Ed Ranks the Seven Deadly Sins

The original Wheel of Fortune, by Hieronymus Bosch.

Happy (almost) New Year everybody. Boy we sure are ready for this murderous 2016 to end, huh? Let's go out with a bang and talk about the things you'll be doing after drinking several drinks on New Year's Eve. No, I'm not talking about puking. I'm talking about sinning.


7. Pride - Pride, aka hubris, is the lamest of the so-called cardinal sins. People who are just so full of themselves are the worst. Just look at Kanye West. Who doesn't want to just take a lead pipe to his head and smash it into something that looks like cherry jello? With little bits of marshmallow in it. You see, there will be skull. So in this analogy, the little bits of shattered skull vaguely resemble marshmallows. Whatever.

6. Gluttony - If you're going to sin, there are a lot more fun things you can do than simply being an overindulgent fatass. Gluttony doesn't even stand out that much, because it's just sort of a sub-sin of the upcoming greed, isn't it? Except a greed for food.

5. Envy - Envy is a pretty annoying sin. Super jealous people are incredibly annoying. They always have a chip on their shoulder. Although in moderation it has its place. It's sort of normal to see that someone else has something and want that for yourself, right? Just don't take it to incredible douche levels. This is also sort of just a spin-off of greed too though when you think about it. And why exactly is green associated with envy? Where does that come from. It seems like the type of thing I'd usually research as a fun-fact to write here, but I'm too lazy. Look it up yourself. This is Ed Ranks Everything, not Google.

4. Greed - This twice aforementioned sin is also known as avarice. I think of greed as being more like a middle-ground sin in terms of how interesting or bad it is. On the one hand, I can certainly understand that robbers and thieves are bad people. But on the other hand, the entire system of capitalism is also sort of focused around human being by nature being greedy assholes. I also find it highly interesting that while the medieval Church was creating these deadly sin things to preach to people about, they were also selling indulgences for the forgiveness of sins. You know, selling as in selling for profit. To make money. Go figure.

3. Wrath - Wrath (AKA anger, rage, hatred, or that thing you feel after Coldplay comes on the radio) is awesome. I love wrath. It's a fantastic sin and now we're really hitting some awesome sins! Just look up again and read what I wanted to do to Kanye. It was so therapeutic to type that. I love watching a good revenge movie. Death Wish, Kill Bill, The Crow, Sleepers, most of the watchable Mel Gibson films... these are all revenge movies and you always root for the wrath-filled man or woman out for revenge. You know why Law Abiding Citizen sucked? Because it was a revenge movie where revenge was depicted as wrong and self-destructive. Don't give me that crap. That would be like if Bruce Wayne's parents were killed and he decided to dedicate his life to improving the Gotham school system and increasing opportunities for the social advancement of at-risk youths. Nobody would ever read a comic about that. Everybody wants Bruce Wayne to dress up in a black outfit depicting a scary-ass, blood-sucking animal, and to beat the living shit out of criminals.

2. Lust - For the most part, how is this even a sin? This just happens. It's wired into us at the core of our existence to lust. If it's a sin to feel lust every time they throw Kate Beckinsale in tight black leather for another damn Underworld movie then I guess I'm just going to have to be a lifelong sinner. I mean just look at her Instagram. Although like with gluttony, envy and greed - isn't this just another sort of riff on the same "desire" sort of sin? All four could have been merged into one sin called "desire" and then we'd have the much more simple "four" deadly sins. But I guess they had to stretch it out to seven for symbolic purposes or something.

This sleepy little seal does absolutely jack shit all day.
I envy (also a sin) its obviously amazing slothful life.

1. Sloth - Sloth is just the best. Nothing in the world makes me happier than a day where I can sleep in and just do nothing. If I have to choose between any other sin and sloth, I'll usually side with sloth. Should I get up and eat something and be a gluttonous fatso? Nah, I'll just stay in bed. That guy said a really mean thing about me - should I wrathfully take revenge on him somehow? Nah, I'll just do whatever I was doing before, which was wasting away in complete apathy. I'm so lazy that it's amazing I'm even still doing these rankings.

Ed Ranks the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World

Antipater of Sidon, Philo of Byzantium, Strabo, Herodotus, and Diodoros of Sicily are a bunch of dead ancient people who put together lists of amazing "Wonders of the World" that existed. Their lists differed slightly, but beginning in the middle ages, we came to accept these seven below as "the" Seven Ancient Wonders of the World. They were not all equally wonderful, as you will see.

7. Temple of Artemis at Ephesus

This is how it probably looked. Boring.

They must have been really hard up for a seventh wonder to fill out their list of some stupid temple to Artemis made the cut. Antipater of Sidon was especially impressed with it and thought it was better than all of the others. Although it's exact appearance isn't known for sure, recreations of it pretty much look like every other standard Greek building with columns. Why was this so special? Artemis wasn't even a top-tier goddess. She was just some daughter of Zeus and Leto that liked to go hunting. And maybe she wasn't even the version of Artemis that the temple was dedicated to. It's quite likely that the temple was actually dedicated to some archaic many-booked fertility goddess that looked like the chick from Total Recall. And the Temple was actually three temples - the first one was destroyed by a flood, the second one was destroyed by a fire, and the third (and final) one was destroyed in a raid by the Goths. This was before Goths had malls with Hot Topics in them, so they had little else to do other than raid temples.

6. Statue of Zeus at Olympia

Zeus is a lot more important than Artemis... but surely we could have done a lot better than just a statue, huh? I guess it was a pretty big statue. It was designed by the same guy who created the Athena statue at the Parthenon, and was apparently so large that if it could hypothetically stand up it would have broken through the roof of the temple it was in. Big deal. Nobody knows exactly what the statue looked like for sure, but geographer and traveler Pausanias gave a detailed description, stating that it was gaudy as hell and decked out with ebony, ivory, gold, lillies and precious stones. They apparently used to rub olive oil all over it too, because that's just what Greeks did. Eventually people just stopped giving a shit about Zeus though, and the temple of the statue fell into disuse. Nobody is even sure when this ancient wonder was destroyed. Some say it was carted away to Constantinople and burned in a fire there. Others think it was destroyed in a fire at Olympus. Whatever.

