – she is always self-aware and critical of her own role she plays in bad relationships, whether it be from nativity or other factors – see “making the bed” below) and describes herself as an “accomplice” to her ex.  Despite some thematic repetition with other songs, I kinda dig this one. Not my favorite by far, but man… have I talked about how this woman can absolutely sing her fucking heart out when she chooses not to do the mumble thing?  

14. logical

• Memorable Lyrics: “The sky is green, the grass is red / And you mean all those words you said / I'm sure that girl is really your friend”
• Number of Swear Words: 1 (hell)
• Analysis: “logical” is about as close to a SOUR-style minimalist heartbreak ballad as appears on all of GUTS, but you can still certainly see the growth (I'm not sure she'd open any song on her first album with the words "Master manipulator" - wow, she gets RIGHT TO THE POINT here). Although to be honest – this song is basically just “OPPOSITE DAY, THE SONG” where Rodrigo says some things that are the opposite of the truth, and then says things to indicate her relationship with her gaslighting douche boyfriend was perfectly fine. So yeah… okay… I guess that’s sarcastic, but it’s not quite as satisfying as how she uses sarcasm in songs like “good 4 u” or “happier.” There are some great lines in this song (by the way, any boyfriend who says Rodrigo "can’t get him off" is either gay or impotent, so that’s on him) and the callback to castle building means that the douche boyfriend here is almost certainly the same castle-building douche from “vampire” (earlier on the album, but not ranked here yet) but all that really does is remind me how much more I want to listen to “vampire” again instead. 

13. drivers license

• Memorable Lyrics: “Can't drive past the places we used to / go to / 'Cause I still fuckin' love you, babe”
• Number of Swear Words: 2 (fucking)
• Analysis: This was the song that introduced most people to Rodrigo and made her a star (it got her a Grammy too). In hindsight, it’s sort of surprising that this was the particular minimalist ballad about heartbreak that launched her career because this album is loaded with minimalist heartbreak ballads and this song doesn’t stand out to me as particularly above some of the others. What the fuck do I know though? Obviously it resonated with people, and yeah… I guess I can see how the lyrics about driving around the suburbs upset, angry, and reflecting over an ex she still has feelings for. Or maybe this was just the first time teen pop fans got to hear someone who really liked swearing drop f-bombs and that resonated with them because that’s actually how teenagers talk. Because FUCK YEAH.  

12. making the bed

• Memorable Lyrics: “Well, sometimes I feel like I don't wanna be where I am / Gettin' drunk at a club with my fair-weather friends”
• Number of Swear Words: 0
• Analysis: An introspective lil’ ditty that covers a theme that plays a secondary role in a lot of other songs on Rodrigo’s first two albums – that she only has herself to blame for a lot of the shit that she regrets in life. But most of those other songs where she admits to guilt / partial blame are related to relationships (in “traitor” she admits she sort of knew what was going on with her boyfriend but chose to ignore it in the hopes of staying together, in “favorite crime” she takes responsibility as an accomplice in the relationship, and the last half of “logical” admits she’s “half responsible” and wonders why she didn’t stop things when she knew she could have). This song instead looks at it more broadly towards dealing with her life as a whole – including the personal choices she’s made as she’s achieved fame and success which haven’t led her to the happiness she expected (I got the things I wanted / it's just not what I imagined) and even makes her think she's spiraling out of control (in a dream that could callback to “drivers license”). I like the song and agree that it’s pretty heartfelt and self-aware, but again… the themes of guilt and her making mistakes are already touched on elsewhere throughout the albums.

11. teenage dream 

• Memorable Lyrics: “Yeah, they all say that it gets better / It gets better / but what if I don't?”
• Number of Swear Words: 0
• Analysis: The last song on Rodrigo’s two albums, and almost assuredly a direct bookend reference to the lyric from “brutal” (aka the first song on her first album): “Where's my fucking teenage dream?” And what a bookend it was, because this one hit me a little harder than I thought it would. I suppose after 23 songs which I initially went into with a sort of a “eh, let’s see how this goes… I gotta do it for the rankings!” slow transformed into “well, Olivia Rodrigo is a damn gem.” Not only was my review ending, but on a pretty sad note, with Rodrigo pondering whether these two albums… her teenage experience… was the apex of her career and life and if it would be all downhill from here. And honestly? The way our culture loves to find fault in celebrities and tear them down (especially pop stars), it’s not a totally unfound fear. It is a pretty dark and pessimistic way to end the album – but on the bright side, I want to express my personal opinion that Rodrigo is wrong here and the best years are still to come. As a teenager you might think your teenage years will be the best – but your 20’s and especially 30’s are much better. When you’re a kid you think you’re old in your 30’s… but the truth is that’s gotta be the best decade. Now as someone who is in my 40’s, I can 100% tell you it’s all downhill after your 30’s. So good news, Livvy – no need to get all pessimistic now at 20. You’ve probably got another solid 20 years to go before your life will begin to become the spiral of awfulness you fear might happen now. 

10. ballad of a homeschooled girl

• Memorable Lyrics: “Thought your mom was your wife / Called you the wrong name twice /
• Can't think of a third line / [mutters for the rest of the song until giving out an exacerbated sigh]”
• Number of Swear Words: 0 (that’s what happens when you are homeschooled, you don’t pick up all the cool curse words from classmates)
• Analysis: WELCOME TO THE TOP 10! This is a fun little song about social awkwardness. Most people can relate to embarrassing memories from their awkward teenage years, and for a while there during the COVID lockdowns literally EVERY kid was a homeschooled kid – starving developing young minds of the social interactions with other human beings they needed to grow into well-adjusted adults. Yeah, not a ton of things to say about this song. Per usual, very clever lyrics… but by the mid-point of GUTS it should be no surprise to a listener that Rodrigo is going to rapidly blast charmingly sharp lyrics about her crippling insecurities at you. 

