Ed Ranks 2018-2019 SW Indian Ocean Cyclones by Name

Well, it’s been a pretty rough 2018–19 South-West Indian Ocean Cyclone Season, what with both hurricanes Idai and Kenneth being deadly, devastating events. Although… Kenneth? That just strikes me as a someone silly name for a hurricane. Not to make light of a terrible situation, but it’s just odd. Who names these things anyway?

Anyway, as with Atlantic Hurricanes and other regional cyclone systems, South-West Indian Ocean cyclone are giving alphabetized names – with the first hurricane of the season beginning with “A” and the 26th (which they hopefully never get around to) with a “Z.” Here are those names, ranked.

26. Kenneth – As stated, this is a weird name for a hurricane. I don’t know why. It just is. I think the more common a name is for people to have, the weirder it is for a major storm that causes catastrophic damage to be named after them.

Tropical Storm CJ Parker doesn't sound right.

25. Pamela – I assume this one is named after Pamela Anderson? I don’t know. She’s associated with beaches and so are hurricanes sort of, right?

24. Walter – Who names their kids “Walter” anymore, let alone their hurricanes? This is such an old man name.

23. Desmond – The only Desmond I know is that guy who played "Q" in James Bond. But he’s Welsh, so don’t even ask me to try to spell his last name. Oh wait. Desmond Tutu as well. Okay, so I know of two Desmonds. Unless the "Dez" in Dez Bryant also stands for Desmond. Does it? I suppose I could Google that, but I won't.

22. Lorna – Lorna is a fine name for a storm… so long as it’s an storm that hits the U.S. deep south. Lorna sounds like the name of a woman belching in front of the confederate flag while rocking in her chair on the front porch in her a MAGA hat. Her middle name is definitely “Annabelle” or something like that.

21. Savana – Is this even spelled right? Even strippers who use this name spell it in less goofy ways than that.

20. Viviane – Named after the character from “The Young Ones,” presumably.

19. Cilida – This is just a weird name. I’m trying to figure out what culture it’s from or what it means, but my only search results are for the typhoon. Oh well.

18. Quentin – Named after the Martell who got burned up by the dragon. It’s book-only folks, don’t worry about it. Hey, this seems like a good time to remind you about my other blog.

17. Oscar – I want to take a moment to remind you that Oscar Isaac did this dance:

16. Haleh – More fun if you pretend it’s pronounced “Hollah!”

15. Idai – The only fun thing about this one was watching white-ass American news people be super confused about how to pronounce it. Other than that, yeah, it was a pretty horrible storm and is no laughing batter and now I'm questioning whether this entire ranking is disrespectful. Maybe?

14. Xangy – Does this rhyme with “tangy?” I want to know.

13. Alcide – This could be a form of homicide that you commit against a person named “Al.” So watch out, Roker and Yankovic. Maybe Snow and Sharpton too.

12. Uyapo – Kind of fun sounding, but also kind of not.

11. Maipelo – AKA “my pillow.”

10. Joaninha – Someone was naming their kid “Joanna” but had stroke in the middle?

9. Themba – Sounds like it could have been a minor character in “The Lion King.”

Gelena Somez

8. Gelena – Named after the Chinese counterfeit pop star, Gelena Somez. Pictured, right.

7. Funani – I really enjoy it when African words look like they’re Japanese words, and vice-versa. It happens a lot more than you’d think. Separated by thousands of miles and diverse cultures – somehow they sort of went in the same direction.

6. Yemurai – The same with this one, except it looks like it’s almost “Samurai,” which would be an awesome name for a devastating storm.  Except it’s all the way at the end of the alphabet at “Y” so it will likely never get used. Which is… fortunate! I’m not wishing storms upon the peoples of the South-West Indian Ocean.

5. Zanele – As with Y above, no way are we ever getting to Z. So Cyclone Zanele will likely never come to be.

4. Bouchra – This is just a fun name, isn’t it? Whatever, I don't need you to tell me.

3. Eketsang – This is the most South African-sounding name I’ve ever heard. Nelson Mandela’s name totally should have been Eketsang Mandela.

2. Rajab – If you randomly make up a Indian Ocean cyclone name on my own without any understanding of how the naming system works, I would have probably come up with something along the lines of “Rajab” myself. 

1. Njazi – Njazi really sounds like the type of cyclone that could mess stuff up. Watch out for Njazi. Is this name African? Is it Slavic? Is it both? Who cares! It’s awesome.