5. Hanging Gardens of Babylon

Awesome..ly never existed.

The Hanging Gardens of Babylon sound so totally cool, I wish I could rank them higher. Unfortunately, there is a good chance that this Wonder of the World never actually existed. So I guess that's not really helping it out. The Gardens were hypothetically the second oldest of the Wonders, being created around 600 BC.  They were supposedly a remarkable feat of engineering, with an ascending series of tiered gardens containing all kinds of different trees, shrubs, vines, flowers and whatnot. They were so large they resembled a beautiful green mountain, and according to legend were put in place by King Nebuchadnezzar II as a gift to his Median wife who missed her green homeland. There are lots of descriptions of the gardens by Classic authors - including by Josephus, Diodorus Siculus, Quintus Curtius Rufus, Strabo and Philo of Byzantium. Unfortunately, none of these writers actually claimed to have seen the gardens themselves, and all just cited earlier writings which are all apparently lost. The lack of any documentation or actual Babylonian sources for the Gardens means that a lot of people just think they were made up by the Greeks as some exotic and poetic creation to romanticize the lands out to the east. Even more damning - absolutely no archeological evidence exists to show that any such gardens existed in Babylon. The most likely truth is that the legends of Babylonian Gardens were likely just based on gardens constructed by the Assyrian king Sennacherib for his palace at Nineveh (for which there is ample archeological evidence for), and over time the places got confused.

4. Lighthouse of Alexandria

Yep. It looks like a lighthouse.

The Lighthouse (aka Pharos) was the youngest of the Wonders of the Ancient World. A lot of people who talk about the wonders describe the list of the seven wonders as being created by Herodotus. Well, Herodotus sure as hell wouldn't have been able to include the Lighthouse on his list because construction on it didn't even begin until 145 years after he died.  It actually survived a super long time as well, being the third-longest surviving of the Wonders - not finally being destroyed until 1480 (although three earthquakes between 956 and 1323 damaged it greatly). Still, it's somewhat amazing to think that this Wonder that we associate with ancient Greek civilization still existed (even if in a somewhat ruined state) until twelve years before Christopher Columbus stumbled his ass upon Hispaniola.  It pretty much set the gold standard for what lighthouses should look like - and future lighthouses were modeled on it. It had three tiers and at the top there was supposedly a statue of a little guy that held a mirror that reflected light in the day and that could be lit up via a torch at night to guide ships. Very practical. But all good things come to an end and finally, Sultan Qaitbay of Egypt decided to put the damn thing out of its ruined misery in the late 15th Century. The stones that the Lighthouse were made from still exist though - the Sultan used them to build a fortress in the exact same place where the Wonder once stood. The Citadel of Qaitbay still exists today, so in a way the Lighthouse still kind of does. Sort of.

3. Mausoleum at Halicarnassus

The Mausoleum was the second longest-lasting of the Wonders, existing from 351 BC to 1494 AD.  Satrap (essentially a King) Mausolus probably decided to start building this giant tomb even before he died - which isn't that crazy because it's the kind of things the Egyptians did with their Pyramids too. The world "Mausoleum" itself comes from Mausolus, so obviously he had some lasting impact. After he died, his wife (who was also his sister) missed him so much that she spared no expense at trying to make her brother/husband's tomb the most crazy/elaborate monument ever. She assembled some of the greatest artists living to work on the Mausoleum, including the man who had supervised the building of the other (lame) Wonder, the Temple of Artemis. As with the case of many other of the lost Wonders, the exact look of the Mausoleum isn't precisely known - although descriptions of it state that it was a giant structure in a courtyard, sitting on a stone platform, with 36 columns, stairways, stone lions, stone warriors, stone mounted horsemen, bas-reliefs, a tapered roof, and so on. The Masonic House of the Temple of the Scottish Rite and the Shrine of Remembrance in Melbourne are both designed to resemble the Mausoleum - but look different and thus show different interpretations of the descriptions left behind. There is a mini-version in Istanbul that, again, looks different as well. As with the Lighthouse, the Mausoleum was in ruins at the end of the 15th Century and the stones from the Wonder were used to create a new structure - Bodrum Castle. A number of the ruins from the Mausoleum can be seen in the British Museum now.

2. Colossus of Rhodes

Cool picture, but nope. It didn't look like this at all.

The Colossus of Rhodes, alas, isn't as awesome as you probably think it might have been. Still, I'm going to give it #2 despite that fact. Chances are that if you know anything about the Colossus of Rhodes, it's that it was a giant statue that was around the harbor of Rhodes - and that it's legs were spread open so that ships coming into the harbor sailed under it. It's obviously where the inspiration for the Titan of Bravos from Game of Thrones came from.  Well, unfortunately that legend is complete bullshit and the Colossus wasn't really spread eagle across the harbor. In fact, the giant statue might not have actually at the harbor at all - and could have been inland or on a hill. The whole harbor spread legs thing was an invention in medieval times that ignored the known facts, including that the statue had eventually topped over in an earthquake and laid there (on land) for about another 800 years still as a tourist attraction before finally being broken up and melted. Despite confusion over what the statue actually looked like and where it was (neither as epic as we'd hope for) - it was still an impressive feat of engineering for ancient times. It was honestly probably a lot like the Statue of Liberty - both in terms of its stance (legs probably together), the fact that it was on a pedestal (making it seem taller), and its actual height (108 feet tall - the Statue of Liberty is 151feet tall). And being able to create something a lot like the Statue of Liberty between 292 and 280 BC--almost 2200 years before the Statue of Liberty--is quite frankly amazing. Of course, making earthquake-proof construction was not a technological feat which existed in 280 BC, and the second youngest of the Ancient Wonders of the world was also the shortest lasting of the wonders - standing for a mere 54 years after its completion before it was toppled by an earthquake (because Poseidon the Earth-Shaker was obviously angry it wasn't dedicated to him). As I noted before, according to legend after it toppled it did last about another 800 years and was viewed by people such as Pliny the Elder who talked about it before finally being melted down for its bronze and sold off.

