Ed Ranks XFL Team Names

This picture captions itself, so why bother?

Well, it looks like there is going to be another shitty XFL next year. They've already begun announcing what cities will get new XFL teams in 2020, but those cities don't have any names for their teams yet.  So let's take this opportunity to rank the terrible, terrible team names of the failed 2001 league.

8. New York/New Jersey Hitmen - First of all, this is terrible because they picked two different states to name the team after in a desperate attempt to make residents of both states think it is "their" team. Just pick one. And then there is the "Hitmen" part, glorifying organized crime and murder. Geesh. Way to be "edgy" XFL. You're sooooo cooooool.

7. Memphis Maniax - That's right, "Maniacs," but spelled incorrectly with an "X" at the end. Because everything was X-TREME in the late 1990's and early 2000's. Speaking of which...

6. Los Angeles Xtreme - Hey, what's a way we can make our team name sound XTREME?! How about we name them XTREME?! YEAAHHH!!!!!!! *pops a Mountain Dew and gets on a skateboard*

5. Birmingham Thunderbolts - Putting aside the fact that putting a supposedly "professional" sports team in Alabama is a terrible idea, "Thunderbolts" is a super lazy name that involved having a helmet with thunderbolts on it. Yep. And what does Thunderbolts have to do with Alabama? But then again, I guess they couldn't have named their Alabama sports team the "Birmingham Under-Employed, Low-Income, Restrictive Voter ID Law-Having, Immigrant-Hating, Trailer Park Trash with a Vaguely Disguised Neo-Confederate Flag Warriors." Or could they have? Because that would have probably appealed to most XFL fans. SMASHMOUTH FOOTBALL!!!!!!!11one

4. Orlando Rage - The Orlando Rage just need to go to some counselors to figure their life out. Maybe learn meditation? At any rate, I pretty much hate all team names that are concepts rather than plural nouns. Your team name should represent things that actually exist and be plural. Bulls. Chargers. Wizards. Falcons. Canadiens. Braves. Stars. Lakers. Cardinals. Some of these names are good, some are bad, and one is kind of racist. But they are all acceptably plural nouns.

3. San Francisco Demons - I'll accept this, but it's not very specific. I'd like a little more information on what type of demons these guys represent? "Demons" by themselves are not very specific. Are they Barongs? Krampuses? Leviathans? Succubi? Ankou? Krevlornswath of the Deathwok Clan? Inquiring minds need to know. Some demons are definitely of the "will kill you and obliterate your soul" type of wear level and others are more like, "Oh, how moderately annoying."

The Chicago Fisters?

2. Chicago Enforcers - Yeah, I guess this is an okay team name. It's honestly no worse than a lot of professional sports franchise names. It sounds aggressive and offensive (not as in "will offend someone," but as in "we're on the offensive and ready to strike!").  That's a good thing for a football team. I guess. Although the logo? Yikes. Good thing I'm not ranking logos.


1. Las Vegas Outlaws 

Sure. This fits the theme of the city pretty well. A vague hint of criminality (much better than "Hitmen") mixed with a "Yee haw, this is the Ole West! We got tumbleweeds and cattle skull!"