9. the grudge

• Memorable Lyrics: “And I know in my heart hurt people hurt people / And we both drew blood, but, man, those cuts were never equal”
• Number of Swear Words: 1 (fucking)
• Analysis: Like “logical,” this GUTS song initially felt like a call back to the types of songs that were on SOUR. However, “the grudge” instead rises above the minimalist heartbreak ballads with its immensely well-written, cutting, catchy and emotion-filled lines. Not that the other ballads weren’t emotional… but this song drips anger and bitterness over boring sadness. And technically I’m not sure the song is actually a heartbreak ballad, because while it might be an easy assumption this is about an ex boyfriend (the types of shitty things this person did to her in this song are similar to what she talks about in her other heartbreak songs), she doesn’t actually specify that this was an ex. And as with nearly every other song, Rodrigo’s refusal to actually confirm to anyone what / who the song is about makes it better – as she allows the listeners to fill in their own gaps and make it more relatable to everyone. In addition to the lyric quoted above, there are tons of others, but I also especially love the little mini “in my head” rant: “The arguments that I have won against you in my head / In the shower, in the car and in the mirror before bed / Yeah, I'm so tough when I'm alone and I make you feel so guilty / And I fantasize about a time you're a little fucking sorry.”  Any time I wanna have a good angry cry, I’ll queue this one up. 

8. deja vu

• Memorable Lyrics: “Do you call her / Almost say my name? / 'Cause let's be honest / We kinda do sound the same”
• Number of Swear Words: 1 (shit)
• Analysis:  I think anyone who has been in a relationship with more than one person can relate to the awkwardness and strangeness of times when you do the same thing with one partner than you had done with another, so this is a cool concept that Rodrigo plays with lyrically. And unlike in many of her other "sad" ex songs on SOUR, this one fairly spiteful and vindictive (a “venom-filled diatribe” was one review's description), with Rodrigo openly mocking her ex for repeating the same things they did in their relationship with his new girl. Remember the pettiness of “happier”? It's here and MORE PETTY THAN EVER! And spiteful, vindictive and petty is a vibe that I LOVE and which works well for Rodrigo’s lyrical wittiness. Some of the “hmm”s and “huh”s as she ends verses add glorius additional spite. With the super specific examples she provides in the lyrics, you know that whichever ex this song is about 100% knows it’s about him and knows he’s been roasted. That guy can’t be happy about this song at all. But you who is happy about this song? Billy Joel. I'm sure he absolutely got THE RODRIGO BUMP in album sales after this dropped. 

7. love is embarrassing

• Memorable Lyrics: “'Cause now it don't mean a thing / God, love's fucking embarrassing”
• Number of Swear Words: 8 (3 fucking, 1 goddamn, 1 damn, 3 hell)
• Analysis: To avoid being influenced by anyone else who might be ranking these songs, I haven’t read any other rankings – but I imagine I probably rank this one above where others do, and I'm standing by it. This is a great song, and it is VERY Olivia Rodrigo. It’s like she’s admitting to how embarrassed she is about all her other sad love songs because why did she even waste her time caring about these losers in hindsight?  I think most people have ex’es and can relate with this strong embarrassment towards some of the things they did and think to themselves “why was I even sad when this horrible relationship ended?” Also, this song is also so wonderfully sacrilegious and vulgar: with  liberal use of God, goddamn, damn, hell, Jesus and crucifixion that is enough to make any Christian Rock band clutch their pearls and run away. 

6. brutal

• Memorable Lyrics: "And I'm not cool and I'm not smart / And I can't even parallel park" 
• Number of Swear Words: 1 (fucking)
• Analysis: Wow, okay. First impression from listening to the first song on Olivia Rodrigo’s first album. This is supposed to be “pop?” Because this sounds like rock to me. Is this what the rest of the album is going to be like? (Answer: No). But right off the bat after tricking you into thinking it will be some violin-backed soft song it goes into a grungy, heavily-distorted alt rock guitar riff and then sort of keeps kicking ass the whole time. It sounds much more like a No Doubt or Hole song than I was expecting. It has a fast pace (I mean all her songs do) and just keeps spitting out witty lyrics about her super-relatable anxieties and insecurities. And the tonal shift from the rocking out part of the chorus to a very comically spoken “God, it's brutal out here” is something that is so very awesome and so very Rodrigo (by GUTS she's officially the queen of using tonal shifts). Honestly, I love this song so much I keep thinking to myself "it can't possibly be all the way down at #6... it HAS to be ranked higher!" But then I look through the top 5 and I'm like "okay, well, I guess it's 6." 

5. good 4 u

• Memorable Lyrics: “I've lost my mind, I've spent the night / Crying on the floor of my bathroom”
• Number of Swear Words: 2 (fuck & damn)
• Analysis: The best song on SOUR, this is truly the most sour of them all. Rodrigo at her best. Yes, it’s yet another song about a shitty ex – but Rodrigo enhances the spite from “deja vu” and “happier” up to 11 with heavy doses of sarcasm. I mean this song is ALL SARCASM, NON-STOP. The song has an absolute rock sound as is what they call “a bop,” my friends. There was some criticism thrown at this song being similar to Paramore’s “Misery Business” (and Paramore was eventually given co-writing credit), and while I can certainly see some inspiration, music has always been about being inspired by what came before, so I think most of the criticism is bullshit. Although some people have made mashups of this song with “Misery Business” are those are bangers too. Anyway, GREAT SONG with such witty (and yet vulnerable, awwww) lyrics. Fortunately for Rodrigo’s follow-up album, a lot of songs will lean more in this song’s rock-inspired, clever and sarcastic direction than they leaned towards SOUR’s minimalist dreamy piano/acoustic heartbreak ballads. And that summary there should therefore make the remaining top 4 fairly obvious. 

4. bad idea right?

• Memorable Lyrics: “And I told my friends I was asleep / But I never said where (or in whose sheeeeeets)”
• Number of Swear Words: 3 (2 fuck and 1 fucked)
• Analysis: Another ex boyfriend song? Well, on GUTS Olivia Rodrigo has moved beyond being sad about her ex-es. She’s mostly moved on to being healthily vindictive, ashamed, sarcastic, and spiteful. But in this particular song, she’s going all-in on an unhealthy post-breakup hookup with an ex that she knows is a 100% terrible decision. This is a fun, poppy song about absolutely awful and horny decision-making and I am here for it. As long as you are self-aware that you are making a very poor decision, and you stand by it, then you will not feel like the naïve idiot you have admitted to feeling like in other songs. The lyrics to this one are fun, come at you fast, and overall it’s a masterfully crafted and super catchy pop song. If the “my brain goes, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh / like blah blah blahhhhhhhhhh” doesn’t earworm in your head for the next 20 minutes… then you might not be alive.  

3. get him back!