1. Great Pyramid of Giza

When this picture was taken, the pyramid was a young 4470 years old

The Great Pyramid of Giza (also known as the Pyramid of Khufu or the Pyramid of Cheops) is by far and away the winner of the greatest Ancient Wonder of the World, for a number of reasons. First off, it's the oldest. And not by a little bit. The second oldest wonder, the Gardens of Babylon (which might not have actually even existed) were said to have been created around 600 BC. The construction of the Great Pyramid can be fairly accurately dated to 2585 BC - a full 2000 years before the Gardens. The Pyramids were almost as old to the people who built the other six Wonders of the World as the other six wonders of the world are to us today in 2016. The Great Pyramid of Giza is damn ancient. When you think of the Pyramids and Cleopatra as being "from Ancient Egypt" like they're from the same time period - just think about the fact that right now you're living in an age closer to the birth of Cleopatra (in 69 BC - 2085 years ago) than Cleopatra lived in to the creation of the Great Pyramid (2516 years before her birth). People 400 years from now will still live in a closer time period to Cleopatra than Cleopatra did to the construction of the Great Pyramid. The "ancient" writers who created the concept of the Seven Wonders of the World also live in a time closer to us now than they did to the construction of the Great Pyramid. Another reason the Great Pyramid is the indisputable best is because it's the longest lasting of the Ancient Wonders - as verified by the fact that it's the only one that still actually exists! The damn Colossus of Rhodes didn't even last 60 years before falling down. All the others eventually were lost to time as well. The Great Pyramid has been around 4600 years! It was also the world's tallest structure for over 3800 of those years - only being overtaken in 1300 AD by the spire at Lincoln Cathedral (a spire which collapsed 250 years later, obviously not being as well built as the pyramids). And while the facade of the Great Pyramid is gone now (it was originally covered in casing stones that gave it a smooth surface rather than the "step" shape that we associate with it) - it's still holding up pretty well after all these years, all things considered. We can't even make roads these days that don't get potholes in them in three months. If you think anything we build now will last 4600 years then you're crazy. The fucking Atlanta Braves cried and got a new baseball stadium to replace the one they just got after the Olympics 20 years ago.

Ed Ranks Santa Claus's Reindeer, By Name

9. Prancer - Awful name. I don't want a stupid reindeer prancing around. Prancing is just a form of dancing that is lame, and we already have a Dancer. I think I'd shoot any reindeer I saw prancing.

8. Rudolph - This one doesn't even fit the theme of the other reindeer, who are all paired off in twos and have origins in Clement C. Moore's "A Visit from St. Nicholas," which in itself is based on an earlier story with just one reindeer. Rudolph was just a marketing scheme created by the Montgomery Ward department store. He's not even a real reindeer. You know, like how the other ones are totally real flying magic reindeer. Plus Rudolph sounds way too Germanic. After the 1940s, the whole "-dolph" thing ending someone's name sort of fell out of favor.

7. Donner - This is a bad name, and also associated with cannibalism. Of course, that's not the original name or what it actually means. The original name of this reindeer was "dunder," which sounds even stupider. However, dunder is actually the Dutch word for Thunder. They should have just named this reindeer "Thunder" and it would have the coolest name. Alas, Donner is what the poor bastard got stuck with.

6. Cupid - There is already a much more famous Cupid out there. When someone says "Cupid," they think of the Roman/Greek little naked baby who shoots people with arrows. Enjoy living your reindeer life in the shadow of another, more memorable, Cupid.

5. Vixen - So I guess Vixen is a girl. Unfortunate about that whole horrible 80's hair metal band, huh? They take a few points off your reputation just from association.

4.  Dancer - Much better than prancing, but still not amazing. I guess depending on what kind of dancing this reindeer can do - it might be pretty awesome. Is this a breakdancing reindeer? That would kick ass!

3.  Dasher - Dasher can, I assume, run really fast. This is a pretty good trait. Dashing skills are practical if you need to quickly deliver presents to millions of children around the world.

2. Comet - A ball of ice that flies through the sky and leaves an awesome trail. Recorded by humans for thousands of years and tied in with religions, myths and beliefs. Pliny the Elder believed that comets were connected with political unrest and death. That association as a bad omen held on for several millennia. This is a cool name. Comets rule.

1. Blitzen - The best name, and originating from the Dutch word for "Lightning" (as alluded to, Donner and Blitzen used to be the team of thunder and lightning before the names evolved to lamer names). It also sounds like this reindeer is a linebacker setting up in a cover 1 align and planning to run at the quarterback. Although I guess it could also be a German tank, which would be all depressing like the whole Rudolph thing again. I don't get all these Germanic names. Shouldn't they have Inuit names instead or something?

Ed Ranks the Gifts of the Twelve Days of Christmas

12. Ten Lords a-Leaping

Okay, with all of these gifts that are human beings, I'm just going to assume that my true love is just renting out some people to come over and do a performance for me. I will not assume that my true love is a violent and ruthless human trafficker who is actually giving me human beings as presents. That would be pretty messed up.  In the case of ten lords a-leaping, I honestly have zero interest in a bunch of stuffy members of the peerage leaping around my damn house and potentially knocking shit over. Take that shit outside or, better yet, don't come over at all.

11. Eleven Pipers Piping

Oh good. My gift is to be bored to death.

This would be so annoying, although not as bad as those lords a-leaping. What musical setup actually needs eleven pipers in it? I bet the biggest orchestra out there probably only has six people max playing their little lame pipes. And here I'm imagining those little three-holed tabor pipe things. I'm not sure if this is supposed to refer to an entire array of varied wind instruments. Still, even if this does include things like flutes, clarinets, oboes and bassoons - that's still not even enough instrument diversity. Even Peter and the Wolf has some brass, strings and percussion accompaniments.  And sorry stoners, I'm absolutely sure the pipes referred to here aren't bongs.

