Ed Ranks Manned Apollo Missions

Mankind, and by mankind I mean AMERICA 🇺🇸, had a number of manned missions to the moon, and/or test missions of the Command and Service Module (CSM). These are those missions, ranked.

12. Apollo 1 

Well, Gus Grissom, Ed White and Roger B. Chaffee died in a fire on the launch pad on a test run for this mission, so we can go ahead and easily rank this one last and declare it to be “pretty sucky.” Also, it’s not even really an Apollo mission, but was just politely renamed that in respect for the dead. Technically at the time this was supposed to launch it didn’t meet the criteria of an Apollo mission, as defined by Owen Maynard’s initial seven Apollo mission-type guidelines. It was simply AS-204.

11. Apollo 8

Sure, we can say that Apollo 8 had a lot going for it. It included the first circumlunar flight of the CSM and was the first manned flight of the Saturn V rocket. But was it really that much of a step up from Apollo 7? A manned flight in lunar orbit rather than earth orbit? Eh., I guess that’s cool. It got the first ever “earthrise” photos and the crew became TIME Magazine’s men of the year for 1968. But it now sits in a “middle ground” of test missions where it wasn’t the first to do anything too unique, and later missions that came after it did much more ambitious stuff. Also it was pretty short – clocking in at just six days, which is two days shorter than the next shortest successful mission (neither Apollo 1 nor Apollo 13 can be really called “successful,” can they?).

10. Apollo 7

People took these types of photos even before Instagram.

Apollo 7 is important because it was the first mission of the Apollo program to carry a crew into space. While the crew only made orbits of earth rather than orbits of the moon (it launched on the less powerful Saturn IB rocket, not the more famous Saturn V) – this is the crew that began to test all the important aspects of the CSM in space for the first time. Even though Apollo 8 took their tests out deeper into space and probably received a lot more fame, the crew of Apollo 7 outranks Apollo 8 based on pure sass alone. Apollo 7 included the first ever live television broadcast from an American crew in space, which is awesome and captured the fascination of people watching all around the world. However, it also included what’s been described as the first “Space Mutiny,” where all three of the crew (Wally Schirra, Donn Eisele and Walter Cunningham) had just FUCKING HAD IT with Mission Control and engaged in a number of numerous, snippy communications that were the polite, 1968-way of saying “Go blow yourself, copy.” Schirra was already planning to retire anyway, and the other two were (unsurprisingly) never invited to participate in future missions.

9. Apollo 13

Just because this mission got made into a cool Tom Hanks movie doesn’t mean that it should be listed as one of the better Apollo Missions. By this time, we had already been to the moon twice. While it was still pretty special, Apollo 13 wasn’t exactly upping the bar with its plans to just explore a different part of the moon (the Fra Mauro crater). As you’ve likely seen via the movie, there was an oxygen tank explosion which led to limited power, loss of cabin heat, shortages of water, a failing carbon dioxide removal system, etc. In a way Apollo 13 can be seen as a “success” in that it showed a crew being able to survive when everything went wrong… but  that’s a bit of a stretch, no? Another thing this moon mission failure can claim as a success? Their orbit around the moon took them further out than any other astronaut – so these three guys are the human beings who have been further away from earth than any others in history.

8. Apollo 9

Oh, hai space!

The third manned mission of the Apollo space program (to actually get off the ground), the second to go on a Saturn V rocket, the first to test the important lunar module (LM, obviously without a lunar module there would be no lunar landings) and prove that the LM and CSM could successfully separate and dock, and the first American docking of two spacecraft (the Soviets beat the Americans by two months with their Soyuz 4 and 5 dockings). It also contained a spacewalk, and those are always cool. As you’d probably guess, there could be no Apollo 10 (to test this near the moon), without an Apollo 9. And obviously there would be no Apollo 11 without Apollo 10. So it’s important… but this mission was still just one of those intermediary steps on the way to reach the ultimate goal. The Lunar Module was also named “Spider,” which is probably the coolest of any Lunar Module name. Of course, the Command Module (CM) was named “Gumdrop,” which is super lame. Still, this was the first mission to have names for the CM and LM, and the CM does look like a gumdrop while the LM, with its legs, does look like a Ssider. So I can see where the names came from.