• Memorable Lyrics: “He had an ego and a temper and a wandering eye / He said he's six-foot-two, and I'm like, ‘Dude, nice try’”
• Number of Swear Words: 1 (shit)
• Analysis: The idea behind this song is simple: “get him back” has double meanings that are polar opposites. She either wants to rekindle the relationship with her ex or get sweet, sweet revenge on him. So which is it? Both! And in this case, my description of “simple” is in no way an insult. Sometimes the simple concepts are the best. I heard this song before it was released as a single (and started appearing in iPhone commercials) and I knew this was going to be a single because no way was this BOPFEST not going to chart. Sarcastic, clever, at times petty, always funny… and sort of a twin song with “bad idea right?” earlier in the album (the GUTS punctuation duo) in that it’s a fun “ex” song that ponders bad decision-making that she knows is bad (“But I am my father's daughter / so maybe I could fix him”: she knows it’s a bad idea, we know it’s a bad idea, everybody knows). I knew these two songs would be ranked back-to-back near the top, but I debated which one I liked more. In the end – the double meaning wins. This is such a satisfyingly catchy song with what is essentially a pun gluing the whole thing together.  

2. all-american bitch

• Memorable Lyrics: “And I make light of the darkness / I've got sun in my motherfuckin' pocket”
• Number of Swear Words: 5 (motherfuckin, goddamn, bitch, fucking x 2)
• Analysis: Just like her debut album kicked off with a pretty awesome song that sounds more rock than pop, so too does GUTS open with a guitar heavy BANGER that kicks ass. Let me tell you, of all the pop rock songs out there which are named after Joan Didion essays and which address issues of repressed anger related to gender roles and how a women and girls should “properly behave” – this is absolutely my favorite. Admittedly I am not aware of any other songs like that, but if there were I am fairly sure this would still be my favorite. This is almost good enough to be my favorite Olivia Rodrigo song period, but as you can see from the rankings I eventually went another direction. It was pretty hard to choose simply one quote for the memorable lyrics section above since this song is LOADED with hot lines (“I got class and integrity / Just like a goddamn Kennedy”,  “I know my age, and I act like it”, “ I know my place, and this is it”, and so on).  Her lines are shot at you rapid fire and as you’re still processing what you just heard, she keeps dropping more and more quotable quotes. The song’s alternation between her using a sort of angelic singsong voice and a shouty Riot grrrl voice is great. It’s snarky, witty, funny, political, intelligent, and it rocks out. 

1. vampire

• Memorable Lyrics: “Ooh, what a mesmerizing, paralyzing, fucked-up little thrill / Can't figure out just how you do it, and God knows I never will / Went for me, and not her / Cause girls your age know better”
• Number of Swear Words: 7 (3 fucker, 1 fucked and 3 goddamn)
• Analysis: Well, this is it. This is the best Olivia Rodrigo song. Is it basic bitch-ey of me to pick this? Maybe. Of COURSE it’s going to be a song about an ex, but we have long since departed the sad, broken-hearted young Rodrigo from “drivers license.” This Rodrigo is the spiteful, vindictive, petty, sarcastic, witty, embarrassed for her past naïvety, and totally self-aware Rodrigo that we can hear in songs like good 4 u, deja vu, love is embarrassing, etc, and she is ready to TORCH her ex and won’t even let anyone piss on him to put the fire out. The song is lyrically about a toxic and draining relationship with an older, nightlife-living, self-interested, social climber of an ex boyfriend (although the term “social climber” is now dead to me and I will only use the term “famefucker”) who she was naïve enough to date at such a young age, and which she now recognizes was totally unfulfilling and essentially “six months of torture.” Rodrigo’s uses of the vampire metaphor to describe the relationship are on point and show her her chops as a lyricist. Like a few of the songs above, having to pick the memorable lyrics quote above was a near impossible task because this song is just a barrage of great lines. While some people have theorized that the song isn’t really about a boyfriend (obviously songs can be based on multiple things, so perhaps it’s not ONLY about past boyfriends), I seriously doubt the theory out there that this is about a girl feud with… uhm… some lady… Travis Kelce’s girlfriend or something? I’m not familiar with her. In fact, there are two men who Rodrigo dated between SOUR and GUTS whose biographies match up pretty similar to the famefucking vampire of this song. If I were either of these two guys I would never show my face in public again because Olivia Rodrigo MURDERED THEM WITH GARLIC AND A STAKE THROUGH THE HEART AND BY PUTTING THEM OUT IN THE SUN AND WHATEVER OTHER THINGS KILL VAMPIRES BECAUSE GODDDDDAAAAAMN SHE DROPPED A NUCLEAR BOMB OF A DISS TRACK HERE. This is like the harshest diss track since NWA broke up and they all started talking shit about each other. And musically, the song constantly builds from a slow piano ballad to a more pop/electronic/club track with a catchy beat, before ending as a guitar and drum-flooded song that many have described as a “rock opera.” Olivia Rodrigo is by no means a “pop princess” after this song. She is a ROCKSTAR. Excuse me, I meant a FUCKING ROCKSTAR.

Well, that was that. I hope you liked it. Although in hindsight I'm starting to wonder. Is this really a topic I should have done? Did I do proper analysis and listen to the songs enough times to make a fair call? This is a 5200+ word essay on Olivia Rodrigo songs. Is anyone going to even read all of it? Do I need to trim it down and make it shorter? Does THIS count as a Halloween-themed post because vampire? Do I... 

...fuck it, it's fine.

Ed Ranks SpoOoOoky Ghosts

Halloween is my favorite holiday. Over the years I’ve ranked terrible “sexy” Halloween costumes, Halloween candy, and even a generic “things associated with Halloween.” I’ve also drifted into the Samhain festival and horror movies and quasi-related aspects of Spooky Season.  So I’m sort of running out of ideas for a Halloween-themed ranking, yet I still really wanna do it because, I mean, Halloween.  So… I mean… ghosts it is. 

How many spoOoOoky ghosts should I rank? How about 13? Because 13 is spoOoOoky too, right? *sigh* Look, you and I both wish I had a better idea for this Halloween. 

13. Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Clyde – The ghosts from Pac-Man. But not that SPOOKY, are they? Yeah, so while iconic… not so Spooky. I mean they do kill Pac-Man a lot in their Saw film franchise-like death maze of pellets and fruit, which is pretty brutal when you think about it.