10. Twelve Drummers Drumming

Like the other human being-related gifts, I don't need some stupid ass Nick Cannon drumline coming to my house and making all sorts of damn noise. This would surely piss off all of my neighbors as well. My true love should be a little more considerate of the intense noise pollution being caused by all these damn pipes and drums and squawking birds (we'll get to those soon enough). And you know what? I bet these drummers wouldn't even be the Nick Cannon / Zoe Saldana drummers. They would probably be those nobody drummers from the VH1 sequel.

9. Four Calling Birds

What the hell is a calling bird and what am I supposed to do with one of them? Is this some sort of noisy song bird? That sounds infuriating. Maybe if these are parrots that can repeat words I say then they might have some value. I could teach them to swear. But honestly I think these are just four annoying birds that will poop all over everything.

8. Seven Swans a-Swimming

Another terrible gift idea.

Swans are frigging huge. What the hell am I going to do with seven damn swans? Is my true love trying to get me to open up some sort of aviary? Honey, I'm just a person. I'm not a zoo. And where are they supposed to swim? I don't exactly have a giant pond in my apartment. Are we just going to clog up the shower drain and flood the bathroom? Impractical!

7. Eight Maids a-Milking

I gotta admit, I'm fairly confused by this one. Let's say I wake up one morning and my true love is like, "I have a surprise for you! Look out the door!" And then I see eight women milking cows. That's my gift? How is that a gift? Is watching the maids milk the cows the gift? Do I get to keep the cows? Do I get to keep the milk? Eight cows worth of milk seems like a whole lot of milk and it will probably spoil before I can use it all. Especially since it's straight out of the cow and not homogenized. Honestly if this was a gift from my true love I would seriously consider breaking up.

6. Two Turtle Doves

Doves are essentially just disgusting pigeons. They're both members of the bird family Columbidae. The European turtle dove is a brown, ugly pigeon. So it's not like this would be a romantic set of two white doves that we could release together in some symbolic walk in the park. If we released these two birds in the park - there would just be two more disgusting pigeons flying around. But I guess with a dove, unlike a swan, I imagine you could at least eat the little annoying bastard, right? Who eats swan? Nobody except characters in A Game of Thrones. But dove is essentially squab or something, right? And while eating tiny little birds wouldn't be my first choice (so much work for so little meat) it's at least better than nothing. And two of them might be enough meat for one meal. Still though, my true love could have thought of something a lot more personal and romantic as a two gift than more birds. STOP GIVING ME BIRDS, HONEY!!!!

5. Six Geese a-Laying
At least since they're a-laying, I know I'll always have a fresh selection of eggs. Eggs for breakfast every morning. And since they're fresh from a goose, you know it will be big and have that nice bright orange yolk unlike the eggs from the store. Six geese seems like too much though. Surely one or two geese would have provided me with enough eggs.

4. A Partridge in a Pear Tree

What a surprise. Another stupid bird.

A partridge is a game-bird, so I know I can eat it. Is that my true love's intention with this thing? To eat it? Or am I supposed to keep it as a pet? Considering how obsessed she is with birds, I assume it's probably to be another pet in our house which is now a damn farm. Quite frankly I'm more interested in the pear tree than the partridge. I can try to plant it in the ground somewhere nearby and get some delicious fresh fruit. I'm so tired of all this bird flesh.

3. Three French Hens

A nice as the sentiment behind my true love's other bird gifts might have been, honestly chicken is the only bird anyone would actually want in this day and age - both for egg purposes and for meat purposes. I'm not saying I actually want to have to take care of three damn chickens because this is the 21st Century and most normal people don't just have animals around the house (we have grocery stores). But this beats all those other stupid gifts. And what exactly makes these hens French? Do they speak French? Because that would be impressive.

This is how I'm interpreting this one.

2. Nine Ladies Dancing

Actually, this is pretty sweet. Thanks honey! Is this for Christmas or is it my birthday? Is a lapdance extra or does that come as part of the overall ladies dancing gift? Now I don't object so much to all this human trafficking that my true love is engaged in.

1. Five Golden Rings

Wow, a practical gift with some actual monetary value rather than just a bunch of people or stupid birds. Of all twelve gifts, this is probably the only one I--and anyone else--actually probably wants. Even if to just sell them to a cash for gold place in order to get some money for a real gift like some hard liquor or video games. It's time to update this damn song already and include a "Nintendo Switch" in there somewhere.

Ed Ranks the Top 10 Alan Rickman Roles

And look at that damn fantastic hair!

Hey, remember when I did that Gary Oldman post? Yeah, it was good times.  You know who else was awesome? Alan Rickman! Rest in Peace, buddy. Let's now deeply consider your contributions to cinematographic history. Sorry fans of Quigley Down Under, his role as Elliott Marston doesn't quite make the cut (just kidding, there is no such thing as a fan of Quigley Down Under).

10. Alexander Dane/Dr Lazarus (Galaxy Quest)

By the sweaty ballsack of Grabthar, I actually can't stand this movie. I have no idea why people think it's entertaining. But if there is anything good about this film, it's Alan Rickman. So I'll go ahead and put this one here. Notionally, the film Truly, Madly, Deeply should be on this list somewhere and I could have put it here. But nobody has actually heard of or seen that film other than pretentious cinephiles, and I didn't want to rank a film I've never seen.

9. Colonel Brandon (Sense and Sensibility)

Remember how Ang Lee, Director of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and Hulk actually broke into Hollywood by adapting a Jane Austen novel with Emma Thompson, Hugh Grant and Kate Winslet (before she started taking her top off in every role). Not really? Well, he did. And Rickman actually had second billing, above Grant and Winslet. Look, I'm not a huge fan of romantic costume dramas involving love triangles... but Alan Rickman was nominated for Best Actor in a Supporting Role in the British Academy Film Awards. And that is just like the American Academy Awards but where they spell "color" with an unnecessary "u" and call it a "lift" rather than "elevator." At the very least, Rickman playing a cheery character rather than a Machiavellian villain or darkish antihero shows that he has some range.

