Ed Ranks the Coolest Dinosaurs

I (much like every 5 to 16 year old) know that dinosaurs are cool. But what is the coolest dinosaur? Well, better check out this top 10 list and scroll your way down to see. But while you’re scrolling, you might as well look at the other 9 too, right? I mean it won’t be too burdensome for you, will it?

10. Spinosaurus

More like AWESOME-saurus, am I right?

This Cretaceous-period dinosaur obviously means “spine lizard.” Look, I didn’t take Latin in school of anything, but I’m smart enough to figure out what “spino” means when you look at this dude’s spine with this huge “sail” looking fin on the back (neural spines) which are similar-ish to the same feature on the (much smaller) Dimetrodon. The Spinosaurus was a brickhouse though. This dino was a HUUUUUUGE predator, T-Rex sized and perhaps even more fierce. Jurassic Park 3 wanted you to think that, at least.  When I was growing up it was a “fact” that these large spines were so that the dinos could soak up the sun and stay warm. But then again, when I was a kid I thought dinos were cold-blooded killing machines without all of those lame bird feathers. Now science isn’t so sure and has a bunch of different theories. Whatever.

9. Pachycephalosaurus

Fighting... or romance?

This species’ name doesn’t really roll off the tongue, which has limited its ability to get super famous. Still, most people should know exactly what this dino is – the head bumpy one. Yeah, the one with the thick skull dome that it can use for combat with others. Just bonk in in the head like Bonk… the cave man. I guess. There is another head-bumpy dinosaur (though much smaller in size) called the “Dracorex,” and which there has been some healthy debate over whether it’s the same species juvenile or a separate species. Right now people are going with separate species as the general answer, but Dracorex certainly won in the naming department with its menacing freaking name (which is less cool when you realize it’s named after the Harry Potter villain).

8. Brontosaurus

Scientific recreation.

I know, this is where you might be a buzzkill and try to tell me that “Brontosauruses don’t exist.” Well they do, so forget you.  For a number of years, scientists un-made the Bronto that most kids grew up with (as our typical depiction of the huge, lumbering, four-footed, long-neck vegan dinosaur who is always gobbling on the tops of trees). Damn scientists! It’s just like how they unmade Pluto as a planet. That kind of stuff hurts, buddies.  Anyway, they (the cabal of evil scientists who want to destroy fun and Brontos and Pluto) said that our buddy the Bronto wasn’t really its own species, but was instead a repeat species of the already existing Apatosaurus.  Scientists really wanted us to un-learn the Bronto and start calling it Apatosaurus.  Well that jazz just wouldn’t stand, and in 2015 researches who I totally agree with based on my childhood prejudices declared that the Bronto was its own, separate species from the Apatosaurus. Good. Welcome back, Bronto. We missed you. You’re still a long-necked herbivore though, so you’re not going to rank that high.

7. Deinonychus

Yeah, THIS GUY! Or gal. Sorry.

Another species that isn’t super famous, but it’s important. Remember the velociraptors in Jurassic Park? Of course you do, velociraptors are cool. Or are they? You will not see the “velociraptor” (technically the Velociraptor mongoliensis)  on this list anywhere, because the actual velociraptor is a big small and lame. How small? About the size of a turkey. Imagine how disappointing those films would be if a bunch of turkeys were chasing everyone around. I’m sure they could be mean and nip your knees and everything. Still.  I think Michael Chriton just thought the name “velocicaptor” was cool, and used that name. In reality for their depiction in the film, they were inspired by the Deinonychus. But don’t worry, our raptor fun doesn’t end here. To be continued.

6. Allosaurus

Pic from its Tinder profile.

Allosaurus (“different lizard”) is cool, but suffers from the fact that it will always be seen as the lesser –saurus to the similar Tyrannosaurus. Like the T-Rex, the Allosaurus is a huge, bipedal predator with tiny little baby arms that makes it not really into stuff like signing autographs or putting the toilet seat back down when it’s done. If you look at an picture of an Allosaurus, you will probably just think it is a T-Rex because who can actually tell the difference other that super-duper dinosaur experts? And by “super-duper dinosaur experts” I am, once again, referring to 5 to 16 year olds. At least these guys are actually from the Jurassic Period, unlike the T-Rex.


5. Utahraptor

Ugh. Can't dinos NOT have feathers? Please!

Okay, our raptor discussion fun time is back after a brief pit stop to the Allosaurus. Remember how I said the Jurassic Park folks used the Deinonychus as their inspiration for the film’s velocipators? Well, not long after that (or maybe at the same time or a bit earlier, but it just wasn’t really known to the public yet), cool scientists (not the evil Brontosaurus-hating type of scientists) were digging around in Utah and found what became the Utahraptor. What was it? Pretty much a species related to the actual turkey-sized Velociraptor mongoliensis, but much bigger. How much bigger? Well, about the same size as the velociraptors in the movie.  Yeah, so this one is awesome because they were just sort of willed into existence in order for us to have a species that more closely matched what we began to think of “raptors” looking like in pop culture. And by “we willed into existence,” I mean we did nothing because it was just a lucky coincidence and they had already existed in the early Cretaceous period thereabout 126 million years ago (which is also the length of Avengers: Infinity War).


4. Ankylosaurus

He be clubbin.

Yeah, this is the lil’ guy with the armor and the mace on the end of its tail. Honestly, the mace is the coolest medieval weapon. If I had to be an extra in a movie featuring medieval warfare fighting, I would want to be the guy who blugeons people to death with a mace. Not the lame sword guy. There are too many lame sword guys anyway.  I digress. The Ankylosaurus was cool enough so that he didn’t need to wear a suit of armor and hold a pace. Both of those features were built-in.  Evolution got things right here.  Everything else since this guy has simply been mistakes (other than the apes getting smart brains, I guess that was cool too).

3. Stegosaurus

This man is way too calm about these two Stegos about to eat him.

Stegos are awesome, but they seem less awesome when you realize that their name means "Roof Lizard." Whatever. They are the ones with the awesome plates on their backs. You think you know what the plates look like (awesome, sharp pointy triangles pointing up) but in actuality scientists have four different theories for how they were actually arranged, including a lame theory that gives them the "roof" name because they look more like shingles than the awesome "I've got stabbies on my back, so don't try to eat me!" configuration that you and I assume. If you mix a Stego with a T-Rex, you basically get Godzilla. I'n not sure if it could breath fire there. So maybe you have to also mix it with a dragon.  There is a famous and often-told science fact: that Stegosauruses were as old and as long extinct at the time of T-Rexes asT-Rexes are to us today (Stegosaurus roamed the Earth during the late Jurassic period, 156 to 144 million years ago, while the Tyrannosaurus lived during the late Cretaceous period, about 67–65 million years ago... hence T-Rexes have been extinct for 65ish millions years to us, but Stegos had been extinct for nearly 80 million years when the T-Rex was alive. It did live at the same time as the Allosaurus though. So that's cool if you want to PRETEND that the T-Rex fought Stegos.


2. Triceratops

Stab stab stab stab.

Ah, good ol' three-horned face. This species is often, and I bet it loved to stab the hell out of other idiot dinosaurs with its awesome three horns. Basically all you have to do is imagine a modern day rhino but with even more horns. There guys are also from the Late Cretaceous, so they got to hang out with the Tyrannosaurus. If by "hang out" you mean "fight." 


1. T-Rex

Obviously. I don't really need to explain why the Tyrannosaurus is coolest, do I?

Rawr.