7. Apollo 10

How it must have kind of sucked to have been selected for Apollo 10 instead of Apollo 11. These guys came SOOOO CLOSE to being human legends forever. The names Thomas P. Stafford, John Young and Eugene Cernan don’t exactly roll off the tongue, do they? You don’t learn about these guys in school. There are not posters of their faces in libraries, which awe you with the amazing stories of what mankind (and by "mankind" I mean AMERICA) can achieve when they put their brains together. Don’t get me wrong – it still must have been fairly cool to have been selected for Apollo 10. But talk about being the bridesmaid and not the bride. Apollo 10 did almost EVERYTHING that Apollo 11 did. It could be called the “dress rehearsal” for the actual moon landing. Stafford and Cernan got in the LM (named “Snoopy”) and descended to 8.4 miles above the surface of the moon, only to head back up and rejoin the CM (“Charlie Brown”) and head back to earth. These guys totally could have gone rogue and touched down on the moon and been the first if they wanted to. Alas, they followed through on their mission to prove that the next crew could do it.  Also… how do you think Charles Schultz felt about his Peanuts characters being used for the module names? He must have been pretty damn psyched, huh? I bet when he went to any comic convention after and ran into Mort Walker, he was like, “Yeah cock sucker, they didn’t name any lunar modules after Beetle Fucking Baily, did they?!” I’m almost 100% certain this happened.
 
6. Apollo 14

USA! USA! USA!

Apollo 13 wound up being the last of the two successful “H missions” for NASA. These missions were designed for precision landings and two-day stays on the moon with two “Extra Vehicular Activities” (EVAs), e.g. moonwalks. I’ll talk a little bit more about how this was an achievement when I talk about Apollo 12 directly below, as that was the first H mission.  Apollo 13 was supposed to be one of these H missions as well, but never happened what with the oxygen tank explosion thing and all. In fact, the legacy of Apollo 14 was largely just that it tried to reassure the American people that the Apollo Program was still worth pursuing after the Apollo 13 disaster. Did it work? Not really. By the time it launched in January 1971, Apollo Missions 18 through 20 had already been cancelled, so everyone knew that 17 would be the last one. Beyond having a successful mission after the failure of 13 (and going to Fra Mauro, where Apollo 13 had been planning to go) the only notable thing that 14 really accomplished was allowing famed astronaut and the first American in space, Alan Shepard, a chance to walk on the moon himself. At age 47, he was by far the oldest astronaut in the Apollo program. How much was Apollo 14 just a “let’s do a favor for an old man” trip? Well, Shepard was freakin’ golfing on the moon and everything. So was this really treated as an important scientific mission? Eh, they spent 33 ½ hours on the moon and collected 94 lbs of rocks… so I guess that’s something. But the only real “science” thing going on while Shepard was playing golf was Stuart Roosa, who stayed aboard the CM (Kitty Hawk) and did not land on the moon himself. He brought a bunch of tree seeds with him to orbit the moon. The seeds were eventually brought back and planted all around the place to become the “moon trees,” although again… the seeds just orbited the moon. The seeds never went down to the surface on the LM (Antares) with Shepard and those all-important golf clubs. The other guy who went down with Shepard was Edgar Mitchell, who wound up turning batshit crazy. Oh, and also a color film camera rather than the black and white one from Apollo 11. Both Apollo 12 and 13 were intended to capture color footage on the moon, but neither did. 13 never made it, and as for 12, well...

5. Apollo 12

Just like with Apollo 10, the crew of Apollo 12 ALMOST were the first ones walking on the moon. Still, being the second group of people to walk on the moon is somewhat cool too. Only 12 people have walked on the moon, so at least Pete Conrad and Alan Bean are among the elite few. As usual with Apollo missions, the CM pilot, Richard Gordon, stayed aboard the CM (Yankee Clipper) and didn’t go aboard the LM (Intrepid) with the other two.  Apollo 12 is pretty damn important though because it really raised the stakes and skill of what a moon landing was all about. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin might be famous, household names – but compared to Conrad and Bean (just four months later) their first moon landing was amateur hour crap. Unlike Apollo 11, Conrad and Bean achieved a precise landing at the site they were SUPPOSED to be going to – the location of the Surveyor 3 unmanned probe (which had landed on the Moon in April 1967). They also spent a lot more time on the moon, with this being the first of the H missions where they spent two days on the moon and had a number of moonwalks (7 hours and 45 minutes worth of that sweet, sweet moonwalking time – much more than Armstrong and Aldrin spent). They also landed in the very cool-named “Ocean of Storms,” and that has to be worth some ranking credit. Those Armstrong and Aldrin pussies settled for "Sea of Tranquility." Beyond the more precision landing, there wasn’t much too much additional "science" that this mission brought to the table. Sure, the astronauts collected some parts from the Surveyor 3 to bring them back, which is nice of them. But that’s about it. As alluded to above, this mission was SUPPOSED to be the first one to feature color film from the moon as well. In fact, a color camera came with them. But then Bean pointed it at the goddamn sun and destroyed it (d’oh), which meant that the Apollo 14 crew and Shepard would be able to get that sweet, sweet first color footage.