8. Judge Turpin (Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street)

And speaking of having range... you've got to have range to do a musical, right? Well, apparently not because Alan Rickman could have really used some serious auto-tuning for this film. Still, if you ignore his awful singing, the Judge Turpin character is still a quality antagonist role as an a corrupt judicial official who has Johnny Depp banished to the hideous, monster-ridden Australia in order to get some action with his wife. That's so totally an Alan Rickman thing to do.

7. Éamon de Valera (Michael Collins)

While Liam Neeson was the star and absolutely rocked this film about the Irish Civil War,  Rickman's role as Sinn Fein president de Valera was a great one which Roger Ebert described as being played with "shifty conceit." If anyone can pull off "shifty conceit," it's Alan Rickman - and he did. People might not agree with the accuracy of the portrayal of de Valera (which Ebert, again, describes as "a weak, mannered, sniveling prima donna whose grandstanding led to decades of unnecessary bloodshed") but it was a great role regardless of how true it might have been to the man. Essentially, Rickman had to overly douche-up his role to make Collins even more obviously the hero.

6. Marvin the Paranoid Android (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

I like Douglas Adams. He was one of the wittiest writers there ever was. I like Martin Freeman. I like Mos Def. I like Zooey Deschanel (in appropriate doses, she can get annoying fast if you have too much of her as anyone who has ever seen anything she's been in should know). Something about this movie just missed though. Maybe it's because I  have fond childhood memories of the cheesy six-episode BBC 1980s adaption and I negatively compared the things that I thought the BBC version did better. This really should have been better. I think the worst part of this film was probably Sam Rockwell who was hamming up an extremely thinly-veiled George W. Bush impersonation (making the film dated within a few years) with sub-par effects for his two faces. But the best part? By far it was Rickman as Marvin the Paranoid Android, the nihilist, existentialist robot. The design of the robot costume itself was "meh," but Rickman's depressed, miserable lines were spot on.  Oh, and Rickman was only the voice. Warwick Davis was the one actually in the costume.

5. Harry (Love Actually)

As I noted with Sense and Sensibility,  I'm not a huge Rom Com fan. And holiday-based star-studded--ensemble loosely-connected-multi-narrative Rom Coms might just be the worst. We can blame Love Actually for later atrocities like Gary Marshall's Valentine's Day, New Year's Eve and Mother's Day trilogy. If the horrific curse of 2016 killing everyone including Alan Rickman didn't also snatch Garry Marshall - then we'd be seeing more of those awful films for years. But despite all that, Alan Rickman absolutely kills it with his role in this ensemble piece. Is his character largely an unlikable piece of shit who's thinking about cheating on his wife (reunited with his Sense and Sensibility cast mate Emma Thompson) with his flirty secretary and therefore ruins his own marriage, destined to be stuck in it but never happy again? Yes! But Alan Rickman can obviously pull off an unlikable douche who ruins his and his wife's life. Not quite as "muahahaha evil" as Hans Gruber, but it... again... shows some range.

4. Metatron (Dogma)

An image you surely wanted to see right now

Alan Rickman has a great voice. He honestly should have done more voicework than he did. Look, he wasn't up there with Morgan Freeman, but he was pretty close. It's therefore not surprising that Kevin Smith made the wise choice to cast Rickman as Metatron - the Voice of God. And this is a voice of God that is completely appropriate for Rickman.  Morgan Freeman could never pull of a voice for a God that is a dickless, cynical, disgruntled angel who talks about sex face and getting drunk. Oh, and the God that he is the voice for is also Alanis Morrisette. Rickman is perfectly cast in this film... a classically-trained Shakespearean actor contrasting with a bunch of stoners from New Jersey. Dogma is, by far, the best Kevin Smith film and the one with the most meaning. It's packed full of cameos and smaller supporting roles (like Rickman's) that are meaningful and effective rather than just like, "Oh hey look, another cameo," as many of his other (later) films include.

3. Severus Snape (Harry Potter Series)

He kills Dumbledore. Spoiler alert?

2. Sheriff of Nottingham (Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves)

Fuck yeah! Alan Rickman is the Greatest Sheriff of Nottingham of all time and always will be. Kevin Costner is a sub-par Robin Hood who couldn't even do a British accent (as Robin Hood: Men in Tights aptly pointed out to us), but this still probably one of the most memorable versions of the Robin Hood tale. It's still much more part of the cultural zeitgeist than the more recent Russell Crowe version. The film was the second biggest film of 1991 (behind Terminator 2) and that Bryan Adams song was top-notch! But let's not kid around - I was rooting for Alan Rickman all the way in this. They will continue making Robin Hood movies for hundreds of years after we're all dead and nobody will get the Sheriff as maniacal and awesomely wretched as Rickman did.

1. Hans Gruber (Die Hard)

Shit is about to go down.