12. Patrick Swayze – I don’t mean this in a douchey way since he’s dead now (RIP), but… you know… he was in the film “Ghost” where he was THE ghost. I guess technically the name of this entry should be “Sam Wheat,” since that was the name of Patrick Swayze’s character. But you know exactly what I meant when I said Patrick Swayze. And you thought of that pottery scene, didn’t you? Did it give you a boner? Did you lose the boner when you thought of Whoopi Goldberg? Anyway, not very spooky either. Very handsome. 

11. Casper – Not that spooky at all. But still really messed up when you think about the fact that Casper is very childlike and is thus a DEAD CHILD. Okay, so a little spooky. 

10. The Flying Dutchman – Despite “man” being in the name, this isn’t even a ghost of a person. It’s a ghost of a SHIP. WTF?! How do you even have a ghost ship? Theologically this makes no sense unless all ships are living beings with souls.  Actually, how do any inanimate objects like ghost clothes work?  Should all ghosts be naked? Man, I don’t like thinking about this anymore. Anyway, this one shouldn’t be so spooky. Just keep away from the water. 

9. Ghosts of Christmas Past / Present / Future – From Charles Dickens, the author who is famously terrible and makes sure that all his stories are resolved by total coincidence and happenstance rather than by sound or witty storytelling. I guess combined these three are supposed to make you live a better life and have a change of heart before it’s too late? They can also make you time travel with them. I guess all and all, pretty cool ghosts. Not super spooky though. I mean they might rattle some chains a little bit or something, but that’s all. Nothing to fear other than having to sit through a stern quasi-anti-Capitalist lesson.  

8. Hamlet (Senior) – The Shakespeare play Hamlet is about Prince Hamlet, but he was son to the murdered King Hamlet. Who is dead by the time the play begins. But appears in it. Because ghost. Yep. That’s a pretty famous ghost! Is he SPOOKY? I mean… eh… not really. 

7. Slimer – WTF is Slimer anyway? He’s obviously a ghost because he’s in Ghostbusters and the Ghostbusters catch him and what they do is catch ghosts (the clue is in the name). But no other ghosts look like him. Is this a ghost of a person? Slimer isn’t explained very well. This is also the required part where people of my generation have to mention Hi-C Ecto Cooler. So I just did.

6. Beetlejuice – I wasn’t quite sure what Beetlejuice was. I was thinking he was more “demon,” but after a little more research I have been assured he is a “trickster and mischievous ghost.” Which I guess checks out because Alec Baldwin and Geena Davis also die and become ghosts in this movie, so I guess it’s just a big ghost party. I guess at times he’s a little “spooky,” but he definitely weighs more on the “trickster” side than “spooky” side. He’s really more of a MAGICAL DOUCHEBAG. 

5. Bloody Mary – A ghost who appears in a mirror when you say her name. Versions of the story have varied over time towards being a pretty peaceful lady that just shows up to say “Hello, I’m dead,” to being a malignant and scary demon who wants to really make you want to break all mirrors and reflective objects so that she doesn’t come out and kill you. So yeah, I guess she COULD be pretty spooky depending on what version of her you get. 

4. The Headless Horseman – Like Beetlejuice, I had questions about this one being only SORT OF a ghost. As with Bloody Mary, depending on the version of the story, this can be a ghost, a “demonic fairy,” or even just a guy in a costume pretending to be a ghost or demon. In Washington Irving’s most famous version of the story, “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow,” the reveal at the end strongly implies that nothing supernatural happened, and that a romantic rival of Ichabod Crane has merely pretended to be the spirit to kill Ichabod and take his woman. Most adaptions of the Irving play (including Disney’s cartoon version and the Sleepy Hollow movie) ignore that because leaning hard onto the “ghost” thing is much cooler.  If the Headless Horseman is indeed a ghost instead of a demon, fairy, or dude in a costume… then yes… SPOOKY AF!

3. Beloved – The ghost of the daughter of an escaped slave, Sethe, who she decided she would have to kill rather than force her to live in slavery and suffer the trauma like she had to. Beloved then haunts the house where they live. Wow. This is so dark and depressing. Way to bring the mood down when we were supposed to be talking about fun Casper Halloween stuff. Murdered slave children. Spooky AND depressing. I only have myself to blame.

2. The Grady Twins (The Shining) – Yeah, big nope on these two ghost girls from the mind of Steven King. Nope nope nope NOPE. 

1. Sadako Yamamura (Ringu aka The Ring) – The central character in the Japanese horror franchise and it’s American remake. Ya know, the vengeful ghost who crawls out of your TV screen to kill you. Way to understand the form of the media you are creating to make it even more shit-scaringly terrifying, which is another term for SpoOoOoky. 

Ed Ranks Closed Amusement Parks of Coney Island

I'm not going to lie. I was working on this blog in 2020 when I sort of stopped and gave up on it, and on the blog in general. Why did I choose to do this one back then? I dunno. The whole era of wacky amusement parks of the past seemed endearing at the time. 

Am I as "in" to the concept now as I was in 2020 when I started writing it? No. But the blog was half-written, so I might as well finish it off. 

6. Dreamland (2009) - Astroland  (see below) was all that existed of Coney Island's theme park past for many years. Then, in 2008, it finally shut down. It seemed like the end of an era. Would Coney Island really lack a theme park? "No," was the answer, as a Dreamland reboot stepped in to take over the former Astroland in 2009. It lasted a total of one summer season before the company running it was forced to close due to debt. So, yeah, that sucked. Though maybe naming yourself after a theme park that only lasted a few years was a jinx from the beginning. Just as Dreamland itself was a reboot of an old theme park, it would be replaced again by yet another reboot, a new Luna Park, on the same location where Astroland and the 2009 Dreamland stood.