4. Apollo 16

By the time Apollo 16 rolled around in April 1972, the American public was kind of bored with moon landings and they barely even matters anymore. Still, by the end of the Apollo program, the missions were really starting to focus more on science and less on “whoa, I can’t believe we were actually able to do this.” Apollo 16 was the second of the “J missions,” which were even longer and more ambitious than the earlier H missions. These missions included three-day stays on the moon, with three EVAs/moonwalks and one deep space EVA. In the case of Apollo 16, the CM was named Casper (lame) and the LM was named Orion (awesome, and not just because the Metallica song) and it landed in the “Descartes Highlands.”  207 lbs of rocks were collected, and they got to play around on a Lunar Roving Vehicle (AKA Moon Buggy!). But in the end, Apollo 16 didn’t add much to the table, and was just a repeat of Apollo 15 but on a different place on the moon. So let’s talk about that one instead, shall we?

3. Apollo 15

MOON BUGGY TIME!!!!!!!

Almost Everything I said about Apollo 16 applies here as well, except that Apollo 15 did it FIRST. 15 was the first J mission where they spent 3 days on the moon, and thus also the first Apollo mission to feature the Moon Buggy.  The Moon Buggy was awesome!!! Driving around in a space car on the moon? SO SWEET! We all picture the Moon Buggy in our head, but most of us probably imagine Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin riding around in it. But they didn’t. There was no Moon Buggy until the Apollo 15 mission, and thus the first people who got to DRIVE ON THE MOON were Commander David Scott and LM pilot James Irwin, which also means that they were the first astronauts to be able to explore places far away from their landing site only. How far away? The Moon Buggy clocked in 27.8 kilometers of travel as part of Apollo 15. With moonwalks and riding around on the buggy, the two spent about 18 hours outside of the LM (Falcon) during their three days on the moon, Meanwhile, the CM (Endeavour) pilot , Alfred Worden, got to do a spacewalk to retrieve an orbital camera, so that’s cool too even though he didn’t get any moon surface time. Some other cool highlights about Apollo 15? It’s also the mission that collected the “Genesis Rock,” probably the most famous moon rock, which formed in yearly stages of solar system 4 billion years ago. This was the mission that also tested Galileo’s theory that, absent air resistance, objects drop at the same rate (a hammer and feather were dropped at the same time). I mean everyone knew the experiment would work by this time, but it was still fun to actually test it (and video it…in color!).

2. Apollo 17

Thus was born the selfie stick.

The final Apollo mission ever, and the last time that human beings ever landed on (or orbited) the moon. As with the previous few missions, NASA’s moon program had lost the magic it once had. The American people were busy hating the Vietnam War and questioning why so much money was being spent sending more damn people to the moon after we already built the filthy Soviets. Yet the final moon mission was also the most “sciencey” of them all, with NASA finally making a few steps to bring a legit scientist aboard the mission rather than just milling about and doing cool space stuff like driving around on their Moon Buggy (although they did that too, obviously). Commander Eugene Cernan and LM (Challenger) pilot Harrison Schmitt separated from the CM (America, where Ronald Evans remained in orbit) to land in the Taurus–Littrow valley (highland) on the moon. But Schmitt was more than just an LM pilot. He was also a freakin’ geologist! He remains the only Apollo astronaut who was never a test pilot. As with the other J missions, this was a three day trip to the moon, and Schmitt had plenty of time to be the first (and only) geologist on the moon and test a number of pieces of equipment (in the Apollo Lunar Surface Experiments Package) such as testing for volcanic activity. He also collected 243 lbs of samples! Yes… almost 250 lbs of moonjunk came back with Schmitt – a record. Apollo 17 set a number of records beyond that – it was also the longest moon landing, had the longest total EVA time (over 22 hours, including both moonwalks and 35.74 kms of driving around in the Moon Buggy), and the longest time in lunar orbit of all missions. Yep, just as Apollo Missions really started to kick the science up a notch… the whole program was over.

1. Apollo 11

Hell yeah, we're on the mooooooooon!

When thinking about these rankings, I was wondering if there was any Apollo mission which could or should rank higher than this one. This is the famous one, and the one where Armstrong got to plant the flag in the moon and say “LOL, FIRST!” But does it being the first successful mission to land on the moon really mean that it should be ranked #1? After all, there are a number of reasons listed in the rankings above which could rise claim to the other missions being more meaningful and relevant. As I noted, Neil and Buzz basically drunkenly stumbled their LM (Eagle, although you probably knew that one from “the Eagle has landed”) to the moon with no precision, unlike the later precision landings. It was also the shortest of the moon landing missions, with Neil and Buzz spending less than a day (21.5 hours) on the moon, with a mere two and a half hours of EVA. This short time meant that this mission also had the smallest of the sample sizes collected from the moon (47.5 lbs), and the least amount of scientific experiments performed from the Lunar Surface Experiments Package. Worse yet – there was not a single Moon Buggy or golf club in site! Did the third man who remained behind on the CM (Columbia), Michael Collins, do any space EVAs? Nope! So... this all returns us to my initial question... does simply being first mean that you get to be ranked #1 despite your mission being less impressive than most of the missions that were to follow?

The answer is yes. Yes it does. These guys are legends and that's why the US now owns the moon. I mean, probably not according to international law... but come on. That's our flag up there.