Was there any other possibility for the best Alan Rickman role than this? AFI's 2003 100 Years...100 Heroes & Villains ranked Gruber as 46th greatest villain of all time, barely cracking the top 50. Anyone with common sense knows this is wrong and time will prove it. This is a list that stupidly had "Man" from Bambi as one of the greatest villains. I'm not saying he's the best of the best, but he's certainly top 5. Hans Gruber is amazing. If you're going to watch an Alan Rickman holiday movie this year, make sure it's Die Hard and not Love Actually. Gruber's motives are complex and layered, with him only feigning a role as a politically-motivated terrorist when he's actually really only out to steal money. It was a great movie twist that has been copied again and again (including by later, shittier, Die Hard films). When he runs into John McClane and pretends to be escaped hostage "Bill Clay," crying and almost pissing his pants in fear - it's amazing acting tour de force. It actually wasn;t in the script for the film, and was only added after Rickman was cast because his ability to do accents. And the fact that the audience knows he's the bad guy while Willis does not makes the scenes so effective and sinister, rather than going for a cliché "surprise" moment. The fact that we know the twist is coming makes the build up to the reveal incredible. And his death scene is obviously one of the most incredible and iconic in film history. The horrified look on Gruber's face as he falls to his death could be credited to Rickman's amazing acting skills - but in actuality when they filmed the stunt they actually dropped Rickman earlier than he was told he'd be dropped in order to get the look.  Like with the Sheriff of Nottingham, Rickman is just so charming and effective of a bad guy that you actually kind of want to root for him. Especially after you find out he's just a capitalist looking to make money. How awesome is that? And plus he kills that lame "Hans bubby, I'm your White Knight" Harry Ellis asshole. If anything, Gruber should be given a full posthumous pardon for any crimes he committed for that service to society.

Ed Ranks the Main Characters of Star Trek: The Next Generation

10. Dr. Katherine Pulaski (Diana Muldaur)

Did you even remember that in Season 2 they didn't renew Gates McFadden's contract and Dr. Crusher was quietly replaced by Dr. Pulaski? This character was universally disliked. I'm talking about a beyond Wesley-level of dislike (hence coming in last). The character was also just a lazy copycat of Bones McCoy from the original series, as Dr. Pulaski hated transporters like McCoy did and got into snippy arguments with Data like McCoy did with Spock. Eventually, they just brought Crusher back and pretended Season 2 never happened. Good.

9. Tasha Yar (Denise Crosby)

Unlike Dr. Pulaski, at least Tasha got an awesome scene where she got to be killed off in a season finale (rather just just forgotten about and never mentioned again). Actress Denise Crosby even got to come back in later seasons after she exited the show... albeit in the form of alternate universe versions, time-loops, and a half-Romulan identical daughter.

8. Wesley Crusher (Wil Wheaton)

Shut up, Wesley! Nobody likes you. Not even in the nanobot episode. Just kidding, the nanobot episode is great. And you're nowhere near as bad as Pulaski. Just because Wil Wheaton would go on to become a nerd legend later in life doesn't make this whiny boy genius character any more palpable. And since Stand by Me isn't an episode of ST:TNG, you don't have that going in your favor either.

7. Dr. Beverly Crusher (Gates McFadden)

Not that Wesley's mom was much better, or that the producers of the show were that mistaken to try to cast a new character to replace Crusher. Bev Crusher wasn't outright terrible - but was just kind of boring. All attempts to provide her with any sort of deeper character usually just wound up with her romancing some wacky alien being. Or occasionally having some sexual tension with Picard. At least after they got rid of Wesley she had opportunities to do more things than just worry about her stupid rainbow-shirted son.

6. Geordi La Forge (LeVar Burton)

So much better than annoying shutter shades

Look, if this rank by was how awesome looking a character is (or if Reading Rainbow was able to influence the rankings) then Geordi would be #1 by far. This dude and his ass-kicking VISOR were cool as all hell. But how much did Geordi really do other than random engineer stuff? Yeah, you jettisoned the warp plasma manifolds AGAIN Geordi, huh? Okay. Sure. As for having romantic love interests or getting to drive the story much himself - that never really happened. He couldn't even get any action on the Holodeck. Which is crazy! You can't realistically tell me that some alien girl shows up on the ship and they're not going to immediately go for that smooth brother with the flashy metal shades.

5. Data (Brent Spiner)

I kinda hate Data, but I honestly can't rank him lower than this since they made him such a damn important character in the show. It seemed like almost every other episode circled around his stupid robotic ass. Yeah, he's weird because he's almost human but not quite. We get it. The uncanny valley and all. And did Dr. Noonien Soong really need to make Data anatomically "fully functional?" What was the exact scientific purpose of that, Doctor? Data really liked "cats," and we can tell what that's supposed to be a metaphor for. He hooked up with Tasha Yar and Jenna D'Sora (and the Borg Queen flirted with him). That's three more love interests than La Forge, an actual human being, ever got. Soong essentially made a glorified sexbot that's  always having Albert Camus-style existential crises about the meaning of his existence and whether or or not it's good to have emotions. That and shitty holodeck episodes where he likes to think he's Sherlock Holmes. At least Geordi got to wear a bowler hat in those episodes though. While getting absolutely no game.

4. Deanna Troi (Marina Sirtis)

Not a standard issue uniform

Look, I didn't rally want to spend all of my time on Deanna Troi talking about breasts, but that's just how this is going to have to wind up. Did they ever bother to actually explain why the half-human, half-Betazoid Enterprise physic emotional counselor of the ship gets to wear a completely different Starfleet uniform than every other character? A different uniform that, coincidentally I'm sure, shows about as much cleavage as was legally allowable on broadcast television during the 1980s? Crusher's outfit didn't look like that. Tasha Yar's outfit didn't look like that. The only episode in which Troi didn't have her giant mammerjammers hanging out was the pilot episode - and even in that episode they decided that she should wear a super short skirt that hung about two inches lower than her cooch (if that). I'm sure that Troi had completely decent plotlines and story arcs and I'm vaguely recalling her on-and-off romance with Riker, the complicated relationship with her mom, and all the times they used her emphatic abilities for stories. But mostly I just remember bouncing and spandex. Lots of bouncing. If they were to find a similar character for the new Star Trek: Discovery show that's debuting in 2017 - the only example I could think of would be casting Kate Upton as the starship's "Chief Trampoline Testing Engineer."

3. William Riker (Johnathan Frakes)

Let's set aside boring Season 1 Riker who was a by-the-books lame-ass with no epic beard and only talk about the Riker with an epic beard who appeared in Season 2 and lasted the duration of the show. Did they try too hard to make Riker a ladies' man in a similar vein to Captain Kirk? Yeah, sure they did. But the show kind of needed someone like Riker to counterbalance a Captain like Picard. Do I really care for the Riker teleporter clone episodes? No. Is it sort of rude that Picard just called him "Number One" all the time - a synonym for urine? Yeah.