5. Sea Lion Park (1895–1903) - Sea Lion Park was the first ever enclosed (e.g. they chared you an entry fee to get in) permanent amusement park in North America. I'm not saying that you would have never had your Disneylands and your Six Flags without Sea Lion Park (someone else would have come up with the idea eventually), but points for being the first to actually charge a ticket to enter a park, versus having parks be open and simply charging different fees at every ride. As you might guess, Sea Lion Park has sea lions at it, trained to do tricks and stuff.  Animals that do tricks used to be a big thing. Humans were pretty impressed by torturned and brainwashed animals living in small cages so that they could eventually be let out for a few minutes a day to perform tasks in return for sardines. ANYWAY, they also added rides, such as what is now known today as "Shoot the Chute" (a flat-bottomed boat that slides down a ramp into a pool of water and goes splash), and the "Flip Flap Railway," a famous (or infamous) looping wooden roller coaster. You might be surprised that looping roller coasters existed at the turn of the 20th century, thinking that technology wasn't there yet. Well, it wasn't. Which is why it was shut down for being unsafe. It could also only hold two passengers at a time, so it wasn't that profitable or popular. But just because Sea Lion Park was the first doesn't mean that they'd stick around forever. In 1903, Sea Lion Park went under and was replaced with Luna Park.

4. Dreamland (1904–1911) - In 1904, Coney Island was booming with tourists who craved amusement parks. Luna Park was a year old and doing well, and Steeplechase Park was still knocking it out of the... park? (meh, bad pun) after near to a decade. Was there room for three amusement parks in Coney Island? Dreamland dared to find out! With three theme parks there would be lots of competition, so everyone needed a gimmick. Dreamland attempted to be the "refined" and "classy" park with elegant architecture, as opposed to the nearby noise and ride-filled Luna Park. Highlighting the center of this "classiness" was a tall tower with a million light bulbs on it (light bulbs really impressed people still back then). Their "classy" attractions included things like the double biblical shows of "Creation" (depicting the Book of Genesis) and the "End of the World" (depicting the Book of Revelation); a model of the canals of Venice;  a Japanese tea house;  a building that resembled a classical Greek temple called "the Destruction of Pompeii" (including a cyclorama show with a staged eruption of Mt. Vesuvius); the submarine simulation "Under and Over the Sea"; and so on. Of course, it wans't all high-brow bible and educational rides. They had mini-peep shows, lion-tamers, a show featuring 300 midgets, baby incubators showing off premature born children, and the same types of rides that the other two parks had, only "bigger." For example, Luna Park inherited its Shoot the Chute from Sea Lion Park when it closed. Dreamland opened one of their own... and by "one" I mean "two, right next to each other, and taller than the one at Luna." Still, Luna Park was better managed and despite Dreamland's more impressive and "classier" fare, it struggled to succeed. And maybe it would have, if one of it's rides (Hell's Gate, another biblical-themed ride where it looked like you were descending through a whirlpool to underground caverns to hell) caught on fire in a way that seemed somewhat apropos for something called "Hell's Gate." This happened on the busy Memorial Day weekend of 1911. The entire park burned down and it was all over for classy Dreamland. It was never rebuilt, and a bunch of apartment complexes are there now. As noted above, for a hot minute there was a "new" Dreamland in 2009, but it lasted only one season. 

3. Astroland (1962–2008) - An iconic Coney Island for decades, Astroland was the sole survivor of the spirit of Coney Island's fun parks after the aging Steeplechase closed for good in 1964. As its name implied when it was opening in the middle of the US versus Russia space race... it had a "space age" theme that features things such as rockets, a "Tower to the Stars," a gyro tower, and a simulated jet trip to the moon that was a lot more scientifically accurate than the 1903 Luna Park version (see below - short story is that this version lacked moon maidens). Needless to say, as time went on these "space age" attractions of the 1960s seemed more and more like a look to the past than the future and the park seemed like an antiquated concept by the time the 90s and 2000s rolled around. The one exception was the famous Cyclone wooden roller coaster, which had staying power and such a Coney Island landmark that the first thing people think of when they think of Coney Island should be the image of the Cyclone coaster.  In 2008, time was up and Astroland went out of business. People were shocked. No more amusement parks in Coney Island? What would happen? Well. Dreamland happened but that only lasted a year. Then in 2010 the park was re-re-booted as the new Luna Park. So while Astroland is technically out of business and counts as a "closed" amusement park, for the most part the currently operating Luna Park is essentially a continuation of Astroland, and continues to feature the Cyclone, the Astrotower (though it's now unused and just a landmark feature), as well as a bunch of newer rides and attractions. 

2. Luna Park (1903–1944) - A Coney Island Park with decent staying power, and the replacement for the OG Sea Lion Park, Luna Park immediatly became a beloved attraction by snagging away the beloved "A Trip To The Moon" ride which had previously been featured at the 1901 Pan-American Exposition in Buffalo (the same event where President McKinley was assassinated... but I don't think that was part of the ride). After the exposition closed, everyone (including Coney Island rival Steeplechase Park) wanted to get the ride, and for a while Steeplechase did yet it. But Luna Park was able to snag it away and wound up with it, by having Topsy the Elephant literally drag the "airship Luna" ride feature to the new park in a plubicity stunt. What did an imagined trip to the moon look like at the turn of the century? Well, it involved being greeted by dancing moon maidens ("Selenites"), so there's that. It also involved a lot of Papier-mâché (very scientifically innacurate as we all now know that the moon is made of cheese).  Luna Park would go on to feature a number of famous attractions including the Electric Tower (like Dreamland, just a tower with a BUNCH of lights on it... hey man... lights were still pretty novel and fancy back then), the "Dragon's Gorge," a lagoon, etc. Oh yeah, and if mentioning Topsy the Elephant so closed to electricity sparks (ha!) a memory for you... yep... you're not going crazy. In another plublicity stunt, the owners of Luna Park electrocuted Topsy... for... reasons? This has become the famous urban legend about Thomas Edison wanting to prove that AC power was dangerous to try to sell his competing DC power, although that version of the story is largely inaccurate. Edison is still an idea-stealing douchebag, but that bit o story is more legend than truth. Despite being widly popular and making back the costs of being built in a few short summers, Luna Park frequently struggled with finances and by the time the 40's rolled around, its time had come to an end. It's legacy lives on though, with Coney Island's only remaining significant amusement park being re-named Luna in 2010 (although honestly it's just a rebooted/renamed Astroland), and other Luna Parks existing around the world (including a notable one in Sydney, Australia). 

