Ed Ranks 10 Random Fantasy Quests

Does this mean anything to you? Because I'm drawing a blank.

I don't really understand how Dungeons & Dragons and similar games work, but hey... not knowing anything about the subject I'm talking about hasn't stopped me from ranking things in the past before.  So I went over to Donjon.bin.sh and headed to its Random Fantasy Quest Generator, to make up 10 random fantasy quests that you might enjoy. Or might not. Whatever.

10. A dwarf named Jorni seeks a company of adventurers to clear his name against charges of treason. However, the quest is a trap.

Eh. This seems pretty boring. I don't want an episode of Perry Mason... I want a D&D adventure!

9. A wealthy ex-adventurer named Evel seeks a company of adventurers to hunt down and capture the cunning rogue Duca. However, her information is completely wrong.

Evel? Bad name. Also it's a little sexist for this woman to be called "Evel." I know this is "random" so the sexism might not be intentional. But then again this randomizer also has a "Random Harlot Generator" so yeah, it's probably sexist. I do like the fact that she's hunting down a cunning rogue. The "cunning" party really sells it. She's probably not going to have a lot of luck with the wrong information though.

Oh these elf ladies and their quests.

8. A shady elven lady named Cena seeks a company of adventurers to hunt down and capture the brutal murderer Kreliva.

I just like that this elf lady is named "Cena" like she's about to do a standing fireman's carry takeover (AKA "FU" or "Attitude Adjustment" on Brock Lesnar or something. What is this elf girl doing? Why, she wants to hunt down and capture a brutal murderer. And the murderer gets a name too! Kreliva! I love Kreliva as a name! Once she captures Kreliva, I assume she's going to hit him or her with a Stepover Toehold Facelock (STF).

7. An elven lady named Nimlye seeks a company of adventurers to hunt down and kill Abunit the Indomitable. However, the party soon finds itself facing a moral quandry.

OooOoooo... another "elven lady." Not a woman or a girl or anything. This is a fancy "lady" like she's a noblewoman. Are all elf females ladies, based on these last two? Anyway, Nimlye (great elf lady name, by the way) wants to to kill Abunit the Indomitable. Eh. That doesn't do much for me. Also, I just wanted to point out that this generator spelled the word "quandary" wrong.

6. A priest named Prosilio seeks a company of adventurers to hunt down and kill Gisama the Bloody.

It's sort of cool that this priest wants to hunt down and kill people. That doesn't sound very priestly. So maybe Prosilio is doing this whole quest on the down low. A guy name Gisama the Bloody does sound like he's someone that needs to be killed though.

You probably don't want to play Cee-lo in the hood with these.

5. An arrogant ex-adventurer named Evel seeks a company of adventurers to protect her from the assassins of the Hag of the Marsh of Pestilence. However, the party soon finds itself facing a moral quandry.

Evel again? SHIT! And this time she's also specifically defined as "arrogant." What a sexist, terrible generator. It supposedly has thousands and thousands of options, and it misogynisticly names a woman "Evel" twice? Anyway. She needs people to protect her from the assassins of the Hag of the Marsh of Pestilence? No. That's way too many "ofs." The X of the X of X. No. Also, I just wanted to point out that this generator spelled the word "quandary" wrong. Again.

4.  A shady ex-adventurer named Phughye seeks a company of adventurers to investigate runes of ice which have appeared in the Moor of the Fallen.

Phughye is an awful name. And how can this person be an ex-adventurer if he's about to go on an adventure? That would make him an adventurer again by default. Runes of ice? It sounds pretty cool, but how exactly would these runestones be made of ice? It seems like an impractical thing to write your ancient Germanic inscriptions on. All it has to do is get above 32 degrees F / 0 C and then they melt away. Moor of the Fallen is an awesome fictional location though. I'm all about the Moor of the Fallen.

Say hi to Qaboos bin Said al Said while you're here.

3. A shady ex-adventurer named Adneyth seeks a company of adventurers to hunt down and kill the Hag of the Muscat Desert. Moreover, the party encounters an old ally now working against them.

Shady ex-adventurer? There sure do seem to be a lot of "ex-adventurers" as the main characters of these adventure quests. Lazy writing. But being shady is cool. Adneyth is a cool name too. They also want to hunt down and kill the Hag (sexist! I'm sure she's a perfectly nice old lady) of the Muscat Desert. Hrm. Muscat? I always picture these stories happening in pseudo-European fantasy lands. The capital of Oman sounds cool though too. Also, an old ally that is now working against you is a great addition to the plot.

2. An angry noblewoman named Dina seeks a company of adventurers to find and explore the ancient ruins of Bolga Stronghold. Moreover, the party must complete the quest without killing anyone.

Why does this woman have to be angry? You know if it was a man they would say "determined" or "confident" or something. Anyway, Dina seeks the some adventurers to help her explore the Bolga Stronghold. I really like how this Stronghold isn't explained at all. What a mystery! Is it a fortress? A tower? A castle? Whatever it is, it's nice. And it's not just a stronghold... it's the RUINS of a Stronghold. That makes it sound ancient and awesome. Not having to kill anyone though? Okay. I guess Dina is sort of like Batman. If she specifically doesn't want to kill anyone... then she doesn't sound that angry.

Everyone loves Tyrion!

1. A charming dwarf named Eyvill Natison seeks a company of adventurers to discover who is murdering his peers, and why.

A charming dwarf? I love it. I'm obviously thinking about Tyrion Lannister. Although his name is terrible. "Eyvill?" Yikes. That's no good at all. Although maybe it is SO BAD IT IS GOOD? A quest to discover who is murdering his peers and why? NICE! Okay, Eyvill, you've recovered and won back my love. But who are your peers, exactly? I want to know more about this charming dwarf's life. Is someone killing other dwarves? Hrm. Now that I was thinking about it, I was initially thinking about "dwarf" like short person, but now I think they're talking about dwarves like Gimli. That's less interesting. Whatever, this is still better than the others. Plus there is a MYSTERY.