2. Worf (Michael Dorn) 

Worf kicked all kinds of ass, and Klingon or Worf-centric episodes were always good episodes. He had all these crazy fighting skills and his own language. As a character who sort of "didn't belong" and was "different than everyone else," Worf was so much better than Data. No wonder they moved him over to Deep Space Nine after TNG ended. And by the way, I just wanted to let you all know that despite the fact that I'm ranking TNG characters - Deep Space Nine is the best Star Trek show. I know that's a controversial statement, but I don't care.

1. Captain Jean-Luc Picard (Patrick Stewart)

The man

This one is a no-brainer. Picard is the best. Picard is better than Kirk. Picard is Patrick Stewart and Patrick Stewart is awesome. I'm not sure if they bothered to explain in the series why the "Frenchman" Picard spoke with a British accent, enjoyed British Earl Grey Tea, had a fondness for British playwright Shakespeare, and knew the lyrics to British Navy songs. But outside of the series the answer is obvious - Patrick Stewart just owned the character and turned it into himself. Picard was intelligent and considerate, and was able to give the show some much-needed catch-phrases. Stewart brought a level of gravitas to Star Trek that never existed with the original series or movies - one that has not been matched and likely never will be.

Ed Ranks US Presidents By Facial Hair

13. through- 44. (Tie) - George Washington, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, James Monroe, Andrew Jackson, William Henry Harrison, John Tyler, James K. Polk, Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce, James Buchanan, Andrew Johnson, William McKinley, Woodrow Wilson, Warren G. Harding, Calvin Coolidge, Herbert Hoover, Franklin Roosevelt, Harry S. Truman, Dwight Eisenhower, John F. Kennedy, Lyndon B. Johnson, Richard Nixon, Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan, George H.W. Bush, Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and Barack Obama are all disqualified for not having facial hair. Although technically Obama has a little under two months to go crazy and grow something if he wants.

12. Zachary Taylor - Zachary Taylor technically had sideburns, but they are barely noticeable. Our twelfth President inarguably has the least interesting facial hair.

Truly awful

11. Martin Van Buren - Martin Van Buren's sideburns are out of fucking control. What is up with these things? He looks like John Quincy Adams if he were shocked by lightning or attacked by wolves.

10. Rutherford B. Hayes - Hayes' beard was too damn long. I can't believe that there was a period of time when it was okay to elect a President of the United States who looked like a filthy hobo trying to catch a ride on the train tracks while carrying a stick with a bag on the end. If you see a man with a Hayes beard on the street today, he will likely smell like urine and be talking to himself. This beard is no good at all.

9. James Garfield - Garfield's beard is a little too long for my tastes, but then again he could probably pass off in today's society as an old lumbersexual. It's nowhere near as bad as Hayes. President Garfield is most famous for frequently attempting to send his Vice President, Aloysius J. Odie, in a box to Abu Dhabi.

8. John Quincy Adams - Our first president to have facial hair, I suppose it was technically classified as "sideburns," but those sideburns were so unruly and long that they could arguably be called "mutton chops" as well. However, they weren't super badass mutton chops like Lemmy had. But then again, Lemmy was never President (trick question - Lemmy is God). All things considered, JQA's facial hair is total weak sauce, but at least being first he popped the cherry for Presidents with facial hair and that's got to count for something.

7. Grover Cleveland - Cleveland had a mustache. Was there anything special about that mustache? Not particularly. But it didn't look hideous. He was the first president to rock the solo 'stache with no attached beard or chops.

6. William Howard Taft - Handlebar mustaches are awful. Taft looked stupid with it. Rollie Fingers looked stupid with it. Hipsters look stupid with it. Stop trying to make handlebar mustaches happen. It's not going to happen.

5. Benjamin Harrison - Harrison had a perfectly acceptable and standard old man white beard. He could have easily portrayed Santa Claus at Christmas events without much effort. 

Arthur... or a background character in Gangs of New York?

4. Chester A. Arthur - If there was ever a President that looked like a bare fist boxer in an illegal back-alley tournament - Chester A. Arthur is that man. With a combination of a mustache that merged into epic mutton chops - Arthur approaches near The Lemmy-Zone that other sideburned Presidents could not.

3. Ulysses S. Grant - This alcoholic who liked butchering Union troops had a pretty normal and timeless beard. If I saw a guy with the exact same beard as Ulysses S. Grant walking through the streets today, I wouldn't question it or think it was out of place. It's a perfectly normal damn beard. If Grant were alive today he could easily be a model on the box for a "Just for Men Touch of Grey" salt and pepper hair color kit.

2. Theodore Roosevelt - Teddy Roosevelt's Mustache was, unlike Cleveland's boring mustache, amazing. I'm pretty sure TR's mustache was self-aware and had its own ability to mow down Spaniards on horseback in Cuba with the Rough Riders (while they shut them down and opened up shop), go hunting for magnificent game, and shout "Bully!" at random times.

1. Abraham Lincoln - The first President to rock a beard also had the best beard. Nobody wants to have a filthy Rutherford B. Hayes hobo beard. The Lincoln beard is where it's all at. Can you still rock it today like a Grant beard? No. You'd look super weird and people will say "Why do you have a Lincoln beard?" But that sort of proves the point - he made that beard famous and will always be associated with it.

Pretty sure I saw this guy in Amish country the other week.

Ed Ranks the Horrific Abominations that Will Kill You in Australia

Australia is a quality country to go to for some good beers and that Opera House is pretty, huh?  But it seems as if when Australia was created, nature also decided to make it the end level of an unbeatable video game.  Every single horrible creature dreamed up by the Greeks when they were thinking up fanciful monsters that could kill man are inferior to the actual hideous abominations to creation that exist in the land down under. Let's talk about these hell beasts from the land of pure animal hatred, shall we?