1. Steeplechase Park (1897–1964) - Steeplechase might have been the second Coney Island amusement park, but it's legacy is undeniable. Just looking at the years it was around, you can see this one had staying power - operating for a whopping 67 years. Disneyland is only just hitting that age right now-ish, meaning that as far as a lasting cultural institution goes - at one time Steeplechase was "the" amusement park that we think about when we thought about amusement parks. Was it as grand as Disney? Of course not, but it certainly had some iconic features. So let's talk about it. Opened up by George C. Tilyou, it was apparently inspired by  him going on the new-fangled Ferris wheel at the Chicago World's Faire.  The namesake ride of the the park was the Steeplechase itself - a mechanical horserace on metal tracks. The place also had a  Venetian gondola-style ride, a Wild West show, scale models of the Eiffel Tower and Big Ben, as well as 50 or so other attractions. Over the years they obviously changed with the times - but some things had staying power. First of all the park's mascot had staying power - a cartoonish depiction known alternatly as "Tilly" (after Tilyou) or the "Funny Face" was the logo of the park, and is still closley associated with Coney Island or carnival-ish parks to this day. Another thing with staying power? The Steeplechase's Parachute Jump - a tower where people... yep... jumped off of parachutes from it. Sounds dangerous and wildly unsafe? YEP! IT WAS! And while people don't jump from it anymore, it has remained a Coney Island attraction for decades after the park's closing and is still there, its image closely associated with Coney Island. You can't set something in Coney Island without showing the Parachute Jump. Why that recent Zendaya movie from a few years ago prominantly featured it. What was it called? Spider-Guy or something? I don't remember. I think there were other people in it, but now I'm thinking about Zendaya. So, in conclusion... what was I talking about again? Oh right. Zendaya.

Ed Ranks Current MLB Stadium Names

It's October, so you know what that means? That's right! The Braves have choked out of the postseason!  Also, I suppose the rest of the MLB playoffs are happening too. So in commiseration with your own favorite team being kicked out of the postseason, let's stick with this baseball theme and talk about ballparks. 

Now, I shall rank the names of the ballparks of the 30 MLB Teams, because I have not ranked those yet. So I must. Because I must rank EVERYTHING.  I guess I could rank the ballparks themselves for their quality, aestetic, etc. But that sounds pretty difficult. I'd rather just make fun of their names. 

30. LoanDepot Park (Miami Marlins) - Let's be clear here. Miami is a terrible place for baseball and is the worst baseball team and the worst baseball park. The average attendance of Miami Marlins games is somewhere around 4 people. No wonder a scam company would but the rights to what used to be known as "Marlins Park," as the Marlins are a scam of  an MLB baseball team. 

29. Comerica Park (Detroit Tigers) - Speaking of lame companies, Comercia is apparently a company that exists. What is it? I have no idea and I'm not bothering to look it up. It seems like the answer to what ChatGPT would give you if you asked it to generate the most boring company name of all time. Comerica has owned the naming rights to this stadium since the late 90s and I still have never been bothered in 20+ years to care about the name of the stadium where the Tigers play.

28. American Family Field (Milwaukee Brewers) - Alphabetically first, but it comes in oh so close to last place. This baseball stadiym used to be named "Miller Park," which was cool. Because even though it's the name of a garbage beer, the concept of a beer corporation (Miller Brewing Company) buying the naming rights to a team named "Brewers" is awesome. "American Family" is an Insurance company, but it sounds more like the beginning of a rent state rant again WOKE LIBS.  As horsepissey as Miller is, beer is much cooler than insurance. Especially in terms of a baseball stadium for a team literally named BREWERS.  Now let's go on a lengthy and barely-related side story! (That's how this blog works, remember?) The first ever "World Series" happened 1884 when the Providence Grays of the National League (NL) battled the New York Metropolitans of the American Association (AA). The reason why there were two rival leagues is because the guy who ran the National League (Al Spalding... famous for the Athletic company "Nike"... no... just kidding... the company SPALDING, you gullible idiot), banned baseball games from being played on Sundays and banned alcoholic beverages from being sold in stadiums. Because of those draconian rules, the AA was established in 1882 and specifically allowed those things - Sunday baseball and booze. Because of that, the AA came to be known as the "Beer and Whiskey League." The AA eventually went out of business, but their spirit lives on. Two leagues fighting each other for the baseball championship literally exists because a rival league decided that baseball fans should get drunk at games while another league did not. What I'm getting at here is "American Family" is garbage. Long live Miller. 

27. Guaranteed Rate Field (Chicago White Sox) - This place used to be known as U.S. Cellular Field. Only it wasn't. Oh yeah, U.S. Cellular paid for the naming rights, but this place will ALWAYS be known as Comiskey Park (or NEW Comiskey Park if you want to be anal about it). 

26. Globe Life Field (Texas Rangers) - The Ballpark in Arlington opened up in the 1990s as part of the post-Camden Yards wave of new stadiums that were newm but felt old. Yet just like with the Atlanta Braves building a new stadium in the 90s and saying "screw it, now we want a NEW NEW stadium," the Texas Rangers abanoned a fairly new and modern ballpark for an even newer ballpark and got this one. Which has a terrible name for what I assume is an insurance company because like 90% of MLB parks are names after banks and insurance companies. Ugh.  

25. Truist Park (Atlanta Braves) - Speaking of Atlanta abandoning new 1990s stadiums after a handfull of years for a new new stadium, the Braves abadoned the Ted Turner-named Turner Field even though it only opened up in when I was in high school (come on, it wasn't THAT long ago!). Now we get this stadium with a VERY BORING NAME. I think this is a bank, right? Ugh. Now that I think about it my mortgage is with Truist. I have a mortgage now? I'm old. Man, maybe the 90s WERE a long time ago.

24. Progressive Field (Cleveland Guardians) - Jacobs Field was an okay field name. It's been Progressive since 2008-ish and I don't care. At least name it Flo Field or something if you want to hype your garbage insurance. 

23. PNC Park (Pittsburg Pirates) - I don't hate this park itself. This park certainly fits the Camden Yards-inspired "retro-classic" feel. But I'm ranking stadium names. And even though this stadium attempts to live up to the legacy of iconic Pittsburg Stadiums like Forbes and Three Rivers, its name is... yep.. another boring bank. Weird. It's like those guys got all the money or something. 

22. Citizens Bank Park (Philadelphia Phillies) - Two Pennsylvanias in a row, and another boring bank name. My oh my has Philly fallen from the epic Baker Bowl days where they had the "The Phillies use Lifebuoy" sign on the wall, and a vandal added, "and they still stink" to it. Classic. "Citizens Bank" is not classic at all. More like SHITizens, huh? Hrm. Maybe I should keep the swearing down less the AI Google bot blocks this blog entry too. 

