Ed Ranks Lunar Maria by Name

"Luna Maria" are the large, dark regions on the surface of the moon. "Maria" is Latin for "sea," because early astronomers thought they were actually seas or oceans. They are not. They are simply plains that are less reflective than "highland" areas on the moon which appear more white. Despite the inaccuracy of the Latin word, the term "maria" persists. There are 23 of these Luna Maria, some of them with cool names and some of them with stupid names.

I'm going to rank them by their names in English, rather than their names in Latin. Because this is a blog. I don't get any high school credit for using a dead language here. Just recognize that the famous Apollo 11 moon landing site that we know as "The Sea of Tranquility" is officially known as "Mare Tranquillitatis." Meh.

23. Sea of Alexander von Humboldt - Wow, way to name-drop. Nobody cares if you have your own sea moon, Alex.

22. Sea of William Henry Smyth - Same as above. You're still not a famous household name like Galileo, even if you have a part of the moon named after you. When Queen mentions you in a song, then I'll care.

21. Sea of Muscovy - "Muscovy" is an irritating word that annoys me. I know it has something to do with old time Moscow, but it just sounds like "musk" and makes me think of glandular secretions from mammals. No thanks.

20. Eastern Sea - Well this is boring and nobody put any thought into it. And how so we even know which way is east and west on the moon?  Does the moon have magnetic poles too? Honestly, I'm asking. I have no idea. Please, somebody tell me. And is this east from our perspective looking at it from the Earth, or from the perspective of on the moon? Because wouldn't those be opposite? How messed up would it be if we lived on the moon in the future and the Eastern Sea was to the west? They'd have to rename it. Actually, they should. Let's just do this now. They can name it after me, since I made the suggestion. I have no idea who "they" are, by the way. You know, the people in charge of moon names. Those people.

AKA "Mare Australe," which is full of space kangaroos.

19. Southern Sea - As above. Lazy.

18. Sea of Waves - If somebody named a sea on Earth this, they would be fired from their sea-naming job. Really? From the creators of "Water of Wet" and "Beard of Hair" comes "Sea of Waves!"

17.  Sea of Moisture - What? Again with the dumb? These people are just picking the stupidest names and translating them into Latin. When someone says "Mare Humorum" everyone gets impressed like some thought was put into it. Those people are all a bunch of stulti amentes procreantur.

16. Foaming Sea - Really? Did the astronomers actually see foamy waves in their telescopes? Did they? Or were they making that up. Considering that it's a flat plain and not an actual body of water, I bet they made up the foam.

15. Sea of Showers - It doesn't even rain here all the time, which is a big letdown.

14. Sea of Islands - This is a light step in the right direction over the other names, but they're still not going to win any lunar feature naming awards like those champions who named the Lacus Odii (Lake of Hatred).

13. Sea of Cold - When sunlight hits the moon's surface, the temperature can reach 260 degrees Fahrenheit (127 degrees Celsius). When the sun goes down, temperatures can dip to minus 280 F (minus 173 C). So yeah, this is sometimes right. But it's also right for almost everywhere else on the moon too.

12. Sea of Clouds - Fun fact, a sea of clouds is also known as "clouds."

11. Sea of Vapors - This sea was discovered by a dainty, southern belle who fanned herself with her handkerchief and fainted after discovering it.

10. Sea of Nectar - Not a nice place to visit. Probably full of insects. SPACE INSECTS! OOoooOoo!

9. Sea of Cleverness - This sounds like somewhere Odysseus might have sailed when he spent a decade trying to avoid seeing his wife again. Come on, you don't really think it took this guy ten whole years to get home, do you? If he wanted to get home, he could have done it a lot faster than that.

8. Sea of Serenity - How is this name any different from the Sea of Tranquility?

7. Sea of Tranquility - How is this name any different from the Sea of Serenity?

6. Sea of the Edge - Bono is still angry to this day that his lead guitarist gets a part of the moon named after him, while he has to stick to selling stuff with red on it.

5. Sea of Fecundity - Haha, I have no idea what "Fecundity" means, but I am loving this word! Look it up? No. I do not wish to do so. 

This Ocean of Storms looks fairly un-stormy.

4. Ocean of Storms - Ooh, this one is named "Ocean" rather than "Sea," and yet is still classified as a maria. Sweet name too. OCEAN OF STORMS! If I were creating a map for a fantasy world, I would definitely name one of my bodies of water with this, complete with little cute graphics of lightning bolts and sea dragons. No kraken though. Let's not get carried away. The seas dragon is enough to get the point across that this is dangerous sailin'. 

3. Sea of Crisis - What a badass name. But I'd like to know what kind of deep stuff was going on in the life of the person who named this one. I'm sorry that someone hurt you.

2. Serpent Sea - Nice. Good name for a moon object, particularly if it looks sort of snake-ey. Which, I assume, this object does. If it doesn't, then I rescind this ranking and lower it.

1. Sea that has Become Known - How cryptic and awesome is this? On the one hand, it's a super stupid name. They didn't know about it. Then they discovered it. So what did they name it? "Sea that has Become Known." Because now they know about it. Yet if you say it in a foreboding voice, it sounds like some sort of malevolent area of terror and darkness where Moon Beasts live and swallow astronauts whole. Which is exactly what happened to the guys on the Apollo 18 mission. "What's that?", you say. "There was no Apollo 18 mission, Ed." Yeah, that's what NASA wants you to think. They don't want you to know about the Moon Beasts.