10. Sting Rays - Yeah, it was all fun and games to make fun of Sting Rays until one of them killed Steve Irwin.  Steve Irwin could handle the deadliest beasts from all over Australia, and helped to raise awareness about the various hate demons of the continent to the rest of the world. But he, like the rest of us, underestimated the Sting Ray as some stupid flat fish with a silly stabby tale and he paid for it with his life.

A dingo in its natural habitat: KILLING THINGS

9. Dingoes - When the people of East and South Asia settled Australia, they brought their domesticated dogs with them. Descended from the Arabian or Indian wolf, these dogs decided to just go wild again and start eating babies. These dogs know instinctively to go right to the throat to kill, presumably because they enjoy bathing their fur in the blood that spits out from your jugular.

8. Octopi - How the hell are octopuses scary? Other than in tentacle porn, I mean. They're a delicious seafood dinner, that's what they are! Well not in Australia. Like with every other animal that's just normal all over the rest of the world, in Australia the octopi were made into vicious killing machines. The blue ringed octopus is one of the most venomous marine animals in existence and are equipped with the deadly tetrodotoxin, a neurotoxin that kills humans.

7. Bees - Wait, bees are killer in Australia too? You bet they are! And if you think it's because they're "Africanized"... that's racist! This invasive and non-native species likes to swarm up and kill people. Presumably because they saw that every other animal in Australia was doing the same thing and they presumed it was just the polite thing to do on this continent.

6. Jellyfish - Sure, jellyfish can sting you and it's unpleasant. Everyone knows that! Well, Australian jellyfish go a bit further than that. The Box Jellyfish has venom designed to paralyze its victims. That means if you're swimming and get stung by one of these things - you have probably a few minutes before your body shuts down and you just drown. But you probably don't need to worry about that, because the sting has the capability to also cause cardiac arrest - so you might have a heart attack and just die long before you're able to slowly lose all your ability to move. That sucks right? Well that's not even the only shitty jellyfish that is seeking to murder the hell out of you in Australian waters. There is also the Irukandji jellyfish, which is sometimes no bigger than the size of a damn match and yet still has the ability to fatally sting you or, at the very least, give you the unpleasant "Irukandji syndrome" that starts out feeling like a little mosquito bite, but then causes severe headache, backache, muscle pains, chest and abdominal pain, nausea and vomiting, sweating, anxiety, hypertension, tachycardia and pulmonary edema. Fun!

5. Russell Crowe - Native to many bars in Australia, the Russell Crowe tends to get drunk, aggressive and violent to the point where it randomly starts fights with people. Avoid this nasty little bugger at all costs.

Hello, I've come here to murder you.

4. Spiders - You might be thinking that the way to avoid a horrible death in Australia is to simply not go into the wild Outback or the deadly waters. Well you'd still be fucked because the Sydney funnel-spider resides in, well, Sydney. Its deadly bite includes an  atracotoxin ion channel inhibitor, which causes extreme pain, sweating, tingling, and muscle spasms. Children are highly susceptible to their bites, with a record of one child dying within 15 minutes of being bitten. Direct exposure to UV light harms and kills them, so they're kind of like vampires. But of course that means they don't like to be outside - and prefer to live inside your damn house.Typically they enjoy living inside your shoes.

3. Sharks - Australia is famous for Great White sharks. With near 350 fatal shark attacks, Australia leads the world in people getting killed by sharks. It beats out other countries like the United States, which have much higher populations. Meaning, per capita, the situation is even worse. There have also been 17 fatal shark attacks just in Sydney Harbor - so it's not like you have to go out to the depths of the ocean to get killed. But the Great White shark isn't even the biggest problem. As with other regions, it's actually the asshole Bullsharks which is the deadliest - as they are aggressive homicide machines capable of swimming into harbors and up rivers and into fresh water.  Tiger Sharks in Australia are also more deadly than the Great Whites.

2. Crocodiles - Ohmyfuckinggod, Saltwater Crocodiles are scary as hell, aren't they? As obvious with their saltwater name - they can survive out in the open ocean. But they also successfully thrive in estuaries and freshwater sources. As in the exact same freshwater sources that humans live by. Pets go missing all the time, so Australia is not a good place to have an outside dog or cat with crocs around.Since 1971, Australia has witnessed 99 attacks on people by saltwater crocodiles, of which 27% were fatal. This apex predator can also get up to 20-23 feet long. That's like two and a half Manute Bols long.

I'm inviting you and 288 of your friends over. To die.

1. Snakes - Prepare for a little Inception here, because you're about to see a list within a list. Here is a list of the 11 most venomous snakes in the world:

11 - Beaked sea snake, native to Tropical Indo-Pacific (including waters of Australia)
10 - Western Australian Tiger Snake, native to Australia
9 - Black Tiger Snake, native to Australia
8 - Black-banded sea krait, native to warm waters of the western Pacific Ocean (including waters of Australia)
7 - Many-banded krait, native to China and Southeast Asia
6 - Coastal taipan, native to Australia
5 - Peron's sea snake, native to Asian-Pacific waters (including Australia)
4 - Yellow bellied sea snake, native to Tropical oceanic waters (including waters of Australia)
3 - Eastern brown snake, native to Australia, PNG and Indonesia
2 - Dubois' seasnake, native to Coral Sea, Arafura Sea, Timor Sea and Indian Ocean (including waters of Australia)
1 - Inland taipan, native to Australia

Notice anything? Like how ten of the eleven most venemous snakes in the world can be found on the land or in the waters of Australia? Heard of King Cobras? A bite from one of those will inject you with about 1000mg of venom. Enough to kill about 11 people or 45,830 mice. But a bite from an Inland taipan, which gives you about ten times less of an injection of only 110mg of venom, has enough potency to kill 289 humans - or roughly 1,085,000 mice. With one bite. One fucking bite can kill over a million mice.

Please pack your bags Australians and run. Run very far away. But be careful where you step because everything around you wants to kill you.