21. Citi Field (New York Mets) - Citi Field will always be in the shadow of Flushing's famous Shea Stadium. But kudos to Citibank for being so arrogant about how famous they are that they can name the field "Citi" rather than "Citibank" because they think they are so notable that they can use a nickname rather than their full name. That takes some huevos. Something something John Rocker seven train. 

20. Oracle Park (San Francisco Giants) - This SF Park has been known as Pacific Bell Park, SBC Park, and AT&T Park - based on the multiple times that the phone company changed names. Given how much of our lives we now spend on our Smart Phones, you'd think phone companies would still be in a position to dominate. But NOPE! This one now belongs to Oracle, which is some "technology" company that does... uhh... technology stuff? Flying cars? Sex robots? Nope. It's never the tech that anyone actually wants. 

19. T-Mobile Park (Seattle Mariners) - We all remember that the Kingdome was a crap stadium that was falling apart and killing fans. Everyone knew it needed to be replaced. What was it replaced with? Safeco Field. Only Safeco Field is now known as T-Mobile Park. Okay. Whatever. So I guess stadiums ARE still named after phone companies. Only they are names after boring ones. No wait. is T-Mobile the one that uses Ben Barnes in their commercials? So dreamy. I love you, Prince Caspian. 

18. Rogers Centre (Toronto Blue Jays) - This is the SkyDome. You can call it whatever you want, but everyone knows this is the SkyDome. It was pretty cutting edge in the 80s, but then again so was "Who's the Boss?" After Camden opened up a few years later, it already seemed like an outdated concrete behemouth. 

17. Chase Field (Arizona Diamondbacks) - Another bank, but at least "chasing" people sounds like a cool thing where you run down a guy who tried to steal a base and got caught. Let's just pretend it's named after the verb and not a bank. You can't chase Rickey Henderson though. You have no chance of catching him.

16. Great American Ball Park (Cincinatti Reds) - While "American Family Field" isn't too different than "Great American," at least this name makes me think of GREAT AMERICAN things like apple pie, gun violence, and... well... baseball! It feels like a nostalgic name for the ye olde times of baseball without being too much branding in your face like a Kirk Cameron movie with that "family" nonsense. It's no Crossley Field or Riverfront, but it's not a terrible name. That's why it's here in the middle of the pack at 16.

15. Kauffman Stadium (Kansas City Royals) - In a ranking of 30 teams, Kauffman Stadium belongs in the exact middle at 30. It's not named after a company - instead it's named after the first owner of the Royals: Ewing Kauffman. And it's been named that FOREVER. The naming rights haven't been sold. Why? Probably because the Royals are so boring and mid that they can can't get anyone to buy naming rights. Still, back in the old days stadiums were named after owners like Comesky and Connie Mack, so this sort of feels refreshing and classic, even if boring. Hey... do they still have that waterfall feature here? I honestly haven't watched a Royals game in like two decades. 

14. Nationals Park (Washington Nationals) - Similar to Kaufmann, I feel like Nationals Park retains is name not due to a dislike of selling out to a company, but more due to not being to get a sweet enough corporation contract to get stadium naming rights. Which is strange. The Nationals won a World Series in 2019. You'd figure SOMEONE would pay stadium naming rights after that. I guess not. It is in Washintgon DC... soooo... Defense contractor? Call me, Lockheed. I have some notes. 

13. Minute Maid Park (Houston Astros) - The Astros should just embrace it and rename this place "Rubbermaid Field." You know, because the trash cans. *ahem* Anyway, the Astros used to have a stadium named after them (AstroDome) and a type of fake grass named after them (Astro Turf). Now they play in a stadium which is the SECOND stadium named after an Orange Juice company. You know, ever since that whole Enron scandal thing ended this being Enron Field. Speaking of which... 

12. Tropicana Field (Tampa Bay Rays) - ...Just because you're the FIRST team who gets a stadium named after orage juice doesn't mean you're that much better than the second one. 

11. Petco Park (San Diego Padres) - I guess naming a ballpark afeter this second rate pet score is okay. That's right, I'm team Petsmart! 

10. Angel Stadium (Los Angeles Angels) - Sort of like Nationals Park, this "the stadium is named after the team" feels less like a choiced to avoid capitalism and more like a "we're not a good enough team for a company to pay money for stadium naming rights. If you can't make a good enough team with Mike Trout AND Shohei Ohtani then it's definately a YOU problem, Angels. I guess this park has had this boring name for much longer than the Nats, so that's worth a few places in the rankings. 

9. Target Field (Minnesota Twins) - Another company name, but at least they can put a "target" on a wall for people to hit, right? I assume they must have that gimmick there. And Target is actually closely associated with Minnesota, so I can associated this branding with the Twins. Target is the second most famous thing from the state after Prince. 

8. Yankee Stadium (New York Yankees) - At this point, the place where the Yankees play will ALWAYS be Yankee Stadium. They could never sell naming rights. They can demolish and build a new stadium, and it will always be called Yankees Stadium. This is sort of boring, but also sort of endearing. Anyway, Yankees suck! 

7. Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum (Oakland Athletics) - Honestly, not a great name, but you got to respect it by this point. Unlike other teams that you'd assume couldn't sell stadium rights, the Althetics are a team that has one of the deepest legacies in baseball history going back to Philadelphia. This is the team of Connie Mack, Jimmy Foxx, Mark McGwire before the roids, and Rickey Henderson. Congrats for them keeping this boring stadium name to harkens back to the mid-20th century era when they moved out to Oakland. I guess this will all be a moot point when they move to Las Vegas, huh? So it goes. 

6. Coors Field (Colorado Rockies) - Named your stadium after a beer company? Per previous discussion at #28: That works for me. Also, per #9... closely associated with the state. Good job, Rockies. Now try to make your team less bad. 

5. Dodger Stadium (Los Angeles Dodgers) - Is naming your stadium after your team boring? If you're a bad team, sure. But this is THE DODGERS we're talking about. If any team gets to be like the Yankees and say "we are too famous of a team for any company name to be more famous than our own name," then the Dodgers are that team. 

4. Busch Stadium (St. Louis Cardinals) - Another stadium named after a beer company, and again it at least has historic ties as a local company and goes back. A pat on the back to the Cardinals for this. Busch and Bud beer might be garbage, but I respect keeping this stadium name. 

3. Fenway Park (Boston Red Sox) - This baseball park has had this name for over 100 years and there is some dispute over whether it's named after the neighborgood its in, or a realty company that was connected to the owner. Either way, this name has had staying power. This park is a national landmark. It should honestly be designated by the federal government as such.

2. Oriole Park at Camden Yards (Baltimore Orioles) - Camden Yards is such an amazing stadium concept and stadium name. It ushered in the era of retro-classic stadiums, and yet all of the other retro-classics that came after it feel like a pale imitation to its greatness. It's not named after a company - but a concept. The concept of a ye olde part of Baltimore that had antiquated warehouses and rail facilities from 100 years before. Then they encorporated those into the stadium. It's nice. How nice? #2 nice. 

1. Wrigley Field (Chicago Cubs) - How can you question a classic? Yes, Fenway might be slightly older than Wrigley, but we're ranking NAMES here. And Wrigley is obviously accociated with gum. And gum is associated with coming in packs of baseball cards. And baseball cards are associated with... well.... baseball. Moreso than the ivy-covered walls of Wrigley being a historic baseball site, it's just a great name that feels like it should be the name of a baseball stadium from the days or yore. Which, you know, it actually is.

Ed Ranks... RETURNS!

Hey, it's been a while. August 2020 was the last time that this place was regularly updated, though there have been sporatic posts since then (small enough that I could count them and simply say the number, but I'm too lazy).

Anyway, because time has moved on and more years have happened, more things have also happened. And more things means more things to RANK, because I rank EVERY THING and I was legally required to do so by starting up a Blogger site called "Ed Ranks Everything."

Apparently I was also legally required to obey some set of content rules as well, and then Google ran some new stupid AI in the last few years while I was away that flagged / threw warnings / hid a number of my past posts. I figured it must have been for swearing too much. I do love swearing. But then I was reading through a couple of the flagged "inappropriate" posts and they weren't particularly loaded with f-bombs. I mean I dropped an f-bomb in the Ranking of 2020 XFL team names but I mean the names of the teams were so stupid that the swear word was totally appropriate. And compared to some other posts... I mean... I dunno. Was it a copywrite issue? Did The Rock not want me using his league logo? I was simply hotlinking public domain images from Wikipedia.  Another post where I was ranking things worse than the "Cats" movie was also flagged. That one I made a Jamal Khashoggi reference. I guess that's a fairly graphic and horrific incident - but Google can't blame me for that. Google needs to blame Saudi Arabia for that. Or is Google getting paid by Saudi Arabia? You know, it probably is.

Anyway. 

I'm back soon and I promise I won't say anything else to offend the delicate sensitivies of either a stupid AI that just looks for word combinations to be offened by, or of any Saudi bone saw experts (apparently a key Blogger demographic). 

Ed Ranks Songs on Toys in the Attic

I previously ranked Aerosmith albums in general. 

Now I will specifically rank Aerosmith's songs on the album "Toys in the Attic." 

Why? 

I dunno. I just haven't written one of these in a while. And "No More No More" came on the radio the other day and I thought to myself, "Hrm Ed, they NEVER play this on the radio." 

9. Uncle Salty: The story of a gross man named "Uncle Salty" (his name is Uncle Salty, so he's obviously gross) telling the singer of the song a story about a young orphan girl who became a prostitute and turns 3-penny tricks for sailors and cries at night. Wow. Depressing. 

8. Round and Round: Weird and funky, but also super over-produced with sound effects. Pass. 

7. Adam's Apple: Decent song with some cool rhymes and good wordplay. I mean right from the beginning we start with "Back when Cain was able." Still, a bunch of weird bible analogies in a song that I'm sure was all about sex. Aren't all Aerosmith songs about sex? 

6. You See Me Crying: I know, ranking this above some of the others DOES seem like a crime, doesn't it? If anything, this isn't a funky, groovy 70's Aerosmith song... it's more like a slow, piano-ey 70's Meatloaf song (I'd say RIP Meatloaf, but he was an antivaxer "independent thinker" in the end, so whatever).  However, I think it sort of was ahead of its time in that it almost acts like a prelude to the hair metal ballads that would come a decade later. I dunno. Personal opinion. You'll just have to live with this ranking. 

5. No More No More: Solid song. Hearing it, and thinking it was a weird song that didn't get much radio play, is what inspired the list. I thought to myself "Why play this? It's only like the 5th best song on the album." That initial thought was correct, as I am indeed ranking it at #5. No offense to this song though. The only reason I rank this song here in the middle is because the top 4 are real bangers. That's a term people use, right? Bangers? 

4. Big 10-Inch Record: I understand, and accept, that this song is stupid and juvenile. I recognize that it does not have the skill, technique and mastery of some of the songs above it. It's a cheesy dick joke song, in the category of AC/DC's Big Balls and Van Halen's Ice Cream Man. These songs aren't double entedres. They are basically single entendres. To those criticisms... I still say that 10-year-old me loves the stupidity of these types of songs.

3. Toys in the Attic: The eponymous song that named the record is the third best song on the album. On most band's albums, this type of song would and could easily be a top hit. But on this album, with who legendary songs, it never had a chance to shine like it could have. 

2. Walk this Way: When I was growing up, this would have probably been listed as Ed's #1 song of the album. I mean the drum beat itself is probably one of the most iconic in rock history. It's probably just a notch or two below the drum beat from Queen's "We Will Rock You" drum beat. But I was a child of the 80's, so when I'm thinking of Walk This Way, I'm really unduly influencing my opinion of it with the cover / remake of it from Run-DMC’s 1986 Raising Hell. That version blew up Walk This Way into something bigger than it had ever been before and made the beat as legendary as it became. If we're just talking about the 1975 Toys in the Attic album version itself... yeah... maybe it's just #2 on the album. 

1. Sweet Emotion: Great song. Often thought of as Aerosmith's "signature song." Debatable, but okay. It's up there, for sure. That statement might be correct. They obviously knew how good it was from the beginning because it was their first single from the album. And when it got huge, "Dream On" from their first album (now a few years old) even hit the charts again. This song was before the MTV video era, so Aerosmith re-released it again in 1991 with a music video and it charted yet again.  Not bad for a little diddy that was written mostly about Steven Tyler hating the shit out of Joe Perry's wife.